what do you get out of going to meetings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
what do you get out of going to meetings
I went to a nar anon meeting basically because my girlfriend convinced me it was worth trying, and she went with me. There are none that are close to where we live, and so it wasnt very convenient. Going to the meeting didnt make me feel all that good, and I couldnt relate to a lot of the people that shared because it seemed like they had been through a lot more than I have so far, and their addict as they call them also seemed to be more advanced than my husband. My husband still works, hasnt been in jail, or stole from family are examples. Also I dont need to be told that Im in denial, or that Im comparing out as I heard that already. I dont think all situations are the same.
I was wondering though, for people that go to the meetings and participate in this program, what do you get out of it ? And do most people also join in and work the steps for treating codependency also? I have issue with this also, because I have done some things that would qualify as codependent while trying to figure all this out with my husband, but overall I dont see patterns in my life, or have had experiences with other relationships that seem codependent. I dont think that Im generally codependent with my husband now, but Im learning about addiction and trying to figure out how to proceed. Im trying to be open to exploring what others are doing to help them cope.
I know some people feel that your automatically codependent if you are with someone who uses drugs, but I dont believe that at this point, or think you need to work steps even if you are. I think if I felt I had an issue I would just go back to someone like the addiction specialist for help with that.
After all the blah blah, Im just asking what people get out of meetings, if you work the steps also (it seemed they expect this) and how has it helped you if you have been doing it a while? And also do you leave a lot behind of the things you hear at the meetings? I know it says take what you want and leave the rest, but to be honest people seem very adamant in their beliefs in the program and not very flexible, and a lot of their beliefs dont seem to match up to what I believe about addiction, or what I learned from the addiction specialist. Maybe they dont accept it all, but they dont admit it while there?
I was wondering though, for people that go to the meetings and participate in this program, what do you get out of it ? And do most people also join in and work the steps for treating codependency also? I have issue with this also, because I have done some things that would qualify as codependent while trying to figure all this out with my husband, but overall I dont see patterns in my life, or have had experiences with other relationships that seem codependent. I dont think that Im generally codependent with my husband now, but Im learning about addiction and trying to figure out how to proceed. Im trying to be open to exploring what others are doing to help them cope.
I know some people feel that your automatically codependent if you are with someone who uses drugs, but I dont believe that at this point, or think you need to work steps even if you are. I think if I felt I had an issue I would just go back to someone like the addiction specialist for help with that.
After all the blah blah, Im just asking what people get out of meetings, if you work the steps also (it seemed they expect this) and how has it helped you if you have been doing it a while? And also do you leave a lot behind of the things you hear at the meetings? I know it says take what you want and leave the rest, but to be honest people seem very adamant in their beliefs in the program and not very flexible, and a lot of their beliefs dont seem to match up to what I believe about addiction, or what I learned from the addiction specialist. Maybe they dont accept it all, but they dont admit it while there?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
The first step is in admitting we are powerless. In doing so we are open to finding help for ourselves. Do you feel powerless? Or, do you believe you can convince your husband to seek help. I have taken something incredibly useful away from every single meeting I've attended...and yes, there are things I leave there. It's always about perspective for me. I can't trust my own thinking sometimes and often others have a way of putting things into words that I completely relate to and understand. I love my group, it's full of strong people who have walked my path before me...they are uplifting and positive. They are survivors. The reality is this... I know I cannot save my son if he doesn't want saving. But I can save myself. And I will ....through supportive programs, education and sharing with others who understand the challenges we face. I believe the recommendation is to attend 6 meetings before you decide if it's for you...and various groups. I've been told the dynamics can vary between them. I'm extremely thankful that my group doesn't spend time blaming the addicts for their misery. It's much more solution driven.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 52
i dont work the steps(they never even bring them up) at all but i go and listen...we do readings out of some books and then share feelings...im one of the only there that was in a relationship...rest are all family...i find that i get at least one thing out of the meetings that helps me to accept where i am and what ive dealt with...i also get to understand where thing could have gone...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I use to be a lot like you I went to a few meetings because of my oldest AS... he got locked up and I quit going same as I quit coming to SR. Then in 2009 I found out my husband was doing pills and didn't want a wife anymore I worked through that best I could
I wish I had continued the meetings because I would have been much better prepared for what occurred with my husband. Since we have gotten back together and are working on our relationship I have found out so many things he did while in active addiction I never would have thought he was "that" guy who would have done any of the things he has told me.
I work the steps for me and me personally think that would be a good thing for me even if no addiction had ever been involved in my life.
Codependency well I am a classic case I fell there are people who are not but have found usually (keyword) there is codependency,
I take what I can use and leave the rest at meetings as well as here at SR.
I wish I had continued the meetings because I would have been much better prepared for what occurred with my husband. Since we have gotten back together and are working on our relationship I have found out so many things he did while in active addiction I never would have thought he was "that" guy who would have done any of the things he has told me.
I work the steps for me and me personally think that would be a good thing for me even if no addiction had ever been involved in my life.
Codependency well I am a classic case I fell there are people who are not but have found usually (keyword) there is codependency,
I take what I can use and leave the rest at meetings as well as here at SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I agree with crazy baby and cynical one...the things I've learned translate to all areas of my life. I'm also much more aware of my own behaviors and can check myself when I am being unrealistic or dramatic in my "normal" relationships.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Claymont Delaware
Posts: 9
In some meetings people come across as less then flexible but that's just it you're dealing with people and we all are subject to making mistakes. I personally don't like the cookie cutter approach at some of these meetings but I don't take it personal, I take from it what I can and let the rest go.theres a saying ' if it don't apply let it fly!' What I get from meetings is that there are people like me there and hearing our common struggles gives us a bond, I guess if I looked at how different we are I may not enjoy them as much but that's not why I'm there. The steps are for me, I would have loved working the steps if I had never touched a drink or drug, they make me look myself squarely, examine my motives, right my wrongs and put others ahead of me. I can understand that the program isn't for everyone but its been great to me!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
I do think that the amount of help you need is directly correlated to the hurt you've had.
For me my precious daughter's addiction has devastated my heart to the point of irrepair, almost. I am grasping as straws - ANY straws - and hearing from others, while looking in their eyes, who can tell me the pain might not go away, but the ability to live through it can be learned is tremendously helpful and gives me hope.
Yesterday was only my 2nd meeting and before last week I'd had four years of living hell to deal with before it's gotten so bad that I was DESPERATE for help. I found myself fearing for my own sanity and couldn't imagine going on in the same direction a moment longer.
I thought meetings were for sissies that the platitudes and programs were beneath me - I was strong enough in my Faith to get through anything. But I realized that for ME they could be a great tool. And I've certainly felt the strength in numbers - the Your-Not-Alone-And-We-Understand is comforting.
You may not ever want to go for an organized recovery program...and that's fine.
For me my precious daughter's addiction has devastated my heart to the point of irrepair, almost. I am grasping as straws - ANY straws - and hearing from others, while looking in their eyes, who can tell me the pain might not go away, but the ability to live through it can be learned is tremendously helpful and gives me hope.
Yesterday was only my 2nd meeting and before last week I'd had four years of living hell to deal with before it's gotten so bad that I was DESPERATE for help. I found myself fearing for my own sanity and couldn't imagine going on in the same direction a moment longer.
I thought meetings were for sissies that the platitudes and programs were beneath me - I was strong enough in my Faith to get through anything. But I realized that for ME they could be a great tool. And I've certainly felt the strength in numbers - the Your-Not-Alone-And-We-Understand is comforting.
You may not ever want to go for an organized recovery program...and that's fine.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
in the NA Basic Text it says...for the THERAPEUTIC value of one addict helping another is without parallel.
in AA How It Works it says....if YOU want what WE have and are willing to go to any length to get it....
in the Alanon Preamble it says:
Al-Anon Preamble
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope, in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness, and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization, or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
and the Naranon preamble states:
PREAMBLE
The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else's addiction. As a twelve step program -- we offer our help by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We carry the message of hope by letting others know that they are not alone; by practicing the Twelve Steps of Nar-Anon; and by changing our own attitudes. We will respect your anonymity. Our program is not a religious one, but a spiritual way of life.
each 12 step group is there to help EACH other....to offer comfort and solace from others who have walked our walk, felt our pain, known our heartaches and found a solution. IMO the steps are equally as healing and life changing as therapy...reduced to their simplest form....trust god, clean house, help others. and this is done thru a combination of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness (HOW).
when you came here to SR, you naively believed your husband was using maybe once a week or so and you didn't know. that wasn't that long ago. your exposure to addiction has been (thankfully for you!) quite limited. as it is you have since learned that your husband uses on a DAILY basis. there is much more you do NOT know...that perhaps you don't want to know or aren't ready to acknowledge.......you say your situation isn't as bad as those in the meetings.....you can look at that two ways....act as if your situation is unique or different, and gut it out another 5-10 years and find yourself lugging a 4 year old along with you OR be grateful to have the experience of others on where addiction can lead...addiction is a journey of YETS....
in AA How It Works it says....if YOU want what WE have and are willing to go to any length to get it....
in the Alanon Preamble it says:
Al-Anon Preamble
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope, in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness, and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization, or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.
Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
and the Naranon preamble states:
PREAMBLE
The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else's addiction. As a twelve step program -- we offer our help by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. We carry the message of hope by letting others know that they are not alone; by practicing the Twelve Steps of Nar-Anon; and by changing our own attitudes. We will respect your anonymity. Our program is not a religious one, but a spiritual way of life.
each 12 step group is there to help EACH other....to offer comfort and solace from others who have walked our walk, felt our pain, known our heartaches and found a solution. IMO the steps are equally as healing and life changing as therapy...reduced to their simplest form....trust god, clean house, help others. and this is done thru a combination of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness (HOW).
when you came here to SR, you naively believed your husband was using maybe once a week or so and you didn't know. that wasn't that long ago. your exposure to addiction has been (thankfully for you!) quite limited. as it is you have since learned that your husband uses on a DAILY basis. there is much more you do NOT know...that perhaps you don't want to know or aren't ready to acknowledge.......you say your situation isn't as bad as those in the meetings.....you can look at that two ways....act as if your situation is unique or different, and gut it out another 5-10 years and find yourself lugging a 4 year old along with you OR be grateful to have the experience of others on where addiction can lead...addiction is a journey of YETS....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
Posts: 58
I got to meetings once a week. There is only one nar anon meeting in my area and the timing is bad so I go to al anon instead. I have found peace there. I see others that have been through the situation I'm in and they seem peaceful and happy and I want to find that myself. I'm working the 12 steps and I find that it really helps. The first couple times I went to al anon I was very uncomfortable and anxious but now I feel amazing when I go. I love the acceptance i find there. Just nice to be around people who underatnd the chaos and confusion. If nothing else it's an hour a week that I take for just myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You get out what you put in … and as was written above it is for you. You aren’t there for anyone else and you shouldn’t be here for anyone else either.
And you are comparing out. My husband worked, always, hasn’t been to jail, so have many other‘s husband‘s and boyfriends haven’t either ... If I used that as a gauge to anything I would still be sitting in denial. There are many very high functioning addicts out there. And he worked, always, with a nasty heroin addiction a bundle or so a day, he woke in wd every morning came bouncing it after all right as rain … was shooting up in it all as well … but hell he worked, never missed a function for any child, never stole from his family, had non using friends …
Oh and don’t get hung up on the method, or doc, all leave you in the same state in time, always in good time … have nothing, see(n) as nothing.
All those nevers … in time you do eventually hit them if you don’t stop using. You also have to remember he is in denial, he will tell himself lies and you will be no different. His lies mean nothing anyway, because the ones that you tell yourself will be the ones that take you down.
It really was hard in the beginning reading the stories, thinking well how bad is it, if he hasn’t???
Even harder was the day I realized I really knew nothing about him … and seriously needed to start paying attention to what I knew about myself, like why I was as I was.
And as everyone before you, you will either listen or use the differences as a distraction that leave you confused because you couldn’t do one simple thing … make it all about you, not him.
And you are comparing out. My husband worked, always, hasn’t been to jail, so have many other‘s husband‘s and boyfriends haven’t either ... If I used that as a gauge to anything I would still be sitting in denial. There are many very high functioning addicts out there. And he worked, always, with a nasty heroin addiction a bundle or so a day, he woke in wd every morning came bouncing it after all right as rain … was shooting up in it all as well … but hell he worked, never missed a function for any child, never stole from his family, had non using friends …
Oh and don’t get hung up on the method, or doc, all leave you in the same state in time, always in good time … have nothing, see(n) as nothing.
All those nevers … in time you do eventually hit them if you don’t stop using. You also have to remember he is in denial, he will tell himself lies and you will be no different. His lies mean nothing anyway, because the ones that you tell yourself will be the ones that take you down.
It really was hard in the beginning reading the stories, thinking well how bad is it, if he hasn’t???
Even harder was the day I realized I really knew nothing about him … and seriously needed to start paying attention to what I knew about myself, like why I was as I was.
And as everyone before you, you will either listen or use the differences as a distraction that leave you confused because you couldn’t do one simple thing … make it all about you, not him.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am not trying to be harsh but.....your husband threatened to get sex elsewhere if you wouldn't have sex with him. Honestly, how many healthy woman would accept that kind of treatment??
You will probably minimize and/or justify it but deep down......it must be a huge red flag.
You will probably minimize and/or justify it but deep down......it must be a huge red flag.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Meetings......just like SR......are like mining for gold. There are some spectacular gold nuggets of wisdom that I hear or read and place in my tool box of coping skills. But like mining for gold......I have to sift through a whole bunch of dirt to find the golden nugget. Those gold nuggets of wisdom wouldn't be worth near as much if they were discovered every moment.
If your expectation is instant gratification, you won't find it in a meeting. Or anywhere in life. As was stated above, I get out of meetings what I put into them. I can acknowledge that meetings aren't everyone's cup of tea. That's fine. Doesn't bother me a lick. Doesn't bother me when someone comes to one meeting and never returns......that belongs to them......not to me.....so there is no reason to take it personally.
I have learned many great things in my meetings such as:
Tolerance
Quietly listening
Empathy
Compassion
If I learned nothing else but those four things.......meetings are worth it for me. But I have also made wonderful friends whom I love dearly. We share a common experience and that is what human connection is all about.......
I hope you find peace in whatever manner works for you.
gentle hugs
ke
If your expectation is instant gratification, you won't find it in a meeting. Or anywhere in life. As was stated above, I get out of meetings what I put into them. I can acknowledge that meetings aren't everyone's cup of tea. That's fine. Doesn't bother me a lick. Doesn't bother me when someone comes to one meeting and never returns......that belongs to them......not to me.....so there is no reason to take it personally.
I have learned many great things in my meetings such as:
Tolerance
Quietly listening
Empathy
Compassion
If I learned nothing else but those four things.......meetings are worth it for me. But I have also made wonderful friends whom I love dearly. We share a common experience and that is what human connection is all about.......
I hope you find peace in whatever manner works for you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Onenightaweek...
I am sorry to do this but I have brought forward a quote from you that was in your first post here on "friends and families of substance abusers" in your quote there are some first rate commonalities that happen with people who are in relationship with those who are dependent on drugs...those who are in relationships with those "dependents" are Co-dependents. We, co-dependents, start to suffer symptoms...and...it takes one to know one. There is ALWAYS going to be someone worst off than you and your loved one. Always...even if he died from it...there will be someone who died in a worst way...
Have a look at your quote...
"I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet."
There are a few things happening here...one, you are starting to take the blame for mistreatment, two, there are excuses why you don't want to leave YET (this is a "yet" just like someone suffering from addiction uses... and you are going deeper into accepting mistreatment.
We become the "frog in the boiling water"...if you throw a frog in boiling water it will freak out and jump out of the pot...but if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly bring it to a boil it will not notice the increase in hazard and will end up getting burned.
If your man had come home high on drugs and used you as an object and mistreated you...before you became a "Co-" with him...before your life became enmeshed with his...would you have stayed?
The denial of the co-dependent often goes much deeper than the addict.
Going to meetings and looking for the SIMILARITIES rather than the DIFFERENCES will help you break thru denial.
If I had not got involved in NA/Al-anon and SR I would have kept going through my desperate maneuvers (trying to manipulate the addict) to get the man I loved to get clean...at one point I though marrying him would help. We are taught in our culture that love heals all...this is simply not true. If that was true none of us would be here...
and if love healed all there would not be battered women shelters and NA meetings in every town.
You are not alone.
I am sorry to do this but I have brought forward a quote from you that was in your first post here on "friends and families of substance abusers" in your quote there are some first rate commonalities that happen with people who are in relationship with those who are dependent on drugs...those who are in relationships with those "dependents" are Co-dependents. We, co-dependents, start to suffer symptoms...and...it takes one to know one. There is ALWAYS going to be someone worst off than you and your loved one. Always...even if he died from it...there will be someone who died in a worst way...
Have a look at your quote...
"I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet."
There are a few things happening here...one, you are starting to take the blame for mistreatment, two, there are excuses why you don't want to leave YET (this is a "yet" just like someone suffering from addiction uses... and you are going deeper into accepting mistreatment.
We become the "frog in the boiling water"...if you throw a frog in boiling water it will freak out and jump out of the pot...but if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly bring it to a boil it will not notice the increase in hazard and will end up getting burned.
If your man had come home high on drugs and used you as an object and mistreated you...before you became a "Co-" with him...before your life became enmeshed with his...would you have stayed?
The denial of the co-dependent often goes much deeper than the addict.
Going to meetings and looking for the SIMILARITIES rather than the DIFFERENCES will help you break thru denial.
If I had not got involved in NA/Al-anon and SR I would have kept going through my desperate maneuvers (trying to manipulate the addict) to get the man I loved to get clean...at one point I though marrying him would help. We are taught in our culture that love heals all...this is simply not true. If that was true none of us would be here...
and if love healed all there would not be battered women shelters and NA meetings in every town.
You are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by lizwig 
The first step is in admitting we are powerless. In doing so we are open to finding help for ourselves. Do you feel powerless? Or, do you believe you can convince your husband to seek help. I have taken something incredibly useful away from every single meeting I've attended...and yes, there are things I leave there. It's always about perspective for me. I can't trust my own thinking sometimes and often others have a way of putting things into words that I completely relate to and understand. I love my group, it's full of strong people who have walked my path before me...they are uplifting and positive. They are survivors. The reality is this... I know I cannot save my son if he doesn't want saving. But I can save myself. And I will ....through supportive programs, education and sharing with others who understand the challenges we face. I believe the recommendation is to attend 6 meetings before you decide if it's for you...and various groups. I've been told the dynamics can vary between them. I'm extremely thankful that my group doesn't spend time blaming the addicts for their misery. It's much more solution driven.
That is a good question, do I feel powerless? I dont feel at all like I can cure my husbands drug addiction. I dont think he will stop because I ask, or because he loves me. I understand what is happening to him when he uses the drugs, and its more psychological and even biological. I was so mad at him, angry that he was doing this, but I understand it better now and I know he is trying to keep it parallel to me (in his own mind). But I do feel like he is receptive to some of what Im saying, and I feel like he is close to at least going to see the addiction specialist that I have met with. Ive tried to tell him some of what Ive learned, and I havent been pushing him anymore to go, but sharing things I think might make him more receptive to give it a try at least.
I honestly think he is scared to admit he needs help of any kind, and he may think a little everyday is ok. Im not sure.
I was hoping to get a feel for what people experience themselves by attending the meetings and your post helps, thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Freddiejay
In some meetings people come across as less then flexible but that's just it you're dealing with people and we all are subject to making mistakes. I personally don't like the cookie cutter approach at some of these meetings but I don't take it personal, I take from it what I can and let the rest go.theres a saying ' if it don't apply let it fly!' What I get from meetings is that there are people like me there and hearing our common struggles gives us a bond, I guess if I looked at how different we are I may not enjoy them as much but that's not why I'm there. The steps are for me, I would have loved working the steps if I had never touched a drink or drug, they make me look myself squarely, examine my motives, right my wrongs and put others ahead of me. I can understand that the program isn't for everyone but its been great to me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
when you came here to SR, you naively believed your husband was using maybe once a week or so and you didn't know. that wasn't that long ago. your exposure to addiction has been (thankfully for you!) quite limited. as it is you have since learned that your husband uses on a DAILY basis. there is much more you do NOT know...that perhaps you don't want to know or aren't ready to acknowledge.......you say your situation isn't as bad as those in the meetings.....you can look at that two ways....act as if your situation is unique or different, and gut it out another 5-10 years and find yourself lugging a 4 year old along with you OR be grateful to have the experience of others on where addiction can lead...addiction is a journey of YETS....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by someoneswife
I got to meetings once a week. There is only one nar anon meeting in my area and the timing is bad so I go to al anon instead. I have found peace there. I see others that have been through the situation I'm in and they seem peaceful and happy and I want to find that myself. I'm working the 12 steps and I find that it really helps. The first couple times I went to al anon I was very uncomfortable and anxious but now I feel amazing when I go. I love the acceptance i find there. Just nice to be around people who underatnd the chaos and confusion. If nothing else it's an hour a week that I take for just myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
I am not trying to be harsh but.....your husband threatened to get sex elsewhere if you wouldn't have sex with him. Honestly, how many healthy woman would accept that kind of treatment??
You will probably minimize and/or justify it but deep down......it must be a huge red flag.
You will probably minimize and/or justify it but deep down......it must be a huge red flag.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by lesliej
Onenightaweek...
I am sorry to do this but I have brought forward a quote from you that was in your first post here on "friends and families of substance abusers" in your quote there are some first rate commonalities that happen with people who are in relationship with those who are dependent on drugs...those who are in relationships with those "dependents" are Co-dependents. We, co-dependents, start to suffer symptoms...and...it takes one to know one. There is ALWAYS going to be someone worst off than you and your loved one. Always...even if he died from it...there will be someone who died in a worst way...
Have a look at your quote...
"I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet."
There are a few things happening here...one, you are starting to take the blame for mistreatment, two, there are excuses why you don't want to leave YET (this is a "yet" just like someone suffering from addiction uses... and you are going deeper into accepting mistreatment.
We become the "frog in the boiling water"...if you throw a frog in boiling water it will freak out and jump out of the pot...but if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly bring it to a boil it will not notice the increase in hazard and will end up getting burned.
If your man had come home high on drugs and used you as an object and mistreated you...before you became a "Co-" with him...before your life became enmeshed with his...would you have stayed?
The denial of the co-dependent often goes much deeper than the addict.
Going to meetings and looking for the SIMILARITIES rather than the DIFFERENCES will help you break thru denial.
If I had not got involved in NA/Al-anon and SR I would have kept going through my desperate maneuvers (trying to manipulate the addict) to get the man I loved to get clean...at one point I though marrying him would help. We are taught in our culture that love heals all...this is simply not true. If that was true none of us would be here...
and if love healed all there would not be battered women shelters and NA meetings in every town.
You are not alone.
I am sorry to do this but I have brought forward a quote from you that was in your first post here on "friends and families of substance abusers" in your quote there are some first rate commonalities that happen with people who are in relationship with those who are dependent on drugs...those who are in relationships with those "dependents" are Co-dependents. We, co-dependents, start to suffer symptoms...and...it takes one to know one. There is ALWAYS going to be someone worst off than you and your loved one. Always...even if he died from it...there will be someone who died in a worst way...
Have a look at your quote...
"I know there is a big issue with me. Why I stay when the things he does make me feel awful about myself, weak, like I deserve to not be respected, and questioning if I am the one who is too uptight instead of admitting he has a problem. I weigh the whole of it because I am fortunate in many ways, and honestly I cannot afford to leave right now, and I don't want to lose many good things and opportunities I have because of him. Some of it is excuses I know I'm not ready to leave yet."
There are a few things happening here...one, you are starting to take the blame for mistreatment, two, there are excuses why you don't want to leave YET (this is a "yet" just like someone suffering from addiction uses... and you are going deeper into accepting mistreatment.
We become the "frog in the boiling water"...if you throw a frog in boiling water it will freak out and jump out of the pot...but if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly bring it to a boil it will not notice the increase in hazard and will end up getting burned.
If your man had come home high on drugs and used you as an object and mistreated you...before you became a "Co-" with him...before your life became enmeshed with his...would you have stayed?
The denial of the co-dependent often goes much deeper than the addict.
Going to meetings and looking for the SIMILARITIES rather than the DIFFERENCES will help you break thru denial.
If I had not got involved in NA/Al-anon and SR I would have kept going through my desperate maneuvers (trying to manipulate the addict) to get the man I loved to get clean...at one point I though marrying him would help. We are taught in our culture that love heals all...this is simply not true. If that was true none of us would be here...
and if love healed all there would not be battered women shelters and NA meetings in every town.
You are not alone.
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