pravchaw

I was wondering if there is an appetite for sub-forum for parents of addicts. The issues we face are very different from romantic relationships (esp. those without kids involved; I agree kids change eveything). You can't really walk away (or even divorce) a child or even an young adult child. Thoughts?

lizwig

I do believe we could benefit from a "parents" forum. You are right, we can distance ourselves but can't walk away from our children completely as there are too many heartstrings attached. That being said....I have learned a lot from the "partners" on this forum. And I will be forever grateful. I wish I had reached out here 5 years ago...the other parents here truly remind me I am not alone. Parents and partners...in my opinion....share a lot of co-dependent traits...and all would like to believe we can "love" our addicts clean. If only....

KariSue

I am a parent. I've been a member here off and on for years. I tend not to come when my AS is doing good (although I just realized he probably never has been doing good but just fooling me) and here when he is doing bad.

I think this idea of having a parent's only forum has been suggested in the past and rejected but I don't remember why.

It is not a bad idea but, for me, I don't mind sharing experiences/advice with those who are not parents. I used to think "Well they can just leave but we can never leave our children because they are our children." (even though most here have adult children addicts). I don't feel that way anymore. We can go no contact. Also my AS's girlfriend may be able to physically leave but doesn't seem to be able to emotionally leave....yet anyway. Being involved with her has made me more sympathetic to those that aren't parents. Plus there are brothers, sisters, etc. with siblings that are addicts. I just kind of feel that we can all learn from each other.

When I read the dilemma of a girlfriend, for example, I can more understand how my son's girlfriend is feeling. Since she is his domestic partner she also has the same legal standing as if she were his wife here in Florida (well on most things). So she gets called sometimes instead of us for official things.

Just my thoughts but if there was a separate folder, I'd go to both so it doesn't matter all that much to me one way or the other.

Kari

lizwig

I would go to both as well. Just as I sometimes go to the substance abuse forum. I get a lot of hope from those who are trying hard to turn their lives around. this site has helped me more than I can say.

LoveMeNow

Although I am the wife of an addict, I have found so much experience, strength and hope from the many parents here who have found their own recovery.

For me, I am here for my own recovery now. Any help and guidance on that is always welcomed and doesn't matter whether its a parent, wife, husband or SO.

Although, I will admit that there are some posters I just choose just not to read but not because of the who the addict in their life is.

Ann

The reason we haven't set up specialized codependency forums, aside from alcohol and substance abuse, is because these forums are about OUR codependency, and dealing with that, not about what the relationship is with our addicted loved one.

Yes, our circumstances vary, but they vary between us moms too, and between spouses, and siblings. Our pain and problem may come from difference circumstances but the solution and recovery is much the same for all of us.

If we made a sub form for parents, then we would need one for spouses, for siblings, for friends, for children...you can see the difficulty.

Most can simply respond to the threads that they relate to, and leave the others to those who have experience in that area to share.

As a mom, I have learned a lot from people in recovery here who have spouses or sibling as their addicted loved ones. Just as I have learned a lot from people in live meetings who come from various backgrounds with various experiences.

Sometimes it is good to embrace our diversity rather than separate ourselves because of our differences.

Hope this helps you understand and doesn't sound too preachy, I hate to sound preachy.

And...please feel free to add your ideas any time, we appreciate your input and sometimes we can make changes that will help.

Hugs

crazybabie

I understand what your saying Ann, also I would wonder how many new people would miss a post that just might have been the one that made them decide to join if we has other various sub- forums.

I know for me when I first joined here I was already so confused and in so much turmoil I am not sure if I would have even looked in various forums.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi as a Mom I am synched with the parental issues but I also have learned nuggets of widsom from wives and husbands and recovering addicts who post here. Zoso and Vale are both adopted member of the "Mama Posse" and their wisdom comes from relationships outside of parenting. I value each and every one who battles addiction issues in their relationships. This forum has saved my mental life literally so many times!

LoveMeNow

Also, I wanted to add....the more support the better, IMO. I have watched many Mothers or parents in such pain, that just needed a "hug", a prayer or just someone who understood the pain of addiction. I have watched so many grow and find serenity. I am honored to have been able to help support them when they needed a little TLC or a nudge to find their way.

EJG123

Hi Pravchaw,
I confess I scan for parents on this forum first so a sub forum would make it easier for me to find them. However, I also read the posts of other friends and family members because their perspectives help too.

Kindeyes

I think Ann said it perfectly (and no.....not preachy, Ann!). Ultimately, this forum is about US.....the loved ones of addicts. It's about our behaviors and our recovery. I have an addicted ex-husband who is the biological father of my recovering addicted son.....so I can relate to spouses as well.

But looking back on both relationships (XAH and son) I had a LOT of inappropriate behaviors that needed to be addressed......in many ways, the behaviors were the same in both cases. No matter where I turned....there I was.

The relationships that I have the most difficulty relating to are girlfriends......so what does my HP do? He drops a sponsee in my lap who is a girlfriend. Lol. I am learning to relate to her pain and anguish. She is as much my teacher as I am hers.

I do watch for posts from parents and I feel the most connection with them but I don't feel the need for a separate forum and I understand how segregating in that manner could result in an over abundance of sub-forums.

gentle hugs
ke

bluebelle

In my case, the addicts/alcoholics in my life come in many forms--stepdaughter, bf, parents, friends, etc., so I find all the info to be helpful. As Ann said, it's about us, and our codependency. I can't fix any of the addicts. That's one of the things I can't change. However, I can heal myself. I can change what I do for myself, and how I relate to the world. Codependency effects me in all areas of my life, including my work relationships. My problems with low-self esteem, and feeling like I should fix other people (while ignoring my own problems) exists everywhere in my life.