CFDMama

Good morning.

ABF will be out of detox tomorrow. His dad will be picking him up. When I spoke to ABF briefly on Wednesdsay, he told me that having the staff at detox set up his aftercare was not looking promising. He still has keys to our apartment and I fear that he is going to try to come home and stay with us until he makes the next step. Please note that I do not fear for my life or anything like that - but I just fear for the turmoil. I know that a week is no where near the amount of time that he needs to get full into recovery mode and since we have given up the apartment and have only until September 1 there, I feel like coming home is just going to stop the healing process, at least for me and my son. I have been equating it to the situation of the high school graduate who wants to take a year off before he goes to college. How often do they really go back? Either way - he's going to have to move out when me and our son move back in with family and I don't really want to do this goodbye thing all over again. I'm afraid that he's going to say how much he misses us and wants to see us - which is fine. I miss him too, but I'm not sure I'm ready to see him - at least not in our home. If it were more on my terms, like me visiting, I think I would be more comfortable.

His father said that he was going to do his best to get him from detox into the next step (Salvation Army or other rehab?) I don't know if he's been put on Suboxone or Methodone or anything. I don't know if they've gotten him signed up for insurance. I really don't know much about what is going on at all, or even what his intentions are at this point.

I'm just trying to make it through today and not worry. I do have a family birthday party tomorrow, but part of me feels like if I go and he comes home he is going to be upset with me for not being there to see him with our son. I really just want this all over and done with and to be on the other side looking back. I know it's a long road ahead, but at least once I'm out of the apartment and move back with family he can't just come back to me and will have to make the decision to do the right thing or let us go.

CFDMama

I just found out that he was in a car accident with my car (that I insured him on and let him drive) on July 9. I found out because the insurance company sent me an email. Apparently he said he was going to pay out of pocket and then disappeared. I couldn't give them any contact information because his phone has been shut off and he doesn't currently have another address. It was less than $400 damage, but that's still money I'm going to have to pay, I imagine. Also, my registration was almost cancelled because that SOB got a ticket for not having an inspection sticker on the car - another $105. I can't even yell at him because he's still at detox and I can't reach him! I'm so angry!!!!

CFDMama

I just called his sponsor/friend and had a vent session. I've thought of calling him in the past, but I think this was off limits, previously, but AFB gave me his number when he was trying to get into the Salvation Army's program the week before last, so I took it upon myself to find out if they've spoken and to figure out how I should talk to AFB about the things that are making me so upset - and also whether or not he is planning to try to come home in between detox and getting into somewhere else. I feel a little better for having talked to him, but I'm still so enraged that I'm seeing red, or maybe a little less red, but a warm pink now. I just really hate not knowing what's happening. His sponsor said that he would still likely be in a "fog" and I should try to restrain from saying things I might not mean in the heat of the moment - as they may only make things worse. But does this mean that I should hold back all of my anger for the time being?

CFDMama

Just an update: ABF called me. I tried to keep back some of my anger, but still told him about the things I found out with the accident and the ticket. I told him that I was upset, but I didn't do it in an angry way. I tried to be loving and supporting and firm all at the same time and I don't know if it backfired or if this is just what was bound to happen. I told him that I wasn't ready for him to come home and that he needed to go to aftercare and he kept telling me to get to the point - so I said straight out, "I don't want you to come home." I tried to explain that I have to move out in a few weeks anyway and that I don't want to go through that pain again. I tried to tell him that I need time to heel and that it will just hurt more and that the problems haven't all be solved with him going away for a week.

He came back at me that he never wanted to move in with me so fast and that he never wanted to switch his phone over to my carrier (which has now been shut off since we were on a family plan with my mom and her husband and she's angry, so she just shut it off). He told me that I'm not being supportive and that I'm turning my back on him and everything is basically all my fault.

I've been reading a lot of everyone's posts about how these conversations go and part of me knows that this is to be expected in some way (I think) but I just didn't expect it to go down like this. For one thing, I'm not sure I knew I was going to say it until it just came out. Secondly, it just hurt so much. Every word he said just stung so much. I tried telling him that I loved him and that if we could go to family meetings, I would be there and be supportive and help him through - but we just can't live together right now and he just kept going and going how it was all my fault. I'm even more exhausted and confused than I was earlier.

Can someone please say something about all this? I'm starting to feel like a loner out here!

BlueChair

Wow you are going through a lot. I think you did the right thing telling him up front that he cant come home, if that is what you want. No point *****-footing around it, he might as well deal with it. I wouldnt worry about what he is saying too much. My husband said a lot of stuff when he was detoxing and in the hospital. He was not feeling good, he was scared, he was afraid to go to rehab. Unfortunately, people often say things they know will cut you when they themselves are hurting. Maybe he can stay with one of his friends until he is able to get into rehab? Im sorry you are hurting. I know my husband words made me cry, we were both just upset and hurting you know. His attitude has changed once he began feeling some better, but with detox its been over three weeks now and he is still not feeling good, depressed. Im sure your boyfriend is the same. Maybe try to focus on something that will make you feel better. One thing that always picks you up? You did what was best right, so dont worry so much about it. Sometimes doing the right thing is painful; but it passes.

Ann

CFDMama, I just got here and my heart goes out to you and my prayers as well.

I know this is hard for you, and hope it unfolds in a way that doesn't stress you any more than you are already stressed.

It's a shame when "we" are considered the solution. We are not. It's up to you how you want to handle things but if it were my son, he would be making immediate plans to move somewhere else, rehab or a hostel. If he refused, I would ask him to leave because if he won't make any effort then we both know where that is headed.

If he has plans to go someplace else, then the worry is all for nothing and you can get some peace.

My point is that YOU get to say what happens, he has no say at all.

Prayers out for all of you, it's a tough time for you all.

Hugs

pravchaw

Cfdmama, very sorry you are going through all this. My personal experience is that you have to let go, and let god take care of him. As long as he is using you are just something to be used, a means to an end.

Addiction is a strange disease. Unless the addict wants to recover, nothing happens. I have tried everything with my addicted son, but he does not want sobriety. He is just happy drugging and drinking. I was just beating my head against a wall. So I let go, and now I can focus on myself and the rest of my family. After 3 years of chaos now that I and my wife made the decision to let him go, I am at peace. Its been a week since I heard from him. I think about him but I no longer miss him. If he shows up at my door again, I will have no problem turning him away.

CFDMama

Thanks everyone. I just wasn't sure if I should be more accommodating since he is trying and says he wants to be clean. Mostly I don't feel like I should, but my heart gets in the way anyway. I am trying to stay positive but after yesterday's beat down it is getting harder.

CFDMama

Update: ABF was discharged from detox yesterday. After our ugly conversation on Friday he must have made a change in his plans. His dad was supposed to pick him up and call me after and let me know where he was going to end up. That didn't happen. I finally spoke with his mom this morning and she said he had called but she missed it but that he is with his friend. This particular friend is the one who runs the sober house he lived in for 5 years when we met so at least I know he has a roof over his head and is somewhere with some caring friends that know his struggle. I don't expect to hear from him very soon since he thinks I turned my back on him but at least I can hear from others that he is safe.