Things That Addicts Say to Keep You in Their Lives
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Things That Addicts Say to Keep You in Their Lives
My husband is trying SO hard to get me to move back in with him. Would anyone like to share their experience with the manipulation of an addict when you have finally called it quits? Things they do, say....
I feel that hearing other people's stories will help me to stay grounded to my plans. Any feedback will be appreciated.
Love and light,
YG
I feel that hearing other people's stories will help me to stay grounded to my plans. Any feedback will be appreciated.
Love and light,
YG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
I am also interested to hear the replies to this. My husband is big on the guilt and blaming. It's one of his favorite tactics. I guess it's because it worked on me in the past. Telling me he's lonely and depressed and needs a hug... Complaining that I haven't been available enough to him after leaving... saying he needs me.
I can proudly say that while it's tugging at me, it hasn't worked. I have remained detached!
I can proudly say that while it's tugging at me, it hasn't worked. I have remained detached!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I will get clean.
I will work a strong, God centered recovery.
I can only get clean with your support.
Your my wife, what about for better or worse?
I love you more then anything.
Our marriage is the most important thing to me.
My life will fall part without you.
I would never leave you if you had a problem.
We are different then other couples.
I believe most of these things were said while using.
I will work a strong, God centered recovery.
I can only get clean with your support.
Your my wife, what about for better or worse?
I love you more then anything.
Our marriage is the most important thing to me.
My life will fall part without you.
I would never leave you if you had a problem.
We are different then other couples.
I believe most of these things were said while using.
Orange Lily
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Oh goodness, where to begin! Even months after moving out, I still get his messages in one form or another. They still dig into me, but no longer as deep. When I see one of his messages, it's all intellectual, or even just slightly melancholy. I don't have an emotional response anymore:
"It's so lonely [in my new apartment]. Now I literally am alone. Hope you're doing well."
"All I ask is for you to at least remember the good times. More of those than bad ones I think."
"I wish you didn't hate me so much."
"Thanks for making me feel like I never even meant a thing to you."
"Why do you hate me so badly? Honestly, you started treating me this way overnight. I'm sorry you have to act this way. I'm not worth your time I guess. Sorry for still being a part of your life, I'm sure you hate it when you see a message from me."
Reading all these messages, it's as if I've been responding to him all this time. I haven't had ANY communication with him... Yet these messages continue. Not as often anymore, but they range from once a day to once every few days. (And before anyone asks, changed my number, blocked him on social media, but he keeps coming back! Need to change everything again!)
Before I would have bent over backwards to accommodate these complaints and TRIED to make them stop-- believing that he meant them and they were things I could work on to make better. I cried myself sick believing his words. Then things "clicked"--- when I realized that I am not, in fact, doing any of the horrid things he was accusing me of... That's when I realized it was all manipulation and dramatic words from an addict wanting to shift the blame.
Take the last thing I posted up there and one of the most recent (1 week): "Why do you hate me so badly?...."-- I don't hate him, I didn't start treating him like that overnight, out of the blue. It was all a culmination of the lies, the stealing, the cheating, the worrying about finding him dead on the bathroom floor, the being broken up for MONTHS. But no mention of that. It is still all him essentially saying: I've done nothing wrong, why are you cutting me out?
It's all sad-- he is still trying his old tactics and he'll keep trying until he gets what he wants. And he won't. I'm not going to feed into it and have him think for a moment that I'll waltz back in and be my old self again. I'm stronger now. I'm happier now. His words ring hollow after everything.
"It's so lonely [in my new apartment]. Now I literally am alone. Hope you're doing well."
"All I ask is for you to at least remember the good times. More of those than bad ones I think."
"I wish you didn't hate me so much."
"Thanks for making me feel like I never even meant a thing to you."
"Why do you hate me so badly? Honestly, you started treating me this way overnight. I'm sorry you have to act this way. I'm not worth your time I guess. Sorry for still being a part of your life, I'm sure you hate it when you see a message from me."
Reading all these messages, it's as if I've been responding to him all this time. I haven't had ANY communication with him... Yet these messages continue. Not as often anymore, but they range from once a day to once every few days. (And before anyone asks, changed my number, blocked him on social media, but he keeps coming back! Need to change everything again!)
Before I would have bent over backwards to accommodate these complaints and TRIED to make them stop-- believing that he meant them and they were things I could work on to make better. I cried myself sick believing his words. Then things "clicked"--- when I realized that I am not, in fact, doing any of the horrid things he was accusing me of... That's when I realized it was all manipulation and dramatic words from an addict wanting to shift the blame.
Take the last thing I posted up there and one of the most recent (1 week): "Why do you hate me so badly?...."-- I don't hate him, I didn't start treating him like that overnight, out of the blue. It was all a culmination of the lies, the stealing, the cheating, the worrying about finding him dead on the bathroom floor, the being broken up for MONTHS. But no mention of that. It is still all him essentially saying: I've done nothing wrong, why are you cutting me out?
It's all sad-- he is still trying his old tactics and he'll keep trying until he gets what he wants. And he won't. I'm not going to feed into it and have him think for a moment that I'll waltz back in and be my old self again. I'm stronger now. I'm happier now. His words ring hollow after everything.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
"I love you". And then she would call me by my nickname, one that I allow very few people to call me.
I can hear it now. The sincerity, the emotion, playing the role well enough to illicit the sort of response she was looking to get. And she got it.
An addict will say or do anything to get what they want. And when they smell blood in the water, they go in for the kill.
It's often difficult to be dispassionate when our emotions are being played by another person. But you have to stay grounded and allow yourself to know what you know to be true. Even if that means you make a decision you don't necessarily want to make.
ZoSo
I can hear it now. The sincerity, the emotion, playing the role well enough to illicit the sort of response she was looking to get. And she got it.
An addict will say or do anything to get what they want. And when they smell blood in the water, they go in for the kill.
It's often difficult to be dispassionate when our emotions are being played by another person. But you have to stay grounded and allow yourself to know what you know to be true. Even if that means you make a decision you don't necessarily want to make.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
You are the love of my life, the heart of my heart. You are the most beautiful person in the world. I am so in love with you. I love you desperately. I miss you terribly. I NEED YOU SO.
Beautiful! Romantic!!! and OOPS. Pitiful and sad, needy and despairing. The PERFECT STORM: my cue to swoop back in and take care of the wounded bird. Works on me every time - especially if he's just behaved abominably before the outpouring of love. Then, not only does he need my tender loving care (nothing else will do), but I can FORGIVE him while I'm at it. Which plays right in to my sickness.
At the moment, we are locked in this sad, dreadful dance; but I am determined to break free for me, so I can get better; and maybe that will help him too, who knows...
Beautiful! Romantic!!! and OOPS. Pitiful and sad, needy and despairing. The PERFECT STORM: my cue to swoop back in and take care of the wounded bird. Works on me every time - especially if he's just behaved abominably before the outpouring of love. Then, not only does he need my tender loving care (nothing else will do), but I can FORGIVE him while I'm at it. Which plays right in to my sickness.
At the moment, we are locked in this sad, dreadful dance; but I am determined to break free for me, so I can get better; and maybe that will help him too, who knows...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm made a mistake. (Really? Only one mistake?)
I'll change. I promise.
I can't live without you. (Well....for five years you said you'd kill yourself if I left you.....you're still alive......you CAN live without me.)
Look what you've done to our family.
It's your fault.
You're crazy.
Those are just a few. There were lots of manipulative things he did to try to get me ack but once I had reached that specific point.....for me.....there was no turning back. It took me a long time to get there.......the pain of being with him was greater than the fear of being without him.
gentle hugs
ke
I'll change. I promise.
I can't live without you. (Well....for five years you said you'd kill yourself if I left you.....you're still alive......you CAN live without me.)
Look what you've done to our family.
It's your fault.
You're crazy.
Those are just a few. There were lots of manipulative things he did to try to get me ack but once I had reached that specific point.....for me.....there was no turning back. It took me a long time to get there.......the pain of being with him was greater than the fear of being without him.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I love you more then anything in this whole world.
You don’t understand how much I love you and that I will do anything for you.
If you leave me, that’s it, I have nothing left to live for.
I swear I will kill myself – then you’ll be sorry.
I can’t make it in this life without you.
I am so sorry, I promise I will stop taking pills.
I need your support with this.
I have hard all of those things over and over again in the 13 years I was with him.
In the end I gave him a choice, me-detox-rehab-recovery or the pills.
He chose the pills, and I have to respect his decision……..except he then turned it all around on me with the anger that I was leaving and the blame. He was raging and I simple got myself a restraining order to have peace in my life while I walked away to pull my life back together.
After I left:
He was involved in not 1 but 2 minor accidents by the grace of God no one was injured. He managed to lose a rental car, doesn’t know where he left it. He received not 1 but 2 DUI’s, a couple reckless driving tickets, court for the restraining order.
Do I have any notions that had I stayed none of that would have happened….absolutely not.
Do I have any guilt that he is where he is today because I left……..absolutely not.
Will I use his “disease” as an excuse to feel sorry for him………absolutely not.
His choices – his consequences, period.
You don’t understand how much I love you and that I will do anything for you.
If you leave me, that’s it, I have nothing left to live for.
I swear I will kill myself – then you’ll be sorry.
I can’t make it in this life without you.
I am so sorry, I promise I will stop taking pills.
I need your support with this.
I have hard all of those things over and over again in the 13 years I was with him.
In the end I gave him a choice, me-detox-rehab-recovery or the pills.
He chose the pills, and I have to respect his decision……..except he then turned it all around on me with the anger that I was leaving and the blame. He was raging and I simple got myself a restraining order to have peace in my life while I walked away to pull my life back together.
After I left:
He was involved in not 1 but 2 minor accidents by the grace of God no one was injured. He managed to lose a rental car, doesn’t know where he left it. He received not 1 but 2 DUI’s, a couple reckless driving tickets, court for the restraining order.
Do I have any notions that had I stayed none of that would have happened….absolutely not.
Do I have any guilt that he is where he is today because I left……..absolutely not.
Will I use his “disease” as an excuse to feel sorry for him………absolutely not.
His choices – his consequences, period.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Why would you throw me to the wolves?
My life is falling apart without you.
It's obvious you don't want to help me.
It's obvious you don't want me to get clean.
I can't keep living like this. I need you.
I will self destruct without you, don't you even care?
Lightseeker posted a great article about going no contact. It's called Starving the Vampire, I think. I will see if I can find it and bump it.
My life is falling apart without you.
It's obvious you don't want to help me.
It's obvious you don't want me to get clean.
I can't keep living like this. I need you.
I will self destruct without you, don't you even care?
Lightseeker posted a great article about going no contact. It's called Starving the Vampire, I think. I will see if I can find it and bump it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
"If you bail me out and let me come home I will sign up for rehab, go to meetings and give up drugs forever *add tears for effect*".
That promise lasted less than one hour after I got him home.
And "You're my mother, mothers don't let their children sleep on the street" *add tears for effect* (anyone seeing a trend here?). This "child" was 32 years old at the time!
That promise lasted less than one hour after I got him home.
And "You're my mother, mothers don't let their children sleep on the street" *add tears for effect* (anyone seeing a trend here?). This "child" was 32 years old at the time!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I'll go to rehab and get clean if you will call off the divorce... Called off the divorce, he went to rehab and did not stay clean.. He maybe went to meetings for two weeks and went right back to using...
Three years later...
If you divorce me I will take the dog and you will never see her again.. Divorced him and i still have custody of the dog..
Some other lines he used...
I love you more then anything, you are my best friend.. ( but yet he never participated in our marriage, I went days without seeing him and we slept in separate bedrooms for the last three years of our 5 year marriage)
moral of the story, they will say anything to keep you reeled in... As long as you are a willing enabler, they will say whatever you want to hear..
Three years later...
If you divorce me I will take the dog and you will never see her again.. Divorced him and i still have custody of the dog..
Some other lines he used...
I love you more then anything, you are my best friend.. ( but yet he never participated in our marriage, I went days without seeing him and we slept in separate bedrooms for the last three years of our 5 year marriage)
moral of the story, they will say anything to keep you reeled in... As long as you are a willing enabler, they will say whatever you want to hear..
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The tip of the day......
If an addict is not working a strong recovery, just attending meetings or white knuckling it is not recovery, he or she is lying and manipulating. It just goes with it. Trying to decipher the truth between lies will drive you crazy.
It took me a long time to accept this. I would read and read and still think...oh not my husband. He really does love me. He is being honest, blah, blah, blah. I still continued to think he, I and we were terminally unique. Yeah ok, I have the only honest addict in the world.
If an addict is not working a strong recovery, just attending meetings or white knuckling it is not recovery, he or she is lying and manipulating. It just goes with it. Trying to decipher the truth between lies will drive you crazy.
It took me a long time to accept this. I would read and read and still think...oh not my husband. He really does love me. He is being honest, blah, blah, blah. I still continued to think he, I and we were terminally unique. Yeah ok, I have the only honest addict in the world.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Jerect, why do they do that? Why do they keep reeling is back in? That is what I don't understand. They ignore us, abuse us, lie and cheat. And completely have a separate life away from us, so why do they have to keep reeling us back in just when we have gathered all the strength we can to have one foot halfway out the door?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
WE need to talk (either a text or short voice mail)
(manipulation to rill you in into a dialogue)...that would get my anxiety (what is he up to now) kicking with all king of crazy scenarios to the point that I would talk to him to stop it.
WE did not need to talk, HE needed to talk to me to manipulate me and I had a choice no to engage. Do not fall for that one.
(manipulation to rill you in into a dialogue)...that would get my anxiety (what is he up to now) kicking with all king of crazy scenarios to the point that I would talk to him to stop it.
WE did not need to talk, HE needed to talk to me to manipulate me and I had a choice no to engage. Do not fall for that one.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Richardswife 
Jerect, why do they do that? Why do they keep reeling is back in? That is what I don't understand. They ignore us, abuse us, lie and cheat. And completely have a separate life away from us, so why do they have to keep reeling us back in just when we have gathered all the strength we can to have one foot halfway out the door?
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
If you loved me you would quit using.
After all I do/did for you this is what I get in return?
If you don’t stop I’m going to leave you.
Why aren’t the kids and I good enough for you?
If you don’t quit I’m going to tell your parents/boss/friends/P.O.
You MAKE me feel ____________.
Why are you doing this to me?
Nobody will ever love you the way I do.
After all I do/did for you this is what I get in return?
If you don’t stop I’m going to leave you.
Why aren’t the kids and I good enough for you?
If you don’t quit I’m going to tell your parents/boss/friends/P.O.
You MAKE me feel ____________.
Why are you doing this to me?
Nobody will ever love you the way I do.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Richardswife
Jerect, why do they do that? Why do they keep reeling is back in? That is what I don't understand. They ignore us, abuse us, lie and cheat. And completely have a separate life away from us, so why do they have to keep reeling us back in just when we have gathered all the strength we can to have one foot halfway out the door?
I had to hit my bottom before I realized that this situation was not going to change, it was not getting better, it was getting worse... It took me almost 5 years to open my eyes and to quit listening to the quacking on both of our sides.. I walked away, it was hard, probably the hardest thing I ever did.. Because I was putting down my drug.. But the difference between my ex and myself was that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, he just found someone else to enable his addiction...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by jerect
Because as enablers and codependents, we needed them in our lives as much as they needed us in ours... It's a sick way of looking at things but its true... I used all the lines Cynical posted above at one time or the other to try to manipulate my ex into getting clean..
I had to hit my bottom before I realized that this situation was not going to change, it was not getting better, it was getting worse... It took me almost 5 years to open my eyes and to quit listening to the quacking on both of our sides.. I walked away, it was hard, probably the hardest thing I ever did.. Because I was putting down my drug.. But the difference between my ex and myself was that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, he just found someone else to enable his addiction...
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Richardswife
Thank you for answering me. I'm sure it is my codependency, but I think it would hurt far more than the abuse to know he is with someone else. I am fairly at the beginning of this. I found out in October that my ah was having to go into rehab. But didn't fully know the extent of how bad until he tested positive on a random a/d test and his job made him go to inpatient rehab the beginning of last month. I spoke to his counselors and it finally hit home how much of an issue this is. I still melt when he says how much he loves me and all of the other lines he uses so I won't leave him while he is in rehab. I guess I probably have more to be in recovery about than he does. Do any couples survive this and learn to be healthy together?
My ex cheated on me numerous times, yes it hurt deeply but what hurt worse were all of the lies about both the women and the drugs.. I could/ would never trust him again.. Even in times of him telling me the truth I always doubted him because he lied to me so much...
You have to work on you and let your husband work on himself... You guys will either get healthy together or you will be strong enough to stay enough one day, living like this is not working anymore... It took a lot of heartache and tears for me to get to that point in my marriage... You can read my past posts if you would like and see how much I struggled and lived in denial...
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