LoveMeNow

I would highly recommend going back and reading either Kindeyes or Ann's (2 mothers of addicted sons) threads about what and how meetings changed their lives. They were once as crazy as me and have truly been an inspiration to me. I want what they have.

pravchaw

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Lotusangel

Eve13 I feel that a lot of time our addicts tell us we want to hear because they don't want us to give up on them. So if he says he wants to go to school and get his bachelor's, it might be true but maybe just not right now. The only way you can really know if he is fully committed is by allowing him to take that responsibility. Trust me, I have three adult children; even the two that are not dealing with an addiction on their own journey with one being highly motivated with the other just cruising at slower pace. With my AS, I have learned to try to step back and not get so angry because I don't want him to feel even more stressed than I do, because you know what that leads to. I have to have self control to teach him to have self control. I also think that we get too emotional, it is easier for them to tune us out and they detach quicker than we do. I told all of my children that if we ever have discussions and I am trying to give them advice, that if I get out of control with too much information or keep going to long that it is overwhelming for them to let me know and not be afraid of hurting my feelings. I want them to listen, really listen and understand. As a result, from time to time, they all do tell me, "Mom, stop. It's too much." Then I stop and it doesn't escalate.

I know I have a lot work to do as far as understanding the whole addiction thing. But one thing I do know, it is better to focus on the recovery first and let the brain heal before he can actually focus on school. Good luck.

Ann

That's a good start.

Sweetie, you didn't do anything wrong, not one single thing.

See the red flags here? Sadly, this is no surprise to me and other mamas who have been where you are.

First comes the desperation and tearful plea, then the promises that brings hope to any mama's heart...and then once they get comfy and feel safely dug in to our home environment...they get lazy and disrespectful and sadly, they often use and then blame us. We are NOT to blame, not once not ever.

You gave him a very fair chance and the opportunity to turn his life around and fulfill his dreams. He blew it big time.

Now you have to decide if and how you will enforce your boundaries. The only thing harder than making the decision to let them move home is making the decision to make them leave for dishonouring the home and turning it into a war zone.

And if you can get Grandma to butt out and let the chips fall where they may, that's great, but you are as powerless over her choices as you are over your son's addiction. So you may need to let her face the consequences of her actions too...paying money or cosigning a loan she may never see repaid.

My heart and prayers go out for all of you. Nothing is harder than making our children face the consequences for their bad choices...it hurts to the core but it's still the right thing to do.

I pray your meetings help you as much as they helped me and so many here. Give it time, go to a few meetings until it feels right, try Al-anon or CoDA if this one doesn't work out...but don't give up on yourself or your support, you need all you can get right now.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

Eve13

Thank you for helping me see a little clearer. I think I omitted information by typing too quickly yesterday.
Monday AS was suppose to go to Financial Aid to discuss, that was the day he slept until 5pm
Tuesday he DID go and talk with them and they informed him he needs to do the FASFA (we are working on that but know he won't qualify for anything) and he DID go to Chase Bank to talk about a personal loan. His blaming conversation with me was in between the two financial meetings at school and bank.

I know I am powerless over my mom, I just want her to understand the consequences of her actions and this may not be the best decision for AS and the chips will fall where they may.

Today we will see where son's head is at. And make decisions.

Eve13

Allforcnm posted the difference between enabling and positive reinforcement. It is making me think twice. If AS without prompting signed up for classes, and is on his own trying to figure out financial support, maybe it's not enabling behavior (as he is clean right now) for her to cosign the loan. (?)

Ann

I'd be careful about that, Eve, that would be giving him the easy way out and could leave your mom out of pocket.

I see enabling as "doing for them what they should and can do for themselves".

And rewarding them for doing what they should do anyway to take care of themselves? Kinda makes my teeth hurt (not meaning to knock what anyone else posted here).

Encourage him? Sure. Cheer him on? Sure. Pay his way? Nahhh, not unless he pays some or most of it first. Let him lead the way with this and see which way it goes.

Don't rob him of the lesson of looking after himself. That's enabling, from where I sit...and I don't mean to judge, I was the world's worse enabler at one time.

I am glad this seems to be going better for him and for you. I hope he continues to work hard to fulfill his dreams.

Hugs

Eve13

Thanks Ann - I do get stuck in the grey zones of "support" and "enabling". I had been thinking my mom's financial support was enabling, but when I read allforcnm post, got all waffley (is that a word?).

Ann

Oh yes, I know all about waffley!

It's the dance of the codie mama's I think, the "waffle".

pravchaw

I made every CODiE mistake in the book before I woke up.
I told my son last year that I will pay his tuition only if he passes. He failed. He now knows that he failed because he uses. He was stuck with unpaid university bills which he spent most of his summer paying. He now knows that there is no more free lunch. He also knows that As he is still using, there is no point on him going back to college.

LoveMeNow

Alanon and naranon (all the 12 step programs) have a great saying, it is "take what you want and leave the rest." I find this very helpful when it comes to particular people as well.

I respect that there are several different theories and/or methods of recovery, however I am always leery of anyone or any program that finds the need to continuously put another's down, no matter how subtle or deliberate.

My husband always got infuriated if any of his employes were overheard bad mouthing our competition. His philosophy was build your own reputation based on your performance and merits, not by tearing someone else down. So it's just something I have learned to embrace over the years especially when I needed to hire some one. If they found the need to put another company down, I avoided them. So again, please take what you want and leave the rest, including my post.