Trying to reach out? Confused - 1st post
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1
Trying to reach out? Confused - 1st post
Hi everyone,
I am so happy to have found this forum, I have been looking for a place like this for years but to no avail.
I'll keep the history as brief as I can.
Im no stranger to addiction/alcoholism as it runs in my family - after years of enabling my mother, and subsequently, therapy and meetings I made the decision to let go because it was becoming a danger to myself and more importantly my children. With this history in mind when my father and sister found themselves homeless we took my father in and left my addict sister to fend for herself.
Years have gone by since then and now my father is living with her co-dependently, making himself go broke once again in order to enable her to continue with her addiction.
Throughout this time I have not spoken to my sister except on holidays because I was threw being lied to and stolen from.
Here is where I am confused. We went to visit for her birthday earlier this month, and while we had a private moment she said to me out of the blue that she 'needs to get off these pills'.
She has never before admitted to the problem and certainly not expressed wanting help.
I feel like I should reach out to her and tell her if she wants to sober up I will be there to support her through that, including going with her to meetings, visiting in rehab, and being there to listen any time she needs to talk or needs a distraction...but nothing further.
All advice I've ever received was that I need to worry about myself and not get involved anymore. But, I feel like just maybe she has reached a point that she does want help and is afraid to do it alone. Her BF is an addict as well and will not likely support the idea of her getting clean (she was before meeting him).
Is it a bad idea to try to help her, or ok as long as I keep my boundaries firm...and how should i go about it if Im going to try? it is hard to get her alone.
I am so happy to have found this forum, I have been looking for a place like this for years but to no avail.
I'll keep the history as brief as I can.
Im no stranger to addiction/alcoholism as it runs in my family - after years of enabling my mother, and subsequently, therapy and meetings I made the decision to let go because it was becoming a danger to myself and more importantly my children. With this history in mind when my father and sister found themselves homeless we took my father in and left my addict sister to fend for herself.
Years have gone by since then and now my father is living with her co-dependently, making himself go broke once again in order to enable her to continue with her addiction.
Throughout this time I have not spoken to my sister except on holidays because I was threw being lied to and stolen from.
Here is where I am confused. We went to visit for her birthday earlier this month, and while we had a private moment she said to me out of the blue that she 'needs to get off these pills'.
She has never before admitted to the problem and certainly not expressed wanting help.
I feel like I should reach out to her and tell her if she wants to sober up I will be there to support her through that, including going with her to meetings, visiting in rehab, and being there to listen any time she needs to talk or needs a distraction...but nothing further.
All advice I've ever received was that I need to worry about myself and not get involved anymore. But, I feel like just maybe she has reached a point that she does want help and is afraid to do it alone. Her BF is an addict as well and will not likely support the idea of her getting clean (she was before meeting him).
Is it a bad idea to try to help her, or ok as long as I keep my boundaries firm...and how should i go about it if Im going to try? it is hard to get her alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi impossible,
I just wanted to welcome you. You will get excellent advice here at SR.
Being an addict in recovery, I can tell you that before I was ready to commit to my sobriety, I had many moments of clarity where I told my loved ones I needed to stop popping the pills. Usually during times of painful WD , when I didn't have the money to purchase them. Unfortunately, as soon as my rx came through all good intentions flew out of the window.
In my opinion, when dealing with an addict in active addiction., "actions speak louder than words". If your sister is truly ready for recovery she will be "chasing" her recovery with the same momentum that she "chased" her DOC. - begging you to take her to meetings or rehab or probably would have signed up already. Has she done that? If not, I doubt she is truly ready.
That's just something to think about until someone who has been where you are comes along.
I just wanted to welcome you. You will get excellent advice here at SR.
Being an addict in recovery, I can tell you that before I was ready to commit to my sobriety, I had many moments of clarity where I told my loved ones I needed to stop popping the pills. Usually during times of painful WD , when I didn't have the money to purchase them. Unfortunately, as soon as my rx came through all good intentions flew out of the window.
In my opinion, when dealing with an addict in active addiction., "actions speak louder than words". If your sister is truly ready for recovery she will be "chasing" her recovery with the same momentum that she "chased" her DOC. - begging you to take her to meetings or rehab or probably would have signed up already. Has she done that? If not, I doubt she is truly ready.
That's just something to think about until someone who has been where you are comes along.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
"But, I feel like just maybe she has reached a point that she does want help and is afraid to do it alone. Her BF is an addict as well and will not likely support the idea of her getting clean (she was before meeting him). "
Hmmm. Red Flags. You can proceed with caution since it's hard to get her alone. Write a note, letting her know how you can be there for her if/when she is ready. So, if today isn't the day, she will know in the future you can be there to support her decisions.
I know with my AS, he will say whatever he thinks I want to hear. No, I'm not smoking any more. No, I'm not drinking anymore, yes, I'm working. It's just white noise in the background. Actions speak louder than words.
Hmmm. Red Flags. You can proceed with caution since it's hard to get her alone. Write a note, letting her know how you can be there for her if/when she is ready. So, if today isn't the day, she will know in the future you can be there to support her decisions.
I know with my AS, he will say whatever he thinks I want to hear. No, I'm not smoking any more. No, I'm not drinking anymore, yes, I'm working. It's just white noise in the background. Actions speak louder than words.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!! I've been on both sides of the addiction fence - the addict and the loved one.
I agree that "actions speak louder than words" is a good thing to hold on to. When I TRULY wanted recovery, I knew it was up to me (actions) and it took a while before family trusted me, much less was very supportive.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I agree that "actions speak louder than words" is a good thing to hold on to. When I TRULY wanted recovery, I knew it was up to me (actions) and it took a while before family trusted me, much less was very supportive.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
What cleaninLI has said is very true "actions speak louder than words". However sometimes someone may need a hand to get started. Can you keep your boundaries intact and still be encouraging? I am saying this because asking for help is out of character for her. Looks like she is in the contemplation stage of recovery. She may need help in getting in the preparation stage.
Of course don't give her any money or give her an opportunity to manipulate. Make it clear to her that you will be there for moral support only and only if she is trying.
Of course don't give her any money or give her an opportunity to manipulate. Make it clear to her that you will be there for moral support only and only if she is trying.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I wasn’t aware anyone used the 35 year old TTM behavioral assessment theory anymore since it has been largely discredited by the follow-up studies of Etter & Perneger 1999; Bunton et al. 2000; Whitelaw et al. 2000; Sutton 2001; Etter & Sutton 2002; and Littell & Girvin 2002. It was first developed in 1977 for use in stress management, weight management, depression prevention, smoking cessation, adherence to Antihypertensive medication, and adherence to Lipid-lowering drugs. The follow-up replication studies found that “TTM leads to the model making predictions that are "incorrect or worse than competing theories”. Additionally, it was found that “the model tends to promote the wrong intervention strategy”. (West 2005).
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I think that it is always acceptable to talk to someone about options for treatment, as well as offering our own support and encouragement at whatever level we are comfortable with. I feel often people are not thinking clearly about their drug use, and sometimes they cant truly see how deep the problem runs until they are actually off the drugs, and their mind has a chance to clear; perhaps after detox, or being in a rehab setting. As you stated, set proper boundaries for your own self care, and then do as you wish.
I agree with Pravchaw on the stages of change. I reference a similar chart often; their use is alive and well in the recovery community. Analyzing stages is often helpful for family to gage where a person is in the process, based on what their loved one is saying, and on what you actually see.
Understanding the Stages of Change
Stage #1
Pre- Contemplation
Unaware of problems associated with behavior. Certain that the positives of the behavior out- weigh the negative. Not interested in change. Unwilling to change. No intention to change. Unaware Resistant
The first stage of change, when the person isn’t aware that change is needed; sometimes called “denial”. Don't pressure the person to seek help at this stage. A caring, positive approach where you try to help them see the consequences of what they are doing is a good start. Take a self inventory to see if there is anything you or other family members may be doing that could be enabling the person to continue their behavior. When people around them are making positive changes, it can be incredibly motivating. If the person doesn’t respond to this approach or the problem worsens, an intervention guided by a professional may be recommended. Remember to take care of yourself!
Stage#2
Contemplation
Becomes aware of problems associated with behavior. Ambivalent regarding positives and negatives. Explores the potential to change. Desires to change behavior but lacks confidence and commitment. Intends to change before 6 months. Awareness Openness
The second stage of change, when the person recognizes there is a problem and considers whether to deal with it. The person could be experiencing the consequences of their abuse or dependence at this stage, such as health concerns, work related problems, problems at home, or a DWI, prompting them to realize they can’t keep going this way. To move forward, the person needs to feel as though the balance has shifted toward recovery, and you can begin to more forcefully reinforce the cons of continued drinking or drug taking, as well as the pros of sobriety. Real life examples of each are good to pass along at this stage. And remember, the more positive and empathetic you are, the better chances you have of making a difference.
Decision
This is an event, not a stage. Concludes that the negatives of the behavior out-weigh the positives and chooses to change behavior. Commitment
Stage #3
Preparation
Accepts responsibility to change behavior. Evaluates and selects techniques for behavior. Develops a plan. Builds confidence and commitment. Intends to change within one month. Anticipation Willingness
The third stage of change, when the person has decided to change and is getting ready to do so. Hope and support is critical at this stage. This is a very sensitive stage, so confrontation and impatience have no place here. Information about treatment options and providers can be gently suggested at this point. Early stage counseling can be very effective at this point, such as an informational session aimed at meeting a counselor and learning about what treatment would be like, without the pressure of commitment.
Stage #4
Action
Engages in self-directed behavior change effort. Gains new insights and develops new skills. Consciously chooses new behavior. Learns to overcome the tendencies for unwanted behavior. Active in action stage for less than six months. Enthusiasm Momentum
The fourth stage of change, when the person has started to actually deal with the problem. Almost all treatment can be effective for people who are ready to change. They are doing something now to become alcohol or drug free, such as receiving regular professional treatment or going to AA. They need your support and patience now more than ever, because they are giving up what was until now the most important thing in their life. They will also likely be experiencing withdrawal symptoms and the emotional effects of quitting an addiction. Also know this is just the beginning of a long road to recovery, and there will be bumps along the way.
Stage #5
Maintenance
Masters the ability to sustain new behavior with minimum effort. Establishes desired new behavior patterns and self-control. Remains alert to high- risk situations. Focus is on lapse prevention. Has changed behavior for six months.
Perseverance Consolidation
The stage when a person has dealt with the initial challenges of changing and now continues to work to avoid relapse. The person will probably have ended or drastically cut back on formal treatment at this stage, and may be attending support groups such as AA. Don’t stop supporting them, they need to know you are still proud of what they achieved and the impact it has had on your life, and that you know its hard work for them everyday. Keep telling them what a great thing it is they’ve done!
Lapse or Relapse
This is an event, not a stage. May occur at any time. Personal distress or social pressures are allowed to interrupt the behavior change process. Temporary loss of progress which resumes at an earlier stage. Experience is educational to help prevent further recurrence. Danger Opportunity
It happens a lot. It’s important to understand it as part of the recovery process. Talk to them about it, find out how they feel and why they think they relapsed. Let them know you are still proud of them, that you know staying sober is a learning process and mistakes are bound to happen. Don’t try to push them back into treatment right away. Be patient, they’ve experienced sobriety and will hopefully want to return to it quickly. If they are defensive or defiant about continuing to use, maybe thinking they can now handle it better, keep reminding them about all the hard work they did to get sober and the positive effects it had on their life. If it doesn’t appear they are going to stop and get help, remember what you learned in the earlier stages about empathy and understanding, and don’t hesitate to call their clinician for advice.
Stage #6
Termination
Adopts new self-image consistent with desired behavior and lifestyle. Does not react to temptation in any situation. Expresses confidence and enjoys self-control. Appreciates healthier and happier life.
Most successful self-changers go through the stages three or four times before they make it through the cycle of change without at least one slip. Most will return to the contemplation stage of change. Slips give us the opportunity to learn.
I agree with Pravchaw on the stages of change. I reference a similar chart often; their use is alive and well in the recovery community. Analyzing stages is often helpful for family to gage where a person is in the process, based on what their loved one is saying, and on what you actually see.
Understanding the Stages of Change
Stage #1
Pre- Contemplation
Unaware of problems associated with behavior. Certain that the positives of the behavior out- weigh the negative. Not interested in change. Unwilling to change. No intention to change. Unaware Resistant
The first stage of change, when the person isn’t aware that change is needed; sometimes called “denial”. Don't pressure the person to seek help at this stage. A caring, positive approach where you try to help them see the consequences of what they are doing is a good start. Take a self inventory to see if there is anything you or other family members may be doing that could be enabling the person to continue their behavior. When people around them are making positive changes, it can be incredibly motivating. If the person doesn’t respond to this approach or the problem worsens, an intervention guided by a professional may be recommended. Remember to take care of yourself!
Stage#2
Contemplation
Becomes aware of problems associated with behavior. Ambivalent regarding positives and negatives. Explores the potential to change. Desires to change behavior but lacks confidence and commitment. Intends to change before 6 months. Awareness Openness
The second stage of change, when the person recognizes there is a problem and considers whether to deal with it. The person could be experiencing the consequences of their abuse or dependence at this stage, such as health concerns, work related problems, problems at home, or a DWI, prompting them to realize they can’t keep going this way. To move forward, the person needs to feel as though the balance has shifted toward recovery, and you can begin to more forcefully reinforce the cons of continued drinking or drug taking, as well as the pros of sobriety. Real life examples of each are good to pass along at this stage. And remember, the more positive and empathetic you are, the better chances you have of making a difference.
Decision
This is an event, not a stage. Concludes that the negatives of the behavior out-weigh the positives and chooses to change behavior. Commitment
Stage #3
Preparation
Accepts responsibility to change behavior. Evaluates and selects techniques for behavior. Develops a plan. Builds confidence and commitment. Intends to change within one month. Anticipation Willingness
The third stage of change, when the person has decided to change and is getting ready to do so. Hope and support is critical at this stage. This is a very sensitive stage, so confrontation and impatience have no place here. Information about treatment options and providers can be gently suggested at this point. Early stage counseling can be very effective at this point, such as an informational session aimed at meeting a counselor and learning about what treatment would be like, without the pressure of commitment.
Stage #4
Action
Engages in self-directed behavior change effort. Gains new insights and develops new skills. Consciously chooses new behavior. Learns to overcome the tendencies for unwanted behavior. Active in action stage for less than six months. Enthusiasm Momentum
The fourth stage of change, when the person has started to actually deal with the problem. Almost all treatment can be effective for people who are ready to change. They are doing something now to become alcohol or drug free, such as receiving regular professional treatment or going to AA. They need your support and patience now more than ever, because they are giving up what was until now the most important thing in their life. They will also likely be experiencing withdrawal symptoms and the emotional effects of quitting an addiction. Also know this is just the beginning of a long road to recovery, and there will be bumps along the way.
Stage #5
Maintenance
Masters the ability to sustain new behavior with minimum effort. Establishes desired new behavior patterns and self-control. Remains alert to high- risk situations. Focus is on lapse prevention. Has changed behavior for six months.
Perseverance Consolidation
The stage when a person has dealt with the initial challenges of changing and now continues to work to avoid relapse. The person will probably have ended or drastically cut back on formal treatment at this stage, and may be attending support groups such as AA. Don’t stop supporting them, they need to know you are still proud of what they achieved and the impact it has had on your life, and that you know its hard work for them everyday. Keep telling them what a great thing it is they’ve done!
Lapse or Relapse
This is an event, not a stage. May occur at any time. Personal distress or social pressures are allowed to interrupt the behavior change process. Temporary loss of progress which resumes at an earlier stage. Experience is educational to help prevent further recurrence. Danger Opportunity
It happens a lot. It’s important to understand it as part of the recovery process. Talk to them about it, find out how they feel and why they think they relapsed. Let them know you are still proud of them, that you know staying sober is a learning process and mistakes are bound to happen. Don’t try to push them back into treatment right away. Be patient, they’ve experienced sobriety and will hopefully want to return to it quickly. If they are defensive or defiant about continuing to use, maybe thinking they can now handle it better, keep reminding them about all the hard work they did to get sober and the positive effects it had on their life. If it doesn’t appear they are going to stop and get help, remember what you learned in the earlier stages about empathy and understanding, and don’t hesitate to call their clinician for advice.
Stage #6
Termination
Adopts new self-image consistent with desired behavior and lifestyle. Does not react to temptation in any situation. Expresses confidence and enjoys self-control. Appreciates healthier and happier life.
Most successful self-changers go through the stages three or four times before they make it through the cycle of change without at least one slip. Most will return to the contemplation stage of change. Slips give us the opportunity to learn.
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