LadyM87

So I posted here a few weeks ago after I ended a relationship with an addict. Of course because of our codependency... I couldn't stay away for long. I refused to get back together with him but I definitley continued speaking with him and I have seen him twice.

I called him on Sunday and his parents informed me he was in jail. Drug related. I've asked all my close friends and even my mom for their opinions. I have been speaking with his mom (whom I have never met) and she is so nice and supportive. She wants me to come to his bail hearing this Friday.

She informed me that when the district called them and he pleaded for them to post bail they said no. His original bail hearing was on Monday when he found out if they did not post bail he would be in for at least six months.

The plan as of right now is that his parents' councilor (they seek counciling for his drug problem) is going to be a part of his surety and his bail is conditional on rehab and working (He finally has his job back after a 8 months of 'sick' leave to get sober.) This absolute last chance at any form of a life as far as I am concerned. People recovery daily don't they? Can't this be his time? His mom asked me to come on Friday to which I said I had to work and she told me to call her after work (half day Fridays) and meet her at the courthouse. I said would I go. The advise I've obtained from my loved ones is that if I want to be with him I should go. I don't want to be with him but I don't want to be without him either. I feel like not going speaks volumes I'm not ready to speak. If I go, all it suggests is I am being supportive and believe in him. The second I get him alone I'm going to tell him "If you're not doing this for real don't waste anymore of my time please and thankyou."

I'm seeking stories of recovery. I need a boost today. How did this happen? How is it that I'm meeting my "boyfriend" (ya we aren't together but that label fits the best I suppose)'s parents for the first time at his bail hearing? Talk about red flags. Is it so bad to believe people can change? Is it so awful to see past his addiction?

Mountainmanbob

just a note here
bail is just to get one out of jail until they go through the court process
once sentenced if found guilty
one may still be sent to jail or prison so as to serve their time

the six months mentioned above does not make sense ??

DecBaby

Yeah people change. Is jail enough? Hopefully but probably not. Court mandated rehab? That might not work either. People need to want to change. Jail was the beginning of rock bottom for me. It wasn't rock bottom though. Can this be enough to change him? Experience says no. Idk how deep his addiction is though.

LadyM87

I live in Canada things are a little different here I think. I believe that due to the nature of his crime, he may be denied bail from the Crown Attorney (That's IF he can even get someone to post it for him). This is all information I have recevied via his mother so I'm not 100% on specs. Although here, everyone has the right of innocence until proven guilty he is pleaing guilty and (this is actually the truth) his defence or justification or whatever is because he is an addict and he has only one motivation. The addiction drove him to committ these crimes (non violent, non threatening to anyone but himself ultimately).

LadyM87

His addiction is pretty bad DecBaby... but I know a part of him relly and truly wants to get clean... I just also happen to know how deep his addiction rolls... Is your story posted here?

DecBaby

No my whole story is not posted here. I was an active member is 2009-2010. During that time I was clean because I was pregnant. Some time afterwards things really got bad. In short lost EVERYTHING! The only thing I had left was my also addicted husband. Once I made the choice to get clean I left him also and had to rebuild every aspect of my life. I'm a year and a half in. New healthy relationship. Studio apartment with a lease. Yay me! 2 jobs. And still don't live with my the children. I love them more than anything. But I know I can't give them everything their aunt and uncle are doing for them. I have a great relationship with them and see them quite a bit but it still hurts. All I can keep doing is moving forward. It took A LOT to turn around though.

LadyM87

DecBaby that's wonderful. I am so happy for your success. I'm so confused about what is happening with my boyfriend... a part of me really and truly believes this is his bottom... but who really knows right? I just know that I can't stick around for anymore of this, because if he's not serious about it I'm just a device of enablement. Do you feel like having the support of loved ones during your recovery process was helpful and to what extent? (If you don't mind me asking, I'm just hoping to gain at least some insight from people with experience.)

DecBaby

I had no support. My sober friends cut me off. My family cut me off. I got support from out patient programs for mental health mostly because they knew I was clean. Then I attempted school. They supported me because I buried myself in what I was doing. It was a safe place. I couldn't continue that because I needed to work. They supported me too because I did a good job. I was always honest about who i was. The last people to start supporting me were my family and friends that cut me off during my hard times. I had to earn their trust back. And I didn't have to tell them I was clean they knew by the things I was doing and my appearance. Take care of yourself. You can't love someone out of their addiction. The best thing those people did was cut me off. And I don't hate them for it.

LadyM87

Thank you DecBaby, you've given me a lot to ponder. I haven't spoken with him in almost a week (which is a long time for our codependent asses) and I hope his time in jail has given him time to reassess his life. As it stood, he wasn't at place where he could be honest about who he was accept with me and even that eventually faded. So I fear, he will never be able to recover if he cannot be honest with the people that are in place to help him (councilors, doctors etc.) I worry about him. When he was kicked out of his home and had no place to go, I took him in. He told me that I was the only person in his life that cared whether he was alive or dead, which obviously wasn't true, and I shared with him my sentiment that what his family is doing is because they care... but I feel as long as he thinks that way nothing can help but for some absurd reason my gut is telling me he's ready (I know it's dumb but it's never failed me.) Time will tell. Thanks for your advice and good luck with everything you've come so far!

DecBaby

Thank you. One last thing you need to remember. If he's not admitting he has a problem he can't get help.

Carlotta

Hi Lady

What are you doing for your recovery?

LadyM87

Hi Carlotta, so sweet of you to ask. I'm taking it day by day. I have a therapist who specializes in addiction and has been very helpful every step of the way. I have large support system of friends and family whom I do not hide this part of my life from. I have joined support groups (and websites such as this one). I have yet to make it to a nar-anon meeting but I've heavily contimplated it it's moreso just a matter of scheduling. However this one tonight near my work so perhaps I will pop in. Also, having connected with his parents finally, (who as I mentioned above are seeking counciling themselves) I feel an abundance of support from them as well. I know I'm probably not taking the best steps towards recovery... How about you Carlotta, are you an addict in recovery? or like me have a loved one with a problem?

Carlotta

Hi Lady,
This is awesome that you take care of number 1
I am what is called a double winner. I am in recovery for alcoholism as well as for codependency and have been in Al Anon since 2001 when I was in a physically abusive relationship with an active alcoholic while remaining sober myself.
I grew up in an alcoholic household and my best friend is an alcoholic. I also work with homeless people (quite a few of them have addiction issues).
Al Anon has been a sanity saver for me and I hope you get a lot of tools and support from Nar Anon.
Recovery is definitely possible but the addict has to want it and work it for themselves.

LadyM87

Congratulations on recovery Carlotta. I feel like talking to people who know first hand is so helpful. I just spoke with his mom, she called me to update me and it's so refreshing to hear from people that know about it for a change instead of people who think they know and tell me 'how it is' but have no first hand experience in dealing with addictions or codependency. They said they visited him today at jail and they said he was first of all clean (for probably the longest time in the past 8 years), and he looked pretty rough and they were telling him this is it... even if he gets the bail.. he said he knows and he's ready. Time will tell I guess.

pravchaw

Hi Lady,

I am from the GTA area myself and father of a 21 yo addict. My son got arrested for possession & trafficking 3 years ago (before I knew he was addicted) and I spent a lot of money and time getting him out. He got away with some community service. That was a mistake. His addiction became worse as time went by and our lives a living hell. He has now dropped out of university and I had to recently evict him from home.

Net, be quite cautious. Let "actions speak louder than words". Remember promises from an addicts mean zilch. Unless he really really wants recovery, its not going to happen.

BTW, The posts from Decbaby are great. Decbaby, I'd like to hear more of your recovery story.

bluebelle

I would suggest you check out the stickies at the top of the page and check out cynical one's blog. She has a really good post about what addicts say from jail.

I'm glad that you have a therapist and that you have a good support group for yourself.

DecBaby

Thank you. One day when I have some time I'll put it all out there in one thread.

theotherhalf

def go to the nar-anon meeting if you can....ive found they can be very helpful and show you what others are doing to set their own boundaries...

Freedom1990

Hello LadyM.

My name is DeVon, and I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (clean/sober 23 years on the 5th of this month). I am also a long-term recovering codependent (14 years). I was married to an addict/alcoholic, now deceased, and have a 35-year-old daughter in active addiction.

All I can do is take care of me, and work my own program of recovery like my life depends on it because it does.

I've experienced all the legal crap, jail, prison, and rehab, with both my ex and my daughter.

Over the years I have learned to detach and allow my daughter to walk her own path.

She's been at it for 15 years now, and I have no hope she will embrace recovery. She grew up around NA and AA, so she knows where the help is. What I do have is faith that God has a plan for her, and I stay out of his way.

As the ex-wife of a convicted felon and addict, I will say that marriage was what finally brought me to my knees and introduced me to recovery.

I had to walk away from the ex for my own sanity and safety. I had to go no contact, and I do not regret those decisions.

God gave me the precious gift of life once again in recovery, and each morning I ask him to help me do his will, not mine. That's a tough thing to do because I was self-will run rampant for so long. That included a lot of unhealthy relationships with men.

The difference between God's will and mine is that my will always hurts.

I think you're doing a terrific job of becoming informed, sharing with us here, and attending meetings.

Keep doing what you are doing for you, and I promise, you will be okay regardless of the things going on around you.

Sending you hugs from hot, humid, and stormy Kansas!

LadyM87

Wow freedom that's a truly inspiring and heartfilled story. Thank you. I've decided to stop communicating with him. I hope to no end he cleans up. He's more than capable and he's at a point in his life where he can still have a life. Have a family and be an adult and all that stuff.... It's honestly heartbreaking what has happened to him. It's literally a disease in him and it hurts too ******* much to watch him go through this. He could have it all if wanted but the only rhing he cares about is his next fix. I can not be a part of this with him anymore.