Kbutler246

I am very naive and new to recovery and being around anyone with an addiction. I battled an eating disorder for 10 years but was able to stop when I was pregnant and have been healthy for over 2 years now. I met a guy back in may. I had known about him from high school just from his bad reputation with drugs. He has a child same age as mine. We started getting together just to let the kids play together since they were so close in age. From day one he admitted his past history about drug use and going to rehab. At the time we met he had been out of rehab for 2-3 months. He was very honest about how he felt and why he went. He goes to AA meetings twice a week and has a sponsor. He has no contact with "old" friends and really never talks to anyone else. He works, fishes, spends times witj family and child and attends church regularly. For 2 months we spent a lot of time together with each others families and attending church regularly. He openly told me how he felt he didn't deserve anyone as good as me and how he always messes up every good thing he has ever had in his life. When I told him I felt as though I could love him he responded by saying he didn't see how someone could love someone as messed up as him. He warned me that I had no idea how quickly he could turn back into he person he once was. I told him that he should be alone and not be in such a seriously relationship then and he said that's not how he meant and that I was very important to him. There were all things he did like not call or text like a normal boyfriend would. I wouldn't push him but he said I was his first sober relationship ever so he had no idea how to fully function in a healthy adult relationship. His ex put him through a lot cheating and having him arrested. I'm sure he was perfect but I know you always have some tie to the mother or father of your child. She would constantly try to throw her relationship in his face and he seemed unphased by it. Last weekend she told him that she was engaged to the guy he cheated on him with. He didn't seem to be bothered but I could tell he had hurt in some way. He never talked more about it but over next few days seemed to pull away. This get because I did so much for him and he started snipping at me and not acting like his normal self around me. A few days later he was supposed to be at my house and never showed. I called and no answer and finally got in touch with his mom who told me he had fallen asleep. I was so hurt because he had already acted distant and just seemed to have no regard for me at all. I sent a text stating that his behavior and been selfish lately and that he was acting unhappy and unappreciative of all I did. I told him I was hurt and that I didn't want to be treated like a dog. The next day he never spoke to me and ignored my call. I finally went to his house where he acted out and told me he couldn't stand checking in with me and how I shouldn't call if he's 20-30 mins showing up late somewhere. I told him I wasn't aware me talking to him once or twice a day caused such a problem. He told me he would call me that night but never did. I had talked with him mom a couple days later saying I didn't know if we would ever talk again. I didn't go into detail but she mentioned to him that night that he should call me. He did only to chew me out for talking to her. He said I had done nothing wrong but he didn't know what he wanted and he didn't like having to answer to anyone. He said he would call me the next day to get together to sort things out. I asked if we were done and he just said he didn't know. It has been three days and still no word from him. I have no called, texted, or been anywhere I think he may be. I have completely left him alone and it's heartbreaking. I grew attached to him and his child and his family. My child also asks for them frequently which hurts because I never had her around any other guy ever. He told me not even 3 weeks ago he loved how we were together and how everything was going. He received his 6 month chip a day before he never showed to my house. I was so happy for him and praised how good he was doing. I want the best for him but would love advice on if he will ever speak to me again and what I should so at this point. I'm going about my life working and taking care of my child but he is on my mind and I have placed a lot of blame on myself for this situation.

Kbutler246

Sorry for grammatical errors but I'm writing this on my phone in bed while my daughter naps. I have told as many points as I could just because head his filled with things to say and my fingers can't type fast enough!! My ex was addicted to pills and meth when he went into rehab. He admitted to using anytime anything went bad. When him as his ex would fight he would use. It was a constant whirlwind of trying to be sober but running back to drugs constantly. I never knew the person he once was but loved the person he was today. The person I met 2 months ago wasn't the same person that acted out on my last week. I dot believe he relapsed but then again I haven't been around him. I don't feel anything I did was anything any other girlfriend would have done. I didn't yell or get angry or call him names. I don't know if finding out his ex was engaged was affecting him. I have acted just how I always did and we even discussed how I talk to him and the things I wanted and he agreed with me the whole way until last week. We were both very open and he completely changed and cut me off without even hesitating. I'm so hurt and confused.

KKE

I'm sorry you are feeling so low and hurt. The on/off and are we/aren't we behaviour is not the nicest thing to have to endure. Is this the first time he has done this kind of "vanishing act" since you've been together? In my experience, A's are quite prone to "vanishing" for a while and doing the whole silent treatment thing. Usually because they want to use in peace and quiet and don't need us there telling them not to and how to live their life. What's important is the drink/drugs at that time. Not us.

I don't know if he's relapsed or not but I've been subjected to similar behaviour. There isn't much you can really say or do to get him talking again until he wants to. Perhaps consider using this time to think about what you want for you and your child and if this is something you can cope with over and over again. I could be wrong but he's done it once, it's likely he will do it again. It's not easy, waiting for someone to come off their little bender and decide that they are ready to talk to you.

Kbutler246

Yes this is the first time he's ever acted this way. He's seems distant here and there but not often or for very long. That was our first "argument" which wasn't much of one just been stating my feelings were hurt when he never showed up or called that night. I saw my therapist yesterday and we discussed recovering addicts behaviors and how the are stunted emotionally and don't know how to cope in stressful situations without using. I guess I'm left wondering was this disappearing act out of normal it behavior that simply wanted to drop me or is this having to do with his recovery? Like I said I have nothing bad to say about Him and things were so smooth and easy up until last week. I've made no contact since our conversation Saturday night. Why tell me we will talk an get together the next day and then no contact? Why not tell me you need space and let it be. The fact he stated a date and time and then vanished hurts even more.

KKE

When me and my A were apart, he used to make plans to meet me, give me times, places, what we would do etc etc. most of the time it was to keep me sweet and quiet for a few days so he could continue with his cr#p in peace for an extra couple of days. We'd get to the day and I'd either not hear from him, his phone would be off, he'd make an excuse "oh I'm not well" or he'd start shouting at me and tell me how controlling I am etc. Either way, most of the time I wouldn't see him despite his promises that I would. Why? Because I wasn't as important as what it was he needed to do that day.

Why not just tell you straight he needs space? They just don't always think that rationally do they? That would take some kind of emotional literacy during a time where he clearly isn't thinking about you and your needs. Right now it's about him and what he wants to do and what he needs to do to feel ok.

It's not easy to rationalise the irrational or as my A always tells me "put sense where there ain't none". Again, I think you need to take a little step back and ask yourself seriously if you and your child will be able to cope with this cycle. He's nice and easy to talk to, something happens that upsets him, he gets more distant and agitated, he does a vanishing act, goes silent, makes plans, breaks plans, does what he wants to do, then he's sorry, comes back, tells you he will change, he's nice and easy to talk to, something happens that upsets him..... Etc etc. This is your first time. After ten, twenty, thirty, one hundred goes round the cycle it's pretty draining.

Kbutler246

This is all sad to hear and yet I knew it all deep down. My question is does this sound like he is using or just staying away because he has the urge and he can't be around me amplifying those urges?

YearForMe

When people show you who they are....believe them ~Maya Angelou

When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them - Oprah's Lifeclass - Oprah Winfrey Network - YouTube

Kbutler246

Powerful. Thank you. Insane to think I could sit here wasting my life blaming myself for this persons actions. To think I'm any less of a person because someone in this state of mind decided I wasn't worth making a priority. I'm independent with a job, home, and child all on my own and doing well. No one should have the ability to make me feel the way I've allowed myself feel for the past five days.

JoeRecovery

Just because someone's in AA doesn't mean they aren't using. Meth especially makes it so easy to lie. I found this out the hard way. I don't think you can have a relationship with him, but maybe at least you can still have playdates with the kid.

DecBaby

Addicts are emotionally stunted. I don't know if he's using or not but I will share my experience. I'm in my first relationship being sober. I also have some mental health issues and I drive my boyfriend crazy with my craziness. I'm very good at realizing when I'm being ridiculous. And if I am doing something that hurts him he lets me know. There's a lot of communication involved. I also never have known a healthy relationship but I'm trying. There's times I need my space and I let him know and he gives it to me. I come around when I've sorted things out with myself. The first question you should ask yourself is he using? If he is walk away. You don't need it for you and your baby. Relationships with ex addicts are possible but not easy. I don't know if this helps I just felt I should share.

Kbutler246

That's what I don't know. I have no idea if he is because he walked away so suddenly. We haven't talked since this weekend so I wish I knew if it was because he was using or because he needed to be alone to get straight. Hard not knowing but I don't want to push talking unless he wants to. Ill be more at peace knowing some sort of answer.

DecBaby

The hardest part is not knowing. Just go about your life and see if he reaches out. Then you'll get your answer. This isn't your fault. Remember that. Idk if it's a good idea or not to reach out to his mom to give you some peace. Maybe she would know if he's using. If so you walk away. Idk if she would be honest with you though. The only right answer I see here is to keep going about your life keeping busy. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Kbutler246

I love his mom but I'm afraid she would tell him we talked and that would just stir the pot again. I had talked to her Saturday morning and she told me she knew something was up but he hadn't talked to her. She said he had been busy with his child and visiting her parents. He was staying busy so maybe he was trying to get his mind on anything but using. I'm not stopping my life for him so maybe space will be good for him and it'll work out later.

DecBaby

I think that's a good attitude.

Kbutler246

Thanks venting has helped. Hard to understand when I don't know what he's going through and when actions and behaviors change suddenly.

KKE

Even if you knew for sure what he was going through and that he needed space and he was just trying to keep himself busy etc, is this something you think you could tolerate regularly? And let's say he had and in the future was able to articulate himself and say "I need to be on my own and have space I'll be in touch" are you the sort if person who could just accept that and carry on with your week? I could be way off the mark and maybe this is just a one off, so apologies if I'm making assumptions.

Kbutler246

That has been the question I've been wondering myself. That if he came around and wanted to work things out should I trust him and try with him. This has been the first time but we've only been together 2 months. We should still be in the honeymoon stage not this. I had surgery this morning and my birthday is Tom so that going and made his situation harder to handle. Everyone seems to think hell contact me again but I've never had someone do this to me after calling me a perfect person and how he didn't deserve me 2 weeks ago to not speaking to me. I guess time will tell and ill just have to user head instead of my heart to make a decision.

KKE

I hope you're ok and your surgery went ok. Happy birthday for tomorrow, have you got anything nice planned?

I don't know him but if I had to put money on it I'd say he will contact you when HE is ready to. Just remember, you don't have to talk to him unless you really want to and you definitely don't have to respond to him straight away. It wouldn't kill him to text you but he has chosen not to because you are not his first concern right now. Just do what is best for you and your child. Do things that make the two of you happy.

Kbutler246

Surgery went perfect. Home resting now. We are having girls dinner for my bday Tom night and cake with the fam Tom as well. I have a lot of good people i can talk to and that support me. None of them have been through or know about addiction and recovery so I'm very happy I found this forum!! Maybe one day I can offer someone advice based on my experience. It isn't much but encouraging words can def turn your outlook on a situation around.

KKE

Sound like you've got some good stuff planned. Make sure you lap up the positive attention and enjoy yourself.

And yeah, deffo, I'm sure you will be able to help others who will go through similar stuff that you're going through. That's the great thing about this forum, everyone understands what it's like and no matter how crazy it might sound you know you'll be listened to and understood.