Relationship

Old 07-31-2013, 09:44 PM
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So his mom texted and asked how my surgery went and wished me happy early birthday. Said I had been on her mind. Didn't ask her about t ex. Told her she was sweet and I'm doing great. Guess its reassurance that I wasn't in the wrong. If I had been she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Another indicator something isn't right on his end
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Old 08-01-2013, 03:40 PM
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How was your birthday?

His mum probably knows her son well enough and probably wants for you to be with her son. You definitely were not in the wrong.
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Old 08-01-2013, 04:12 PM
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Birthday has been great!! Of course no word from him but word from the inside says he's not the same person he was when he got out of rehab. Lately he's been lazy and sleeping and eating a lot more. He doesn't help around the house and snaps and his mom and stepdad. Apparently the family is worried something isn't right so I believe he may be using again. This isn't the life I want for my daughter or me. His parents keeping hoping its just a phase but I think he hit a 3 month slump. I've decided to step back even if he tries to contact me. I shouldn't put my daughter in such a horrible situation with mood swings and the unknowing. I wish him the best but I'm letting go.
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Old 08-01-2013, 04:19 PM
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That's a really strong decision and takes a lot of courage. It's really nice to see you're putting you and your daughter first :-)
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Old 08-01-2013, 04:22 PM
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Thank you. Maybe he can come to a better place and we can be friends. If he were her dad or my husband this wouldn't be such an easy decision but he's someone I dated for 2 months. I still care for him a great deal but its hard holding on to someone who doesn't seem to mind letting you go.
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Old 08-03-2013, 06:12 AM
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It doesn't sound like he's doing too good. You're doing the right thing. Stick.with it. It sounds like the right thing for you.
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Old 08-03-2013, 07:51 AM
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It's been a week tonight since the last time we talked. I feel he isn't doing well and that does make me sad. I don't want bad things for him and know how much all this has put his family through. His mom will never admit he's doing wrong so I feel things will get pushed under the rug until its too late. Hopefully he finds the support he needs to not fall off the wagon.
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Old 08-04-2013, 11:50 AM
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Why can't I let this go? He's not speaking to me and I made the decision but its on my heart and mind all the time. Talked to his stepdad at church and he's been spending a lot of time with his real dad. Was seeing me hindering his recovery? I was supportive and positive. Anyone dealt with the disappearing act this long? From what everyone said he would contact me again but maybe this is something different. I never get textbook scenarios happen to me. It's always what you would never expect to happen.
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Old 08-04-2013, 05:11 PM
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Yep, four months!

You weren't hindering his progress at all. He's just running away (from life) and is showing you that you aren't his priority. Try not to make him yours if you can. Pretend if you have to! I used to do that when things got bad, even if it Was just for an hour at a time. You deserve so much more. Stay strong, I know it's rubbish right now.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:24 PM
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it WAS only two months...he IS just out of rehab...and you WERE starting to get a bit clingy. in the future, keep the relationship between you and the other person, NOT his mother. said gently, this isn't about YOU for him....his mood, his backing off, his whatever....we aren't so powerful as to wreck somebody else's recovery.

quit listening thru the grapevine for updates, respectfully draw down the amount of contact you have with his folks, put it down, let it go.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:32 PM
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He pulled me into his family, church, and life in general. He was at my place every night not the other way around. Sorry I'm not an addict and don't know the proper steps. No matter how clingy I may have seemed to be I didn't deserve being told we would talk one day and then never speaking to me again. Addict or not I don't think it's an excuse to treat someone like crap that you have clearly made a spot for in their lives especially with children involved. Guess I expected a boy to be a man.
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:58 PM
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You don't deserve to be treated badly, I agree. Again, I just don't think he's thinking about your needs right now. It's not nice I know.

Maybe if you do go to the same church etc just keep,the conversation with his parents on church or everyday stuff rather than him. You might find hearing too much about him and what he's upto is just going to be upsetting for you?
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:02 PM
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I just cared about him. Haven't felt like that for anyone since my little girls dad years ago. 2 months is nothing but doesn't change how I felt or that I wanted the best for him.
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:11 PM
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I know what you mean about 2 months not being long but I always think (and I could be wrong and this could be my messed up codependent thinking) if you like someone it doesn't take that long to figure it out. Especially if they are giving you all the right vibes. Maybe it's more lust and excitement in the early days.

You can still care and want the best for him. Just from a bit if a distance for now? I know it's not great but what else can you do right now?
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:16 PM
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Exactly. I haven't dared contacted him and just had happy bday texts form his parents and quick convo with his stepdad at church. I start back work this week and going back to my normal routine before him. Not depressed or crying myself to sleep over this just stings because my feelings were hurt. My situation doesn't compare to the marriages and years of heartache like others but at the moment it does suck....but from a distance!
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Old 08-05-2013, 04:24 PM
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I don't think HE is using the addict excuse, YOU are. Take ADDICT out of the equation. You met a guy, dated two months, he pulled a no-show on you. That's it, end of story. Why are you obsessing so much over this guy and whether he is/isn't using? So what? He showed you that he isn't into you anymore. Isn't it time to move on?

You are focussing your attention on HIS addiction/recovery. What are you doing for YOURS?
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Old 08-05-2013, 05:03 PM
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So I came on this forum to get some insight on something I didn't know about. Apparently people are offended by me wanting to talk and vent. I never said his behavior was because of his addiction. I simply explained the situation to get an opinion. It really is surprising people are gettin offended. Thank you for the ones who were positive and supportive.
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Old 08-05-2013, 05:07 PM
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KButler246, I was thinking along the lines of cleaninLI. If you take addict out of the equation, you have an unresolved emotional situation. One idea is to write him a letter, for your eyes only, what the last 2 months have meant to you (could love again, fun times, church, family) and what his walking away from you - without a word - how that made you feel. Really. REALLY think about this letter. Write it, put it away for a day or 2. Re-read it. And when you're ready - burn it.
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Old 08-05-2013, 05:12 PM
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Eve13 that is a great idea. I think the issue is having things I've wanted to say that I never got to. Like the final conversation I was never allowed to have. Would probably be a great way to vent and get it off my chest without having to contact him. Whatever his reason for this it shouldn't be my concern anymore. Maybe he was being an unattached individual. At the end of the day I shouldn't be letting it consume anymore of my time. I'm sure I'm not consuming any of his!!
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Old 08-05-2013, 05:23 PM
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Guys, I get what you're saying and don't disagree with you completely but I can't help but think the whole vanishing and disappearing stuff is very "addict" behaviour? I know non addicts can do the same but I can see some link there.

I'm not really the best at advising on threads so am quite interested in the point of views you are taking on kbutlers situation.

KButler - I know what people are saying might seem harsh. When I first joined this forum I was a bit stunned at how people put things to me but I can honestly say its said to help you and to help you see things differently. You don't have to agree with what everyone saying but I'm sure it's not being said to hurt you. For me, I tried to keep open minded when I was getting advice that I felt was a bit harsh and used it to question my behaviour and self reflect.
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