Now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Now what?
My husband is a crack addict. He's been through drug court, NA and the whole system of getting clean. When we met he told me he was completely sober from all things. He's had a couple of relapses and they're never good. The whole family is effected; emotionally financially and at times physically.
He had a relapse in March or April of is year and spent a great deal of money on crack and didn't come home for days. I insisted on drug counseling and marriage counseling as part of the way to help mend us as a family and help him stay on the right track. He was remorseful and willing. He did what we had agreed to: stay sober and get counseling until this past month (July).
He admitted to me that he had began to start using marijuana again. This is never a good thing: while he HAS marijuana, he's pleasant...when he runs out... He turns into a hateful person I don't recognize. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and I felt like it always leads him to use crack eventually. He got really really angry and said he wanted a divorce if I wouldn't agree with his marijuana use. We were in the car and he started to drive dangerously, rolled down his window and threw out his wedding ring. Once we were home, he drank 2 bottles of wine in less than 15 minutes and passed out. When he awoke, he was still drunk and insisted that we go find his ring. We looked for hours until dark. When he couldn't find it, he got really angry. he started calling me names, telling me how ugly I am, that he was sleeping with other women and that I needed to move out. When I began to argue back with him and ask why he's so angry at me he pushed me really hard and stepped on the side of my head until I was screaming. I got up to call 911- while I was on the phone, he tried to break anything valuable of mine he could, my iPad threw my iPhone down the hill. He then cut the phone line and told me he was gonna shoot me. I left the house and hid in the woods to wait for the police. He left after locking the house and taking the hideaway key, locking me out of the house in my pajamas.
He was later arrested for assault and battery and DUI. We are on a 72 hour protection order. I'm devastated.....
What now? Now I'm blaming myself for him getting arrested. Am I wrong for insisting that he not start doing drugs as a recovering addict??
He had a relapse in March or April of is year and spent a great deal of money on crack and didn't come home for days. I insisted on drug counseling and marriage counseling as part of the way to help mend us as a family and help him stay on the right track. He was remorseful and willing. He did what we had agreed to: stay sober and get counseling until this past month (July).
He admitted to me that he had began to start using marijuana again. This is never a good thing: while he HAS marijuana, he's pleasant...when he runs out... He turns into a hateful person I don't recognize. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that and I felt like it always leads him to use crack eventually. He got really really angry and said he wanted a divorce if I wouldn't agree with his marijuana use. We were in the car and he started to drive dangerously, rolled down his window and threw out his wedding ring. Once we were home, he drank 2 bottles of wine in less than 15 minutes and passed out. When he awoke, he was still drunk and insisted that we go find his ring. We looked for hours until dark. When he couldn't find it, he got really angry. he started calling me names, telling me how ugly I am, that he was sleeping with other women and that I needed to move out. When I began to argue back with him and ask why he's so angry at me he pushed me really hard and stepped on the side of my head until I was screaming. I got up to call 911- while I was on the phone, he tried to break anything valuable of mine he could, my iPad threw my iPhone down the hill. He then cut the phone line and told me he was gonna shoot me. I left the house and hid in the woods to wait for the police. He left after locking the house and taking the hideaway key, locking me out of the house in my pajamas.
He was later arrested for assault and battery and DUI. We are on a 72 hour protection order. I'm devastated.....
What now? Now I'm blaming myself for him getting arrested. Am I wrong for insisting that he not start doing drugs as a recovering addict??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Wow fitchicky...You are in a dangerous situation. Although I don't believe any recovering addict should be smoking pot...at this moment in time I think your safety is much more important. If you are back in the house I would suggest getting any and all weapons out of there. Stash them at a friends or whatever. This is craziness and if you have children they NEED you to protect them. What if he made good on his threats and they were stuck with him as their only parent. This is not your fault. The fact you even asked indicates you could likely really benefit from al-anon or nar-anon. I'm proud of you for reaching out but I am scared sh@$less for you right now. Are you willing to request a permanent restraining order? His addiction is furious with you...He found another thing that "worked"...how dare you question it too. Please protect yourself and any children in the home. He is responsible for his dui and assault charges. You didn't make him do anything... what he had was a full blown temper tantrum and he deserves every bit of trouble that's come his way because of it. Read the stickies at the top of the forum...I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't let his addiction take you down with it. Big hug to you today.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Thank you LizWig - "His addiction is furious with you" is the most enlightening and profound statement yet, because when his addiction is not in control he's an amazing and talented person...but then we cycle back through the craziness about every 3-4 months. His addiction does get furious with my attempts to set healthy boundaries within my home and for my children. Thanks for your support. I am willing to extend the order.. I have to go back for the 30 day order this week. I've grown tired of battling this demon of his and I need the system to battle it for a while so I can recharge.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
You did the right thing in calling the police. Your life was (is) in danger. Looks like he is turning psychotic. A stint in jail is just the medicine he needs. Consider taking out a permanent restraining order.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I have to go back for the 30 day order this week. I've grown tired of battling this demon of his and I need the system to battle it for a while so I can recharge.
Having an addict to constantly appease and worry about can make a person crazy.
I hope you continue to come back and get help for yourself.
I think it is time to stop the cycle, and it could very possibly quicken up
and get worse.
If it is your house and you have children, keep them safe.
This "amazing and talented guy" is the same man who put his foot on your head,
threatened to shoot you and destroyed your property.
Crack can and has brought about psychosis.
same cycle, same guy on the cycle.
Please be safe.
Beth
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
"Having an addict to constantly appease and worry about can make a person crazy" says everything. There are times I actually do feel crazy. He gets crazy and sucks my psyche in like a vacuum and I can't escape as long as he is around. But I do kinda feel bad because this whole thing started over marijuana- some people say its not so bad and don't understand why I get upset by "a little pot" but with an addict, there's never a little of anything and the need just gets bigger, until it no longer satisfies and then he's on to bigger and more destructive substances.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Your experience sounds like it was horrible. I don't know what other options you had at the time. You were in danger, so was he... and anyone else who was driving or even walking while he was driving in that condition.
It does sound like he was in a type of psychosis, and I agree it sounds like harder drugs possibly, but then you also said he drank 2 bottles of wine in 15 minutes shortly before all this happened.
How are you?
Did you get checked out by a doctor?
It does sound like he was in a type of psychosis, and I agree it sounds like harder drugs possibly, but then you also said he drank 2 bottles of wine in 15 minutes shortly before all this happened.
How are you?
Did you get checked out by a doctor?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by Fitchicky 
What now?
Your husband's addiction didn't physically assault you, he did.
That rates him just below pond scum in my book.
Please read your first post again, summon up some self respect, and save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Lizwig, I bounce back and forth between forums, and when I read that you thought that the addiction was furious with the people who care and want to help the addict, made me think differently about my girls and their drugging it up. I thought that they were being, saying and doing cruel things to me and the rest of the family...example getting raped whilst in jail, how I ruined the family by calling the police on them, blaming me for all their problems, involving more and more family members and last night, texting me that they were both getting tattoos that say "sh$tty children". This kind of behavior and blaming is/was hurting me, and i did feel like i was going crazy, until I saw your very wise words, the addiction is furious with me, or at me, makes sooo much sense to me now. Today, I will be looking at my children differently. This IS an illness, maybe I won't be beating myself up over this much longer...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the rage and physical violence are frightening and put you in GREAT danger. get that protection order extended and do everything in your power to stay safe. you can fully expect to hear the "i'm sorry, please forgive me, it will never happen again" song and dance....OR find him in a violent frothy rage on your porch or outside of work.
he stomped on your head.
may that be the LAST thing he EVER has the opportunity to DO to you again.
he stomped on your head.
may that be the LAST thing he EVER has the opportunity to DO to you again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by allforcnm
Your experience sounds like it was horrible. I don't know what other options you had at the time. You were in danger, so was he... and anyone else who was driving or even walking while he was driving in that condition.
It does sound like he was in a type of psychosis, and I agree it sounds like harder drugs possibly, but then you also said he drank 2 bottles of wine in 15 minutes shortly before all this happened.
How are you?
Did you get checked out by a doctor?
It does sound like he was in a type of psychosis, and I agree it sounds like harder drugs possibly, but then you also said he drank 2 bottles of wine in 15 minutes shortly before all this happened.
How are you?
Did you get checked out by a doctor?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by Twofish
Hi Lizwig, I bounce back and forth between forums, and when I read that you thought that the addiction was furious with the people who care and want to help the addict, made me think differently about my girls and their drugging it up. I thought that they were being, saying and doing cruel things to me and the rest of the family...example getting raped whilst in jail, how I ruined the family by calling the police on them, blaming me for all their problems, involving more and more family members and last night, texting me that they were both getting tattoos that say "sh$tty children". This kind of behavior and blaming is/was hurting me, and i did feel like i was going crazy, until I saw your very wise words, the addiction is furious with me, or at me, makes sooo much sense to me now. Today, I will be looking at my children differently. This IS an illness, maybe I won't be beating myself up over this much longer...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
I am worried about my husbands mental health since sat night when he got arrested. The restraining order is now lifted and I want to just call and make sure he's alive, but I'm not sure if I should.
Orange Lily
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Don't do it- you should be making those phone calls right now to take care of YOURSELF. You and your family are #1 right now, take care of all your immediate needs right now and not "checking in on him"--- believe me, the cops would have notified you if it got worse while in jail. You need to take care of yourself ASAP before he tries to return.
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