My husband called from his rehab center

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Old 07-27-2013, 02:09 PM
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My husband called from his rehab center

Hi everybody,

I got to talk to my husband today. I know you all are thinking its nuts because I was with him only last Monday when he went into rehab, but it has been a long week. I hope it gets easier being apart, and it s weird because I think about how our whole relationship has been, and then I think about how crazy it was these last couple months since he was using all these drugs, and I know I dont want to go back to that. But Im still thinking of him as the way before all that happened, and he seems more like himself but he is really down. I wanted to ask if this is a normal part of withdrawing from the drugs, and just going into a rehab? He said he doesn't feel very good, and misses me. He told me about what he has been doing, and he said he is having a hard time with feeling comfortable with people there and talking about himself. Hes not the kind to talk a lot about himself to start with. He sounded sad, and down. I tried to encourage him, and we hung up on I think positive note. Then I cried, talked to some friends, and feel a little better. Im gonna call his parents and tell them about all of it. Im sure its normal what hes feeling, at least he didnt say he wanted to leave. Id been told that I had to tell him he has to stay, he cant come home. Im glad I didnt have to say any of that today. I think about his sad, depressed voice though and that part hurts.
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Old 07-27-2013, 02:47 PM
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Hi bluechair, he's exactly where he needs to be and I think it's very normal for them to feel down. I would imagine they all have a moment of "how the hell did I wind up here?" They also are faced with realizing the "true cost"of doing drugs...and I'm not talking about the financial piece. He has a long hard road ahead of him. He'll gain confidence with every little step he takes. I know it's hard but hopefully the investment will be worth it for both of you. Sending thoughts your way.
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Old 07-27-2013, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post
Hi everybody,

I got to talk to my husband today. I know you all are thinking its nuts because I was with him only last Monday when he went into rehab, but it has been a long week. I hope it gets easier being apart, and it s weird because I think about how our whole relationship has been, and then I think about how crazy it was these last couple months since he was using all these drugs, and I know I dont want to go back to that. But Im still thinking of him as the way before all that happened, and he seems more like himself but he is really down. I wanted to ask if this is a normal part of withdrawing from the drugs, and just going into a rehab? He said he doesn't feel very good, and misses me. He told me about what he has been doing, and he said he is having a hard time with feeling comfortable with people there and talking about himself. Hes not the kind to talk a lot about himself to start with. He sounded sad, and down. I tried to encourage him, and we hung up on I think positive note. Then I cried, talked to some friends, and feel a little better. Im gonna call his parents and tell them about all of it. Im sure its normal what hes feeling, at least he didnt say he wanted to leave. Id been told that I had to tell him he has to stay, he cant come home. Im glad I didnt have to say any of that today. I think about his sad, depressed voice though and that part hurts.
I've never had anyone in rehab but hope to soon. I would think that is perfectly normal.

It seems like guys have way more problems talking to people about their feelings. Could he possibly keep a journal? Sometimes it is easier to write something out rather than say it. Just a thought....

Kari
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Old 07-27-2013, 04:18 PM
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Bluechair,
From my experience that's pretty normal. My husband sounded depressed for the first 2 weeks until he got the hang of being there made some friends, got used to the schedule and really discovered that it was the best place for him to be. It was hard to hear him so sad but I had to start looking at rehab as a chance for us to start over. He's in sober living now doing intensive outpatient and when they moved him into the apartment Friday he sounded sad again. I know he wants to be home and I do too but I want him home with as many tools as he can have to face real life. I will also say that while the was there he would have good days and bad days. They made him face the reasons why he started using in the first place. Made him start digging into some old emotions that he was trying to drown. That was very hard for him. For me al anon and the Codependency No More workbook have been invaluable.
I hope things get easier for you and you are able to find some amount of peace in the situation you're in.
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Old 07-27-2013, 08:23 PM
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thank you All for your replies to me. It helps to hear other people have been on the other end of the same kind of phone call. In my mind I know it has to be normal for him to feel the way it does, so silly dont get too upset. But when you hear the voice of someone you love hurting, its rough. Im doing better this week then I thought I would though. Ive had trouble falling asleep without him, but in a way its a comfort because it is so much better than when he was missing, or when he was so sick in the hospital with the stomach problem and infection. I have a lot of days to go so I had better get used to it right, something like 84.

KariSue thanks for the journal idea. I will mention this to him next time we talk. I do think men have a harder time opening up, but I dont like to talk about my personal things in front of people either. It takes me a while to feel safe and to trust people. It has to be hard when its like ok, now lets begin to discuss your life and all thats going on here.

Someoneswife, thanks for the workbook suggestion. I will add that one to my recommendations that I started collecting when he was in the hospital. Im on my second book now, and yes they have helped me to understand, and see the writers experience with their family. The next one Im going to read is by the son himself. Ive heard it is sort of graphic, but I still want to read it. I hope Im not somehow trying to torture myself. I may have to think about that.

I told everyone i talked to him. His mom was asking why I got to talk to him and not her. I said, well I called to check with the staff person like they said any of us family could do, about like when someone is in the hospital. And he asked if I wanted to talk to him. He said he would have him call me back and then he did. So his dad told her in a nice way, sort of joking that he was sure he would rather have his wifes sweet voice in his ear than his moms. But he loves his mom, so i hope she doesnt feel bad. He will get his own phone next weekend, and we can all visit him.

If anyone has more tips, please share. I need to hear others advice on how to survive rehab time. I agree it is like an investment and Im happy he is there.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:44 AM
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I can identify with the sad phone calls. My son is calling from jail every evening. He isn't begging for us to bail him out...to his credit, but last night when I talked to him I felt like saying "Mom will come get you, love you, and make it all better." I didn't say it though but it was so hard not to want to. I'm experiencing the 'tough' part of tough love and it is tough. I had a good cry and I almost never cry. I'm not generally a crier.

I am also wondering how we're going to get through rehab but mostly it is telling his two children who are almost 8 and 14 where daddy is. They are starting to ask now (they live with their mom thankfully) so the conversation will come soon. But enough about me....

I find that keeping busy helps. I like to be around my other son and daughter. I am also considering journaling myself. That is also something I've never done before. If it gets too rough, I'll get counseling for myself. That might be an option for you. Someone who is objective that you can just get it all out to.

Kari
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Old 07-28-2013, 06:27 AM
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Good morning....I'm not sure I would read Nick Sheffs book yet blue chair. I'm a mom and after 5 years of this it scared the living daylights out of me. I finally put it aside with the intent of picking it up again later. It is very graphic and I had to keep reminding myself he was living in a very large metropolitan city where these things were taking place. Not to say they couldn't happen anywhere but I didn't see the point of making myself more stressed just to finish a book that really isn't about helping you...just my opinion. There are so many good books out there. I'm reading one now that Pravchaw recommended. "Don't let your kids kill you"...So far it has struck home with me more than many others....Kari sue you may really get something from it...You probably would as well blue chair, and your mother in law. I guess that's the goal...keep learning...keep moving forward...keep reminding ourselves God will only give us what we can handle...
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Old 07-28-2013, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by lizwig View Post
Good morning....I'm not sure I would read Nick Sheffs book yet blue chair. I'm a mom and after 5 years of this it scared the living daylights out of me. I finally put it aside with the intent of picking it up again later. It is very graphic and I had to keep reminding myself he was living in a very large metropolitan city where these things were taking place. Not to say they couldn't happen anywhere but I didn't see the point of making myself more stressed just to finish a book that really isn't about helping you...just my opinion. There are so many good books out there. I'm reading one now that Pravchaw recommended. "Don't let your kids kill you"...So far it has struck home with me more than many others....Kari sue you may really get something from it...You probably would as well blue chair, and your mother in law. I guess that's the goal...keep learning...keep moving forward...keep reminding ourselves God will only give us what we can handle...
Actually at one time I had the book "Don't let your kids kill you" but after a while of thinking my son was okay I threw it out as I got tired of having all the addiction books around. I do remember it was good although I didn't finish it.

Silly me, throwing out the books.

Kari
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Old 07-28-2013, 01:48 PM
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There was one part of the first book I read that made me really think. The father had been through so much with his son for a long time, and he said there were times when he had wished for thoughts of his son, and the memory of his to be cut out from his brain. And then later on, he suffered an aneurism and while he couldn’t even communicate he was still thinking about his son. Where was his son, how is his son ,how will this news affect his son. And he realized even though worrying about his son and the addiction were painful, he knew he didn’t ever want to lose the thoughts of his son. I know that is a parent child relationship , but it hurt so bad when my husband was missing and I had no idea what was going on, if he was ok. And I know it does no good to worry, it doesn’t fix anything, and we all tried to be proactive and keep busy but you still couldn’t get rid of all the pain and worry. So now I think I realize people have to keep functioning, and I think it’s a matter of how well you compartmentalize your emotions. Anyway that part of the book really stuck with me, and at night when I feel lonely because he is not here, and I worry about what may happen, I realize that is ok. I still feel like I am happy he is locked in my mind and create feelings, because we are still together. Probably may not make sense to everyone but it helps me right now.

Im also trying to keep busy KariSue. I went to Whole Foods and bought up some of my favorites, and fresh veggies. I had not been eating too good when he was in the hospital. I had a lot of caffeine and a lot of those coffee and fruit smoothies but they have a lot of calories, especially when you say yes to the whipped cream when they ask. At the time it was like comfort food I think. Back on the lettuce. Still no word on a possible rehab for your son, or when he might get in?

I heard the book was graphic, and I read some of the articles by Nic Sheff on the website the Fix I think its called. Thanks for the tip Lizwig. I have been wondering why Im drawn to hearing the horribleness of what can go on. I think and Im afraid to even admit it, he may have cheated on me. We did not discuss it, but the place where his friends found him, they said it was a friend of a friend of a friends, and there were women there using drugs too. Im not ready to face any of that yet, and I dont know for sure, but I want to prepare myself for his admitting this to me at some point during his rehab as he deals with it all himself. Maybe that is why I want to torture myself beforehand. I think it might be a good idea for me to look into some kind of counseling because if that happened, then Im going to need help to deal with it. Im not there yet.
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Old 07-28-2013, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post
There was one part of the first book I read that made me really think. The father had been through so much with his son for a long time, and he said there were times when he had wished for thoughts of his son, and the memory of his to be cut out from his brain. And then later on, he suffered an aneurism and while he couldn’t even communicate he was still thinking about his son. Where was his son, how is his son ,how will this news affect his son. And he realized even though worrying about his son and the addiction were painful, he knew he didn’t ever want to lose the thoughts of his son. I know that is a parent child relationship , but it hurt so bad when my husband was missing and I had no idea what was going on, if he was ok. And I know it does no good to worry, it doesn’t fix anything, and we all tried to be proactive and keep busy but you still couldn’t get rid of all the pain and worry. So now I think I realize people have to keep functioning, and I think it’s a matter of how well you compartmentalize your emotions. Anyway that part of the book really stuck with me, and at night when I feel lonely because he is not here, and I worry about what may happen, I realize that is ok. I still feel like I am happy he is locked in my mind and create feelings, because we are still together. Probably may not make sense to everyone but it helps me right now.

Im also trying to keep busy KariSue. I went to Whole Foods and bought up some of my favorites, and fresh veggies. I had not been eating too good when he was in the hospital. I had a lot of caffeine and a lot of those coffee and fruit smoothies but they have a lot of calories, especially when you say yes to the whipped cream when they ask. At the time it was like comfort food I think. Back on the lettuce. Still no word on a possible rehab for your son, or when he might get in?

I heard the book was graphic, and I read some of the articles by Nic Sheff on the website the Fix I think its called. Thanks for the tip Lizwig. I have been wondering why Im drawn to hearing the horribleness of what can go on. I think and Im afraid to even admit it, he may have cheated on me. We did not discuss it, but the place where his friends found him, they said it was a friend of a friend of a friends, and there were women there using drugs too. Im not ready to face any of that yet, and I dont know for sure, but I want to prepare myself for his admitting this to me at some point during his rehab as he deals with it all himself. Maybe that is why I want to torture myself beforehand. I think it might be a good idea for me to look into some kind of counseling because if that happened, then Im going to need help to deal with it. Im not there yet.
As far as thinking about it all, we can't help the thoughts from coming and I'm not sure we'd want to if we love the person....which is what your book was saying.

From past experiences of all kinds (I'm not young, lol), I've found that you kind of have to learn to dance in the rain. You also have to go 'through' the feelings rather than try to make them go away or worry that they are there. I once heard a quote that I liked. "I can't help how I feel right now but I can help how I think and act." That brings clarity and lessens worry a lot of the time. If things get too overwhelming, I have absolutely no problem going for counseling. I've done it before for another situation (not drug related) and I can do it again. It was very beneficial.

I remember during that counseling from the past that the counselor said to me "Be good to yourself. You are going through so much right now and you need to be gentle with yourself." (something like that anyway). That made me think of the hard job we all have here and that we are doing hard things. I tend to be too critical of myself. Like you said about your diet BlueChair. I also have been eating junky the last week while before I was down to losing the last 5 pounds on my diet. Today I got back on the wagon. Have what looks to be a great cabbage dish baking now.

I have given myself permission to eat a little junk....a little, cry when I want to, and even feel sorry for myself...for a little while. I am trying to make my life easier by doing different things. In a time of crisis it is OK to not be totally on our game. It is OK to take shortcuts and to treat ourselves more. We should treat ourselves like we would treat a friend who is going through the same thing. We are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm getting a little silly but figured we needed a pep talk.

Thanks for asking BlueChair. We just got some info about our county drug rehab program and it looks like the best place. My son's fiance just got some info from them on Friday but someone is supposed to call her back. They go to the jail to do the assessment so that is a good thing. Still in a waiting pattern as far as rehab.

Kari
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:02 PM
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Thanks for the pep talk Kari Sue....had myself a bit of a moment today so it really helped. I'm going to be gentle with myself for the rest of the day...Thanks for the reminder.
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Old 07-28-2013, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post
Hi everybody,

I got to talk to my husband today. I know you all are thinking its nuts because I was with him only last Monday when he went into rehab, but it has been a long week. I hope it gets easier being apart, and it s weird because I think about how our whole relationship has been, and then I think about how crazy it was these last couple months since he was using all these drugs, and I know I dont want to go back to that. But Im still thinking of him as the way before all that happened, and he seems more like himself but he is really down. I wanted to ask if this is a normal part of withdrawing from the drugs, and just going into a rehab? He said he doesn't feel very good, and misses me. He told me about what he has been doing, and he said he is having a hard time with feeling comfortable with people there and talking about himself. Hes not the kind to talk a lot about himself to start with. He sounded sad, and down. I tried to encourage him, and we hung up on I think positive note. Then I cried, talked to some friends, and feel a little better. Im gonna call his parents and tell them about all of it. Im sure its normal what hes feeling, at least he didnt say he wanted to leave. Id been told that I had to tell him he has to stay, he cant come home. Im glad I didnt have to say any of that today. I think about his sad, depressed voice though and that part hurts.
That sadness and depression you mentioned is exactly why so many of us don't last past a week or so. People in addictin hate to feel sad, uncomfortable, etc. So when "feelings" come in to play that are usually more intense from the drugs, they need a relief from the sadness. The drugs do that. For a minute or so. I think there is a retraining process the brain has to go through, instead of fixing the sadness with drugs, it has to find new ways. Such as talking about themselves, and bonding with others, etc.
It sounds like he is doing very well.

That's my experience anyway. I've been going through some stuff and even after 8 years, that random thought pops in my head when I feel sad. It's easy to redirect my brain now, lol, and say nooo, just feel. But in the beginning there was a lot of feelings I had no idea how to deal with.

I understand feeling sad, worried, etc for him, but this is all good stuff!
JMO
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:51 PM
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My husband had a difficult time the first few weeks in rehab also. He had some depression, but anxiety was worse for him. I think part of it was caused by the anti-anxiety med he had been taking, so I don't know if everyone experiences that. My husband complained quite a bit those first weeks also. Mostly trivial stuff, but then he also didn't think the doctors knew what they were doing, and thought he should leave a few times, but he never did. I think all of that is common also. It sounds like your husband is doing well so far. Great News
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Old 07-30-2013, 05:37 AM
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BlueChair, the great news is that your spouse is in a place where the counselors and other clients will talk with your husband about his despondence. You could call his therapist if you wished, to share that he sounded down, and ask if this is this being addressed in sessions. I guess my point is that this is not something you need to take on or worry about.

Glad you're eating well, that makes a difference And IIR, he was potentially sharing needles? Please get tested. Now, then in 6 months, then in 6 more months. That is a great way of taking care of yourself too. (hugs)
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Old 07-30-2013, 05:54 AM
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I’m glad your husband is in a rehab giving himself a chance at recovery. Done_with_it is right, feelings are a major part of addiction and a major part towards recovery.

Please prepare yourself, focus on you and your own recovery at this time. Go to counseling, go to al-anon seek out what ever help there is available to you. Learn and research as much as you can about addiction so you are more prepared for things to come.

Rehab is never the total solution it’s just another tool towards recovery and giving HIM an opportunity. Right now he’s in the easy part of his recovery, detoxing off the drugs in a safe environment beginning to learn about being in groups and sharing those feelings. The really hard part comes when he leaves rehab and his recovery is left up to him.

Not trying to be negative just real.
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