Shownthelight

Went to my first Al-anon meeting last night it was 2 hours.1 hr beginners followed by reg meeting. I am angry, i am bitter and just as the addict is IM SICK. im so SICK. I was doing horrible things to control my addict. (alcoholic for 8 years was in recovery, surprised me with last week with a full feldge opiate addiciton)
My daughter told me 3 nights ago she didnt hate dad. I lost it. I full fledge lost it. i dont want any parenting cues i knowi was wrong but im human. i screamed at her dont ask me for anything, i kept this family together while your father was out taking handful of pills, etc etc etc.
this is sick behavior and now i know that reovery is my path, my ways to beocme a healthy person. i cant punish him, make him the devil or go on these amazing quests for truth. its exhausting and its surrounding myself with negativity. i get the sober recovery and al-anon thing finally!!!!although im sureit will be years to implement but i get it. i can only change ME and control ME.
Today: i will have obsessive thoughts about my addict husband if hes using, if hes partying etc. but I will NOT act on these thoguhts. i have not checked his phone records since monday or looked at his bank acct. i figure once i stop the obsessive actions maybe the thoughts will get less.
i mean really if he is calling his dealer what should i show up there pregnant 3 kids in tow and he will magically see our pain.

Anyway for now--one day at a time
Today- i will stay busy. i wll take my kids to the beach and i will not act out on my thoughts

Al-anon was great

thanks for reading

Kindeyes

Glad you found some relief and that Al-Anon is helping. It is interesting how our thinking can become very twisted when we're faced with the addiction of a loved one.

Keep taking care of you!

gentle hugs
ke

Hammer

Sounds like you are doing great. Do not worry too much about how sick you are or are not. You are on the path to getting better, and can make it all the way. Just taking care of you can make things 50% better for your kids and family. Best part is OUR side --Alanon -- feels good -- or at least better -- all the way ahead.

So Go, Girl, Go.

And . . . do not forget to apologize to your daughter.

(Step 10: . . . . when we were wrong promptly admitted it.)

Honest apologies are so rare in this realm they tend to go a LONG way -- towards helping you and others.

But maybe since you are now doing the Good and not just avoiding the Bad . . . maybe look into Alateen for your daughter/kids, too. It is typically operated for kids as young as 9 and up to 19. Our daughter (now 11) is in and LOVES it, and has helped her a LOT in dealing with Addict Mom (Mrs. Hammer) and Codie Dad (me).

Best to you, and enjoy the beach!