ReliableFriend

So I have been in a serious relationship for about 5 years. Nothing has been wrong, their has been use of substances through out this relationship but nothing on going. It was always a occasional thing, but never went past it. For the past week or so, my boyfriend has been taking this very strong pain killer. I don't remember the name, but this pain killer is so strong, it will keep you out of it for days. It's like you are extremely drunk, well that is how my boyfriend acts. He falls on everyone, he can't function properly at all, he gets extremely slow, and it's very disturbing to see him be this way. Our relationship has been amazing, he's been extremely loving to me, he's always held onto me, always tried understanding me, and was very caring. Since he's been taking these pills he's been the complete opposite. He doesn't care for me at all. He hasn't been trying to get intimate with me either, something he was always up for, even when I wasn't. Even when I cry in front of him, begging him to love me, he just mimics me and says I'm being over emotional, and making a big deal out of it and completely brushes me off. He doesn't care at all anymore, and this isn't who he is. I feel like I've lost the person who I love so much, all because of these pills which he found in the medicine cupboard (their his dads prescription). I've tried my hardest, but I feel things won't get better. I'm having such a hard time coping, because this came out of nowhere. I already dealt with the pain of an alcoholic father, who I felt betrayed by every time he picked up the bottle. I can't take another time, with my lover taking down pills over being a healthy functioning person with me. I need hope, I need help to cope. Please give me some tips, some wisdom that will pick me up in this heartbreaking time. I feel I've lost to substances a second time in my life, and the pain is so much. When will I ever be enough. I thought my love, and care would pay off but it didn't. I've struggled with being a codependent through my childhood, and now I'm put at the same position again, but I know this time I can't do it again. I can't keep feeling let down, and hurt. So I know in the end I'll have to let go, but for that I need some help. I need a extra push, please help me, and give me knowledge and wisdom. Tips to make me feel better, and not so down on myself.

BoxinRotz

I'm so sorry but you know it has nothing to do with you or how much you could love someone. Your love alone will not save a person from their self destructive behaviors.

What you need to do is simple. Take care of you. I know it doesn't sound like the answer you want but if you can take care of yourself, you'll be alright. A strong healthy person loves themselves. We would not hurt ourselves. AND, if you try real hard, you could hug yourself by wrapping your arms around yourself. (I know it looks silly but it's true!!!)

I'm sorry. There are so many people here to help give you guidance. You just have to understand that you won't fix him girl. He has to want to do that himself. You can only work on you.

Kindeyes

It's hard to find ourselves when we're immersed in the chaos and sadness of addiction every day. Have you tried counseling and/or meetings such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or CoDA? Those may help you cope with the current situation as well as your experience with an alcoholic parent.

gentle hugs
ke

anond

ReliableFriend, what keeps us "stuck" in a relationship is the memory of who the A once was. The person he is NOW is what you see.

Remember that you do have choices: you can stay and adapt to the chaos OR run for the hills.

It took 35 years of chaotic living with an active A (cocaine, alcohol and opiates) and his overdosing for me to decide that I had had enough. It wasn't an easy choice. Financially, I am in ruins. Life is never easy, but at least now it is peaceful.

Shownthelight

Not sure how much tips I can give but I have changed the way I think and I feel better. It wasn't a lack of love that caused the addict to use or YOU. There is no real reasons why and the quest for why's and truths and blame is just so f$&@ing exhausting.
I have allowed myself to say I'm pretty I'm a good person I have a lot to offer. I can not save my addict. I didn't cause it and I sure as hell can't cure it.
I'm detaching with love
I deserve a happy ending alone or if he recovers that's yet to be determined.

But I can tell you if someone offered me 10$ for my house would I sell it?
Then why would I settle as this amazing woman to continue a relationship that is killing me.

My advice:
Walk run read take classes call an old friend go to al Anon
Your amazing use all your energy and reinvest it

I'm new at this I'm sad I'm angry I'm pissed.
But I smile and force myself to do healthy things
Fake it til you make it
Good luck!

February13

"Perhaps the most severe damage to those who have shared some part of the life of an alcoholic comes in the form of the nagging belief that we are somehow at fault; that we were not up to it all, not attractive enough, not clever enough to have solved this problem
for the one we love.We think it was something we did or did not do. These are our feelings of guilt." From Understanding ourselves and alcoholism Alanon pamphlet.

Alcoholism/Addiction is a disease. Your father was sick. Your boyfriend might be too.I am not sure how involved he is with the pills?

You ask "When will I ever be enough?" Unless your boyfriend quits using it might take you being in a new relationship to be enough. A relationship with someone who is not affected by alcoholism or someone who is in recovery.

I love Alanon and would recommend trying a meeting.

Most of my relationships have been with dry drunks/abstinent addicts, I recognize today
that because I felt broken from growing up in a dysfunctional family I was attracted to
these dysfunctional men who I felt very comfortable with. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself to even be open to a healthy relationship. There is hope in caring for yourself and healing yourself.