Why didn't he tell me
 

Looking back the signs were there. I felt I was in a loveless marriage. There was no joy no passion. There was no sex. I'm 33 I need love and affection. I cried I begged him what's wrong?
So I started to blame myself I got really low self esteem. I felt ugly old overweight boring. I cried myself to sleep. When ALL along it was HIM. He was destroying the marriage. He let me believe I was broken discarded and unworthy of love or affection.
I'm angry I'm so angry I'm so hurt I feel so used. Why didn't he tell me I'm addicted to drugs it's not you

I feel like there's bitterness cold as ice running through my veins. I have a career and children.
I need to smile again? When how

What he said is a reflection of his sick mind and not true.

You ARE worthy of love and respect.

When YOU begin to believe that, your life will change and you will smile again. I promise.

Hugs

In my case, I kept telling myself that I would quit tomorrow - always tomorrow - and then get might life together to show my wife the love she deserved and I felt. I repeatedly failed and felt depressed, and useless, and the alcohol kept me distant and numb. I was really too embarrassed to admit it it and ask for help.

The sad part is how quickly a bunch of tomorrows turn into years.

I wish my wife had been more assertive and demanding about the love and life she wanted and deserved; but it was likely my own actions that eventually undermined that possibility.

I felt (and still feel) the exact same way. Lonely, not loved, not appreciated, neglected, abandoned. I felt like there was something wrong with ME. Even now, after living apart for 2 months and finally being able to agree to work on our marriage, he tells me that he loves me all the time but when I tell him how much I miss him and the affection, he changes the subject or ignores it EVERY TIME.

My husband tells me he loves me. But in my short few days of realizing I was married to an addict I have learned certain truths
*addicts lie
*addicts manipulate
* he's a selfish f&@$

I should have trusted my gut it told me something is quite wrong. But it was easier for me to believe I'm tired I work too much, there's always a child around,etc.
I'm so mad st myself for being so blind to his addiction and mad at him for destroying us.

I'm mourning I'm grieving. The future I thought I had

Go ahead and mourn.....go ahead and grieve.....

Find a quiet place and scream if you have to....or even if you don't....do it anyway.
Release that pent up excess negative energy.

Limit this to a set amount of time per day (mine was 15-20 minutes)

when your time limit is up....and thoughts and feelings start to creep in...you say "nope, my time for that today has past...must wait until tomorrow"
I call this the Scarlett O'hara approach....(LOL)

THEN......
Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with helping
yourself.

You may not be getting from him what you need...but that DOES NOT mean you get to fall down on helping yourself.

Sometimes I feel like I threw him out to punish him. And he will have this epiphany and beg and plead for his family back. I want so badly to be done forever. Anyway I'm hoping to experience some insight at my first al anon meeting on Friday.
I keep telling myself small steps you get handed a sh$t sandwich it may take awhile to finish it. I don't have to decide the rest of my life today.
He's unhealthy. I'm codependent. I need to focus on healing myself, just give me strength!

You presume that someone in active addiction can actually be reasonable. That's not how it works. Addiction is all encompassing, and any sense of reason or responsibility vanishes.

If you want to smile again, simply decide that one day you will smile again and be happy. Are you ready to do that?

ZoSo

That’s part of feeding into our codieness….the begging, the pleading the announcing of dire love and change for us/the children the family….we love to hear those words, we tend to put all our faith into those words……and usually that’s about where it ends….in words….no actions on their part.

Glad you are going to al-anon, try not to have great expectations in the beginning, this is a journey for your recovery not a race. See if they have a book for sale (usually very cheap) called “ Courage to Change”. You’ll benefit a lot from this book.

Addiction truly is a selfish disease. They lie, manipulate and guilt their way through their addiction. I still have lots of anger, resentment and guilt in my heart because of my husbands actions. But I can tell you that each day gets a smidge better. For me I'm working on acceptance. Not acceptance of the things he has done, just accepting that it's done I can't change it and I need to move forward. I find a lot of peace at al anon. I've met people there who have been through the ringer and still find peace and happiness in their lives. That gives me hope that I too can one day be happy.
We deserve to be happy! We deserve peace!

It is in the design, the addiction can not thrive without secrecy and will be protected at all cost … within every lie told and crazy story spun.

Yet his lies will never be as important as the ones you tell yourself.


Oh and when ... how ...

Well it all ends exactly when you allow it to. He didn't stop you from being happy, you did. He doesn't have control to do that, only you do. He didn't cause the view you have of yourself, you did, it is how you took the lack of attention...how you assigned it all.

I am sure this is very hard to understand but no one control's our feelings but us, and how we view ourselves might be an indication of where we need to find our own why's, not theirs.

I acknowledge my problem is I want to be cured right now. All my problems fixed.

And I want answers and there are none
I want a reason and there is none
I want a true apology but it's empty words

Thanks sincerely for the feedback. I'm at my rock bottom. I need help. I will embrace all advice even if it's harsh

I'd rather be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie

Yes....I did too my friend....I did too.....

But it is a journey made up of small steps...

Stay here with us whilst you are working on all of the other in the real world.

We tend to love each other up....

..............until we can love ourselves again.

It took me a long time to get past I was actually my problem and he wasn’t.
I mean in some rational sense, him using heroin ( hello that ain’t normal) made it easy to assign him as the sick one … but he wasn’t the only sick one here, that is for sure.

It takes time, more then needed at times because we all seem to have this need to overcomplicate it all. Maybe that is just some part of being human. And surely denial plays a part as well.

I really wish that it could be done and over for all of us, but it isn’t. The reality is that this will be a struggle for both of you, in your own way, on your own side of it all. The faster you can work just your side and to a degree you would like him to work on himself, then it will slowly become better. There is lots of learning, different stages and yet all the learning just prompts some more.

There are no promises for anyone but you here. The time you give to fix yourself, is where you need to stay focused, because you can’t fix him.

But getting healthy does have it’s own perks. Tends to be a gift to them, even if they aren’t capable of seeing it.

i guarantee that if he HAD said, it's not you, it's me, i'm addicted...you would STILL feel like you lost the competition. you would wonder why oh why did he choose drugs over me, why am i not enough to quit for.

remember that line from a Few Good Men - You can't handle the truth!

same applies in addiction and codependency....unless we hear exactly what we WANT to hear, we hear nothing.

Anvil !! Love it so true !!! I'm the same way !! My sponsor told me there is no freedom in
Why ??? That no matter what he says or does it won't change a thing even if he said I love dope and can't stop !!! It still wouldn't change how I feel about it all