CFDMama

Hi there,

I'm brand new. I signed up here months ago when my boyfriend was having trouble staying clean, but I never got around to posting. But now, I need some serious support.

First, some background: My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. When we met, he was living in a Grace House (I don't recall if that's a general name or a specific name. I think it's general). Anyway, before we met he had been clean and sober for 5 years. After 6 months we moved in together. At the time he was working at a shelter near his previous home. The commute was long and things were turning bad at work (employees stealing, managers being unethical, etc.) and he just gave up and quit. I should've seen this as a sign. It took a really long time for him to get another job. He didn't have his own vehicle and was using mine all the time, which is a lease - putting miles and miles on it that I can not afford to pay off now.

Time passed and after a few temp jobs he landed in construction with a friend of mine's husband. It promised to give him all kinds of hours, but didn't really pan out.

Now, late in 2011 we discovered that I was expecting my first child. He really started getting into the work thing, but there just wasn't enough to go around. He started stressing more and more and started using. He was taking my debit card without me knowing (until bills came due) charged up my credit cards, drove my car all over the earth while I was working all day. Eventually he got his act back together and did really good for a long time. We welcomed our new son in the summer of 2012 and moved into a new, bigger apartment.

He finally started a new job with real full-time hours and great benefits. He was really enjoying the job and things were going great!

Last Wednesday he was fired from his job. After having an argument with a boss, they then tracked his GPS and found out that he was using the company vehicle to drive all over the place and they're holding his last check as it could be considered stealing from the company and have threatened to possibly bring up charges.

The week before this he told me he was using again. He took a few days of rest to "get it out of his system" and I thought things were getting good again - and then this happened. Now he's full blown. We've been at each other for days and I told him yesterday that it was time for him to go. He told me that he was looking into a long-term program to get back on his feet. Last night he came home and was just so cold to me - a shell of the man that I love. The negativity in the house has become so palpable that I fear that my son can feel it. It's impossible to be there with him. Today he was meeting with an old friend at a recovery facility. He's exploring his options. I'm not sure if he gets that I really need him to move out of the house immediately and I fear that he's going to do less than the 6 month stay at this particular place.

Now, if he's able to pull this off in 6 months and get healthy and get a job and a vehicle of his own, I'd be willing to re-explore our life together, but as of right now I have put my own life aside for so long. I'm left in debt with an apartment that I cannot afford on my own and our almost 1-year old baby boy.

I want to be supportive, but I always end up being more of a crutch than anything. I've given him more than he needed to succeed in life and he's taken advantage of that since we moved in together.

I apologize for rambling. These wounds are brand new and I'm not even sure if I'm looking for advice or comfort or what. I just want him to find himself again and I also need to find myself and I need to take care of our son and make sure he's never affected by this.

Thanks for reading.

Ann

Glad you finally came out of the shadows, CFDMama, I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now.

I hope he follows through and finds recovery that he can stick with and hang on to.

But you don't have to plan your life around his, I am glad you are thinking of finding some space for yourself and your son.

I hope you find a safe place where your son will not be exposed to living with an active addict, it's no place for a child, quite dangerous actually.

I hope you find some support and comfort here, we understand and we're all walking with you.

Hugs

CFDMama

Thank you for the reply, Ann. It's been a really horrible few days. We keep having the discussion that he needs to leave but it still really hasn't happened yet. Today he spoke to his parents and told them everything that has been going on and they're so angry with him. I'm angry but I'm also so sad and I can't be mean all the time. He is supposed to hear today whether he's been accepted to the program that the Salvation Army runs. I've thrown out the reality of some things - like the fact that I will give up our apartment after he is gone and move in with family. This will make it impossible for us to move right back in together afterwards, and I think that's a good thing in a lot of ways. I just want him out of the house so that we can both start the healing process. I know our son is feeling the affects of the tension. He's a very happy baby, but he's been acting out a little bit and looking for extra attention. I'm just so happy he's young enough to not have to remember any of this.

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR but I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

You sound like a strong, loving mother who cares enough to put her child first. I hope you find the wisdom and support here to help you along on your path of healing.

You are all in my prayers.

CFDMama

Thank you. It brings me to tears just knowing there are others out there who can actually care for a complete stranger.

CFDMama

So, steps have been taken. My boyfriend has had meetings with everyone he needed to meet with at the Salvation Army and they've agreed to take him in, but they are suggesting detox first, which I think is best. In the meantime, he's still at home with me. Luckily our son goes to daycare and I'm out at work, so we're not in each other's faces all day. I'm just really hoping that this gets taken care of before the weekend. He's been home calling detoxes today and is waiting to hear back. I've only contacted him once today and he said he would let me know if anything got put in motion. I'm just praying that this will happen fast so that he can start healing - and so that I can too. I'm so afraid of what it's going to be like in our apartment with just me and the baby. In a month or so, I'm going to have to move out and go live with family - and I have no idea what that's going to be like. It's been such a long time since I've lived with anyone else. I'm so scared. Everything is changing and I'm trying not to think of it all at once. But why is it taking so long for these detoxes to call him back? Why isn't the Salvation Army trying to help get him into one? I have to say - I think he thought he would already be somewhere by now today, and so last night, the baby and I went home and my boyfriend was trying so hard to just enjoy what he thought would be his last night with us for a while. He took our son out for a walk in his little car - and when they got back, I saw them out on the porch. My boyfriend was kneeling down in front of the car talking to our son - who is just under a year old. I can only imagine what they were talking about - but it made me so hopeful and warm in my heart.

I had a dream last night about 3 tornadoes. There were many out in the distance and I was looking out my son's bedroom window. The first one was small and weak, and it missed our home and kind of fizzled out. The second was more powerful and we could feel the wind (my son and I), but it didn't cause any damage. I could see the third and most powerful coming and tried to get my son into our bathroom, which is in the center of our apartment and has no windows. As we were moving in there, the roof was coming off and I kept reaching for him and he was crawling and blowing away and then suddenly, there was my boyfriend. He reached for our son and tucked him under him and then grabbed me and pulled me in next to him and we sheltered our son until he was safe. It was terrifying and hopeful at the same time.