New here, my story
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
New here, my story
Hello,
I am new to the forum, I have been reading a lot of other family and friends posts. Its nice to know I am not alone.
My BF is a recovering addict. I have recently found out about him using. I have never been involved in drugs. The last few months I have had the wool pulled over my eyes about it all. Last weekend was the spiril down, I found out his "new friend" is an addict and a supplier, all my rent money was stolen from me for drugs and everything I have been told was a lie about this. He had addiction problems before I met him, and he had been sober for almost 2 years, we have been together for about a year and a half. I found oxycottin in our home, I packed up all my things and left, he was left with nothing as I own almost everything. The landlords evicted him as well. As of now he has hit rock bottom and has no where to go.
I know he loves me, I know the person he is sober and I love him. I can not believe how hard this is. He has admitted he has a problem and is getting professional help. I wrote a very impacting intervention letter stating if he does not get himself help I will not enable him any more, speak to him, be his friend or even girlfriend.
He has asked me if he can prove to me and my family (who adores him!) that he will and can get over this by himself. After this all happened the truth all came out and he told me everything that has been going on.
I am scared that this may just be a life long battle for him, will I ever be able to trust him again? Am I a idiot for waiting for him to change? I am just amazed to see this happen. He has been sober for a week so far, NA meetings and AADAC really seems to help him, he has deleted all contact information with anyone to do with substances and tells me he just wants his normal life back.
I just feel completely lost in all of this, I know this is NOT my problem and he needs to do this on his own and I refuse to be back with him until he proves to himself who he wants to be.
I have been going to AADAC family and support meetings, but I find it hard as I am not one to speak openly in a group without breaking down completely.
Thanks to all who read this!
I am new to the forum, I have been reading a lot of other family and friends posts. Its nice to know I am not alone.
My BF is a recovering addict. I have recently found out about him using. I have never been involved in drugs. The last few months I have had the wool pulled over my eyes about it all. Last weekend was the spiril down, I found out his "new friend" is an addict and a supplier, all my rent money was stolen from me for drugs and everything I have been told was a lie about this. He had addiction problems before I met him, and he had been sober for almost 2 years, we have been together for about a year and a half. I found oxycottin in our home, I packed up all my things and left, he was left with nothing as I own almost everything. The landlords evicted him as well. As of now he has hit rock bottom and has no where to go.
I know he loves me, I know the person he is sober and I love him. I can not believe how hard this is. He has admitted he has a problem and is getting professional help. I wrote a very impacting intervention letter stating if he does not get himself help I will not enable him any more, speak to him, be his friend or even girlfriend.
He has asked me if he can prove to me and my family (who adores him!) that he will and can get over this by himself. After this all happened the truth all came out and he told me everything that has been going on.
I am scared that this may just be a life long battle for him, will I ever be able to trust him again? Am I a idiot for waiting for him to change? I am just amazed to see this happen. He has been sober for a week so far, NA meetings and AADAC really seems to help him, he has deleted all contact information with anyone to do with substances and tells me he just wants his normal life back.
I just feel completely lost in all of this, I know this is NOT my problem and he needs to do this on his own and I refuse to be back with him until he proves to himself who he wants to be.
I have been going to AADAC family and support meetings, but I find it hard as I am not one to speak openly in a group without breaking down completely.
Thanks to all who read this!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband had an addiction that started with prescription pain meds, and then progressed to Xanax (benzo) and cocaine. He went through a 3 month inpatient program, and still works with a therapist, but he is 15 months clean.
My husband didn't use NA, he worked it more from an addiction medicine perspective. So for us his addiction is considered to be much like many other chronic illness. He will always be susceptible to relapse, but this does not mean that he cannot go into permanent remission by creating a healthy life where drugs do not fit into the picture, by learning new ways to cope, to deal with stress, to handle his triggers, and cravings. He has learned techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy to help him. Having said all that, many people fall into chronic relapse, and it does become a long term battle. There are really no guarantees, especially at the beginning.
I have learned to trust my husband again. It takes time, and it has to be earned back, very similar to the way it is originally built up when you first meet.
Whatever choices you make... you are not an idiot. Many people might say run, because you can find someone else with no addiction issues. My husband had no addiction issues when we met, married. It happened years later due to that injury and subsequent events. We have a little boy, and so for me I have chose to stay in the relationship, not because of need but because I love the life we have together despite the addiction concerns.
I am scared that this may just be a life long battle for him, will I ever be able to trust him again? Am I a idiot for waiting for him to change?
I have learned to trust my husband again. It takes time, and it has to be earned back, very similar to the way it is originally built up when you first meet.
Whatever choices you make... you are not an idiot. Many people might say run, because you can find someone else with no addiction issues. My husband had no addiction issues when we met, married. It happened years later due to that injury and subsequent events. We have a little boy, and so for me I have chose to stay in the relationship, not because of need but because I love the life we have together despite the addiction concerns.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
I would just like to add when I had started noticing this... I was prescribed with Naproxin a few months ago, as in 2008 I fractured my hips in a horse competition. I confronted him about it and it just turned into a argument. I then had tylonel 3's after having 2 rootcanal surgerys in one day, I kept the bottle in my purse and noticed after one day 10 were missing, confronted him and another argument, I then proceeded to notice that he was buying Tylenol 1's over the counter from different places every week. Now to oxycotins crushed on my bathroom counter and oxy pills in his wallet.
I know he had been taking something, I would come home to a happy, jittery, then nodding out BF, the house would be so clean. When I ask if he had taken anything it would turn into a argument.
I know he had been taking something, I would come home to a happy, jittery, then nodding out BF, the house would be so clean. When I ask if he had taken anything it would turn into a argument.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by allforcnm 
My husband had an addiction that started with prescription pain meds, and then progressed to Xanax (benzo) and cocaine. He went through a 3 month inpatient program, and still works with a therapist, but he is 15 months clean.
My husband didn't use NA, he worked it more from an addiction medicine perspective. So for us his addiction is considered to be much like many other chronic illness. He will always be susceptible to relapse, but this does not mean that he cannot go into permanent remission by creating a healthy life where drugs do not fit into the picture, by learning new ways to cope, to deal with stress, to handle his triggers, and cravings. He has learned techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy to help him. Having said all that, many people fall into chronic relapse, and it does become a long term battle. There are really no guarantees, especially at the beginning.
I have learned to trust my husband again. It takes time, and it has to be earned back, very similar to the way it is originally built up when you first meet.
Whatever choices you make... you are not an idiot. Many people might say run, because you can find someone else with no addiction issues. My husband had no addiction issues when we met, married. It happened years later due to that injury and subsequent events. We have a little boy, and so for me I have chose to stay in the relationship, not because of need but because I love the life we have together despite the addiction concerns.
My husband didn't use NA, he worked it more from an addiction medicine perspective. So for us his addiction is considered to be much like many other chronic illness. He will always be susceptible to relapse, but this does not mean that he cannot go into permanent remission by creating a healthy life where drugs do not fit into the picture, by learning new ways to cope, to deal with stress, to handle his triggers, and cravings. He has learned techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy to help him. Having said all that, many people fall into chronic relapse, and it does become a long term battle. There are really no guarantees, especially at the beginning.
I have learned to trust my husband again. It takes time, and it has to be earned back, very similar to the way it is originally built up when you first meet.
Whatever choices you make... you are not an idiot. Many people might say run, because you can find someone else with no addiction issues. My husband had no addiction issues when we met, married. It happened years later due to that injury and subsequent events. We have a little boy, and so for me I have chose to stay in the relationship, not because of need but because I love the life we have together despite the addiction concerns.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Fulford15
I would just like to add when I had started noticing this... I was prescribed with Naproxin a few months ago, as in 2008 I fractured my hips in a horse competition. I confronted him about it and it just turned into a argument. I then had tylonel 3's after having 2 rootcanal surgerys in one day, I kept the bottle in my purse and noticed after one day 10 were missing, confronted him and another argument, I then proceeded to notice that he was buying Tylenol 1's over the counter from different places every week. Now to oxycotins crushed on my bathroom counter and oxy pills in his wallet.
I know he had been taking something, I would come home to a happy, jittery, then nodding out BF, the house would be so clean. When I ask if he had taken anything it would turn into a argument.
I know he had been taking something, I would come home to a happy, jittery, then nodding out BF, the house would be so clean. When I ask if he had taken anything it would turn into a argument.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by allforcnm
At the top of this forum there are some stickies from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. There is one on addiction being a complex disease. At the very bottom of that thread, there are some you tube clips that are from a movie called Pleasure Unwoven. These might be helpful for you to understand the behaviors ... the drug seeking, lying to protect the addiction, which leads to denial and arguments. It is pretty close to the way my husbands doctors described it to me.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Welcome to SR, but I'm sorry for what has brought you here. You are absolutely NOT an idiot for wanting him to be who he really is without drugs. However, that is up to him. It's been said before that you cannot love someone into sobriety.
You seem to have set up some boundaries and that's a good thing. It's also a good thing that he is taking some action to help him stay sober (deleting old contacts, going to meetings, etc). They way you learn to trust him is by having him EARN your trust with his actions, not just his words. It won't be easy, but if he is serious about staying sober, it can be done.
I also agree with the previous poster about reading the stickies on this thread, they have a lot of helpful information. When we love an addict, we also have to learn some coping and strategy skills to help us get through the situation. If we're not careful, their addiction will consume our lives too.
Nobody can tell you whether to stay or go, that's up to you. Just know that whatever you decide, you are not alone, we're all here for you. Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
You seem to have set up some boundaries and that's a good thing. It's also a good thing that he is taking some action to help him stay sober (deleting old contacts, going to meetings, etc). They way you learn to trust him is by having him EARN your trust with his actions, not just his words. It won't be easy, but if he is serious about staying sober, it can be done.
I also agree with the previous poster about reading the stickies on this thread, they have a lot of helpful information. When we love an addict, we also have to learn some coping and strategy skills to help us get through the situation. If we're not careful, their addiction will consume our lives too.
Nobody can tell you whether to stay or go, that's up to you. Just know that whatever you decide, you are not alone, we're all here for you. Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
Thank you Sara21, I have read a lot, it has really helped me.
He has been sober for 12 days, withdrawals are still bad but not as bad as the first few days, he has been going by "one day at a time" which is something they say at the NA meetings over and over. It seems to be helping.
He has been sober for 12 days, withdrawals are still bad but not as bad as the first few days, he has been going by "one day at a time" which is something they say at the NA meetings over and over. It seems to be helping.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Any person with no experience of addicts, nor any experience of the cunning and powerful disease of addiction, who is considering a committed relationship with someone who has a history of opiate addiction and is only twelve days sober after lying and stealing to support his active habit....is in grave danger.
I have to express my concern, Fulford, that you will hear only what you want to hear and will not realize the danger to your life, your health, your family relationships, your friendships, your goals, your hopes perhaps of one day having children, your emotional and psychological stability if you make a decision to support and to commit to this relationship today.
The odds that your boyfriend will be in active addiction throughout his life are far greater than the chances that he will be that rare opiate addict who cleans up, becomes psychologically and emotionally healthy, and becomes capable of meeting another person in an equal, honest and mature relationship.
You do not want to give up on him, and you want to support him in his recovery, as nearly all partners of addicts say before they have suffered and been devastated physically and psychologically by a life with someone who manipulates, lies to, and exploits them as tools to support a drug habit.
Denial is the key symptom of codependency, and new, and especially, young, partners of alcoholics and drug addicts are drowning in it.
And they all hope to be that 5-10% of the "success" stories of solid and healthy committed partners who managed to create a satisfying and meaningful life despite one of the individuals being an addict.
Your life is on the line here, and you need to accept that and seek serious help for yourself should you continue a relationship with a drug addict. He is in a most dangerous time, the first three years of sobriety are very volatile, and you are at risk of completely losing your center in the vortex of chaos that could, and most likely will be, his life in the coming many months.
I doubt very much my words will be welcomed, but I cannot ethically refrain from being as frank as I can be about the danger you are in today.
So if you decide to become further involved with this person at this time--rather than pulling back while he achieves three years of uninterrupted sobriety and counseling-- my strong suggestion is that you find a counselor who pulls no punches and a support group of recovering codependents. Whoever you are today is in danger of completely disappearing.
I have to express my concern, Fulford, that you will hear only what you want to hear and will not realize the danger to your life, your health, your family relationships, your friendships, your goals, your hopes perhaps of one day having children, your emotional and psychological stability if you make a decision to support and to commit to this relationship today.
The odds that your boyfriend will be in active addiction throughout his life are far greater than the chances that he will be that rare opiate addict who cleans up, becomes psychologically and emotionally healthy, and becomes capable of meeting another person in an equal, honest and mature relationship.
You do not want to give up on him, and you want to support him in his recovery, as nearly all partners of addicts say before they have suffered and been devastated physically and psychologically by a life with someone who manipulates, lies to, and exploits them as tools to support a drug habit.
Denial is the key symptom of codependency, and new, and especially, young, partners of alcoholics and drug addicts are drowning in it.
And they all hope to be that 5-10% of the "success" stories of solid and healthy committed partners who managed to create a satisfying and meaningful life despite one of the individuals being an addict.
Your life is on the line here, and you need to accept that and seek serious help for yourself should you continue a relationship with a drug addict. He is in a most dangerous time, the first three years of sobriety are very volatile, and you are at risk of completely losing your center in the vortex of chaos that could, and most likely will be, his life in the coming many months.
I doubt very much my words will be welcomed, but I cannot ethically refrain from being as frank as I can be about the danger you are in today.
So if you decide to become further involved with this person at this time--rather than pulling back while he achieves three years of uninterrupted sobriety and counseling-- my strong suggestion is that you find a counselor who pulls no punches and a support group of recovering codependents. Whoever you are today is in danger of completely disappearing.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
So if you decide to become further involved with this person at this time--rather than pulling back while he achieves three years of uninterrupted sobriety and counseling-- my strong suggestion is that you find a counselor who pulls no punches and a support group of recovering codependents. Whoever you are today is in danger of completely disappearing.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
I completely agree with English Garden. Who I am now, after the 4 1/2 years of chaos, lies and manipulations by my ex-addict bf is a mere shell of a human, compared to the happy, joyous and free person I once was because "I thought my love could save him". I didn't listen when so many people tried to talk some sense into me, but I chose to stick with him and it ruined me, not just financially but, more importantly, emotionally and mentally. If you plan on staying with your addict, I would suggest getting into alanon or naranon. Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by terryr97
I completely agree with English Garden. Who I am now, after the 4 1/2 years of chaos, lies and manipulations by my ex-addict bf is a mere shell of a human, compared to the happy, joyous and free person I once was because "I thought my love could save him". I didn't listen when so many people tried to talk some sense into me, but I chose to stick with him and it ruined me, not just financially but, more importantly, emotionally and mentally. If you plan on staying with your addict, I would suggest getting into alanon or naranon. Good luck.
This could have been written in my own handwriting. Only 3 years here, but still feel like a Holocaust survivor. I can forgive my EXAGF for the cheating, the lies, the manipulation, the using me, almost everything. The only thing I will NEVER forgive her for, or ever get back, is stealing my innocence. I am truly a different person now.
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