jzeb2008

I visited with my husband and his mother for the first time in 2 months yesterday. It went "okay". We talked some about our marriage and (of course) everything was still my fault. No apologies. No remorse. He doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem. He's got it together now that we aren't living together. Sad as it is, the nicest that he's been in some time. We talked about me coming back for a short time after dropping my oldest son off at home. He gave me a little money. After I left, he called to let me know that he was going to get a six pack for his mom.Come to find out, it was for him. I told him that I wouldn't be coming back if either of them were drinking. He said, "Then, don't."I was pretty angry because despite all the blame, we did work a few things out about us continuing our marriage, but that he would continue to drink despite it. I told him that I wouldn't be around it. So, this morning, HE is mad at ME for "telling him what to do again ".Wanting to end the marriage. Not gonna be controlled. I HURT HIM! I'M. a nag, battleaxe, crazy, ect.I messed up by being immature and filing for separation. He's gonna keep drinking. He hangs up. Then, he calls back about a 1/2 hour later to apologize. HE HASN'T DONE THAT IN ABOUT 6 MONTHS! Tells me that he loves me. That we should continue to live apart but work on things. That he will "try" to get sober. He listens to me explain how his using has affected me. Apologizes again and again. Says he'll call.me later. HE DID! TWICE! Texts me to tell me goodnight and I love you. HUH?!?What changed all of a sudden?

pacificsunrise

jzeb2008 - good job on keeping your head up and upholding your boundaries. your post reminded me of so many phone conversations w/ my AH. I do not know about your husband, but in my case it always meant the same thing ............ he was cranky, then he got high and was in his good place and felt bad about saying all the mean things, and he loves me, and i'm right about everything, and will do anything to save our marriage and family. and then he would go on about his business as usual. WELCOME TO THE ROLLER COASTER EXPRESS!

sorry, not trying to be a downer. this is just my experience.

sending you gentle hugs and hope. stay strong and take care of you.

Ann

Jzeb, I am sorry you are going through this but sweetie, that is abuse and manipulation in play. He treats you nice and gets something he wants, money or agreement to something he wants, and then he abuses you verbally and emotionally to keep you weak and feeling bad....then he makes you feel good by saying the right thing and he plays you again.

It's a cycle, abuse, the abuse, the blame then the "honeymoon" part where you are treated so good you can't imagine it ever being bad again...but it is and it does.

He hasn't changed. Perhaps you haven't changed either (said with love and respect). If nothing changes, nothing changes.

But if YOU change, if you find help for yourself, surrounding yourself with support and heal emotionally from the damage of the past...things WILL change, even if he doesn't. You will find your balance and see clearly that this is manipulation. You will learn to take better care of yourself and learn that you are worthy of so much better than all this.

It's not your fault that he uses, abuses, messes up his life. It's all his fault and it's his responsibility to fix it...or live with it as it is.

But you don't have to live it too. You CAN find happiness, peace and love in your life. New beginnings will bring you new dreams. Healthy attracts healthy and sick attracts sick, so the healthier you get the better your odds of finding real happiness....regardless of how he lives his life.

If you don't already go to meetings, do yourself a huge favour and find one today, find several this week and find the one where you feel most comfortable and feel ready to begin your journey into recovery. I promise you it's the journey of a lifetime and you will never regret the effort.

Hugs

Hammer

Thankfully he has his mommy to buy a six-pack for.

Otherwise he might have to buy it for . . . you, or the dog, or the mailman.

But yeah, apologies can be a rare thing, and they seem strange when we get them.

In all that talk . . . .

Watch the actions, not so much the words.

LoveMeNow

Great post Ann!

IMO, the more they wear us down, the more we start to lower the bar for unacceptable treatment and behavior.....because we want what we want....at any cost....even to ourselves.

I remember my codependent thinking (control and fear mostly) was so unhealthy that I allowed my husband to come home, still active, and I was going to accept it, put up and shut up.

His addiction was so strong, it was even controlling me, along with my own codependency. I was no match for it so I caved. It was the perfect storm waiting to happen.

Guess how long that lasted before I completely lost it, packed his clothes in garbage bags threw him out again? Oh maybe a week or two but then I really felt like the crazy one, and I was. I still thought I could reason with him and make him change. I couldn't understand that I was fighting with his addiction and that his brain had been rewired.

SR, meetings and therapy gave me the strength I had completely lost. It gave me the insight that I had become as sick as him without even realizing it. It gave me the courage to start to fix me. I couldn't keep blaming him anymore for all our problems. I, too, had become a big part of the problem.

zoso77

Nothing's changed. He continues to drink, he continues to deny he has a problem, and he continues to blame you for his poor choices. Don't let what he says from moment to moment (the "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" sort of bullsh*t) confuse you or give you mental whiplash.

ZoSo