Visit him in jail? Can't decide
 

Our son got arrested for possession of cocaine Friday morning. In the past we have enabled him and paid the bond for him to be released, hired a lawyer and done all the stuff we weren't supposed to do. :( He has never spent more than a day or two in jail. He has been arrested for pot in the past but the cocaine seems to be a new thing.

We had told him that if he gets arrested again we won't bail him out and we didn't. He is in a domestic partnership with his girlfriend and they called her and asked if he was being bailed out. She said no.

He gets a phone call and didn't call either of us. Probably knows we are not happy with him (to put it mildly). Either that or he is sleeping it off. They have him in the infirmary as he has multiple herniated discs in his back and also cocaine in his system.

My husband does not want to visit him tomorrow. Unfortunately inmates can have visitors once a week and our day is tomorrow, Sunday. I kind of wish it was later in the week to give him a few days to stew.

I really don't want to visit him but I would like some information from him. I want to ask him if he requested a public defender because we aren't paying for a lawyer. I want to tell him to call us when he has a court date...if he can call. There is a number I can call to find out the court date though.

I'm afraid if I go I might weaken as his arrest picture on the internet looked bad. Nothing I haven't seen before but don't want to feel sorry for him and then want to go pay his bond. His girlfriend and I were planning to go together. Don't want her to weaken either although she doesn't have any money to bail him out anyway.

Just can't decide if I should go. I don't want to send the message to him that "Mommy is going to fix things because she isn't." It is soooo hard though. I wish I had more days to think about it.

I really can't think of anything 'good' to say to him and feel like it might be counterproductive to go at this point. I think his girlfriend would like me to go (well she asked me to) but I guess I could just go for support and wait for her in the waiting room.

I guess there isn't any question here just rambling.....:rolleyes:

Thoughts?

Kari

There's always next Sunday and more Sunday's after that. I would send my love with his girlfriend.

I only visited my AB twice in jail and then had to stop. My boundaries always seemed clear at home, but face to face I really struggled. I personally am just too early in my own recovery for that pressure so far.

If he hasn't even contacted you, I wouldn't.

I have been in this position many times with my oldest AS, I don't know where you live but in my state they have to have a hearing within 72 hours, and they can request an attorney at that time... I like the idea of sending your love with his girlfriend.

In my case I always felt better when my son was locked up because I knew that at least for that night he was safe and I knew on the streets he wasn't.

I wish you strength and wisdom in whatever you decide.

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. If you previously told him you wouldn't go then there is your answer. We put these boundaries in place for a reason. He hasn't called you, he hasn't asked for an attorney. Trust me....when he doesn't have one by his next court date one will be assigned. I always look at the time my son is in jail as "a respite". He's not on the streets...they'll get him medical help if he needs it...and hopefully if he's left alone long enough he'll start to consider changing things for himself. Let him walk this one alone. I always remind myself that my son's higher power can't step in to help if I'm blocking the doorway. Don't know where I originally heard that....but it snaps me back to reality in a hurry. If nothing changes....nothing changes. Be the change. You can do this.

Hi KariSue, I have been there done that too many times! The last time my son was arrested was the first time it wasnt due to stealing from me and that time I was so angry at him for blowing his chance at rehab! He really did a doozy and was so screwed up on a meth induced mania that he stole a loaf of bread after falling in a sewer culvert and was arrested for under the influence. I found out two days before he finally called me and we spoke twice on the phone before I decided to visit him. I don't know how old your son is, but trust me, they get tons of free legal advice from all of the other inmates in there LOL! I suspect when he is arraigned is when they assign the public defender, that is how its done here at least in california. Jail is the BEST thing that ever happened to JJ in that he got time to really stew about his situation and he is now on day 17 at a residential rehab at a ranch in the SD country. Its hard, but as many others will tell you, jail is much preferred to the streets or other dangerous situations. They will take care of him if he is in medical care.
You can always go the week after and if he gets arraigned, who knows, they may release him anyways.
Hugs,
TT

go with your gut

How productive would it be for you if you visited him? How would it help you?

I remind myself I'm recovering also, not just AA but Alanon, and it's not all about my son actively using, but my own powerlessness, faults, acceptance.

We can become sick.

Even though my son isn't incarcerated I have decided not to call or text him anymore. I do have him on FaceBook. I like a photo or post of his now and then. But really I'm no longer interested.

I accept other people enable him, and I stay a great distance from that!

If you don't stop rushing in now, then you'll just have to stop it the next time, or the 30th time from now...and there WILL be a next time, unless he's decided to go straight to rehab when he gets out.

It's a do it now or later thing - and most of us have to take a looooong time learning that they are adults and responsible for their own actions, now, most especially their legal troubles.

I started doing so much for my daughter (call attorney, bailing out, listing probation dates, paying fines, keeping track of this or that in case she forgot)...of course she forgot, she didn't have to remember, she had ME.

I felt like the one being punished, and I WAS!!! My money and time and energy were being spent and all she had to do was NOTHING.

Slow. Learner.

Wow, thank you all soooo much!

Some great points. I think I'll show this thread to his girlfriend too.

I do feel he is at least safe there. I just hope they keep him there at least a week. We could use the break.

Just in the last 2 months or so he said he was done but saying isn't enough. He found a therapist and has been going to him. He was doing (not saying) some good things. He does have an overwhelming amount of problems though. However, the therapist didn't think he needed inpatient treatment. We always thought he did and felt 2 months of just talking to him this therapist just didn't know the whole story. So after his arrest, his girlfriend talked to the therapist. Now the therapist is onboard with in patient rehab. I wanted to tell my son about this but what the heck, I can tell him when he gets out or calls.

So now I'm leaning towards not going.

I really appreciate all the insight you all have given me and some of the practical stuff. Yep, I'm sure he'll get a lawyer.

Kari

Only someone who has experienced having someone they love in jail a number of times would find this has hysterically funny as it is. The sad reality is that in most cases those inmates are better able to advise them than we are.....they have the experience....we don't.

I've only tried to see my son once when he was in jail.....that was the first time (and it's a doozy of a story.....they wouldn't let me see him so I tried to tell them that I was his attorney......AFTER I had already told them that I was his mother.....that didn't work! lol)

Since that time, he has been incarcerated several times for short periods....He didn't call me, I didn't go to see him, I didn't write, he didn't write, I didn't try to call him, he didn't try to call me. I let him handle it. And he did just fine.

He knows I love him just like your son knows you love him. We don't need to prove it.....in fact, it was my constant need to prove I love him that was the crux of my codependent nature (MY addiction). He knew it and used it to manipulate me using my love as the weapon......

There are a lot of wise experienced people here, but this is your life and your son......we can't take responsibility for your decisions but we can share our own experience, strength and hope.

gentle hugs
ke

I like this. Yes, it is a respite, most definitely.

We didn't tell him we wouldn't go there but we did tell him we wouldn't bail him out.

Thanks!

Kari

Oh too funny about getting legal advice from other inmates!!

Oh no, I hope they don't release him yet. I need a rest from all the drama.

I'm glad your son is in treatment. My son has that chance when he gets out.

Kari

Absolutely, that is exactly ME, lol. Although I have improved some.

Kari

Oh my gosh, pretending to be his attorney. That is soooo funny!

I think he'll do just fine too. I feel bad that he has such bad back pain (various treatments have failed but they have another thing to try) but then I tell myself he went to buy and do drugs with a bad back. They do have him in the infirmary so I guess that is the best I can expect.

You are soooo right that he knows I love him and I never even realized that is what I am trying to do...prove that I love him. But yes, that is it. Thanks for the light bulb moment.

Kari

I only visited my son once in jail and it was awful. He played me like a fine fiddle and I bailed him out...with a thousand tears and promises to do whatever I told him to do...and he lasted less than an hour on bail before he went to use.

I never again went to jail, or court, I didn't even accept calls from jail.

You don't have to do anything...why not take the day with your husband and go for a drive in the country. I guarantee you will both feel better than if you go to visit at jail. Maybe even stop for dinner along the way and enjoy the beauty of the day. WE don't have to go to jail with out kids, not even emotionally.

Hope you are wiser than I was, you'll be happier sooner if you are.

Hugs from a jailbird's mama's heart.

Update. Well I decided not to go and his girlfriend decided not to go. My husband did decide to go. He should be on his way there now. He had to work today and I could tell he wanted me to go. I said "Well they are open till 8:00 and you will be home at 6:00 so if you want to go then do it. Originally he was the one that swore he wouldn't go. I hope HE doesn't cave.

My other son called me and asked me to go to lunch and then we went back to his house and swam in his pool. Then we went and did a little shopping. I am a little sunburned but other than that it was a very restful and relaxing day.

Now I'm worried that my husband will cave but he has to do what he has to do too.

Kari

Well done, KariSue. I am so glad you had a nice day, there is no reason not to.

I will cross my fingers that your husband figures that out too.

Hugs

He didn't cave. Whoo hoo!!!

Now I am glad he went because my son hasn't been able to call. He keeps getting a "our number is restricted" message from the jail phone as others have.

He said he didn't even stay 10 minutes but just wanted to see him and say a few things and got to. Nothing upsetting just things he needed to say.

I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband.

Kari

Now see, these are what I called "strangely wrapped gifts".

Through the adversity of your son being in jail, you have learned a lot about yourself and your husband too. You have learned that you can still love your son without enabling him even a little. In turn, he will learn that he cannot use either of you and that there are consequences for his actions, jail.

You cannot buy gifts like that, these are special blessings that come our way when we least expect them.

Hugs