mstrust

i just wanted to check in with an update and perhaps receive some feedback. i have not gone no contact as of yet, i am aware i probably should, and i am focusing on my issues with TOTALLY ending things in therapy and making progress. but right now, in this moment, this is where i am.

the (ex) boyfriend is still gone but now he says he is coming back next month. no, i have not invited him back to live here. a couple weeks ago, he got in touch with me and everything had completely fallen apart, he said. also, about a month ago, i found out he had been given and filled more prescriptions for codeine...and vicodin...and morphine...and klonopin. said he was allergic to the morphine and tried to tell me he wasn't taking any of that. no, i don't really believe it.

anyway, he said he has been staying in an oxford house. but i found out the house he has been in is actually NOT an oxford house at all. supposedly a sober house, but not technically an oxford house. the ex told me his roommates f***ed him over and they all got evicted and he is just still there because he worked something out with the landlord. he told me he has no money. none. which is also because of his roommates screwing him. said he "won't survive" the month. has been crying and crying on the phone with me. literally, crying. then, of course, asked me to send money. said he needs $100 to make it through. i told him i don't have the extra money to send. he said he has no food and can't drink the water. i continue to tell him i have no money to send. last it was his phone would be shut off next week and then he will "really be done" and i still tell him i don't have the money to send to him.

i feel somewhat heartless. of course, that is not hard considering i listen to him tell me i'm heartless and cold, etc. i just don't feel like i can send a known addict who has lied to me more than he has told the truth $100 and have any real idea what the money is for.

after a day of silence, i got an email about how sorry he is for how he has been acting and how much he loves me and wants to see me when he gets back and hold me and talk face to face. i am dreading this. his return, that is.

again, i don't have a real point. i would love to know why i have such a hard time with NO contact, but i don't know that's a question anyone can answer but me. would any of you believe him? i find myself wishing sometimes i had never gotten involved at all. as pointless as the woulda, coulda, shoulda line of thinking is, it's hard not to feel that way.

suki44883

No, I definitely would NOT believe him. He wants money. He's willing to say anything he thinks you want to hear in order to get you to send him $100. I hope you don't fall for it. It is pure manipulation.

Eve13

mstrust, your name says it all! Good for you, your strong boundaries.
And stepping back and reading this, would you trust him?
If you don't want to see him, no means no. Period. If he still shows up not respecting your boundaries is a PPO an option? (don't know what's happened in your situation)
Glad you're talking this out here

mstrust

there is no need for any kind of protective order. there has never been any violence or any threatening behavior. it has all been emotional and lying and the usual roller coaster ride of a relationship with an addict.

i don't believe a word he says right now. then i question the whole thing because what if one of these times he is telling the truth... the boy who cried wolf, you know? but i mean, nothing is ever EVER because of him.

what he says:

he didn't KNOW the house wasn't a real oxford house.
he fired his first sponsor for being too negative. his second sponsor couldn't work with him because he is "too busy".
he can't get rides to meetings because one of his roommates burned all the bridges as far as that goes.
he has no food money because he was not able to get the paperwork completed for his assistance because of things that aren't his fault.
he has no money because the roommates left him without paying their share of the electric bill.
he alienated people because he fired his first sponsor and since the 12-step program is so cult-like, they all got upset with him for doing that.
he had the medications prescribed because of his teeth and because "sometimes addicts need medications too". but of course, at the same time, he says he is not taking them.
he has had severe trouble coming off his antidepressant. however, i have proof on paper that he has never been without it. i guess this was an excuse for being prescribed klonopin--anti-anxiety, sedative--which he says he didn't take anyway.

i get the impression that when he is being a jerk to me, this is how it really is...then he realizes that he is being a jerk and pulls the mr. nice guy, i'm sorry, i love you so much act hoping that that will sway me. i still feel fear a lot that he will die. that he is taking pills and he will OD one of these days. i worry about where he will go when he gets back and how he will survive.

none of this is my problem. i didn't cause any of this. right??

nytepassion

No you didn't cause any of this and it is not your job or responsibility to fix it. He has a lot of excuses for why he can't, but I'm not hearing any I cans.

"his roommates f***ed him over = (send money)
he told me he has no money. none. = (send money)
because of his roommates screwing him. = (send money)
said he "won't survive" the month. = (send money)
has been crying and crying on the phone with me. literally, crying. = (send money)
asked me to send money. = (send money)
he needs $100 to make it through. = (send money)
he said he has no food and can't drink the water. = (send money)
last it was his phone would be shut off next week and then he will "really be done" = (send money)


Sounds like to me his addiction is SCREAMING to be fed. This is not the sign of true recovery, but rather the addict trying to bs his way through and then manipulate you to get you to send money so that he can get dope.

I've been there done that and can spot it from a mile away. When you are in true recovery you find ways to get to meetings and you begin to try to figure out how you can make things work. He is on victim mode. He is a prisoner to his addiction and right now his only concern is how he is going to get his next high. That is why he is coming up with all the bs. The crying is usually because the addict is either out of dope or getting close to being out and he is scared to death of the thought of having to go a day without using. Sponsors are not usually negative, but to the addict that is not really ready for recovery anything a sponsor tells them will be something they don't want to hear. Sponsors are focused on recovery .. the addict whose heart is not ripe and ready for recovery cannot accept what they are hearing and therefore ultimately end up finding a problem with the sponsor or the program, the rehab and then they try to fault find their way out of their party-less environment and get back to the business of full time feeding frenzy of drugs and alcohol.

You are wise not to believe him.
Keep your hard earned money where it belongs *in your pocket*
Because after reading both your post it is clear that he is in active addiction mode.

I got prescriptions, but I didn't take them - BS! but you gotta give him an A for effort.


Stay focused on you maybe even every time you are tempted to believe he might be telling the truth. Take the amount of money he is asking you for and stash it away and in about a year take it out and go treat yourself to a vacation. Celebrate YOU and YOUR RECOVERY. It was hard earned and you deserve it!

Hugs,
Passion

DJ0822

Everything he cries and whines about is always somebody else's fault. Tell him to quit his whining, grow some b*lls, and act like a man. Nobody's world ends because his phone service is turned off. Nobody goes hungry with all the missions and churches handing out free food.

Wa wa wa wa wa. Grow up. :rotfxko

You are so better off without that baby stuff in your life. Sheesh!

LoveMeNow

Great post Nytepassion!!

My question for you Mistrust is .....what are you getting out of these conversations? I remember liking the "loving" attention, the feeling of importance, feeling needed. My codependency (co-addict) was being fed. It also was a diversion from looking in the mirror.

Try to search your own motives and find out why you are still dealing with this. Mine came down to my ego. As Outtolunch says...codependency is the disease of the ego. It took me a while to understand that but when I did, more and more made sense and made things easier to change.

mstrust

truly, i am not avoiding looking at myself. i explained at the beginning of my post that i am working on my inability to completely stop talking to him with my therapist.

i worry. i worry he will die. i worry something bad will happen and i won't know. i guess i get my own reassurance in some way. i certainly don't believe his "loving attention" anyway...i mean, maybe he THINKS he loves me, but i feel it's more manipulative than anything.

sometimes i think that if i just say the right thing or just have the right conversation, he will be able to "see". and not that i want it to be BECAUSE of me. i just want him well. you can't make someone see though. no matter what i say or do, it won't matter.

i have fully accepted my codependency...working on it all the time. this continued contact is basically the one thing left in our relationship. maybe i'm just afraid of loss in general. maybe it's keeping me from having to REALLY move on.

and yes, passion, what a post...seriously. i am going to reread that one. a lot.

theotherhalf

have you tried looking at going to CODA meetings in your area? Ive been going for a month now and find it very helpful..i have to change the focus from the addict back to myself...its encouraging to hear other people who are/have gone through the same.

mstrust

there are no coda meetings in my area.

ok. i am not quite sure how to articulate this, but i'm going to do the very best i can.

this, what i've posted about today, is really not about me putting the focus on the addict instead of myself. i have been alone while the addict has been far away from me for six months. i've had ups and downs, but i've spent this time...plus the past YEAR, actually...working on ME. i've focused more on getting my s**t together at work. i've focused more on eating healthy and exercise and LIVING my life...getting together with friends instead of isolating...working in therapy and between appts. on my "issues", etc.

i'm a happy person today. i feel good about where i am and how far i've come. i am also humble enough to realize that i still have a long way to go. i will always be a work in progress. just like everyone else, whether they've been in a relationship with an addict or not. i KNOW myself in a way that slaps me in the face with how much i DIDN'T before when i thought i did. i'll probably say that again in the not too distant future about now. it's constant evolution. when i first started waking up to my role in this whole thing, when the s**t really started to hit the fan last year, i was a shaky, shaky mess or a thing trying to get it. i'm progressing, but i'm not perfect.

having said that, at some point, it's not that it's "about the addict", but what is about ME involves the addict. why? because he has been a huge part of my life for over two years and i genuinely thought i would be spending my life with this person. i honestly care about him as a human being. he will be coming back to my area, according to him, and that can throw anyone for a loop no matter how far they've come in their recovery. the addict has asked me to send him money and i think we all can agree that it's likely for nefarious purposes. i said no. i have not sent it. mstrust a year ago would have. yes, i'm still talking to him...but, as i said, this is a sticking point that i continue to work on. that's why i am trying to deal with my reality today, in this moment.

i'm not obsessing about this. i'm not sitting here biting my fingernails about what's going to happen every minute. i'm not neglecting myself and i'm not trying to take care of him. sometimes it just helps to have some validation that not giving into requests/demands is not selfish...that my instincts are probably right...the instincts i am still learning to trust. because when this all boils down, this post, this whole situation, it is about trusting ME, not him. it's about taking care of ME, not him...

cynical one

You will feel like this until you cease any and all contact with him. Once you cut contact the time spent thinking about him will slowly decrease until one day you realize 'hey I didn't think about him at all yesterday'. And, then after more time without contact he will pop in your head every now and then. And, then finally he will become a distant memory.

nytepassion

You have come a long way and I have no doubt you will continue to grow in your recovery. All of us had to walk the path of learning ... recovery is a process and not an event. The most important part of recovery is to stay in it and that is what you are doing. As long as you stay on the path working and using the tools you have picked up along the way you will arrive on time just right where you need to be. You have made great strides. I totally get how hearing he may be coming back into town could throw you for a loop and take you off balance a bit. This is where you get the opportunity to put all that you've learned and gathered into good use and I believe you will do just fine. You've been in training for times like these and I have no doubt your recovery will shine through.

You're working hard to be able to get to where you can do no contact and adressing your weak areas with your therapist. You arent in denial that you struggle in the area therefore you will find the strenght to do no contact and call upon it when you arrive.

Keep on keepin on

Hugs,
Passion