jzeb2008

My husband told me last weekend (within the same day) that he was filing for a divorce to spite me, but that he still loves me. In the next breath, it was that he wanted to work things out (but we could stay separated if I wanted) as long as he was able to see his daughter regularly. When I asked him about getting sober, he ended the conversation. He didn't call all week but I found out that he got his phone turned back on Wednesday. I texted him, begging him to consider treatment. He blew me off until today. He told me to leave him alone. I told him that I'm not saying another word about treatment, that his sobriety is his own choice but to know that the real problem in our marriage was always the way he treated me while using/drinking (neglecting me, abandonment, withholding affection, emotional abuse, ect.)and my problem was always trying to control his addiction. Next thing I know, he's telling me that he loves me and wants to see the baby and I tomorrow. I asked if we could possibly meeting for a bit to talk tonight and he said be was busy. Yeah, I bet! He said we could meet in the morning. This man has hardly been around our 2 year old daughter in almost a year. Since he's been gone, it's all he's talked about. I'm not sure if he really does love me or is just wanting to see his daughter. Is it possible that he doesn't love me anymore because I drove him away. Feedback from recovering addicts/alcoholics (or anyone) would be helpful. Thanks!

cynical one

I think many people love to the best of their ability. I also think many people do not know what real, mature love actually is.

Needingadvice1

I often ask myself that same question. Or think surely if he loved me he wouldn't be doing this, he would be fighting for us. All I know is that pre- meth he loved me. Maybe he still does but at the moment he loves/needs drugs more than he loves/needs me. I've read many times on this board, 'you can't love someone out of addiction.'
even if he does love you with all his heart is that enough for you to stay on the roller coaster if he doesn't seek help?
Addiction puts so much pressure on relationships. We all know that. Love is an emotion & it makes everything hurt but really there's way more to the story than love. You say you've been apart nearly a year. Think back to your life 18 months ago. For me, my husband loving me (if he still does) isn't enough anymore. I need him to love me but to show me his love by making me happy, being honest & most of all RELIABLE. Whilst he is an active drug user, even if he loves me to the moon & back, he will never be those things. Me & our children will not come 2nd to drugs anymore. I hope he gets help & I hope your husband does too but that completely up to them...

Kindeyes

Addict's thinking is screwed up. It just is. They think they have rights (parental) often without accepting or following through on the responsibilities associated with such rights.

I've watched this play out twice. First with my XAH and now with my son (who is an adult, a father, and a recovering addict). I believe they do love to the best of their ability but they think that love is enough and is all that is required of them. But their love is selfish.....it's all about them and I found that my XAH never spoke about what was best for our son....he talked only in terms of "I want....."

I made a lot of mistakes dealing with my AXH. But I don't know if I had dealt with things differently what would have happened. My grandson's mother is dealing with things differently than I did and I hope it works out well for them. She is also doing the best she can.

I stand on the sidelines and pray.

I have no advice for you......what I did wasn't necessarily the right thing to do and time has yet to reveal how my grandson's life will be affected by his mother's decisions for him. You and your family will be in my prayers.

I do think that my XAH used our son as an excuse and method of trying to "get" to me......at least that's what it felt like. It is difficult (maybe impossible) to co-parent with an active addict. As far as whether or not your husband loves you? Again....they love to the best of their ability but as long as drugs are an active part of their lives.....we are not their first love. Drugs are.

gentle hugs
ke

story74

Yes, I'm sure he loves you and your child. Unfortunately, he is an addict. That's the problem. Divorce might be a godsend. It was for me.

DG0409

I absolutely believe that addicts can and do love. Even when I was drinking and drugging, I certainly loved people still- my family, my boyfriend, etc.

But I wasn't always capable of treating them right or acting how I should to the people I loved. I certainly didn't always act in a loving way.

Sometimes, love isn't enough.

irisgardens

Agree with cynical and the post about 'sometimes love isn't enough'. I have learned in very hard and serial ways that addiction destroys families...having the knowledge I have now...at the time you are in your life...I would do my very best to protect my children from the long term effects of an addict in their lives...no matter who or how much I loved them. Addicts are very selfish people and their love is always directed towards getting their own needs met.