BlueChair

My husband is mad at me and feels like I am betraying him because I wont side with him against pretty much everyone who thinks he should not come home before going to rehab, and he is saying now that he doesn’t even think he needs to go because he can get help without doing inpatient. And then he cries and makes me feel guilty. He starts in about how he knows he screwed up, and he is sorry, and he knows he needs help but he doesn’t want to be locked up, and don’t I want to be with him. In my head I know he is scared, and I am scared too but he doesn’t get that. I don’t want this either you know. I cant sleep, Ive been packing things for him, and for me because right now when he gets released tomorrow we are spending the weekend at his parents house. Ive been driving back and forth from the hospital every night this week because of work, and all of it is catching up with me and I feel exhausted but I cant relax because my emotions are all so high. I still cant believe he will be gone away for months and this is our last weekend together, and we will be at his parents. I know how he feels, I get it, but I cant change things and he acts like I can. I mean it is too late, everything happened already and he cant just take it back and act like it never happened and that he is fine, or can blink his eyes and he will be fine and just come home. It all hurts.

someoneswife

My husband was the same way before rehab. The days leading up to his admission was just one emotional roller coaster after another. The first couple of days he was in I waited by the phone because I just knew he was going to check himself out. But he didn't, and it's been 3 weeks. He still complains constantly but he's there. I will say, that the day he checked himself in I felt such a wave of relief because I knew he was going to get help and that I would have some time to work on me.

Rehab is a huge step and it's scary but it's a step in the right direction. I hope things get less stressful for you and you're able to find some peace.

lizwig

Hi bluechair, I have no doubt you are exhausted. You've been through a lot and are trying to make all the pieces fit right now. It sounds like you have the safest plan in place. I would simply explain you've both been ruled by fear for too long and that you aren't going to change a plan he previously agreed to because his fear is rearing it's head. Ask him to trust you and to believe you want the best for him and that you would rather your last couple of days before inpatient be as positive as possible. I'm so sorry...none of this may make a difference but I found when I make decisions based on fear they always went horribly haywire. Thinking of you today and am pleased he has this opportunity.

Kindeyes

Hon, he is scared. He's looking for an out. He wants someone to side with him and say "you're right....you don't need this.....we can do this together". He's stepping into unknown territory and that's scary for anyone.

The first couple of weeks in rehab are often tough too. They want out. But it's not prison.....they can leave anytime they want to......but it's important not to give them an easy out because they will take it. They'll seek the path of least resistance.

This is tough on the loved ones too. You're in your own turmoil.... psychologically, emotionally and spiritually--addiction zaps the energy from everyone around it. This time while he is in rehab will allow you to have some time for your own healing, learning, and understanding. If the rehab has family meetings (which many do), I hope you will participate as fully as your schedule will allow.

I remember how tough the days leading up to rehab were.......breathe......do something nice and soothing for yourself. Take care of you......

gentle hugs
ke

GardenMama

BlueChair, maybe you can think of it this way: His addiction is mad at you and everyone else in his life who's trying to get it under control.

In retrospect, I now cannot believe the things my AD said to us and to every single professional she encountered -- she lied with such emotion and grace and certainty!

A NarAnon friend said once that she and her husband gave their daughter's addiction a name, Slick, and referred to her as Slick when they could see the addiction more than their daughter. She said that helped them separate her from her disease. (They did not call her this in her presence--just between themselves.)

Please try to relax into this--I know that may sound ridiculous to you right now--but it is really important. Think self-care. Think sleep. Think focus. When he is in treatment, you may be surprised how much relief you will feel being at home alone without all the stress.

Take good care.

BlueChair

Thank you everyone. I know a lot of this is nerves. It is hard to accept all this is happening, and that he has to go away for help. The doctors told us that it was ok for him to wait until next week and for us to spend some time together but the risk was only that he would change his mind. But I dont see how he can because all of us are backing rehab, and he cant even go back to work. I am trying to think how hard this is for him, and I am proud of him, but so much has happened in such a short amount of time I feel like everything is spinning. At least though at his parents place the way it is we will have our own space and privacy. I went by on my way to the hospital and put our stuff there. Im just going to try to be strong.

someoneswife, thank you for sharing what you have just went through. I am afraid he will want to leave rehab too. The doctors even told me to be prepared. It seems like a nice place, and I know its not jail, but its sort of like being in the hospital and you feel trapped. The doctor was telling both of us how about 50 years ago or so they put people in hospitals long term for lots of things because they thought they were contagious, or treatments were so limited. I forgot the things he told us now, one of them was something with the lungs I think. Didnt even sound like it existed anymore. We both sort of laughed at that. He was saying how the hospitals were not very plushy with cable tv and yummy food like they serve. He makes my husband laugh so that is good.

thank you all so much. I guess the next step of this is starting for us now.

pravchaw

Look at rehab as a rehab for you too. Make sure you participate in a family program. SR is a great resource. I wish I had found is sooner in my journey. You will need new skills to cope with his recovery efforts, skills like patience, tough love, avoiding enabling, building high frustration tolerance and detachment. This is going to be life long battle for him and you. Lapses and relapses are par for the course.

I have read time and again that addiction can be controlled not cured. The memory of addiction is forever imprinted in ones brain. I suggest reading the book "thinking simply about addiction" - by Richard Sandor. Its probably among the best book I have read (http://thinkingsimply.com/) on addiction.

BlueChair

Thank you. I will look up that book. What you said it what the doctor told us too. Im into reading right now and it helps because all of addiction things are new to me. I am reading what has turned out to be a series of books by David Sheff right now. Im on my second one that is called Clean, and Im about half way through. Thank you for the recommendation.

LoveMeNow

I would highly recommend Codependent No More. Learning about addiction is a good start, however learning about yourself is a lifelong gift.

BlueChair

Thanks , I think I read about this one somewhere and there was a list of signs to look for. I will go back and read it through it.

zoso77

So let him be mad. That's not your problem.

I've been a bit off the grid here, so I'm not familiar with your AH's story. But I am familiar with manipulation, and I am familiar with bullsh*t. Him blaming you for "not taking his side" and then telling you he's sorry and crying is bullsh*t.

What it all boils down to is he's got basically two choices:

1) Accept responsibility for his illness and start doing the necessary, difficult work to get better

2) Don't accept responsibility and continue to try to bullsh*t himself, you, and others

It's really that simple.

As far as relaxing goes, have you considered massage? An hour to 90 minutes with a good masseuse can make a world of difference. Or, create your own playlist on Pandora with relaxing music, and just unplug as best you can. Speaking from experience, if I didn't have a good masseuse, I probably wouldn't have gotten through grad school.

Hang in there.

ZoSo

BlueChair

Thank you for your note. Looking back Im mean he was mad at me but it was a temporary emotion I think. He had been in the hospital for almost two weeks and then was being told he needed to leave home and go into residential treatment. I think most of what he said came from fear. He realizes he has a problem and he did go into rehab on Monday.

Its funny you mention the masseuse because a couple of my girlfriends are suggesting we have a spa day this weekend. I was at the hospital a week or so ago, and a friend was giving me a little shoulder massage, and was like saying you are so tense, your muscles are all knotted up. And it was true because I was so tense my neck muscles got all tight and it was aching. Its funny our body and muscles respond like that to stress. Maybe a spa day is in order soon.

zoso77

When I was under grad school + career stress, I stored all the stress in my neck and shoulders, and it would take a bit of coaxing to get it all to release.

If I'm in real emotional duress, then I store everything in my lower back. And that sucks.

My point is if you get a chance to have a day with the girls at a spa, take advantage. It's good for you.

ZoSo

BlueChair

Thank you. It was very thoughtful of you to even think of suggesting that to me. It is sort of hard to think about going out and trying to have fun or relaxing when all of this is going on. I know he is in a safe place and he has lots of things and people to occupy his time. I am torn between thinking about his situation as being like he is in a special hospital, or like he has had to go back to college and he is learning. Anyway, thank you. Hope you have a good night.