He is not serious
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Another week has gone by and my son is still in a holding pattern. I see him about once a week. He said he has called the detox/ rehab and has an appointment the week after next. (I am not holding my breath, as he is likely telling me what he wants me to hear). I have a sense that things may be coming to an head. His current job is ending next week and he is running out of funds and may not be able to meet rent...I don't intend to take him back unless he has committed to some sort of treatment/recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 102
Hi Pravchaw,
I hope you and your wife are doing well and as well as your son. I know it's tough to get through all the worrying, but hang in there. That's what I'm trying to do.
My 22yo AS, told me the other day that he is 70 days sober. I was told him that I'm so proud of him. He put this sobriety calculator app on his phone. I was actually surprised that he did that. I can't say that it's all been roses. I do invest a lot of time, when he needs me to vent or just be listen a sounding board. It helps him get through whatever. We have a pretty good relationship, and I don't mind him calling me when he feels a little down. Although, I do try not to get too ahead of myself and am just thankful for one more day of sobriety. My son has to work on it every single day.
I am sure your son will get through this as well. Keeping my fingers crossed for all of us.
I hope you and your wife are doing well and as well as your son. I know it's tough to get through all the worrying, but hang in there. That's what I'm trying to do.
My 22yo AS, told me the other day that he is 70 days sober. I was told him that I'm so proud of him. He put this sobriety calculator app on his phone. I was actually surprised that he did that. I can't say that it's all been roses. I do invest a lot of time, when he needs me to vent or just be listen a sounding board. It helps him get through whatever. We have a pretty good relationship, and I don't mind him calling me when he feels a little down. Although, I do try not to get too ahead of myself and am just thankful for one more day of sobriety. My son has to work on it every single day.
I am sure your son will get through this as well. Keeping my fingers crossed for all of us.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I was thinking about your family the other night. I think it was on CNN they had a documentary about marijuana. I think it was called "weed". You have probably already seen it, but it was very interesting. It is really troubling I think that there seems to be so much glamorization around "weed" these days. Musicians seem to be referencing it, and they incorporate it into so many tv shows. I know there is a lot of debate on it, but it seems like such a bad influence especially for teens.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Pravchaw, I have been following your thread. I have been in your shoes--deep into your shoes(LOL). I can see that you have not really let go of your son. You may feel that you have loosened the reins extensively and that this should be enough for him to "see the light". But you have to completely let go of his life and turn it 100% over to him. I realize it is almost i mpossible for you to even realize what that might be like--and you probably recoil from the very idea. Believe me, I know.
He may lose his job; he may live in a shelter; he may live in the woods; he may go to jail; he may panhandle and hang with unsavory types. He may do things that could break your heart. But, you have no control over what he will do. No control. These things all happen to kids whose parents bend over backwards trying to influence and "help"---to parents who hover and almost lose their minds from worry. That has no effect, either--not a positive effect, anyway. It looks to e like he is playing you like a cheap fiddle, right now. He knows exactly where your buttons are better than you do!. I know that you don't really realize that, right now.
When you let go--you turn your son over to the universe and let the universe take over. This is where your son will have to turn inward--where the changes happen, anyway. In other words, you will have to get out of the way so that the universe can do it's work.
Please don't take my words as criticism of you--I understand how hard you are working and how much you care. I am just remembering where my blind spots were/are and am trying to reach out to you--one parent to another.
sincerely, dandylion
He may lose his job; he may live in a shelter; he may live in the woods; he may go to jail; he may panhandle and hang with unsavory types. He may do things that could break your heart. But, you have no control over what he will do. No control. These things all happen to kids whose parents bend over backwards trying to influence and "help"---to parents who hover and almost lose their minds from worry. That has no effect, either--not a positive effect, anyway. It looks to e like he is playing you like a cheap fiddle, right now. He knows exactly where your buttons are better than you do!. I know that you don't really realize that, right now.
When you let go--you turn your son over to the universe and let the universe take over. This is where your son will have to turn inward--where the changes happen, anyway. In other words, you will have to get out of the way so that the universe can do it's work.
Please don't take my words as criticism of you--I understand how hard you are working and how much you care. I am just remembering where my blind spots were/are and am trying to reach out to you--one parent to another.
sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Dandylion, thanks for the great post. I am going to print it out and keep it on my night table to remind me to get out of my son's life. I know its a process and it will take me some time to unlearn the habit of a lifetime. All my life I have solved problems by diving into them, figuring them out and wrestling them to the ground. I now understand and thanks for pointing it out, that this is exactly the wrong way of going about with my son. I need to allow my son the freedom to choose his own path.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Pravchaw, I understand your method of operation, perfectly---because it has also been my own method of solving problems. Diving headlong into a problem, figuring it out, and wrestling it to the ground. (LOL).
I grew up having to be super responsible and resourceful. It was how I was able to survive. I often felt that if I didn't--no one was going to do it for me. And, you know what---I am proud of that in many ways---it has allowed me to make my way in this, often tough, world. It has allowed me to be successful in many areas because I became tenacious and committed to what I believed in. Because, I have suffered, at times, I developed compassion and a charitable attitude towards others. I suspect you are pretty much the same--even though you are male and I am female---LOL. No matter--we mountain women can be as durable as a hickory stick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the same token---the flip side of this same coin has been my achilles heel at times--especially with this disease. I tend to take on too much responsibility, sometimes--feeling that it is on my shoulders to solve all the problems of the world---and that love conquers all. I can literally try to love a problem to death---well, that often backfires when love is the only tool used to fight this disease. What might work in other relationships has so often failed with my alcoholics. Believe me when I say: "DRATS!"
This disease can just drain you dry.....and, with nothing positive to show for it.
So, pravchaw, you can, maybe, see why my heart goes out to you---and why I can understand.
You are making great progress, already--although you probably can't see it, yet.
Keep the faith.
dandylion
I grew up having to be super responsible and resourceful. It was how I was able to survive. I often felt that if I didn't--no one was going to do it for me. And, you know what---I am proud of that in many ways---it has allowed me to make my way in this, often tough, world. It has allowed me to be successful in many areas because I became tenacious and committed to what I believed in. Because, I have suffered, at times, I developed compassion and a charitable attitude towards others. I suspect you are pretty much the same--even though you are male and I am female---LOL. No matter--we mountain women can be as durable as a hickory stick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the same token---the flip side of this same coin has been my achilles heel at times--especially with this disease. I tend to take on too much responsibility, sometimes--feeling that it is on my shoulders to solve all the problems of the world---and that love conquers all. I can literally try to love a problem to death---well, that often backfires when love is the only tool used to fight this disease. What might work in other relationships has so often failed with my alcoholics. Believe me when I say: "DRATS!"
This disease can just drain you dry.....and, with nothing positive to show for it.
So, pravchaw, you can, maybe, see why my heart goes out to you---and why I can understand.
You are making great progress, already--although you probably can't see it, yet.
Keep the faith.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I can literally try to love a problem to death---well, that often backfires when love is the only tool used to fight this disease. What might work in other relationships has so often failed with my alcoholics. Believe me when I say: "DRATS!"
This disease can just drain you dry.....and, with nothing positive to show for it.
This disease can just drain you dry.....and, with nothing positive to show for it.
so true. Reminds me of the cliche "when the only tool I have is a hammer, all problems look like a nail". Of course it not really a nail, its our own head. 
Life has a way of teaching us new skills. Time to develop new tools for our toolbox, tools like patience, stepping back, listening, zipping our mouth, looking at ourselves, walking away without guilt, less is more ...
We forget that we became super responsible (not a good thing!) because others allowed us that by not looking after us, and we learnt from touching the hot stove. We need to pass on that learning and allow our loved ones to get scalded..
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Addiction is much like watching a drowning person. Of course, our instincts are to jump in and try to save and rescue them. But much like a drowning person, an addict has the ability to take us right down with them if we let them.
It defies logic, our instincts and innate compassion and love to watch someone struggle. However, they must find their own inner strength to swim to the shore for help. Some make it, some don't. It's all so very sad.
You and your son continue to be in my prayers.
It defies logic, our instincts and innate compassion and love to watch someone struggle. However, they must find their own inner strength to swim to the shore for help. Some make it, some don't. It's all so very sad.
You and your son continue to be in my prayers.
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