Eve13

Pravchaw, when our AS moved out (court tested him + for pot, his DOC, but oops, is a probation violation) that action really helped me to have the space to let go. I no longer have to worry if he is using or not. A lotta good that does anyhow, right?
His recovery - or not- is all on him. I like your thought of a food bank...hadn't thought of that for our son - good idea!
Hope you and your wife are doing something to take care of yourselves right now...

pravchaw

Thanks. I am doing better, except for my back. Hurt myself in a step class at the gym.

Eve13

Well good that you went to the gym! I think I need to plug in the GPS to find mine again (hanging head)

Carrots

You've come a long way, Pravchaw! I know how hard this is, but your boundary is a good one. All he has to do is find treatment and pursue recovery and he can get it all back. You are an amazing parent and you obviously love your son. Hang in there. Will be praying for all of you.

Lotusangel

Pravchaw I am sorry for what you are going through. It is very hard to understand why our addicted children would want to give up the good life that we have provided to use time and time again. And it is so true, that their brains are hijacked.

This last bout my son had with his addiction that landed him in the hospital and a bunch of other chaos that I am just too tired of repeating, led me to have a serious talk with him and tell him that I now accepted whatever decision he made whether it was to continue to keep using or to really work on recovery for himself. I explained to him in a firm but loving manner, that I was just too tired to keep doing these cycles. I advised him that if he decided to continue to use, I would evict him from the condo he lives in as our tenant (but I mean officially evict him). I also told him that I have accepted that it is his decision if that is the life he wants to live which I cannot be a part of. I was not going to force him into rehab or any program, that would be up to him. That's when he decided to go see his therapist and get into an Intensive Outpatient Program. Tomorrow is his last day of the six week program with three clean drug test and is looking forward to after care. I know this only the beginning and we are not out of the woods. But for today, I am good.

I strongly believe now, that they have to believe you are serious about the consequence you set. I felt so defeated and knew that I had truly come to accept whatever decision he made. And I do. What tomorrow brings, I do not know. I do know that somehow, I have to keep my sanity even if I don't agree with his choices. Just don't put it in my face. Good luck.

pravchaw

Hi Lotusangel, Thank you for your reply. I have done pretty much what you did. I evicted him out of the house. However because of Canada's relatively generous social safety net, he managed to somehow scam the system to get social assistance. He supplements his income doing labour jobs for cash (and who knows what else). Last month he lost his job, ran out of money and showed up at our door broke and hungry promising to go into rehab etc. The good intentions lasted about a week and then the drinking and late hours started again. He found another job and as soon as he got his paycheck, picked a fight with me and moved out. I have not seen or talked to him for a week. When he left, I told him not to bother coming back if he gets into trouble.

I have realized I am powerless over him and his addiction. He is a real stubborn ass and I fear that he has a low bottom. I am willing to send him to rehab but he has to be willing to change - otherwise there is no point.

Carrots

So sorry, Pravchaw. You are doing everything the way you are "supposed to" and it is abundantly clear how much you care. I believe the love you have for your son will bring him to his senses in time. His bottom might be low, but when he gets there the relationship you fostered with him all those years will be a thing that he will want to have again. In the meantime, his actions are none of your business. (Yes, easy for me to SAY...... What I do....not so easy!)

Ann

Your son could be my son, I recognize the cycle and you're right, you, me all of us are powerless over our loved ones' addictions.

But we can take back our own power by determining what is and what is not acceptable in our lives and then setting boundaries to ensure our own protection.

You and your boy are in my prayers and I hope he finds a better path soon.

Hugs

pravchaw

Thanks Ann. Being on this forum and getting encouragement and advise from other parents and recovering addicts has meant a lot for me these last few months. I also see my situation is not as bad as many and if they can get on with their lives so can I. This is a strange and new situation for me. My first profound experience with utter powerlessness. It like quicksand. the more you struggle the less effective you are.

pravchaw

My son came by today to pick up some items from his former room. He did not look healthy and looked intoxicated. We talked for a few minutes. I encouraged him to call the rehab. I invited him for dinner but he did not want to stay. He said he will come by next Friday.

Eve13

Pravchaw, how are you and your wife holding up after this brief visit?

(edit to add: you don't have to answer, please just know I'm thinking about you both at this tough time)

pravchaw

We were invited to an extended family BBQ / get together last evening. Ended up feeling very bad. Watching my son's cousins who are doing well in life and listening to their proud parents recount their achievements brings up pangs of pain and thoughts of what went wrong. I am surprised at my self. Is it jealousy? Looks like I have a ways to go before I recover. Any advise of how to handle these feelings?

Eve13

I don't know if it's jealousy. For me, it is grief and loss. What could have been, currently is not. 2 years ago, when many of his friends graduated from college, now 2 years later some have their Master's degree and are on their way...yeah, that's still hard. I allow myself those feelings, then focus on the fact that AS is making his choices. His life. His control. And I work on letting it go. It sucks, I'm not always in a good place but my husband and I keep talking and helping each other through this. When people ask what's he up to I just let them know he has chosen the scenic route through school and drop it. Having ready answers that stop questions helps me.

HopefulmomtoD

I know exactly how your feeling. It does get easier with time. I think as your acceptance progresses, those pains at seeing your son's contemporaries succeed will decrease. I withdrew socially because it was just too painful to hear how well (or that's how it seemed to me ....) everyone else's child was doing. And I didn't want to answer questions about mine.

I've gotten better at accepting that these are his choices. I know that my DS, like yours, had a nice childhood and received much love and support.

It also helps to hear stories (and many people have shared) of children/teens/young adults that were a mess and it just took them longer to get it all together.

And, finally, I've stopped measuring my son's success by my definitions of success. If he is sober and happy and supporting himself- that's successful, too.

Oh, one other thing. Everything may look perfect on the outside sometimes, but I've learned that even the families that appear to have it completely together, also have problems. Not many of us get out of life without some pain.

lizwig

I can relate Pravchaw. I have many wonderful nieces and nephews who I love dearly. For the most part they are all high achievers who set goals and work towards them. Interestingly enough 5 of them have a parent with addiction issues....and yet they seem to have turned out fine. There's a colorful Kat or two but none to the extent of my only child. I have felt those pangs of "why me? Why him?" And then I remember...why not? Addiction crosses all social classes....it seems to permeate all cultures too. I have decided it's not for me to figure out. I've chosen to embrace my good relationships with the younger generations of my family. I attend all their events and celebrate their achievements. They all miss my son as well....we had so much fun when they were all young. I remind myself they feel the loss too. I've been there. Acknowledge the feelings so you can move through them faster. You are doing great.

pravchaw

Thank you. We have not shared the fact of our sons disease with our relatives and friends (expect one). I talked with my wife yesterday if we should be more open. She said she was not ready. I will have to work on some standard answers on inquiries and questions. I know people are noticing that we have withdrawn socially. Of course some of the cousins my sons grew up with likely know. I would not be surprised if this is common knowledge.

Ilovemysonjj

Dearest Pravchaw, I also understand that feeling of loss and pangs of regret when your friends and family members' kids are achieving their successes. It is very hard to hear wonderful news while you are torn up inside. I know you mentioned you haven't shared your sitation with anyone else yet. Believe me, once that rock is unturned, you actually get freedom. Over the last three years, I have developed a very strong support system with our family friends and though they have no experience directly with an addict, they see what we are dealing with, no judgement , just love. It also helps to remember that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you can't cure it. As a society, we are not as informed as to the sickness of addiction as we are informed of other mental and physical sicknesses. Take your time and when you are ready, you can share your needs and your situation as you are comfortable.
Hugs,
TT

HopefulmomtoD

I agree with TT- once you share it becomes freeing. I just decided I wasn't keeping his secrets anymore. And, he was embarrassed to know everyone knew and was something else that pushed him to his bottom. You never know- maybe, where you or your wife haven't been able to reach him - an admired aunt or uncle or cousin might be able to?

Now, I am private- so I don't share with everyone. I've got my pat answers if people ask- but most don't, lol. I think they know if I wanted to talk about it, I would.

The family week experience at DS's rebab and sharing with the parents here at SR have helped solidify for me that there was nothing else we could have done. Addiction and alcoholism happen to good parents, too.

Carrots

Oh, I still deal with these tremendous feelings of loss. My AD was a nationally ranked athlete and an honor's student. It's so hard hearing about her old teammates going to nationals or to full ride athletic scholarships in NCAA. But more than that, it's just the loss of all your hopes and dreams for your kid and its almost impossible to not wonder, "What did I do wrong? What decision was the wrong one? Maybe if I'd done this or that she'd still be on track." It's thinking that can get you spun down into despair pretty quick.

I find sharing in Al Anon helps, just because there's no judgment there. Everyone has their own situations that are as bad or worse. I have shared with some friends and family and a few coworkers, but I'm still judicious because I'm still dealing with the shame of it- and when I feel judged I accept that onto myself too easily.

I guess I try to cut myself a break, remember I didn't cause it, grieve the loss and try to reframe the relationship with my addict. It's a different kind of relationship now. I'm still sad about losing that amazing kid I had- but I'm still grateful that there's hope she can still be amazing again, just in a different way.

pravchaw

This may be the crux of our problem - the unconcious mind still blames our self even though all we read and listen say its a disease and we did not cause it. The solution is simple as well I need to change my thinking and not withdraw. I am not social my nature (prefer solitary pursuits like investing and reading) but my wife is and she really feels the gap between our child and his contemprories. I will encourage her to slowly open up to the extended family and share the reality and get their support.