New relationship with an old, newly sober lover
 

Let me start by saying I have no personal history with substance abuse, but I recently started falling for a man who I've had casual nsa sex with on and off for the last five years. Until recently there was nothing but pure physical attraction between us. Lately I've been starting to catch feelings for him. He isn't into having a relationship because he's 11 months sober from pills and heroin and doesn't want to mess up his recovery. I have no perspective on this, I would never want to mess with his recovery because I do care for him deeply, but I find myself falling for him more every day. What should I do?

Well, once you start falling for someone then you start having expectations. Obviously you two have now two different agendas: Him recovery and casual sex and you a relationship.
I would suggest you protect yourself and break it off. If you can borrow the book, read "He is just not that into you"
That will put things in perspective for you.
If he was truly into you, recovery or not, he would take the risk of an intimate relationship. Even thought it is advised that we wait until we have one year sober, it is not a set rule and if he truly was into you he would probably bypass that "rule". Many (included myself) have done it before....just saying.

I would politely step aside and just be his friend right now... It is advised that newly sober people not get involved in a relationship for the first year and even then I think it should be longer...

No one says you can't be friends but I wouldn't put any expectations on anything more then that.. Being in a relationship with a recovering A is hard.. You will always have doubts and trust issues... Be his friend for awhile and then see what happens...

Thank you Carlotta. I feel as if he wants to take our "relationship" to the next level but he has told me I intimidate him because I've never had drug problems and he has. I'm not sure what makes him feel this way because I honestly admire him, and you, and anyone who has ever been through recovery. I'm not sure I could do it.

I don't know if he's actually more into the idea of us being together or if I'm convincing myself he is.

Do you think there's a possibility that being with someone who is always clean and sober could help him? I want to be there for him even if it's not in a romantic capacity

You cannot help him... Repeat after me, YOU CANNOT HELP HIM... I learned this lesson the hard and painful way when I involved myself with a newly sober man...

If you want any kind of friendship with this man, I suggest finding an alanon meeting to attend and picking up the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie...

Do you care to elaborate?

When it comes to addiction: You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
Only him can help himself and the only meaningful support which he will get is that of other addicts in the rooms. It takes an addict to understand an addict and to help an addict.

I would also like to add that offering "help" to someone who is not asking for it is a very codependent thing to do and is a good way to set oneself up to get hurt.
With your help will come your expectations (intimacy) and when it does not materialize (let s say he meets a woman he really likes and starts dating her) you will be the one left there hurt and whose fault will it be?

I have a terrible tendency to set myself up to be hurt. Thank you for your advice, you've given me a lot to think about.

This won't be what you want to hear. . And I am sorry.
Walk away. Run if it makes it easier. If you can be his friend, by all means.. but I know how hard it is to bury love and adoration. Continuing on with a sexual relationship will only make it harder.
I am married to an addict. 8 years of the roller coaster of rejoice and relapse. Wait it out.. if he stays sober for a few years.. then try for something. Until then.. you may be chasing a nightmare. And the hurt it causes your heart..its unbearable. Avoid it. Protect yourself.

Do you think there's a possibility that being with someone who is always clean and sober could help him? I want to be there for him even if it's not in a romantic capacity

he stated that he is not interested or available for a relationship because he is putting his recovery first. respect that. don't second guess that of which you do not know. he deliberately kept much of himself from you over the years....no strings attached, remember? his addiction belonged to him, and he didn't drag you thru it. now his recovery belongs to him, and he has not asked you to be a part of it.

that is where you stand. you guys have had a deal. and the deal isn't changing. if he wanted more from you, he would have indicated so....he's been navigating his recovery for 11 months now and appears to be keeping it front and center. WITHOUT your influence or input. without making you a part of it. pretty much as he has the rest of his life.

no strings attached. that's the deal.

I'm sorry for your situation, the silver lining is that its made you such a stronger person.
That's absolutely not what I want to hear, you're right. Truthfully, I know I should walk (run) away but if I am honest with myself I don't know if I can leave our on again off again sort of friendship sort of dating relationship. It's so much more than sex, he's been there for me in my darkest hour. I don't know how to let him go. Burying your love is the perfect way to describe it. ..

I think codependents like ourselves tend to get overly attached to people.. I know that's the case with me be it an addict or non addict.. We are addicted to helping people, we place our self worth on if they approve of us or not.. And the further they distance themselves from us the harder we cling to them.. Rejection in any form hurts but when you realize that the person you have been intimate with doesn't return your feelings.. Well that's just a whole other level of hurt..

I was married to my addict for 5 years.. For four of those years I was chasing my tail trying to "help" him.. Every bit of love, energy, time and money that I put into helping him did nothing.. He didn't want my help, all I was doing was enabling this man and his addiction.. I helped myself by waking away from the marriage and it was one of the most painful things I ever did because he was like my drug...

I would run far far away from this man or at least keep him at a healthy distance.. And don't do the NSA thing anymore.. It only messes with your head and your heart and you are worth more then the crumbs he is throwing your way...

Thank you for sharing your story...I've never thought of myself as being codependent but new that I think about it I realize how much your story matches mine. Not only with this man but with friends and other boyfriends. I will be sure to check out that book too. Thank you.

Maybe I read what you wrote wrong, but it looks like you are just asking if it is good for someone in recovery to be with people who are clean and live well. I think the answer to this is yes. I think people are thinking your saying that you feel like you can save him, or you can keep him clean. I dont think that is a responsibility you want to take on and from what I can gather that would be codependent because your not making it a real relationship, your making it about saving someone.

I think I am codependent to a point but I genuinely just want to be there for him. I guess I just don't know how someone who has never been through addiction can help if at all. I do have romantic feelings for him so this may be why I'm trying to "save" him. I want what's best for myself naturally but I also want him safe and happy and drug free.

I think you just help by being a positive influence, not getting too involved with his addiction issues, just letting him learn how to live and enjoy a relationship that is healthy, where you do healthy activities and things together. I mean just treat him like a boyfriend, and not like a sick boyfriend who needs help. You said he had been clean almost a year, so he is doing something right. Like any guy, if he isnt ready for more then the reasons are his own you know. Then you decide if what he can give fits in with what you want, or how long you want to wait and see you know.

Do you think nsa sex is a healthy activity? We were friends first and that came later, I worry if we keep having sex it might mess with his recovery. And as someone else pointed out, the sex is no longer nsa for me since I have feelings for him. I don't want him to feel like I'm coddling him because he's "sick" but I also don't want to downplay his accomplishments. Where is the middle?

I dont know. If he has been there for you in your darkest hours, and you have been friends for a long time before the NSA happened, then do you think it is really NSA for either of you? It sounds like there is real feeling and friendship there. He may not be ready to announce it, admit it, or head for more though. But what do you want? I mean do you go out to dinner, watch movies, talk, or is it all just NSA now? Are you wanting to move in together, get married, have kids. Maybe that stuff is too much for him to think about.
guys arent ready for lots of reasons. Probably you should figure out your feelings and what you want and can accept from him, and maybe talk to him. This is part of life you know dealing with people and relationships. If he cant deal with it, or even talk about it, then he probably isnt anywhere near the place where you are in terms of commitment, and the future. Im no expert though. Never dated anyone in recovery. My husband has a drug problem and is going to be going to rehab. He wasnt using drugs when we got together though.