Yogagurl

I am in the process of moving out of my home and I'm very close to my husbands family, however, the family members are HUGE enablers to him. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to kindly remove myself from being tied in them? I have already refused to help my mother-in-law pay a bill on behalf of my husband.

I have found that, in the past, his family has been the source of money and I have been the errand runner for whatever the situation warrants.

Thanks for feedback in advance. Love and light to you all!

BeavsDad

Sounds like you have a good start.

If you need to be kindly, just tell them exactly what your boundaries are and kindly enforce them.

interrupted

With my own family I never really had a conversation about my new direction - my actions and responses did that for me. Just like you declining to help your MIL, I stopped involving myself in their affairs, even when asked. Initially, I lied and said that I didn't have money, but as I grew in my recovery and my decisions became more comfortable to me and felt right, I started to be more open. I started to politely say that I wasn't comfortable sending any more money, I wasn't comfortable having someone "in early recovery" as a guest in my house, etc.

I never set up any sort of official discussion about it because to me that invites negotiation, and I wasn't negotiating anymore. My actions did the talking for me. There really wasn't anything more to it than that.

Now my mom never asks me for money to bail my sister out, and my sister never asks me either. Occasionally more recently my mom has started asking me for advice about what I might do. I see this as a really positive step (hopefully she is beginning to see there is another way?) and I answer honestly with what decision I would make in the same situation and why. I talk more openly about my recovery in these times, and I try to channel Kindeyes, FaithLove, and EnglishGarden in loving acceptance of where she is at in her journey.

Keep letting your actions speak for you; if and when you do put words to them, make them kind words, and never compromise your recovery.

jerect

I didn't politely remove myself... When I filed for divorce I emailed my MIL and told her why I filed and sent her pictures of her sons bedroom and all of the drugs I found... I did this in part so that his parents would know the truth of our situation and so they could make the decision to continue to enable or not.. I then just completely cut ties with them.. That was hard but I had to start putting myself first again and since their son was no longer going to be part of my life, neither were they.. I was making a clean break for a fresh start..

Ann

"I am dealing with very serious issues of my own right now, so you will understand when I say that I cannot take on one more thing from anyone?"

Say it, write it, remember it, repeat it often if necessary...and then do it..and do it again and again word for word until they finally "get it" that you are taking care of yourself. Or do it once and change your number.

That should just about take care of it....we can hope.

LoveMeNow

Lol, I love it!!! Now that is some good ES&H.

How about....I am not dealing with serious issues right now, so please tell it to some one else! Thank you!

irisgardens

I am going to print that out, Ann, and put it in big letters on my wall!

Kindeyes

Having and holding boundaries is a true way to show love and compassion. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean.

There is no need to punish a mother for her enabling of the son she loves.....but there's no reason for you to participate or enable the enabler either. It's ok to say no. And "no" can be a kind word......it's often all of the unnecessary words after "no" that takes it into the realm of mean.

You've been close with his family and it would be nice if you could continue to share a good relationship with them regardless of the outcome with your husband.

gentle hugs
ke