Kandi25

So, I confronted my mom two weeks ago about her addictions, and instead of dealing with them she chose to move out of my place. She went to stay with my brother. I have been having a lot of guilt over practically making her homeless, but know this is what needed to happen for my sanity and my families safety and happiness. She called me today and wants to know if she can come stay with me for a day or two while she looks for a place over here and gets some things situated. She swears she is not taking anything, and that she is having her doctors switch her meds so she will be out of Adderall. However, she is a notorious liar and tends to say one thing and do another. This is the first time I have ever confronted her over this problem, so I am really torn on what to do.

On one hand, I feel like if she really is clean and trying to take care of herself and get into a place, then I should help her for a day or two. I don't think that is enabling, because she is doing it herself, I am just lending her a place to crash for a day or two. On the other, I think it is strange that suddenly she needs to leave my brothers, and I am worried she isn't telling me the full story. What if she comes and then they won't let her go back there? Then I will be forced to put her out on the street? She also has a history of not following are rules with our children, and I am just now getting my two year old back on track from the bad habits she has pushed onto him.

I feel like even if I tell her my concerns she is going to tell me what I want to hear, and I will have no idea whether or not she is telling the truth. If she is, then it seems cold hearted to say no. If not, then it is going to cause a ton of more problems and conflict, and I am so done with all of that. I feel like either decision is going to be a lose lose here. I hurt for her, and I want her to get on her own feet. She has helped me so much the past two years, how am I supposed to say "No, you can't spend the night here for a day so you can get your things in order". I know her problems are her problems and I shouldn't make it my responsibility, but I feel like there is a difference between taking on her problems and giving a lending hand. Guilt ridden isn't even the word. My stomach hurts just thinking about this conversation.

Please help me.
~Kandi

lizwig

Hi Kandi, could you have a conversation with your brother to see if there is more to the story? If he believes she is truly working on herself than perhaps let her stay but make it clear it's for a couple of nights and you would prefer not having to ask her to leave again. These are my boundaries....if you can respect them then you are welcome for a couple of nights. You could also plan it for days when you will be off work so you can plan some fun outings and make it a positive encounter. If your brother says she is causing havoc there...then that should answer your question. Tough balance.

cynical one

Are you in a position where you could afford a couple of nights stay at a motel/hotel near where she is looking for housing/job? Or maybe you and your brother could split the cost?

Kids need routines and stability. Your son is just settling in on the new routine and I just don't think it would be good to upset it again. Plus, for you...asking her to leave the first time was really hard, doing the same again is just going to be even more so.

KariSue

You took the words right out of my mouth. Just what I was thinking!

Kari