HopefulmomtoD

Well, I only started driving him around once he started working on recovery (and he was away at rehab/sober living for nine months of it) but it was several months of driving. Except for a few rides from his sponsor, I helped him get to 90 meetings in 90 days. I'm very happy he is driving now, that's for sure!

pravchaw

I agree, you seem to be making the right decision.
My son is still paying off his college debts. I told him that I will pay for his tuition only if he passes. He did not.

He still has a $10 K grant coming to him if he gets into 3rd year. I don't think he will go back this fall. His life, there is nothing I can do about it.

Another thing - college loans cannot be wiped out by bankruptcy (at least in Canada). So unless they are serious in getting an education, no point in pushing them.

Carrots

Student loans can't be wiped out in the US either.

I really have no idea if I'm making the right decision, but her tuition is less than her rehab bill. And, she wants to try. We have to support their efforts to try for positive change, right? If she's going to use shes going to use. She knows exactly who and where and how it all works here in Los Angeles, it might not be harder in college but it won't be any easier either.
I'm sorry your son is turning down free money and a chance to move forward. Try to do something nice for yourself. Take your wife out to dinner or a movie? Be kind to yourself- you are an amazing and loving parent. Your sons are fortunate to have such committed parents.

bluebelle

How about paying for her to go to a local community college? The tuition would be less, and she could demonstrate her willingness to work hard. She can get a very good education at a cc, and can transfer to a 4-year college after getting her associate's degree.

If she wants the university experience, she can get that after she has proven that she is ready for the responsibility. I knew several people in college who did just that. Their parents saved money, and it gave them some time to mature. Going off to a university is a huge challenge in the best of circumstances.

pravchaw

What bluebelle says makes a lot of sense. However its really their choice. Some kids thrive in a university environment. We owe them an opportunity, then its up yo them. Let them find out themselves.

Carrots

Bluebell, because of her tuition waiver going to a community college isn't really cheaper. And, frankly I feel she needs to be away from home. Away from the crowd. Away from her parents. If she's serious about recovery there's meetings and support groups and counseling at college and in the town she will be living in.

If she uses, she uses. Whether she's home or there, I have zero control. If she uses in college and her life becomes unmanageable, she will have consequences. She can't come home until she goes into recovery. If she uses at home at a local college, her life will take longer to become unmanageable and we will have to kick her out again.

Best case scenario- she finds new people who value education and starts to really see her potential future; and finds new hobbies beyond parties and low life's. Hope for the best prepare for the worst.

DJ0822

My own counselor reminded me to be sure to allow myself to envision a positive outcome for my RAS when he was finishing his second 30-day inpatient rehab and moving to an SLE. We as parents have been so traumatized by our addict kids that we understandably focus on what ifs when they seem to be trying to recover. I believe addicts suffer from a greater than normal self esteem issue, so it's helpful that we demonstrate through our words and actions that we believe they can succeed. Obviously, with firm consequences in place for what OUR reaction will be if he/she is unsuccessful (I'm not suggesting being a doormat), but sincere, positive reinforcement is needed, whether our kids are 5 or 25.

My 23 year old son is clean about 7 months living in SLE. He is truly a different person, and I thank God for giving me the courage to step out of his recovery, but silently applaud it from the sidelines. It is his not mine.

Carrots

DJ0822-
Such great advice. Thank you.

I'm doing pretty good at "intellectually" stepping out if the way for her to go to college, but still getting all up in her business way too much here at home. Your words are great reminder and encouragement to step out!! You are so right. There's so much trauma and fear for the parents, it's so easy to just go back and stay there.

Powerless, no control, you can't save them, take care of yourself, be supportive of recovery. Lather, rinse, repeat.

bluebelle

I've done both. I went to an out-of-state college at 18. I graduated from that program. Currently, I'm getting another degree at a community college.

You're right. It's up to her. Wherever she is, she makes the choice.

In terms of limits until she leaves--I feel that it is your house, so your rules. Just make sure that you will follow through with what you say. If you are giving her rules in order to try to enforce some control of her behavior, it won't work. I guess it goes back to your intention. Are you attempting to control her? Or, are you setting boundaries for your household?