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Old 07-17-2013, 12:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I am a codependant.


I am a codependent.
And I have been so all my life. For I am a daughter of an addict and now, a wife.
In my adolescence I vowed to make a life of my own, free from all the lies, the drama, the heartaches, the heavy burden in which drugs inevitably always bring.
I was successful for about 5 years. I washed my hands of my Mother and all her ********. I washed my hands of friends who fell to the wake side of drugs. I married a man who lived the straight and narrow and then.. I got bored. So I sabotaged it all.
A few years later I met my now, husband. Immediately I was attracted to him, almost drawn to him. He himself is addictive.
There were red flags popping up all over the place that I just turned a blind eye to. His hot temper, his addictions in the past with heavy drugs like Heroin and Meth. He smoked cigarettes like a chimney and was in your face about his pot smoking and his over indulgence in the party. He lied about silly things and often. His massive amount of financial woes and debt. Right off the bat we were at odds. I hated pot. I loathed all things drugs. Despised cigarettes, and dreamt of a 'leave it to beaver' type of life. We couldnít have been more wrong for one another. He tried to quit smoking, he said he quit smoking pot which I debunked pretty fast as I was raised around marijuana and could easily identify someone who was high. He would Lie and I would cry. Off and on we were for years. But something always brought us back together. Eventually, after years of fighting and protesting I caved into that life style. I began smoking on weekends while drinking and that soon evolved into a full fledge habit. Then I tried smoking pot and that too escalated. Then it turned into the one thing we had in common.. the one thing we could do together. We actually enjoyed each other.
Now, after 8 years of a very tumultuous relationship, we are married and have a beautiful baby son.
Last July at 8 months pregnant I found out my husband was addicted to pills. I knew he would take a loratab here and there if a friend offered.. but, I had no idea it was something he was doing regularly.
The epiphany started when he began complaining about his neck. My grandfather recently underwent back surgery and my sweet little grandma offered my husband a few loratabs to ease his pain. My husband then began asking me to ask her weekly for more. My suspicion and concern rose. I made him doctors appts with chiropractors, physical therapist and eventually a surgeon. My Grandfather couldnít stomach the opioids. So my grandmother gave me a huge bottle of Loratab for my husband to have. I am talking 50 pills.
I gave them to him and asked him to please use them sparingly. A week later, I found the bottle and it was gone. He assured me it was due to the pain. It was for no other reason. Foolishly I believed him. He went to a surgeon, they said he has few trouble areas and offered to give him steroid injections and recommended PT which he never did.
One evening, I found an empty bottle of oxycodone. Prescribed to him by a doctor I didn't recognize. Immediately my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. I got online to my insurance company and began looking at all the explanation of benefits. And there it was, in black and white, proof. My husband had been doctor shopping. Multiple doctors and multiple prescriptions all from different pharmacies all right there under my nose. I overlooked them all when they came across my email because I was pregnant and going weekly to the doctor, I assumed they were mine. Then I found his hoarded mail. Anything sent to him, he hid. Trying to prevent me from finding the EOB's
Then, inevitably as it goes, the more I dug the more I found. This had been going on for years. Not the doctor shopping but the pills. He got them off the street mostly.
All of the sudden it was all so clear. How could I have been so blind? I had always prided myself in the fact that I was an expert addict spotter given the childhood I had with a Mother addicted to pain pills, meth, heroin, you name it.
But, I missed the mark here.
I kicked him out. Demanded he go to rehab, which he did for two short weeks. As our babies due date drew near I begged him to come home and to work through it together. After the baby I was so fixated on him that I didnít have time to concern myself with my husband's problems. At times I had suspicions and would kindly ask, but he assured me he was clean each and every time.
Fast forward one year later... We are at my grandparents eating dinner. Husband reaches in his pocket to grab his cell phone and out falls a pill to the floor.
Of course he minimized it.. he lied.. he tried to make excuses..
I'm heartbroken. I feel so foolish. I can't believe a word his says.. and do not want my son to experience even an inkling of the things I had to witness growing up under the wing of an addict.
He insists it was a onetime thing, suggested I drug test him.. but.. this did something to me. I lost all respect for him. I lost respect for me. I can't change him.. but I can change me. I can do that.. and protect my son from this kind of pain.
In hindsight it all makes sense.. why we never have sex. I mean, never. His moodiness. Why he never has money. The list goes on and on and on.
The hurt this has caused is indescribable. Growing up, the person I should have felt safe with, I should have been able to trust, the person I needed the most to be there was too high, too caught up in her addiction and lied too many times. And now, as an adult.. I am back in that same cycle.
I have cried wolf with my husband one to many times. I have kicked him out and begged him to come back and my pride cannot bare that again. I am taking my time trying to decide if I should end my marriage or accept that this is what is.. I have to know in my heart it's over. I have to accept it. I have to be ready to handle it with grace and dignity. And I have to do this outside of the heat of the moment anger.. which although it's been almost a week since I found out, the anger is still very fresh.
I border line hate him. I think in my heart, I know the answer, it's over. There is nothing left of a marriage. There is little love. But.. the hope.. though minimal is still there inside my heart. Maybe it's not hope. Maybe it's some desperate pathetic longing to just once, matter more to someone than drugs. Just once to be more important than their high.
I am hoping by sharing my story.. I can get words of wisdom. Advice. Anything. I'm so lost. So angry. So hurt. So confused.
I do not want to be a codependent anymore. I want to be happy, loving, strong, accepting, forgiving, baggage-less woman.
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You will get plenty of support here. I am glad you decided to take care of yourself.
You wrote:"But something always brought us back together. Eventually, after years of fighting and protesting I caved into that life style. I began smoking on weekends while drinking and that soon evolved into a full fledge habit. "
Are you addressing your addiction, if not do you have a plan to quit?

One suggestion I would make is that you check out Nar Anon. It is a twelve steps program for friends and family of addicts with F2F meetings and it will really help you get grounded and give you tools to move forward with your life while working on yourself.'
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I have not quit smoking, no. I easily put them down as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Then after I had to quit breast feeding I foolishly had just one.. which turned into many.. and now here I am. I am planning to quit, most definatley. I want to be free from that so badly. Right now.. I am so stressed with what to do in regards to my marriage I don't think I could handle quitting smoking. I know how that sounds. Excuses, excuses. I will. No question.
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh cigarettes!!! I thought you meant smoking pot or something else LOL
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Old 07-17-2013, 01:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Oh.. no. I am sorry I wasn't more clear. I did start to smoke Pot with my husband and did so frequently before the baby. Now, post baby I have smoked a few times when the baby has been at his grandmothers etc.. I feel pot is no more harmful than alcohol. I know that many of you will argue this point. I have just seen far more negative reaction from alcohol than I have ever seen from marijuana. But.. as I once felt.. a drug is a drug. And as the language of a codependant I sold my values to mirror his.. Its not something I am proud of by any means. It is hard however being in the situation as mentioned in my first post, thats all we can do together.. thats the only time we actually get along.
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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longing to just once, matter more to someone than drugs

there is one person who can love as you wish to be loved, never let you down, and keep your life addict/drug free........and that person is YOU.
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Old 07-18-2013, 07:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you Anvile. I need to remeber and live that.
I wish I could reach a point where I could easily just let go and find the beauty in it. I wish that whatever this little seedling of hope is... would go away. I don't think he will ever change. I know I want more from a companion, my sons father. Im so tired of the way things are.
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Old 07-18-2013, 07:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
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that "hope" that the OTHER will change can be dangerous....it's usually accompanied by the thought that if ONLY they would <<fill in the blank>> all would be well. if THEY would quit, if THEY would get help, if THEY would get better, then almost by magic OUR life would be perfect.

take a good hard look at the person you have given the control over your life's destiny to. and then begin to take back your power. drive your own bus, hon.
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Old 07-18-2013, 07:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
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You are so right.
Why is it so hard to get in the drivers seat and just drive... without looking back in the rearview?
I have called a divorce lawyer 3 times.. to hang up each attempt. I vowed to love this man til death, through sickness and health. I thought we could get through this together.. I foolishly thought that once our son was born my husband would get his priorities in line..
but, I was wrong. Every night as we are together as a family I keep repeating the same thought.. I don't want my son to grow up and think this is the way a marriage works, that is how a man treats his woman. No affection, void of any real love.
Im depleted.. every day I give and give and give.. only to have him take and take..

I can't understand what it is I am doing. Why I am allowing this to continue on..
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Old 07-18-2013, 08:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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PEARL JAM - REARVIEW MIRROR LYRICS

I took a drive today. Time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
But I'm not about to give thanks or apologize
I couldn't breathe. Holdin' me down
Hand on my face kissin' the ground
Enmity gauged united by fear
Supposed to endure what I could not forgive...

I seem to look away. Wounds in the mirror waved
It wasn't my surface most defiled
Head at your feet, fool to your crown
Fist on my plate, swallowed it down
Enmity gauged, united by fear
Tried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw things, Clearer
Once you, were in my...Rearview mirror...

I gather speed, from you f*cking with me
Once and for all I'm far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...

Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you...Rearview mirror
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