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I just dont know anymore!!

Old 07-17-2013, 03:01 AM
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I just dont know anymore!!

I am glad I found this website!!! I have been talking to my case worker and my mom (who is a therapist/social worker) to find out info about dealing with an addict, and they couldnt help much. My boyfriend is a addict and I am running out of ideas.

We have been together around a year and have been living together, only a month after dating. When we started dating I was a drug user also, but was never addicted. I got into trouble and my mom kicked me out, so I moved in with him. Not even a month later of moving in I realized he was an addict.

So within one month I : 1. Get my drivers license taking away 2. Get my car taking away 3. Have to push back an extrea year before starting college 4. Cant work/ So have to rely on my bf and my child support check. 5. Move in with my boyfriend and have no where else to go 6. We are both bipolar and then the big part finding out he is an addict.

As soon as I realized he was an addict I wanted to leave, but i had no where to go. I have dated other people that were addicts but left as soon as I realized. I tried so much stuff to get him to stop, but I know people dont change unless they want to. And today he told me he doesnt have a problem with being an addict, its me that has a problem.

I am very paranoid about money, so this relationship is stressing me out and I often just think I should end it. He lies to me about money all the time.

About 5 months of dating he desided to give everything up and he did for a while. He slipped up on time on his choice of drug and when I came home I new it as soon as I seen him. I found his stash(without him knowing) I went into the bathroom and called him as soon as he walked in it was in the toliet. I gave him a choice it was either me or drugs and he choice me. Well after a few more months he started smoken marijuana and it progressed fast!! He went from using occasional to hanging out with people everday to smoke, then not even 2 weeks later he is spending alot of money.
After me complaining so much and me explaining he cant use any type of drug or drink, because he is an addict, he said he was going to quit and give me all his money so he can learn how to save. About two weeks later he smashed the safe open because I wouldnt give him no money to buy drugs. He ended up not buying non well at least not untill a week later.

This weekend after him relapsing again, I give up. I have no life, my whole life is right now is trying to help him. So he isnt trying, why should I keep on. I dont go do stuff with my friends or sleep any where without him, because he pulls that I might relapse if I am alone card. I cant miss out on my life because of him. I also can start working in october and school in jan, he has to learn. I just turned 18 and this is not what a 18 year old is supposed to be doing!!

I let him do this weekend, but he didnt do it infront of me. But istead of o he is up to something let me go stop he or preach to him, I have so much less stress. He even has his money and put it some where and didnt tell me. I have a feeling he will get bad off again, but I just dont know what to do anymore!!!!!
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Old 07-17-2013, 04:44 AM
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I have no life, my whole life is right now is trying to help him. So he isnt trying, why should I keep on. I dont go do stuff with my friends or sleep any where without him, because he pulls that I might relapse if I am alone card. I cant miss out on my life because of him.
You are on the right track figuring out that you will have no life at all with him. Take a read around and you will see that you cannot make him get clean, even if he says he cannot get clean without you. Bunk! Of course he can but he has to put actions behind his words and do a lot of work to get clean AND stay clean.

It sounds like your own sobriety is at stake here too.

You may need to think of where you want to be one year from now. You could take a job, work for a year and return to school, or you could just learn to take care of yourself and not "need" anyone else for financial support. With that comes freedom and it will help you make better choices and stop dating people with addiction issues.

You are worth so much more than this, you have your whole life ahead of you. It's up to you to sink with him or go forward on your own to new beginnings while following your dreams.

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Old 07-17-2013, 04:59 AM
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"Please don't go! You're my only chance of getting clean!"

Means:

"Don't go! When you try and help me it makes me angry because I'm oppositional, which I can use to justify being an addict!"

If you leave, he's more likely to come to the right conclusion and get clean. All addicts are scared of having a normal life. It's the right thing to do though, for both of your sake.
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:00 AM
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My mom says I date people that have a lot of problems, because I want to help them. And its true I like to help everyone. I have to start school in Jan, since I am bipolar I dont do well with out structure, after a while I will get manic . Best part of it all is I am going to school to be a social worker/ therapist, because of my need to help other people. And I tell him I cant be with an addict and him using drugs while I am in school for that or working as a social worker. And I question if I would ever want to have a kid with him. Even if he did drugs of my knowledge and didnt bring it around my kid and I let him around my kid I can lose custody. I know that since he is an addict it is something that he will have to deal with for a life time, my mom has the same degree I am going to get and she helps people all day long, so when she would have to come home to a bipolar teen ager she shut me down, I wont want to hear him.
And he does say that alot: I dont want to feel normal, I dont like to have to think thats why I do drugs.
Past month or two I was trying to explain to him that you choose if you want to become an addict and yesterday he finally said it. Over half the people in my family are addicts and I have an addictive personality, but my family was very open about our history and heard what they did to get drugs. So when I did use I knew I had to be very careful and dont lose control. He knows about his family addiction history also, but I dont think he knew as much as I did.

And about me being clean, at first it was because I moved in with him and was worried about momey, but then when he started to get clean and want better, I realized well I been clean and I cant do drugs if he is an addict so I stayed clean, witch is good anyway.
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:13 AM
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I also would not have stayed with him, if I knew he was an addict. If I could have left when I found out I would have. But i have to rely on someone financially because I dont get my lisence back untill october. If I lived close to the city I would walk to get a job but I live 4 miles from the city. I was just about to get back on track with my life before him and everything got messed up just from one night.
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:46 AM
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Paige
There are places that you can go (often in cities) that will help women who need to get out of a bad situation. These places won't be the Ritz Carlton but they will provide a place to sleep and food so that you can get a job and begin to support yourself.

Have you talked to your Mom and told her that you're clean and sober and need some help getting out of the relationship? Is she willing to help you?

Perhaps a girlfriend who might help you for a while? If push comes to shove, you can continue with your game plan and hopefully be in a position to make some changes in October.

I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. With continued work on your part, things will improve. You like to help people and that's great......but we must always help ourselves first if we are to be of any benefit to anyone else. You can't improve the situation of someone else who doesn't want help, but you can always help yourself.

Take care of you.

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ke
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:59 AM
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You are on a sinking ship and you need to get into a life boat and paddle away as fast as you can. You can always go back for survivors later……….meaning if he ever does decide to get clean and work a strong recovery program and has sobriety under his belt for a long while you can meet up with him again and see where you both are in life.

Don’t try and save him, he’s not a believer of recovery and he may never be. If there is any one person in all of this that needs savings it’s your CHILD. You need to put that child first and advocate for a safe living environment.

We all think we have no where to go but we all have to let some of our pride go and reach out for help to friends, family, community services and any other program that could help you and your child.

Put as much though and energy into your child’s life as you currently are into HIS ADDICTION and you’ll be amazed at the things you will be able to do for YOU.
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Old 07-17-2013, 07:22 AM
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Paige, There are several things I would like to touch on here:

My mom says I date people that have a lot of problems, because I want to help them. And its true I like to help everyone.

Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum on codependency? The is a great book called Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie most libraries have it.


since I am bipolar I dont do well with out structure, after a while I will get manic
I also have a diagnosis of bipolar and know all to well what mania can do you don't have to reply here but are you on medication ? Stress doesn't mix well with people for many reasons but as you already know it is a double edge sword for you

What are you doing to take care of you and try and prevent the illness from spiraling?
You and I know how important that we do take care of us...

As, you are seeing you can't save him only he can you can help yourself however guard your sobriety, watch your symptoms with the bipolar and figure out why you date the same type guys if you ever need to wanna talk feel free to pm me I could have almost wrote this post with a few exceptions years ago.

Focus on you your worth it.
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Old 07-17-2013, 12:36 PM
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I don't have any practical advice to offer, it's been covered pretty well, but I do have an observation.

If it feels like you don't know how to do this:

Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Put as much though and energy into your child’s life as you currently are into HIS ADDICTION and you’ll be amazed at the things you will be able to do for YOU.
that's probably because of this:

Originally Posted by Paige95 View Post
she helps people all day long, so when she would have to come home to a bipolar teen ager she shut me down
It sure doesn't sound like you were taught to put family first, much less yourself.
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Old 07-17-2013, 04:00 PM
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I also would not have stayed with him, if I knew he was an addict. If I could have left when I found out I would have. But i have to rely on someone financially because I dont get my lisence back untill october. If I lived close to the city I would walk to get a job but I live 4 miles from the city. I was just about to get back on track with my life before him and everything got messed up just from one night.
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Old 07-17-2013, 04:03 PM
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I dont have a kid, if I did he wouldnt even be allowed to see my child even if it was his. The places over here is hard to get into, they wont take me. My mom offered for me to move back with her not to long ago, but I knew how my mom is and if i went back over there id get kicked out again and this time have no where to go! My mom has a habbit of throwing me out, the first time I was an out I was 13. I used to be really out of control I have all kinda metal health problems and the past few years I have been fine. Not ever really manic or anything and I have alot going on. At 14 and 15 I was throwing my self on the ground and screaming and felt like I had no control over my body. I dont need medication no more because that true bipolar these lil mood swing arent anything!!! But i do take meddication for add and it helps me not me rational.

I explained to him today that I am not dealing with it anymore and if wants to keep on doing what he wants I will do what I want and not anything negetive. And when he falls off and doesnt grow up, get his priorities straight, and starts getting bad again, I wont even say nothing I will line me up a place to live and one day he will come home from work and me or all my things wont be here. So he is a little more understanding.now since he isnt on his drug of choice aand can function for the past few month but he still cant smoke marijuana because he over does it and blows all kinda money and he is replacen one addiction for another and will just end up doing other drugs
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