Yogagurl

I called the cops on my AH last night because he refused to let me sleep in his tweaked out frame of mind - he came into the house at 10 PM and turned on all the lights while I was trying to sleep. I needed to get a good nights rest because I'm scheduled to work overtime today and needed to be in the office early.

After he finally calmed down from his high, he asked me for the keys to my car and money so that he could go get some more dope. I refused to give it to him, so he pitched a temper tantrum and turned the volume up in the living room, refusing to let me sleep. This is NOT the first time this has happened, maybe the 20th.

Side note to story:

My AH had the insurance taken off the car that he was using to prevent him from being able to drive to get drugs. Ever since, it has been a constant struggle with him asking to use my car and driving him where he wants to go. The other day, he asked me to bring him by a friends house and ended up getting crack while he was there, lying the whole time. It wasn't until I got home that I knew he had drugs.

So, continuing with the episode last night, I unplugged the TV to prevent him from disturbing me any longer and he started throwing things - he broke the clock on the wall and the remote control. So, I called 911.

This morning he sent me a text letting me know that I'm a piece of sh*^ and that he wasn't coming home. He says that I don't love him and that he can't believe that I would put his life in jeopardy like that (it's very possible there are outstanding DUI's with his name on them and that he could go back to prison should he be convicted). Additionally, he mentioned that his mother is going to be very upset with me for calling the cops.

Maybe I can get some sleep tonight. That's all I wanted in the first place.

Any feedback would be appreciated, similar experiences, etc. I'm exhausted, at work right now, went off hardly any sleep. I feel he is trying to manipulate me to feel like I'm a bad person for calling the cops.

jerect

You shouldn't feel bad for calling the cops at all.. Don't you have a right to get a good nights sleep and have a peaceful environment to relax in???

He's just quacking... Unfortunately he probably will be home later.. My ex used to feed me that line all the time.. I'm not coming home tonight and unfortunately he always ended up coming home because he had nowhere else to go.. If he's driving around without insurance then that's against the law and he's not only putting you guys in danger of a financial disaster he is also putting someone else at risk too..

ACOAHappyNow

I hope he does go to prison soon because his life would probably be saved that way and much more importantly YOUR life would be saved!

You poor thing! I hope you will be free of him soon because your life depends on it.

Yogagurl

- I love that expression. Thank you for your feedback. I've never stepped up like this before and it felt GOOD to stand up for myself for a change.

- my AH made the comment that he would be staying with his mother, however, she has told me in the past that he is not welcome to stay in her home because she has an infant.

I'm thinking he's blowing smoke and I'm not lucky enough for him to stay away. I'm just afraid he's going to destroy my property.

Kindeyes

When we begin to change our behavior, the addict steps it up and their behaviors escalate as they try to control us. We talk a lot in recovery about how we try to control others (the addict) but we speak very little about how the addict tries to control US. It's a two way street. A deadly tug-o-war each trying to control the other.

Quacking, making threats, telling you what other people will think, telling you that it's all your fault......those are all ploys to keep you in a FOG (using Fear, Obligation, Guilt). If he can successfully make you afraid (for yourself OR him), make you feel as though you aren't living up to your obligations, or guilty for "causing" something to happen to him.....he wins. Because that will keep you in the dance of addiction. It holds you tightly to him on the dance floor. He is in control.

You stepped off the dance floor by calling the cops. He didn't like it....so what. You did a reasonable thing to take care of yourself. Good for you!

The dance of addiction is essentially a relationship dynamic. The old saying....nothing changes if nothing changes......is so true. You did something different. When we take care of ourselves first.....the dynamic changes. It has to. But the addict will pull every trick out of the book to pull you back on the dance floor.

We are as predictable as the addict. Our actions and reactions are right out of a handbook. When we begin to change those actions and reactions, we become unpredictable and the addict doesn't like that. They like it when we're predictable. Addiction likes us to be predictable.

You did fine. Who cares if his mother doesn't like that you called the cops. Who cares if he has to go to jail due to outstanding warrants. You don't own those things...they do.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

YearForMe

Finally! Whew.....

Now don't back off....

There's a new sheriff in town...and her name is Yogagurl.

YearForMe

Sometime around now...you have an appt. to speak to an attorney...correct?

Is boy wonder aware of this? If so...he might turn up the heat.

Addicts don't like it when we:

Get stronger

Change the rules of engagement
ie: how we act/react and firming up boundries

Hmmmmppppfffff........Too bad

Fandy

If he comes back and pulls the harrassment act, please do not hesitate to again call for help.
and file for a restraining order to keep him away.

he is starting to break things, his fried brain might decide its ok to hit you too.

GardenMama

An order of protection is what it's called in a relationship that turns abusive. Please tell your attorney, please call a women's shelter hotline and get resources ASAP. I am so glad you called the cops. Now, as others have said, don't back down. BUT PLEASE, be safe. He's a scary and irrational guy right now. Protect yourself, Yogagurl! Tell all kinds of people what he is up to--friends, professionals, therapist, lawyers. Keep it documented.
Does he have a key? Change the locks or stay somewhere else if there's any chance he can show up.


I hope you get some good rest tonight.

Carlotta

Depending on your State, you can actually file for a TRO (temporary restraining order) for DV at the police station even if it is late at night, they will call the judge on duty (there are judges on 24/7) who will issue it immediately.
You then will have to follow through the following week to have it issued as a permanent one in County court.
As far as his mom goes, let her change her tune after a few sleepless nights with a quacking tweeker.

Save his texts and print out copies too, it could come in handy in the future. This is one instance, where I'd say not to block but to document.

Edited to add: Sending you courage and a big hug!
I have been exactly in your shoes except that the drug was alcohol, having a jackasss keeping me up all night when I had to work, then him breaking furniture, hacking them with a machete, having to call the cops. It ended up ultimately (after an attempt at strangling me) with him punching me while I was on the top of the stairs and I felt backward. This is when I filed for my TRO and got rid of him permanently. It will only escalate so get rid of him NOW.
I know the anxiety, the fear which starts in your guts. Try to stay in the moment when you start panicking (maybe stay at a friend's tonight until you get the locks changed).
When fear overwhelms you, breath in deep and make an environment check about YOU not him. Where are you now? At work. What are you doing? I am at my desk at the computer. This is the reality and the now. Focus yourself that way until the panic leaves.

Kindeyes

From a standpoint of advice.....THAT was some good stuff.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

Additionally, he mentioned that his mother is going to be very upset with me for calling the cops.


ooo, so what is big tough guy gonna do, sic his mommy on you? my mommy is gonna be soooooo mad at you.

you did the right thing. now it gets a bit tricky since addicts are both predictable AND unstable....he will NOT go quietly into that good night...he will try threats and manipulation. he may even whip out the Baby i Love you So much I would Never hurt You schtick....promises to change and all that. don't worry, he's just reading from the invisible script.

stay on the alert. change the locks? keep your phone handy at all times. stay safe.

Yogagurl

This is where he goes with his argument, like I shouldn't be standing up for myself because his mother is going to be upset with me. His exact words were, "You wait till my mom finds out. She's not going to be talking to you for a while." His mom is the kind of enabler that sneaks him money behind his fathers back and pays his bills for him. She'll never stop doing it. I reached out to his sister not long ago and asked about the relationship dynamic between his mother and him and his sister got VERY defensive. Note, she has gotten his tools out of the pawn shop and basically picks up where his mother leaves off. It was then that if finally hit me: I'm alone in this. The only people who can really identify with me are the ones who are in recovery, here on SR. His mother and sisters are way to involved with protecting him from himself to ever let him take responsibility for his own actions.


Unfortunately, I am the one who will have to leave. The house is leased to my husband, though there isn't a contract between himself and the land lord. AH says that he's leaving, but he's not because he doesn't have anywhere to go. This means I have to find a place to stay. I'm working on that right now. Last night, I laid in bed and prayed for safety. I got an invite to a friends house tomorrow night who is going to talk to his roommate about having me stay with them a while AND I can bring the dog. God willing, it will work out. I'm reaching out to church members too. Maybe someone can help me from church.


Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your advice. I'm SO sorry to hear that you were ever put in harms way!! I can identify with the fear that you speak of. It's what drove me to call the police last night. Also, documenting, yes, good point. I erased the messages that he sent this morning, even though they were not threatening that's a good point. They were more just very offensive. I'm worthless, etc, etc, etc.


- thank you!! I'm going to be alone tonight and confirmed with his boss that they would not be coming into town. This will give me time to get some clarity. I have aged so much in such a short time. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Rest is SO much needed right now. I can hardly think straight anymore.

After just one decision to stand up for myself, I can feel the shift within me. It's on now.

amy55

Don't ever feel bad about calling the cops, the situation warranted it. Hate to say this, but if you didn't, it would just show him how much you are willing to put up with, then he will keeping taking it further and further.

I also agree with the TRO. You have a police report. You didn't say if your AH was still there when the cops came. But, anyway, you have a police report.

A person does not have to be physically injured to file a tro. You can get it just based on the fear that physical abuse would have occurred, and that you fear for you life, or being physically hurt.

Now with the TRO, I will assume that you would be able to stay where you are for now. This will give you the time to pack, and get a place to stay, and to also leave safely.

Also, some states do consider domestic abuse when filing for a divorce. So this would also be good documentation for that.

Just beware ----- Not to make you afraid or anything like that, but be prepared for his reaction when he is served the TRO.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to you. I spent many nights like that. Take care.

Edited to add: Just like drug addiction, and alcoholism get progressively worse, so does abuse.

YearForMe

Brass Cojones.....You gottem Yogagurl.....

LoveMeNow

Go YogaGurl go. Find yourself and your inner strength and be the person God meant for you to be.

We are all cheering you on!!

OneNightAWeek

I think I read where he uses crack cocaine. Im glad it worked out safely, but I dont think you should have engaged with him if he was high. When my husband was snorting coke there got to be a point in his use where he was no longer my husband but seemed almost insane over getting what he wanted. I would get a restraining order if he is violent, and I would not engage him just to keep yourself safe.

amy55

I totally agree with this, but I am going to take it one step further. Once they start getting physically aggressive like that, I don't care if it is coke, or meth, they could also have an undiagnosed mental illness. Throwing things is violent, and it is physical abuse.

I think you already saw that he has 2 sides to him. One can be very nice, the other one, you can look at them, and there is absolutely nothing in their eyes at all, a blackness, just anger.

Keep yourself safe.