irisgardens

21 year old daughter has been a heroin addict for 4 years now. Her boyfriend is a long-time heroin addict and drug dealer and she is 'in love'.

she went out of contact on April 7th...and I used her facebook account to contact some friends there who were friends with both. several got back to me and helped me know that she was probably with abf and i returned to the states (hubby is working abroad in his home country), found work, accepted that her siblings had closed their doors to her and myself (although not hubby), and went to look for her in the streets (in the past two months) during the weekend.

her abf left a message today and let us (hubby, who let me know) that she is in sf, won't be in contact as she doesn't want to be judged and told us that they are ok, making it, and said he loves her unconditionally and wants to earn hubby and my respect.

sent message back...sending unconditional love, offered to meet in the city and to get them a meal. i do not give money or anything material. they cannot stay with me. i am starting over in a new job, a new apartment (staying with friends as kids wouldn't receive me), and hubby is finishing up work commitments in Chile before returning.

we hit bottom financially...and have spent 16 years with the older three kids who all did drugs or alcohol and who we let hang on way too long...taking...and now they are all fine...and too busy and i am good with that. hubby is still on the line...but just letting go, letting God.

kind of don't care anymore....oh...maybe that is detachment.

i am working my program daily...and it is good. lots of peace, enjoying life, and refusing to take on the feelings of others. i know that i am enough and have taken hard steps to get here over many many years.

was the offer to meet and buy them a meal ok? i don't want to enable, but i want her to know that I love her unconditionally, although I cannot love her to death by providing money, sympathy, or other types of enabling (no phone, no place to stay, etc.).

i am very strong, having done tough love with two previous teens who are now functional...although they still drink (with friends). I need to focus on my job and taking care of myself.

Set boundaries with hubby last week who was being all emotional and pulling me down...as I know that I will not be lifted when I hit my bottom...or when I am worried...and it led to a lot of family drama...and I am simply done with that.

I am being there for my daughter in the same way I was for my other 2 daughters...tough love and not giving them what was bad for them or enabled their addiction.

This is the first one who has gone out on the street, but it was her choice and she is an adult.

I could use any stories or experience with where I am right now...suggestions on what, if anything, I could do to be prepared for if she should show any willingness to do something for herself.

I continue to work my program and hold firmly to that.

wicked

irisgardens,

offering a meal is okay to me.
and i agree that doing a phone, or giving them any money is a mistake.
I just can't do it, if I waver at all, I think about being a contributor to their illness,
and that stops me. Cold.

Not perfectly, but working my program,
and it sounds like you are working yours.
Keep it up and you are getting good thoughts from me.

Beth

Ann

Iris, I think I would leave the whole thing alone. She's not asking for your help and it may lead you right back into the darkness of living in her addiction rather than your recovery.

That said, all the information you are getting is coming from other people, her abf mainly, and I think I would like to hear this from her personally. If she is in trouble or needs help, she may not be able to tell you if others are speaking on her behalf. It's a dangerous world she lives in and if she were my daughter I would want to be sure she is making her own choices here and not under the control of an abuser or worse.

My heart and prayers go out for you and for your family. It's hard watching someone we love self-destruct.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I honestly don't know. I always did what my mother's heart would allow me to do......sometimes it was the wrong thing.......but it was what I could live with. But I worked hard toward doing a better job of taking care of myself. We are all works in progress.

During the crazy periods of my own "issues", my daughter (her brother is the addict) pulled away from me (detached) because she was tired of the drama I allowed into my life via her brother's drug use (and my crazy codependent behaviors!!). She did it to take care of herself and I respect her for it. She showed me the "how to" when it comes to detachment and letting go with love and I am very grateful to her for that. (Since I have been in recovery, our relationship has healed and we are very close.) I had to come to the realization for myself that I was in the process of sacrificing ALL of my healthy relationships in the effort to retain one very unhealthy relationship with my addicted son. I finally got to the point that I just wasn't willing to do that anymore.

Looking from the outside in......leaving your husband in another country while you come back to the states to chase down and find your addicted daughter who doesn't want to be found.....spending your weekends looking for her......feeling hurt and dejected because your other children don't want to be party to that......communicating with her addicted boyfriend.....I understand it.....but all of that doesn't sound manageable or healthy.

None of us do this perfectly. It's not possible to perfectly detach, live and let live, let go and let God. You need to do whatever you need to do. I have learned from my own recovery that others can't tell me how to recover......I had to learn that myself and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way (some doozies). But through it all, I had to do what my mother's heart could handle.....and it wasn't easy for me (or the people who loved me to watch).

My son is currently in recovery. Our relationship is healing. But it didn't happen until I hit a point of detachment with him and accepted that he was living the life that he wanted to live. I let go and stepped out of God's way. I have no idea if he will continue in his recovery. It's not mine to handle. But I know that if relapse happens, I will need to detach with love and let him live his life......even if it kills him. Those are hard words for a mother to write.

You and your dear daughter....your husband....and your entire family will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Katiekate

Yes

my nephew was a heroin addict.

I met him a couple of times over the years.

I never regretted it.

Never gave him money, only a meal and conversation.

Never regretted it.

irisgardens

Hi Kindeyes and Ann,

I understand that my story is a bit confusing...as it started 16 years ago with my oldest daughter (actually 23 years ago when my 2 month old baby died of SIDS and my Dad had a massive stroke six months before and I was the primary 'compassionate care' person as no one else in the family but him 'did' hospitals or that kind of care), now 34, with a child of her own who was 16, doing raves, ecstasy and cocaine. Had no idea, but did tough love with her...and there started the saga. It included a family intervention through the tough love organization, my own family of origin detaching as they are too religiously perfect to even acknowledge drug use as anything but a mother's issue. The only thing we knew when we started was that she was cutting school, piano lessons and threatened suicide when we confronted her. Drugs and alcohol didn't even enter into my head as I didn't drink and was in deep denial about the 'users' around me all my life.

I detached, did the tough love, therapy, education as much as I could with alanon and therapists, etc....hubby followed along with tough love...she stayed connected to the family...all the younger siblings, including her younger brother and sister who were in the 12 and 7 year range were impacted, but things came together....she is fine...it took 8 years for her to come around which happened when she had her little boy about 3 years ago. We are close.

As I started to learn, I started to understand that I didn't know more than I knew and based on the therapy that we did and tough love and reading...started to understand addiction better, but I still didn't drink and didn't have a lot of awareness about it...just was really put off by it...so spent my time getting into 'my stuff' and figuring out why it was such a taboo subject for me and why I hated contact with the topic.

Although son (her younger brother) was into sports and pretty much ok at the time...he later became a binge drinker and to some extent is one today...but married and happy and healthy with his job and his life, her younger sister started acting out at age 9 and kept going through therapy, early drinking (we didn't know until her freshman year), oppositional behavior, and crystal meth at age 16...spent her junior and senior year in rehab (thank you God we had it), and we chose to have her in the home...although her youngest sister and brother were by then 9 and 7, respectively.

Our whole family did a lot of rehab and counseling...although again, hubby and I were the only ones that went and did the work...she had the younger kids hiding pee tests and covering for her and telling a lot of secrets to them...again...we didn't know...we didn't learn that part with the older daughter. Although we knew she was on drugs, we didn't know which one, but she rapidly escalated until she was on crystal meth...and that involved two separate hospitalizations for hallucinations and again, the therapists, alanon, hospital/healthcare support group and rehabs did it...she moved out before 18 with her boyfriend and his mother from rehab, and came back home a 1 1/2 years later when she had had her twin girls...went to college and lived there while getting through college.

I stayed home (left a large corporate job in order to be closer to the younger kids and to 'repair' relationships with the older girl and to be there for the 6th grade middle daughter) with the younger two from age 5 and 3 (now 21 and 19) and did everything I could to keep them happy, healthy, and away from drugs...but to teach love for the sister who was using and was not doing well. Again, this was with weekly work with a therapist, so did not make this up or do it all by myself.

They both seemed quite healthy until the youngest girl had social issues in high school at age 14, we were up to our necks in alligators in living with the extra daughter and 2 grandgirls...and had a lot of contact with older son and daughter as my husband is hispanic and this is part of extended family values. I adjusted to this and worked with his system.

We also gave her counseling (as we did the others before her) and as we learned more...we did more family time, gave the professional health needed, we helped both sides of our family over a long period of time, and stood by my mother as Dad went through 11 years of living after a massive stroke I 'woke up' to the fact that my parents were probably 'high functioning alcoholics' and had been since I was at least 11 years old...and that my husband's father was an active alcoholic when he died but had been a binge drinker before that...my husband has been a binge drinker since I met him at age 16 (he was 19 years old)--South America does not have the same beliefs about drinking as the United States culture.

The middle daughter moved out at 18 (still using)...we were able to come awake enough (through massive work over the previous 4-5 years...with her (dad and I) and with myself (myself and experts)) to report her using after the final pee test when she came home from final rehab was dirty and it was 4 days before her 18th birthday. The only thing we could get her on was grand felony theft which had been discovered only 4 mos before and (missed the previous two years due to us being totally busy and, to use your language, crazy--but that was a lot due to the 2 rehab meetings a week and 2-3 pee tests when she wasn't in inpatient rehabs and accusing me of being crazy and being believed...at which point I left her there, told the management they needed to work on their program, she couldn't come home without a contract and they ended up revamping the whole program by the time she did her 2nd stint in fall of senior year...and it did not leave parents vulnerable to being judged as crazy by the addict in the asylum.

Well, fast forward...when she moved home, she went to school, went out a whole lot and left the two grandgirls with us and this youngest daughter through much of her high school. By the time the youngest daughter was a senior...we had had her in counseling for 4 years, had her seen for depression and diagnosed, I was back working (for the previous 4 years as the recession hit in California and hubby's construction business went down as well as house was foreclosed) and so primary breadwinner...and although I knew she wasn't ok...again, didn't know it was drugs and no one else in the family knew either...even the previous drug users.

At 18, I have come to believe (middle of her senior year) or before...but well hidden...she used...she escalated even more in the summer after senior year, but we didn't figure it out...and when she went down south to community college...she immediately hooked up with a long time heroin user and has been 'lost' ever since...although we didn't know it at first. We did a pretty good job of detaching after her first detox that Christmas...I couldn't see the 'high', but could tell something was wrong, and took her to hospital for a detox.

Well, it has gone downhill from there...so for all I know...you guys are completely right.

The thing is...I did not abandon either one of the previous daughters and whether or not they are willing to be accountable for their actions (they are not--for them it is as if it never happened...and they are putting up good boundaries for themselves...and I applaud them), I know that hubby and I did a lot for them...and a lot...according to our extended family values...and already figured out that no one from my religious family was going to support me...and let it go...and in South America...this type of behavior is an automatic cut off from family as well...for whatever reasons...so out of both families have 1 person on each side that 'prays' which is appreciated.

In addition, we moved to South America for hubby to get job and he is working there, but I had the last year without a job due to recession in California and in April, a job opened up. If I had kept a job last year...would not have gone...as we need to start over financially...not just because of the addiction (although that was part of the extra costs over 13 years) but due to two recessions in California that decimated the construction industry and he is a contractor.

I am an accounting professional and manager (30 years) and was able to stay employed most of the recession although it has been really tight...so I need to cover us with my work as much as I can so that we can now prepare to work as long as we can before retirement. In addition, hubby decided he doesn't 'like' South America anymore...his family was not close as they had been on previous visits, there are significant cultural differences that makes the US more desirable to him (38 years here out of his 62...he didn't realize he had changed so much)...and I accommodated. If nothing else, I am flexible.

As with each of the previous daughters during their active addiction, I am in support groups (Parents of Addicts related, alanon, naranon, and when I have the money saved from new job...will do the therapist route to keep myself sane...as family continues in major denial around all that has happened...so I do it to remind myself I am sane); I was exhausted last year when I left the states with just too much on the plate family wise, daughter in bad shape even though she went to Chile for 3 months and detoxed...was not willing and my idea to leave her there (they are much more understanding of parental rights to help their children) did not happen as hubby was unwilling to deny or hide her passport...and I was still here.

No job for either...I went, helped him start up his business there...got him rolling on the business side, helped him get the initial job...and now he has two active projects...and needs to finish...but as he doesn't want to stay, it is short term...it took him a long time to make up his mind...as he doesn't make up his mind easily, but finally decided that he was miserable being so far away from kids and grandkids and realized that social security (at age 62) would only allow him to live there without money to visit kids and grandkids here.

Aside from the frustration of supporting him emotionally while he tried to figure out what he wanted to do (I committed 39 years ago -- when parents made me bring him here to get married...I was only 20 and underage there so needed parental signature...to support him when he was ready to return), I was re-inventing myself as an English teacher, slowing building my own business and was well on my way to make things work...as long as he was satisfied to live there, make much much less...spend US prices or more to buy anything (it is quite unbalanced) and have no $ income except for social security which as a contractor was low...with me having several years left before I need to retire, job market and skill sets and maturity welcomeness willing.

So, in effect, hearing from them is good...as I now know she is ok...she is manipulating and that is a given...he is definitely manipulating...but after 2 previous kids...and their consequences gone through as they have both dealt with having kids with an unsuitable partner (their decision--not mine...I just detached and was nice...and stayed out of it) and also letting them deal with their drama after age 25 which was a compromise between Chile values for hubby where kids stay at home through college, job and through getting marriage and mine as a north american where kids leave home for college at 18...and continued work with alanon, going 'no contact' finally with drinking mother who basically went toxic on me after Dad died and I wasn't useful anymore...and taking other large steps...as well as I don't give money...haven't done that since oldest daughter was 15...the business going down was a great way not to have money to enable...and we have cleaned up all the past business and house foreclosure stuff...

My point is, ladies, that although I might seem crazy...I see myself as a very competent and able person who has actually gone through tremendous stuff and come out pretty well. I have learned that I need a good and positive support group around me...am capable of both intellectual and emotional problem solving, realize that addiction has no solution by me...but have mainly be able to love my addicts with good solid detachment...except that moving to Chile gave me the opportunity to really let some of my deeper codependency issues out again, to realize that I had to go 'no contact' with remainder of family of origin...they are all into business and only business...so the emotional side doesn't really even register.

My husband is from a hispanic, emotional culture, and I have developed the ability to be there for him without losing my balance in business...although that has taken many years and also detaching and letting go of a lot of stuff that ultimately just wasn't my problem, still isn't and nothing I can control, cure, or change. My mother is in that bucket. I came close on my husband as he went completely down the tubes in Chile, but has now agreed to see a doctor for his depression, is not drinking as he had returned to doing when he went down to Chile 1 1/2 years ago...as it is a very huge cultural habit for the men there...especially when they retire.

He has decided that he 'can' get a job even though in Chile he is considered 'old' and would not be able to get one. He is faced with either running his own business there (as he did here before it went down in 2010 and that we wound down and cleaned up without owing almost anyone...declaring bankruptcy and letting the house that backed up his construction financing go--one of many who went through the same thing, but he took it hard and from his chilean personality rather than american) or working here...either for himself or for someone else...fortunately, the construction industry has started to make a comeback...and hopefully he will be more willing now than he was 5 years ago (when we knew that we were going to lose all) to look for an outside job rather than insist on retirement).

He is an active person and needs to stay active...I am an active person and need to stay active. We did go on overload, but I would say from a multitude of things...work, family (continuously for 20 years working through emotional issues caused by children), and the trauma of a mother who literally cut me out of her life at the age of 72 (after I had been her emotional right arm (Dad was her primarily and I was her secondary--primary for the last 11 years of his life...as he had a major stroke) for a lifetime, but she didn't need that anymore with Dad gone...and was able to have all the fun she wanted and she has and I am happy for her...and don't really care if I see her again in this lifetime, although it took me a lot of work to get to that point.

Who wants to be the point person in any family or generation where they only come to you when they are down and out or have problems...so the fact that two kids have set boundaries and are using Mother's language (she had a mother with dementia from a father who contracted syphilis...and clearly never dealt with her own stuff...generational but she projects on her two daughters...taking turns...when Dad died...it was my turn...and sister turned too...but it was a lifetime pattern...so once I figured it out...I basically don't care...I did suffer though in working through what it took to figure out).

Well, a novel, but I am doing so much better...and I love my job, love having money to save, love that I have disconnected my bank acct from hubby and the construction business that kept coming in to 'take' money without me knowing what was spent, love having my daughters and sons on their own (even the 21 year old) which happened when the youngest left home in December and is doing well, receiving support from older siblings and working and getting ready to go to school.

All of the older kids got lots and lots of special attention, counseling, help and assistance from parents in their areas of need (older son was a soccer fanatic and went to a Division 1 school and enormously demanding club soccer and tournament schedule while in high school which we supported as a family and helped with financially, the two daughters got help with their addictions and support for positive lifestyle adjustment periods, the youngest son got help throughout with his ADHD and need for tutoring and learning disability counseling, and two youngest granddaughters got lots of grandparent support and assistance along with being loved and 'watched' when mom not available due to her school, heavy duty social calendar as she worked out her 18-26 year old social times and has matured).

We had an apartment to share with the daughter and granddaughters for a backup plan if Chile didn't work...but she decided that she was 'too crowded' for me to return...although we all lived together for 6 years...in the home and in the apartment (that my money was the security deposit on and still is...and my and my hubby's name are on the lease) and hubby (who has been majorly codependent with the oldest and middle daughter and the second child who is a son...and the last one...but threw in the towel on this one...due understandably to his own state and no money left...but still...threw in the towel and gave up on...including no recovery, no support...although he did it (after resisting with the previous ones).

Oldest son has always been the hubby's prince as he fulfilled his personal unfulfilled dream of playing division I soccer and becoming a professional...and has had unlimited attention from hubby over all the years of his life due to this (it's a south american thing) and youngest son is a jokester and very personal and charming...like hubby...so they get along well with the joking, etc. and the two oldest daughters have been princesses (also a south american thing).

I have done the scut work of standing in with support during the 'stormy adolescences' as the therapists call them and drug use...and I don't regret any of it...as they have come through and are functioning well...even if they all still drink. I detached from all of that...but had a major codependency relapse in April when I realized that once again, the family was going to turn their backs on the addiction issue and that this time, so was hubby...and I didn't have any savings or financial resources left to work with. So I reached out to my therapist friends (yes, they became friends...and found a few who were supportive and helped me find a new path...as this is the worst of the addictions experienced yet).

I found a job over Skype (that is really a HP miracle...nobody in accounting interviews through Skype, but my recruiter was willing (long time people person friend) and the person who hired me was and is innovative and loves computer) and when I told hubby I would only stand by him where he was...in Chile...and was going to turn down the job interview...he came out of his working to manipulate me into taking the job (because I wasn't doing well there) and asked me to take it.

My son and daughter called me crazy and my son, at least, was serious...and since he used the same words that 'grandma' started using when daughter #2 was a crystal meth addict and I asked her for support...I simply let him go. Men are not very good at emotions, but he also went to grandma's house for Thanksgiving and Easter...as an adult he had that right...and he made his choice...I briefly called Grandma when I was overwhelmed in Chile---whole new culture...nothing the same as here...and I hit bottom and was scared and she used identical words for me...and also has been calling me a drug addict because I went on antidepressants when daughter #2 was on crystal meth...am told that it is very likely genetic...and have depressed women on both sides of the family...but mother is NOT, let me repeat, NOT depressed...she does NOT drink (hides in soda bottles, etc) and I am crazy...and I am just done...so cut that link off.

My hubby repeated that I am not crazy, but did not stand up for me with two kids...and probably never will...chilean men don't do that from what I learned there...so I am doing what I need to. He is actually a #1 when compared with the average chilean man...and so I am lucky...and realized that some of the things I considered 'weaknesses' were completely in line with his culture and that the women in Chile are stronger than the average bear to keep up the facade that men are all powerful, etc.

My hubby has been great...for the most part...and I have worked this program to help me to adjust to certain differences in cultural norms that were just 'normal' for him. Don't think I could explain it if I had to...but the trip to Chile to 'live' gave me the opportunity to understand his culture and how people dynamics work there...family, friends, etc. He expected extended family values as when he came 38 years ago...but that is breaking down in today's society there and he found that things are very much as they are here...so that was a good wake up call...although the loss of his illusions was big for him.

Well, I know I write too much and explain too much...but for me...I am doing so much better...I finally set boundaries on hubby's 'poor me' thing last week which he has done all my life...but I can't carry him every time he is down and then he doesn't have to belly up to his own stuff...he actually came through...but he was very 'victim'ish' about the boundaries...and it has taken me lots of work to get him to 'face up' to what he is about and needs...for this next phase of our lives...empty nesters (recently), need to work as long as possible (like many of those our age), and need to take care of our own health (glad I have benefits again after not having since February, 2010).

I thank all of you for your posts...sent the message...and probably won't get a response back due to the manipulation. However, SF is a small city and I will go on Saturdays to try to find her...will not let it interfere with my work or the work I am doing to keep hubby going until he finishes his work down there...even told him he could dump the work if he couldn't handle...that made him buck up and go get some medicine and make that appointment with the doctor (me...I've had my health on priority for many years now...but the continued stress and crises stuff have always been there...now...just said no...and for some reason...my mind will not let me take on anybody's stuff...and that is so welcome and healthy).

I hope that I am able to tell my daughter I love her and that we are here and that when she is ready to make her decision to help herself...we look forward to her having a better life for herself. While I was gone, she was kicked out of two homes...one the apartment we had an agreement with the middle one to share with her and we were going to pay a share of the rent, but she was kicked out and verbally abuse...which was not the right thing either...and once after four months when her brother and his new wife told her that she had to be out by 1/1--as they would only allow her to stay for four months and she relapsed during that move...and the family was not available to assist with her move (which I know can sound like enabling, but is something that her dad and I have done for all...so it was not a very supportive assistance that she received, but we cannot complain as they did take her in and it had to be on her terms).

I have been able to recuperate my own mental and emotional state enough to start to study heroin use and the best approaches to rehab...when she makes a choice. I am working with other parents who have been in contact...to figure out the best approach. I am now getting a 1 bedroom apartment for hubby and I...so she cannot stay with us...I was pissed with daughter #2 for taking advantage of agreements made and then breaking them, but what do I expect from an addict who never really did the recovery work...even though she was exposed to it?

Well all...thank you for your patience. I understand all of your points. I know that I have to be careful to take care of myself. I can honestly say that in February and March...especially when hubby started 'feeling' worried...but wasn't really...but triggered me...I was desperate and in full relapse. I have started doing my twelve steps over...and again...at a deeper level...let the final grieving of mother go through the system, consulted with my therapists (now friends) who opined that they believed that a lot of my emotional situation was the mother grieving (I was a mama's girl until the day I was 45 and was so close to her...although learned that apparently she wasn't close to me...so it took me a lot of time and work to get through).

Hubby is doing much better since I set my final boundaries...and I had to go all the way with him...but now he is happy with himself...it has been a long and hard several months. I am fine with son being out of contact...he is very black & white and has absolutely no emotional component for me...expects me to be strong and is tight with Dad and I can't do anything about that...and Dad doesn't stand up for me...so that isn't going to change any time soon...so will spend my time enjoying myself with my own activities.

Daughter #2 got enough from me...and I went to the grandgirls birthday party on Saturday after setting boundaries with her from last September on regarding verbal abuse via facebook, cutting her off, and not being willing to go to the party without an invite. Had a great time...was a pure guest this time, complimented her on the party and gave her a superficial cheek kiss (hollywood style the way she does) and came home happy. The girls have their grandma...they are also not demonstrative...never have been...even when living with me...as 8 year olds were far more busy with friends than family...as it should be...and all was well for all.

I will continue to mull over the responses above...and see when or if things develop according to my HP's guidance rather than my own personal wants and needs.

Working my program...can tell that I allowed a lot of slippage over the past 4 years...as I enabled hubby with business loss, daughter #2 with grandkids and her own irresponsible behavior, and son with his pretty constant (as a personality has never really supported his siblings, but wants his nieces to love him...so puts up with his sister's behavior...and that is all his choice) lack of support for me and taking sides with Dad and sisters or anyone who is not emotionally capable...happy that daughter #1 is caring and loving and I am proud of her as she goes through her own hard stuff, but maturely as she deals with her own unsupportive and non-financially producing partner and is ready to make a change now instead of going through my own long story.

Enjoying feeling healthy and light...wow! it is good. I was so afraid of being alone when going through all of this, but it is a good time in my life...and hubby seems to be coming along through the empty nesting (he is more emotional than I...so I have to take the practical road) and I am finding that my friends in both Chile and here are wonder, fulfilling and spiritual...and that I need to be surrounded with these people and in these groups to thrive and grow and enjoy even more as the years go by faster and faster.

Love myself today...and happy. Thanks to all...God Bless...and realize that a lot of what I have written has been to process out the negative and to see the positive...and that I am SO proud of myself (obviously my HP made it possible) for staying with the work and my program and for 'letting my family and those other things I have no control over' go and letting God take over more and more...as each level goes deeper.

Thank you for caring about my daughter and her addiction...I have turned her over to my HP...and I know that things will happen as they need to.

I do like to get human experience and strength and hope too...and all of you have provided it with your own postings.

Here's to one day at a time...and letting Go; letting God.

Blessings and gentle huggs to each of you.




So, I feel that I need to see her if she wants and offer a meal.

Ann

Now leave her in His capable hands. God can do for her what she cannot do for herself.

Hang on to your faith and give her care to God.

Hugs

EJG123

Iris- Like telling my AD that I loved her, I feel better letting my daughter know that she has a standing offer for a meal or conversation. However, she opts to meet only once or twice a year. So far, she has respectful my boundaries so I am glad to see her.

irisgardens

I look at what I wrote yesterday...and am just depressed.

I feel like the biggest loser ever, but I know I gave it my best...and I got advice and I did support and I did what I could which is more than most.

Thanks for those who said the meal was ok.

I know my daughter and am pretty sure that she won't answer...you are all right about the abf talking. Sent him a message today...telling him that she needs to be willing to reach out herself.

Told him/her that my family is now broken. I am just doing my best...and I need to just feel this discouragement, work isn't going well today...can't figure out a basic task that I should know how to do, but it isn't coming...and I need this job.

I thank the 'well' ones for their advice...this is going to be hard...and I feel like a stupid idiot...and like I can't get one thing right.

I know who I am and what I can handle...and I have done way more than that in my lifetime, but I am empty.

I love those I love and don't expect to be loved back...but some words of encouragement and support sure would be welcome.

My Dad asked me to be a giver and I am...so life sucks...and I can't figure out what to do or how to do it again...so going home as soon as work ends, turning over everything (again) to my HP, saying the serenity prayer...and just going to read a book and go to sleep.

Probably just the day...it has sucked...and I realize that I am writing too much here...although that is what I am best at ... synthesizing and learning from the past...but clearly my heart is not ok with where my daughter is...nor that our family has showed no support and that my husband is still acting like a victim.

Life is hard, and then we need to take positive actions...but I simply need to rest today.

I hate addiction, drugs and alcohol. I hate denial and needy people who refuse to take care of themselves and, without me knowing it...pull it out of my empathetic nature until I am so tired.

I hate feeling tired and down like this...but there is nothing to do, nothing to say, and nothing to feel except what it is.

The work is making me take my mind off of the hard things. I cannot change, control, or cure anyone or their choices...so not trying. I asked for advice and got it...now need to pay attention and ask my HP to lead me.

I am working my program and it sucks today...but still working it.

irisgardens

Feeling better...it is good to read the ESH here and to realize that I have done what I can for now.

Felt so much better today...and thank you for the listening.

Praying now...and that is what is needed.

Like you said, God has her in God's hands and I can't control, cure or change her choices...only she can.

Just for today...I am at peace. It is good.

Kindeyes

Irisgardens
I'm glad to hear that you're having a better day. Sometimes the only difference between a bad day and a good day......is just a day or two.

I still have bad days even though my son is in recovery. I used to think "God....if only my son would get clean and sober....my life would be smooth sailing." Well, it doesn't always work that way. I had a really crappy day on Tuesday.....Wednesday wasn't a great deal better.....but Thursday was a good day......and today (Friday) I have the day off. It'll be a busy day but that's ok.

You're story is different yet the same as many here on SR. Each of us have life trauma but it can be handled. I truly believe that it helps others to understand the hardships that each of us bear. Good days. Bad days. Really bad days. And great days. It's all a part of living and we can deal with it best.....one day at a time.

I hope life settles into a comfortable routine for you as you embrace your todays....one at a time. And I'll pray with you that God will watch over your family....with special prayers for your beloved daughter as she moves through her journey.....

gentle hugs
ke