LadyM87

So I had been dating Joe (let's just call him that) for a while, I knew he had a drug problem but he was in recovery and rehab and wasn't binging the way he had been when I had first met him. There was just this undeniable chemistry between us (at least in my mind there was. Maybe I was just a fool) the way we were with one another ... we complimented each other so well. I had a blast every time we hung out. Soon though, he got kicked out of the program he was in and had nowhere to live. So I let him stay with me. I hadn't realized at thet ime he was not only addicted to cocaine but also addicted to percocett. The cocainde made him physcotic and an *******. WEll anyways I won't bore everything with the same old same old they've all heard and been through.

For a while there he was doing really good. He hadn't been snorting as much and he was cutting down on his percocett abuse as well. He was letting me, allowing me to help him. Harm reduction. He was taking smaller doses and less frequently.

I do not even know what went wrong he just started doing more and more and then the cocaine started again. He even started to do crack. I asked him what was wrong I asked him if he needed to talk and he would just say he had a lot on his mind. This man told me all his dark secrets. This man slowly became my favourite perosn, and my everything. But he goes and ***** off for days calling me randomly while he's waiting for his next fix.

I can not watch him do this to himself.

What's worse is I feel like What did I do wrong? What is wrong wtih me? Am I so awful that I caused him to turn back to drugs? Im scared constantly that he's not okay, or dead.... It worries me. I breakdown every day multiple times into tears because my heart aches. His phone is disconnected now I can not get a hold of him. Is it the best thing for me to just cut himi out of my life cold like that? Or can I keep him around as a friend at a distance?

meadowsis

You did not cause it, you cannot cure it. Period.

You did not turn him BACK to drugs, sounds like he never gave them up! You are not in recovery if you are still using at any level. Slowly reducing your drug of choice is not an option in the recovery world.

There is nothing wrong with you, he is an addict who has not quit using at all during your relationship. Which also means you probably have never TRULY met the person he is.

It is his responsibility to decide to get clean, to take the steps needed, and to maintain his sobriety. This has nothing to do with you. He has made a choice to go off and binge, this is not because you did anything in particular, its just what addicts do...he was doing it before you met him.

Let me ask you this..... If you were with someone who was sober that treated you how he is, would you stay with them? If they disappeared for days? Became an irate lunatic? Would you stay with them? Don't use drugs as an excuse for his behavior. Its his choice to use something to make him turn into that type of person. Its your choice if you will put up with it.

interrupted

This right here. We so often excuse bad behavior because drugs are involved, but bad behavior is unacceptable whether drugs are involved or not.

I encourage you to do some reading on codependency, one of the signature signs of a codependent person is that immediate love, fast relationship situation that you describe at the beginning of your post. A lot of people like Codependency No More by Melody Beattie (I have read this and recommend it) and also Women Who Love Too Much, I forget the author (I haven't read this one). Just something to think about.

As for right now, I think your best bet is to cut this guy loose and let him make his own decisions and clean up his own messes from here out. Sometimes when I have the urge to engage my family (all qualifiers), and I know that something terrible has happened and I want to answer the phone and try to fix everything, I focus on the phrase "sit through the discomfort" - because at first it is uncomfortable to not respond in the way we have been for so long, but it's much better on the other side if we can sit through that urge, and it does get easier over time.

You're not alone in this, we are all walking with you.

LadyM87

Thank you for the support.

Skydreamer73

I agree with everyone who posted! Just as he has to find the will to not use and get help on his own, you must find the will power to resist helping because it will turn to enabling before you even know it, and enabling is just fuel for an addict. It was hard to watch my AW go through things, it was hard to not help her with bills, money, etc, but it wasn't until she exhausted all her means and every member of our family stood strong against enabling that she saw the damage and got help. They are real good at giving you just enough to keep you hanging on hook, but you need to just stop fishing all together.

I just came from an NA meeting (my AW goes every day and actually enjoys me going once or twice a week and I enjoy it too) she now has about 40 days clean and so far so good, and one thing she said in one of these meetings that let me know I did right by staying strong was "It wasn't until I was broke and had nothing left and realized my family had nothing left for me that I realized I needed help before I was truly going to become nothing" We are not on easy street now, but we are surely in a better place today and working on forgiveness and new life habits. Letting go isn't easy but it is usually the best thing for you and the A in your life! Stay strong, find some quality people to talk to, find an Al Anon and just like Meadow said You did NOT cause this, you can NOT control this, and you can NOT cure it so be easy on yourself love, it is not your fault!!!! My best wishes go to you, you will find a way!

LadyM87

Thanks dreamer. I know all this stuff but my feeling aren't logical. At all. There's a Nar Anon meeting on Sunday I am going to attend. I'm so happy to read that the person in your life has made the realization. I feel with m ex he has a disease. He says all the things about hating his problem. He's gone to get help many a time but he's always given into the addiction. it hurts. I'm looking forward to nar-anon because I'm sure I will meet lots of supportive people. Best of luck to you & yours!

atalose

Sorry you are going through this. I think the more you research addiction the more knowledge you will gain and come to understand that you had and have nothing at all to do with his addiction, never did and never will.

Addiction is a progressive disease, they use more and more and it only gets worse.

You can’t control it no matter how much they ask or you offer. Cutting down on quantity and frequency doesn’t work.

It may be a good thing that his phone is turned off, detaching physically and then learning how to detach emotionally will be your job and should be your focus.

If nar-anon meeting are limited in your area I highly suggest you seek out al-anon. And it wouldn’t hurt to do some reading on codependency as well.

Hang in there, lots of us around here know exactly what you are going through.

AnvilheadII

he was doing drugs LONG before you came into the picture. and he continues to use and abuse. it had nothing, and i mean NOT ONE SINGLE THING to do with you. even his attempt to slow down....if HE had not wanted to, nothing would have made him cut back...as it was, all the cutting back did was make his obsession and compulsion for drugs stronger.

i'm sure it felt very special to be told "all" those deep dark secrets. couple things...he didn't tell you ALL of them....and coke especially makes people chatty as all get out, so it wasn't really coming from a place of honest sharing...just drug talk. sorry. its also designed to make you see him as this tragic hero in some epic heartwrending saga...another hook.

as it was everything between you was about drugs. even that "chemistry" you thought you felt. that heart pounding attraction...that's actually FIGHT or FLIGHT instinct...that rush of adrenaline was designed to give you the strength to run, far far away.

you didn't cut him out of your life...HE was never IN it. just passing thru. has other priorities. being in active addiction is akin to alien abduction....or body snatchers.

Skydreamer73

Good for you on going for help for yourself, it is all you can do, you have to make the logical choice(s) for your health and balance or you will probably do more harm then good for you and him. I too had lots of thoughts that I could help, but reality is reality. I tried a bunch of things before standing strong, NONE of them worked, but so far this has, and my fingers are crossed for both of us love!!!!!!

LoveMeNow

I "helped" my husband wean of percocets too. Funny thing about that is it had never occurred to me he had other hidden stashes. I wasn't helping him get clean, I was just helping him protect his addiction.

I know I didn't cause it but I strongly believe my enabling under the guise of "helping" helped contribute to his addiction.

I was no match for the mind of an addict, none of us are. I eventually sought help for him, which ultimately made me realize I needed help for me.

I am powerless over other people.