ERINM

I saw the red flags when my boyfriend and I started dating, but I was so into him, I figured when we committed to each other, things would be better. His addiction to pills and alcohol would be fixed in time...he wasn't happy before me, but I would show him true happiness and he wouldn't need the other things. While we were seeing each other, he used to text other girls and sometimes, I'd find that I was his second choice. I thought, hey - we are only seeing each other...that's how it goes. I pushed away my own feelings of hurt until I couldn't any longer and I asked him to make a choice. Either he wanted to be with me or nothing. He chose me, I was elated.
Sometime later he told me he was arrested for sending lewd photos of himself to a 14 year old (he was 28), that was actually a detective. He admitted that he had an entire book of women he would contact sexually online and would keep notes on their likes/dislikes, so as to make them think he wanted them. He slept with many of them. I thought, that was in the past - he will be fine with the right love, the love I can give him.
Throughout the next two years, he reached out to other women he slept with on multiple occasions...it would be about every 6/7 weeks something would happen. He tried to quit drinking every so often and I would be home with someone that couldn't go out and was usually fast asleep after work. I slept a lot, yet I was very tired. When he'd go off the pills, I was happy because I knew after of a couple of weeks we would be able to be intimate again and I missed being held and made to feel special. The good times were good, but I no longer spent time with my friends, I needed to be around him all the time and for the most part, he was the same with me. I guess that made me feel loved.
Two weeks ago, after spending the day with my father in the hospital, I went home to him and later fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to him slumped over drunk and I was angry. I screamed...look at yourself and went into the bedroom. A while later, he came in and i woke up to my bag being dumped on the floor. I asked him what he was doing and he said he dropped a lit cigarette into my bag. I was angry and I went to sleep on the couch. I noticed his phone on the coffeetable and found that he received an email from a girl he used to sext. I texted her immediately and asked her to stop texting him. The next day, I received a text from her - why dont you ask him why he asked me out to lunch yesterday and I cancelled, ask him why he sends me nude photos of himself and then ask yourself why you continue to let it happen. I snapped. My world collapsed. I sent a screenshot of her text to him and said we were done. When I came home later that night, he was at a friends home. He was very upset and I was very upset, but I thought we would talk and he would change his phone number and get real help for his addicitions. He didn't know what he wanted to do...he wanted to figure out why he does the things he does, but in the 2 weeks this has happened - he hasn't changed and my heart is broken. Why am I so easy to give up? It hurts everyday. He wants to be friends, he doesnt want to be without me and I am clinging to the little bit I have left of him, but it hurts. I got excited to see hime the other night and we slept together and I felt good...like now he'll come home, but he hasn't and I feel worse. I dont know how to stop the friendly texts because I dont want to lose him, but I am in so much pain. I dont know what to do anymore and I am alone.
I am reading all these posts about being strong, but Im not sure I have it in me. I dont want to lose him. I dont want to lose my best friend, the person I shared my home with, the person I shared everything with. I want him to fight for me - for us! Why am I so willing to fight for him? I am hurting so badly.

interrupted

Why do you want to stay with a pedophile who treats you like garbage?

I think maybe you should be asking yourself that question. This is NOT what love looks like. He doesn't want to be with you, he just wants to use you when it's convenient for him. The faster you can get away from him the better. No friendly texts, no texts at all. No contact. Continuing contact is just prolonging the agony on your side, not his, because he doesn't care. If he wanted to change he would have.

The longer you go without any contact with him whatsoever, the better you will feel. I promise. And then you can start figuring out why you allowed someone to treat you like such trash. You deserve more than this, much, much more. There is a better life out there for you, you're stronger than you think you are. It's hard at first, but it *will* get easier. We're here with you.

AnvilheadII

couldn't say it any better, interrupted.

erin, i urge you to consider counseling so you can look into your issues surrounding love and self worth. i would also suggest you go in immediately for STD testing.

ERINM

I didnt necesarily think he treated me like garbage. I don't think he thinks about consequences. He needed immediate gratification and I wasn't there, so he requested pictures. He wasn't cheating on me while we were together, just sending texts, requesting pictures.

Your responses made me cry because I know I deserve better, but it wasn't all bad. I swear it. I was happy too, that is what I miss. I miss the happy times and I dont want to lose him, but at the same time, I dont know if it will ever be alright.

I want him to come home, but i am afraid to ask because I am afraid he will say no.

ERINM

He is 35 now - the arrest, etc. happened when he was 28. Just wanted to clarify that the arrest didnt happen while we were together.

AnvilheadII

that doesn't matter in the least! he was STILL preying on a CHILD. and has since preyed on women of all kind. including you.

ERINM

I'm sorry for being this way - it is pathetic. What is wrong with me?

BlueSkies1

There's nothing wrong with you. You have loved someone who is horrible though. It has messed with your head though, loving such a person, and received such horrible treatment in return.

It hurts to let go of people we have loved, even horrible ones. It just means that you have a heart! It hurts!

Here's the thing Erin. This guy may be able to pull himself together to resemble some kind of caring considerate compassionate person, but it is going to take years, and years, and years for him to get there. He's been down this road of taking any kind of gratification that suits his fancy and getting away with it for so long, that joining the people in the world that actually care about treating their loved ones with respect, honesty, consideration, and the rest, is going to be a HUGE change for him, if it ever happens at all. It's not just one change either, as I read over your initial post. It's a hundred changes in how he perceives life, society, relationships, love, sex, addiction, honesty, and on and on....the list is HUGE. Please don't think to yourself--he will change because of my tears. He won't, I can guarantee that, because he already would have done so!

He is NOT the person you are looking to spend your life with. He does not perceive love and loyalty in the same way you do, and he has no desire to, nor any intention. This is who he is. That guy who keeps hurting you with these things, this is WHO HE IS.
You don't want to believe that is who he is. You want to believe there is a good loyal honest sober person in there and your love is going to change him into who you want him to be.
But he doesn't want to be who you want him to be, see? He wants to be who he is.
There is a saying --When somebody shows you who they are, believe them!

And also believe that you can't change a single person on the planet. Not your love, not your pleading, not your tears.

Please stop hurting yourself by believing naively that you can change him. He doesn't want to change. He likes who he is. He will lie though, and say just about anything, to keep you where he wants you to be, which is giving him sex, and whatever else he gets from you.

You are hurting yourself. You hurt yourself by believing you can change somebody else. I've done it too, I get it. I know now better. I have learned. I can't change other people. Good thing huh? Otherwise he could change you into somebody you might not like. I hope he hasn't already.
Can you hear me?

ERINM

I don't know what to say...I have never read anything that has effected me the way your response just did. I am so full of hurt and pain. I am screaming out I hear you! I will carry this with me. I will. I don't know what to say. I feel better despite all my tears. I don't know how to explain it nor do I know how to thank you.

crazybabie

Erin, You are worth so much more than the crumbs he tosses you I took crumbs of dysfunctional love for 32 years now yes we had some good years in there but there were many more bad than good I stayed married him then brought innocent children in the world with him You deserve so much more

BlueSkies1

Erin,

Don't thank me. Thank yourself if you can manage to keep clear of this sexual predator when he comes sniffing around again, and believe me, he will. They always do until they find out that you won't play their game by calmly, seriously and with conviction tell them straight to their face that they aren't welcome in your life.
I wonder how vulnerable you are to him right now. I fear probably quite a bit.
In order to help yourself, I believe it could help you to do some reading on sexual predators.
Just because he's older now, or that the arrest happened before you met him, do realize that this type of behavior is still showing up in what he is doing, his texts, and whatever else.
Also I think you need to realize you are somewhat gullible. Much more than what you know is probably going on behind your back. On this, you need to pull your head out of the sand. Just because you can't see it, he doesn't confess to it, or you're not around or in his mind to see what he's thinking, doesn't mean that there isn't a lot more than what you know.
He has no boundaries. He has no moral compass. It may appear when he comes back with a very sweet, possibly even crying and remorseful demeanor, that he is sincere. He's not.
He may not even know why he does what he does. That doesn't make him somehow innocent of doing it. It's who he is, you see, whether he understands who he is, or not.
If you take him back, 100% of the readers here would vote he is going to cause you much more heartache.
So don't thank me, thank yourself if you can pull yourself away from his wolf in sheep's clothing approach he's going to use when he shows up again.
Don't be little red riding hood believing the big bad wolf, ok? You're all grown up now, and you need to be able to recognize it when it's right in front of your face.

meadowsis

Sending positive and strengthening vibes your way Erin, I hope you can take a step forward today, and tomorrow, and keep climbing up from this hole he has dragged you into.

I urge you to seek out some help. I went to an addiction counselor initially to figure out how to handle my AB...instead I found a great therapist who understands how me and my family works (we are all addicts and co-dependents it seems), and she has helped me patch up all sorts of issues I needed to work on, for ME. Find someone to talk to if you can, you don't have to go this alone.

lesliej

Erin...remember this, if love could change the problems that we are dealing with...NONE of us would be here. you are not alone, and it will help to keep reaching out for support. I would guess that if he thinks he is really losing one of his "girls" (meaning you...) he may turn on the manipulative charm. be careful. move on. get tested.
it's better to go through the transition of heart ache for a temporary time, then to look at the years ahead spent in pain.

again...love doesn't change them, probably all of us have tried.

ERINM

I am still suffering through this...I have been seeing a therapist, but I continue to sleep with my ex, just to forget what has happened to us. I cannot stand being alone, I feel I made the wrong choice. I am so lost and I tell him so and he seems to be much stronger than I am. I will never understand why I wasnt enough...it hurts so much every single day. I can barely handle it any longer.

interrupted

I'm sorry to hear that you are still hurting. He is using you and it will continue to hurt until you can manage to break free for good.

Has seeing the therapist helped at all to start learning some techniques to improve your self worth? Sometimes we just have to fake it at first when our hearts are in conflict with our brains. I hope you will begin to see that you are a beautiful, valuable woman and you have the right to be happy and healthy, but those first steps have to start with you. You really do deserve so much more than this.

FourTwentyOne

This relationship is like a bandaid you are pulling off slowly. One quick pull and it'll be done. Sure, it stings, but it's over faster than when you try to pull slowly away.

Staying in contact with him is unhealthy; it's not helping you to move on and heal so you can go out and find a person who will love you and treat you with respect, take care of you and be taken care of by you. Staying isn't helping him either, you are not doing him any favours, you are only proving he can continue to do whatever he likes, and get away with it.

Stop calling him, stop answering his calls. If he calls, turn off your phone, go for a walk, come here and chat and read. If you want to call him, go away from the phone, hit the gym, hit the shower, sit on your hands, whatever it takes.

In a short time I think you will see that you are happier without this craziness. You don't seem to have much tieing you to him, other than feelings. Make a clean break.

You only get one kick at the can, please don't waste another moment of it on this guy; no one knows when their time on this planet will be over.

blackandblue

Dear Erin,

Take a deep breath. I know what it's like to be afraid. We all have been paralyzed by fear. Sometimes we have to face our fears head on to grow into who we are meant to be. But you don't have to do it alone. We are here for you. There are many resources out there. Al-anon has been a saving grace for me, along with therapy and discovering a higher power I could call on in times of need.

I cannot say enough about the importance of "detachment." You can read more about it on this forum and in the "stickies" section. I attached to his problems for 3 years. My life became about his addiction, his behavior, his problems, his needs, and his life. I put myself on the back-burner of life to try and "help" him and to save "us."

The irony is that there is no "us" and there never really was an "us." I realize his part in the failure of this relationship. Simply, despite all the details of lying, cheating, stealing, and abuse that comes with addiction- he was not available for a relationship.

The other irony was that neither was I available for a healthy relationship or I would have left after the initial warning signs very early on in the relationship. So eventually, with a lot of therapy and Al-anon, I stopped talking about him and how he needed to change. Instead, I changed. I am still changing. Being on my own and working on myself has been the single greatest gift I have given myself. And he has to be accountable to himself for his own choices.

And you do not have to be "alone" per se. You can choose to develop a healthy community with your family and friends and even new friends you have not met yet. For me, that community does not include anyone in active addiction and no abusive relationships. I have learned to set boundaries, to stand-up for myself, and to love myself. I am still learning. But never give your power away and you can decide to take your power back as soon as you are ready.

I am cheering for you from the sidelines. Take care of yourself and the answers will come. Read other posts here and keep coming back.

atos

I'm going through the exact same thing except I have two young children from this man. We have been together for six years and we rented his parents house as they lived in another province due to his fathers work. In november of last year, his father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and his parents had to come home to their house that we were living in. My alcoholic husband told me that he would like to stay with his parents in order to look after his father during his illness and myself and the kids had to move out. He promised me with sincerity in his eyes that once his father had passed away, we would all move back and he would be with us more often than not anyway. Not even a week after us moving out, he became very distant and disinterested and when I approached him about it, he brushed me off saying I was thinking too much. I then heard through a friend that he had met someone and was seeing her. I was devastated. I felt that after six years and standing by this alcoholic and going through the rollercoaster of insanity with him, having kids with him and being the good lil wife, I was kicked to the curb when I was no longer needed. We had always had serious issues due to his alcoholism and I fought against it constantly. I beat myself up over what part I played in the relationship and the blame was always projected onto me. He cut me and the kids off totally for four months and then when two relationships with different girls didn't work out, he came slinking back and begged for my forgiveness. By that time I had met someone but because I wanted to make my marriage work and I love him, I stupidly accepted him back, just to be dropped again last week for someone new. When I cried and asked him why, he bluntly told me that because I've been with someone else, he can't forgive me!!! I'm devastated. I've tried to explain that I had no choice but to move on because he didn't want me but he refuses to listen. I feel worthless, used, depressed and totally at a loss. I've deleted him off bbm and wats app and have no contact. Its hard because of the kids but because he's met someone new, he's not interested in them anymore once again. When he did have them some weekends, he just got drunk. I keep questioning if I am the horrible person he makes me out to be?

Shiek

This man is VERY sick and somewhere in yourself you probably realize it, so why do you want to be involved in the vortex of obscenity? By the sounds of what I have read in your post, he treats you like absolute crap like Interrupted said in their post. I think you need to talk to someone because you have addiction Stockholm syndrome I like to personally call it, you feel empathy, sympathy and everything else towards your ex, you are even defending him after ALL he has done to you, and it sounds like a lot. Do you really not value yourself enough to have a happy life? If he was your best friend he would NOT treat you the way he does, you deserve so much more than this garbage.

atos

Wow! the more I read everyone's posts, the more I realise that what you guys say, makes so much sense. We all know deep down what we have to do but its so easy to get emotional and doubt yourself when you are in the situation that is causing you pain.
I think my big thing is just trying to understand how my alcoholic can reject his innocent children for another woman?? I could never do that to them. Suppose I will never know though. As you all say, there aint no making sense of the insanity.