Having trouble moving on
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but I continue to sleep with my ex, just to forget what has happened to us
that's a complete contradiction and makes no sense. you cannot forget if you keep going back to the thing you are trying to forget. letting yourself be used for sex only HARMS you. you say you feel you aren't enough for him.....he was never looking for ENOUGH, just another woman to have sex with.
sex is not love. having sex will never get you love. as stated before, this is a very sick creepy man.
continue to work WITH your therapist. double up on appointments if need be. STOP sleeping with this guy!! being now to value yourself.
that's a complete contradiction and makes no sense. you cannot forget if you keep going back to the thing you are trying to forget. letting yourself be used for sex only HARMS you. you say you feel you aren't enough for him.....he was never looking for ENOUGH, just another woman to have sex with.
sex is not love. having sex will never get you love. as stated before, this is a very sick creepy man.
continue to work WITH your therapist. double up on appointments if need be. STOP sleeping with this guy!! being now to value yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12
I dont value myself...if I could, I would take him back, but he doesn't want me. He told me earlier he found a new apartment (was staying at a friends apt). I cant help but feel he is happier without me now.
When we are together I feel a sense of calm, if only for a little while...I dont know what to do. I know I deserve better, but I am afraid to let go.
When we are together I feel a sense of calm, if only for a little while...I dont know what to do. I know I deserve better, but I am afraid to let go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by interrupted 
I'm sorry to hear that you are still hurting. He is using you and it will continue to hurt until you can manage to break free for good.
Has seeing the therapist helped at all to start learning some techniques to improve your self worth? Sometimes we just have to fake it at first when our hearts are in conflict with our brains. I hope you will begin to see that you are a beautiful, valuable woman and you have the right to be happy and healthy, but those first steps have to start with you. You really do deserve so much more than this.
Has seeing the therapist helped at all to start learning some techniques to improve your self worth? Sometimes we just have to fake it at first when our hearts are in conflict with our brains. I hope you will begin to see that you are a beautiful, valuable woman and you have the right to be happy and healthy, but those first steps have to start with you. You really do deserve so much more than this.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Originally Posted by ERINM
My therapist and I havent really focuses on techniques yet as we are still focused on my feelings and how my father's alcholism may be contributing to my choice in men. I want to start focusing on techniques, but it is a total sob fest every time I see her.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Yes- I ditto EVE13. I know your pain well ERINM. Take it one day at a time and one moment at a time. We cannot know what each day holds. If you need to cry, cry, If you need to scream, scream. If you need to talk, talk. Call on your friends and family and let them know you need them right now. You are brave and taking care of yourself by coming to SR. The pain will pass and one day you will see that you dodged a major bullet headed for your heart. But this is not the last you have heard from him so do what you can to inform yourself about addiction and take care of yourself. Sending prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12
I have made a lot of progress, really - a lot. There was no communication and I was really getting happy again...no drama in my life. My ex and his nmew girlfrined broke up and now he emailing and texting again. I have tried to be nice and just wish him well, but he wants a "friendship". He signed up for out-patient rehab and he needs a "friend". I know what this is, but i dont know how to make it stop.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how do you think somebody else might "make it stop"?
don't read his emails. don't respond to his emails. don't read his texts. don't respond to his texts.
HIS LIFE <<big huge fat concrete wall>> YOUR LIFE.
don't read his emails. don't respond to his emails. don't read his texts. don't respond to his texts.
HIS LIFE <<big huge fat concrete wall>> YOUR LIFE.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Erin,
A game is being played here, albeit a terribly serious game.
On one side is a person (nothing more/nothing less..as are we all)
playing a card hand/chess position that says " I will abuse you, abuse
others, sexually abuse CHILDREN----and you will do nothing about it
because you are a coward and afraid of being alone."
Game theory is not always about playing. It is used at every level
up to and including global armed conflict. It is also a useful way to step
AWAY from the personal and see the REAL.
The RED teams playing position is perfectly clear. Now let's talk about
the BLUE team (Erin).We know that Erin has access to a computer and
power/connectivity to access the larger world. Of much higher significance
is she has the self worth, moxie, and presence of mind to call out to the
ether "THIS IS ********,I WON'T BE TREATED THIS WAY!"
......Not a good time to be in RED teams Command HQ----when a battle plan
that depends ENTIRELY on the BLUE team thinking it is powerless---unravels.
(see now why abusers ALWAYS,ALWAYS,ALWAYS make social ISOLATION
the absolute A-1 priority? Once it is banished......the game is LOST)
............GAME OVER
_.
_._.
(morse code for NC --no contact!)
A game is being played here, albeit a terribly serious game.
On one side is a person (nothing more/nothing less..as are we all)
playing a card hand/chess position that says " I will abuse you, abuse
others, sexually abuse CHILDREN----and you will do nothing about it
because you are a coward and afraid of being alone."
Game theory is not always about playing. It is used at every level
up to and including global armed conflict. It is also a useful way to step
AWAY from the personal and see the REAL.
The RED teams playing position is perfectly clear. Now let's talk about
the BLUE team (Erin).We know that Erin has access to a computer and
power/connectivity to access the larger world. Of much higher significance
is she has the self worth, moxie, and presence of mind to call out to the
ether "THIS IS ********,I WON'T BE TREATED THIS WAY!"
......Not a good time to be in RED teams Command HQ----when a battle plan
that depends ENTIRELY on the BLUE team thinking it is powerless---unravels.
(see now why abusers ALWAYS,ALWAYS,ALWAYS make social ISOLATION
the absolute A-1 priority? Once it is banished......the game is LOST)
............GAME OVER
_.
_._.
(morse code for NC --no contact!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12
Thank you for your insight guys...I really appreciate it. I dont know what it is, but I am so concerned with appearing mean. Even though I consider what he is doing is mean - I mean it is blatantly obvious to me that he is only trying to creep back into my life because he is alone now - and is using his drug and alcohol addictions, depression to lure me back in - he knows my weakness for caring too much. The thing is, I have drafted email responses to him that a strong woman with high values and many learned lessons would send...I am proud of them. But I dont send them. I don't know why. I am not looking to be mean or that I dont care that he is trying to really get help for the first time - that is great and I am happy he appears to be on the right path, but I just want to be left alone. He keeps pushing friendship...nothing else...which is strange. The whole thing is strange - I just wish he was still with the woman he wanted a week after i made him leave. I had some peace.
That's what I want the rest of my life to be...peaceful. I hope I will be lucky to findf a good husband and hopefully have children one day, but I just dont feel like it is going to happen for me. It causes me distress, but I try to refocus....one never knows and even if it doesnt happen...my life is pretty cool.
That's what I want the rest of my life to be...peaceful. I hope I will be lucky to findf a good husband and hopefully have children one day, but I just dont feel like it is going to happen for me. It causes me distress, but I try to refocus....one never knows and even if it doesnt happen...my life is pretty cool.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Hi Erin,
I feel for you--I, too, have been in relationships that I found it very difficult to cut off. If you want peace and to be left alone, you don't owe him a big explanation. In fact, trying to craft one might just pull you back in to all the confusion and obligation you're feeling. It could be something as simple as "I have decided that I'm better off not being in contact with you. I can't be your friend. Please don't contact me again." And then you can ignore any attempts he makes to contact you. If you really don't want to hear from him, you could even change your number. Good luck!
I feel for you--I, too, have been in relationships that I found it very difficult to cut off. If you want peace and to be left alone, you don't owe him a big explanation. In fact, trying to craft one might just pull you back in to all the confusion and obligation you're feeling. It could be something as simple as "I have decided that I'm better off not being in contact with you. I can't be your friend. Please don't contact me again." And then you can ignore any attempts he makes to contact you. If you really don't want to hear from him, you could even change your number. Good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by ERINM
The thing is, I have drafted email responses to him that a strong woman with high values and many learned lessons would send...I am proud of them. But I dont send them. I don't know why.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Crying is good. Seriously. It means you're feeling stuff instead of denying it. It is part of emotional understanding, which is a heck of a lot harder for most of us than intellectual understanding.
I was divorced at 32. I believed I would be alone for the rest of my life, that I didn't deserve anyone or anything good in life (I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, too). All my efforts at finding happiness just by doing whatever other people wanted me to do had failed. I got into therapy in crisis mode because I couldn't get through a day without an emotional wipeout. Feelings I had stuffed for so long were bursting out of me in a chaotic mess.
I stayed in therapy for five years and spent the first three of those years alone. No boyfriend. No friends with benefits. Now, I'm not going to pretend that was all by choice (I was NOT at my most attractive at the time to be sure!), but I couldn't be more grateful for having the opportunity to take care of myself for the first time in my life. To be there for myself. To learn to like, love, trust, and respect myself for the first time ever. To understand and appreciate that my value to myself does not and cannot come from someone else. It can ONLY come from within.
It was not a straight nor easy road. Eleven years later I am married to my best friend and have a happy life where I don't have to try to control everyone and everything all the time. I live everyday knowing that something random and awful could happen that takes away the things I have, the people I love, my ability to do things I love...but never the essential love and respect I have for myself. I earned that and it's mine forever. And it's made all the difference.
So I was where you are. And my life didn't end. My love didn't end. Your life is full of possibilities if you are open to them. Things may not look the way you thought they would, but the odds are they will be much, much better than you ever imagined.
(((hugs)))
I was divorced at 32. I believed I would be alone for the rest of my life, that I didn't deserve anyone or anything good in life (I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, too). All my efforts at finding happiness just by doing whatever other people wanted me to do had failed. I got into therapy in crisis mode because I couldn't get through a day without an emotional wipeout. Feelings I had stuffed for so long were bursting out of me in a chaotic mess.
I stayed in therapy for five years and spent the first three of those years alone. No boyfriend. No friends with benefits. Now, I'm not going to pretend that was all by choice (I was NOT at my most attractive at the time to be sure!), but I couldn't be more grateful for having the opportunity to take care of myself for the first time in my life. To be there for myself. To learn to like, love, trust, and respect myself for the first time ever. To understand and appreciate that my value to myself does not and cannot come from someone else. It can ONLY come from within.
It was not a straight nor easy road. Eleven years later I am married to my best friend and have a happy life where I don't have to try to control everyone and everything all the time. I live everyday knowing that something random and awful could happen that takes away the things I have, the people I love, my ability to do things I love...but never the essential love and respect I have for myself. I earned that and it's mine forever. And it's made all the difference.
So I was where you are. And my life didn't end. My love didn't end. Your life is full of possibilities if you are open to them. Things may not look the way you thought they would, but the odds are they will be much, much better than you ever imagined.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you do seem hung up on "being nice" and "being mean" - how about just being AUTHENTIC? being you from the inside out, not trying to make your outsides look like what you think others will see and evaluate?
people break up all the time, for a wide variety of reasons. it's not the end of the world. it's not the end of you. it's just a temporarily painful life event. it does not define you. YOU define you.
people break up all the time, for a wide variety of reasons. it's not the end of the world. it's not the end of you. it's just a temporarily painful life event. it does not define you. YOU define you.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Erin,
Think about how he is totally using you to feel better and how he didn't bother to contact you with his new girlfriend. You need to care more about yourself than him. Don't worry it sounds like he is really good at finding new "friends." Block him any way you can and do not undo all your hard work. trust me when I say you will be so much happier!
Think about how he is totally using you to feel better and how he didn't bother to contact you with his new girlfriend. You need to care more about yourself than him. Don't worry it sounds like he is really good at finding new "friends." Block him any way you can and do not undo all your hard work. trust me when I say you will be so much happier!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 350
Originally Posted by ERINM
That's what I want the rest of my life to be...peaceful.
I can tell you have an honest desire to make your life better and therefore, you shall make it better.
My sponsor once said to me:
"Focus on becoming the type of person who can have a healthy, long term relationship instead of focusing on finding someone who can. The healthier we get, the healthier the people are that we are attracted to and the people that are attracted to us are healthier as well."
"Birds of a feather flock together."
No more ducks!
Be as good to yourself as you are with others.
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