Up For Air

Old 07-10-2013, 07:59 PM
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Up For Air

My footprint here has been pretty light the past several weeks. Since grad school finished, I've done one business trip to New Jersey, followed by another one to Peoria, and then three days after that another one to Orange County, CA. And since I've been back from California, work's been crazy, crazy busy. But it's a good crazy busy, and management's been pleased enough with my performance under stressful conditions to give me Sox/Yankees tickets for next week in appreciation.

During this crazy busy period, my darling -- cough!! -- AXGF has married a fellow addict. Which is hilarious on a few levels, but when I bounce the idea of her being married around in my brain a bit, the primary thoughts and feeling are ones of indifference. Indifference...and gratitude.

My brain is such that I remember anniversaries of events, good and bad, right down to the time of day an event happened. This past June 24 was the two year anniversary of when she was threatening to jump off a bridge in the western part of the state. This caused an uproar, of course. Her best friend thousands of miles away was trying desperately to get a hold of her. She was ignoring my texts that night. And when I finally figured out what she was up to -- just off the highway in front of a Denny's of all places -- my reaction on the night was one of helplessness. I really thought that she was going to do it. I was a mess. Fortunately, I conveyed where I thought she'd go to the local and state police, and they found her before she could hurt herself.

In hindsight, what she was really doing was changing the subject: her behavior that week was, even by her lofty standards, f**king atrocious, and by threatening suicide, the conservation shifted from her behavior to "please don't do it, honey, I still love you." Being a raging codependent, I quickly empathized with how she must have been feeling in order to threaten suicide and forgave her the next day. She got what she wanted. She played me, and I let her.

When June 24 rolled around this year, I completely forgot about what had happened two years before. It didn't occur to me until a few days later that anniversary had come and gone. During those two years, there's been a lot of growth. Part of it is coming to better understand addiction. Part of it is coming to really understand Borderline Personality Disorder. But most of it is really better understanding myself and paying attention to the things I need to pay attention to. Which, in my case, were personal goals.

It's amazing, in hindsight, what a cancer my AXGF was...and is. In the 18 months she's been gone, I've gone from a mess to completing graduate school and then hitting the afterburners with my career. I'm living the life, at this point, I want to live. So when I speak of gratitude, I'm eternally grateful to my AXGF for showing me, exactly and unequivocally, the qualities I don't wish to see in the people in my life. I'm grateful that a person just as sick as she is has taken her off my hands. And I'm grateful that the two year anniversary of what was, at that moment in time, her most sadistic act yet came and went without me realizing it. Because, frankly, I don't give a sh*t.

If there's one lesson to be learned from this, it's that if you enable someone to manipulate you, they will continue to do so, and they will escalate until you decide enough is enough and stop it.

So, I hope everyone's doing well, or as well as they can given their circumstances. Remember: if I can fix me, you can fix you.

Good Night...
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Old 07-10-2013, 08:15 PM
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Welcome back! I noticed your footprint was missing! I always look forward to your insightful posts but am so pleased you are doing so well! Good for you! And yes...a couple of bad relationships early in my dating life taught me quickly what I would never tolerate again....and I've kept that promise now for as long as I can remember! You deserve all the good in the world. Keep after it!
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Old 07-10-2013, 08:18 PM
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Zoso, it's always good to hear from you and I am so happy that your life continues to be filled with blessings and lots of work.

My lowest point was showing up at a crack house in a town an hour away and threatening to kick in the door if my son didn't come out. That was insane and completely out of character for me. Today I look back and shake my head wondering how I could have allowed myself to get that crazy.

When we learn from the insanity and grow, the pain we felt becomes a blessing, a strangely wrapped gift, because it was "that" pain of "that" day that led us to find a better path and we both embrace life with a passion today that we never knew was possible.

Thank you for sharing the journey, you have inspired so many here with hope for better days ahead.

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Old 07-10-2013, 08:32 PM
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Enjoy the game! Go Sox!
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Old 07-10-2013, 08:33 PM
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It's always shocking in retrospect how low we allowed our standards to go.

I'm glad you are so very well, Zoso. You have worked a very strong recovery.
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Old 07-10-2013, 10:41 PM
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People come and go, but it those that help make us look in the mirror, get honest and bring growth that count. Your ex gf did all of us a favor because her actions helped bring you here.

IMO, In many ways the people who have hurt me most have taught me invaluable lessons about life and myself. Today, I am grateful for those people......from a distance.

Go Red Sox!!
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Old 07-11-2013, 06:02 PM
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Wow Zo, you sound soooooo good.

This made me smile, I realized when I was reading your post, my x taught me alot. He taught me alot of what you xagf taught you. Too bad they weren't open to the lessons we could have shown them.

That is what made me saddest I think, my x was missing so much about what it takes to be happy.

Thanks for the post, I am grateful for your wisdom

Katie xo
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:01 PM
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Congrats Zoso. I too always look forward to your posts. I've not been on here much lately either due to work and life and staying busy. For the first time since three summers ago I finally am in a place where you are (maybe haven't let go of ALL the anger, bust most). It's amazing that sometimes throughout the day I stop and realize wow, the thought of my ex pops into my head and I can honestly say I could care less about what he's doing, how he's doing, or who he's with.

When I do think about his though, instead of focusing on him, I think my God, I can not believe I actually put up with being treated that way and setting the bar so low. I can finally say I think him for one thing and that's for showing me everything I do NOT want in a man......ever. For that I thank him.

Congrats Zoso.
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:12 PM
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WOW! What an amazing post. What sticks for me (never quite made it to my conscious mind before) is this: They will manipulate you as long as you allow them to". I remember the same stuff with JJ. He ran off with my stuff and about 3 weeks later threatened suicide. I forgot all my anger and vengeance and went straight into pleaing for him to go to rehab and forgiving all. HP had a different plan though. HP put him right into Hell and he is now realizing where he was. Love your posts Zoso and you ROCK!
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