gubersbunny

My AH is really trying and going through his recovery and treatment and he has expections of me to learn and know everything I can to understand what is going on in his head and what his recovery or path to and through sobriety involves. Which I do want to have a better understanding of what his struggle really entails. But is it too much to ask for him to recognize that I have a recovery to go through to?
I'm not asking him to devote time to reading or studying anything alanon or narAnon but just to understand that I have feelings and triggers to deal with to now so I don't control or freak out like I did when he was using

jerect

From my own personal experience its best to stay focused on your recovery and your recovery alone.. By attending alanon meetings, reading alanon literature and posting on here you will gain the understanding that you need..

I was where you were at once.. I depended on his actions and reassurance to keep me from freaking out and it only made me freak out more because I wanted to be in control..

I read everything I could get my hands on a about addiction but the two books that helped me the most was codependent no more by melodie Beattie and Women who love too much by Robin Norewood.. I've read them, reread them and I'm still reading them even though he is no longer in my life...

gubersbunny

I am focusing on my recovery, which is why this came up. I issue that is arising this moment is why do I have to understand that he is an addict and recovering but he doesn't have to understand that I am a person in recovery too. From Control and chaos and fear.

I read about addiction and AA/NA and the like because rut does help me but I feel more like I'm expected to learn about him and he can just disregard me

jerect

From my experience they are not going to understand what you are going through especially if they are in early recovery because their main focus is one day at a time being clean.. That is why we have alanon and naranon to give us loved ones the support and understanding that we need at this time..

Perhaps later down the road in his recovery, if he is working the program he will come to understand what you are dealing with..but don't expect it right away.. We don't have to understand their recovery just like they don't have to understand ours.. Sounds conflicting I know but that's the way it is..

Just keep working on you..

allforcnm

Personally I don't think it is too much to ask, but maybe it depends on your husbands current emotional state. Does he hold down a job where he has to deal with other people, cope with these types of interactions? Is he able to handle the finances, pay the bills on time and deal with this stress? These are indicators of being able to handle "life" in my opinion. If he can do this, then why would he not be able to handle a moderate level of information related to your emotional state? Have you tried some joint counseling?

someoneswife

Hello,
I'm sorry about what you're having to go through. My husband is in treatment right now and the place he is at offers family therapy. Once a week I go in and just the two of us sit down and talk to a family therapist. I will say that it has really helped him understand that I have my own things to work through regarding his addiction. That this doesn't just affect him. I don't know if you have resources like that available to you guys but its worth looking into.
*hugs*

gubersbunny

Yes one night of the week I am invited to go be part of his treatment to help both sides understand. It's just all the hours away from our meetings and treatment and therapy that care rough

Chino

My qualifier is my daughter; I know the dynamic is a bit different than with a spouse

When she was in rehab, loved ones were offered a week long program. It was 8 hrs a day for 5 days. The first two days -- 13 hrs not including lunch and breaks -- were devoted to learning about addiction. We received more education than most med residents get.

The rest of the week was spent on us. Neither side participated in the others counseling/meetings, but both sides were encouraged to participate in family counseling together.

The overwhelming message was each side take care of their own business, stay out of the others, and do it with respect.

hope213

by doing your own recovery you will also learn about his. you fact is his recovery is his recovery & yours is yours. u are allowed to go to open meetings with him. keep reading around & keep coming back. hugs,

gubersbunny

I'm not sure anyone is really understanding what im talking about here. I know I am free to learn all I want about addiction and recovery. I'm not asking what to do to learn more about the
recovery process for an addict or for me. We already do a lot
I have alanon/narAnon meetings i go to, books to read, combined therapy sessions, individual therapy, online chats/forums and friends/sponsors

He has AA/NA, his outpatient treatment meetings, couple and individual therapy, books, friends/ sponsors


My question or current struggle is simple:

should the addict be expected recognize that someone like me (in alanon) has a path to recovery that may be difficult (with ups and downs just like an addict) also???

zoso77

I would argue it doesn't matter if he recognizes your need to find recovery. I don't believe, at this point, he's truly capable of grasping your desire for him to "get it", and that's because he's got to work on him if he's going to recovery himself. So, don't concern yourself with that so much, and just keep the focus on you.

ZoSo

gubersbunny

Well that's why I'm having trouble. There has been an expectation set for me to handle my own recovery and understand his without causing any issues but no equality in him recognizing that even have a recovery to go through.

Maybe it is just me that acceptance and understanding should be a two way street even if one way is moving much faster than the other

zoso77

Because, at this moment, he's not capable of what you need from him. If you keep the focus on you, this won't matter as much...

ZoSo

YearForMe

For a long time....it is "all about them" and they become self absorbed in their addiction....

It takes a long time to break that bad habit, once they are in recovery.

gubersbunny

Ok well then maybe a little understanding from others with addicts in their life would help to. Very few people have said anything not focused on the addict. Even here where I came for some support and understanding that I have needs too... Even right now I feel that I don't fit here i this community.

Maybe my A was right. All I do is make it worse by thinking that I matter

LoveMeNow

It would be nice if they did, but since its usually all about them especially in early recovery, most don't. IMO

My question for you is, if you are working your own recovery, why do you care if he understands that or not??

LoveMeNow

Every post I have read is about you. We are trying tell you.....you matter, love yourself more, and embrace self care.

Have you read Codependent No more yet? It's a great place to start your own recovery.

gubersbunny

Because right now I get in trouble for having and/or being open about having any feeling that isn't happy or positive and I'm tired of hearing people say well you just need to understand this or that about addiction/recovery. And I'm tired working my recovery and being looked down upon for at time having trouble facing the present looking at what in either had to do or chose to do to survive his elapse after 26 years if sobriety

zoso77

< sound of a record scratching >

Yes. You do matter. You matter very, very much. You matter to me, and I don't know you from a hole in the wall. Hell, I was in bed, I read your post, and I got out of bed, went downstairs, and started typing this response on my laptop.

Every day, someone finds us that's going through something similar to what you're going through. Or what I've been through. And I know that you're hurting. I wish you weren't, but I get where you are.

And here's the thing you're not grasping yet: the addict in your life isn't, at this moment, capable of what you need from him. And why would he be? Addiction is an incredibly self absorbed condition, and it takes a lot of work and a lot of time to turn things around.

In my case, for what it's worth, I came to understand that my then AGF was going to do whatever she was going to do. For good, for bad, or indifferent. That was her right. And once I understood just because she was going to behave poorly didn't mean I had to, I started paying less attention to what she was doing and more attention to me and what Ishould be doing. You know what? I got so good at that she left me for another addict.

The more you fixate on what you addict isn't able to do for you, the more resentful you will become. And that, my friend, mutates into a destructive feedback loop. You don't need that right now.

Good night.

ZoSo

gubersbunny

I guess it is me right now then because reading the posts I feel a lot if being told what to do and what to try and not much about me being understood for where I am in my recovery.
Being told what meetings/groups to look into attending and what book to read is part of what got me here to the point I'm at. I just want to know its ok to feel what I feel. Good bad or otherwise and be able to express that without judgement