New here! Just looking for someone to listen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 24
New here! Just looking for someone to listen
Hello everyone! My name is Kandi. I am 25, and I am the lone sober wolf in a family of addicts. I have dealt with this my entire life, and up until recently I felt like I handled the hard truths pretty well. However, recent events have proven otherwise.
A little history..
My father is the only outed addict of the family. Addicted to crack and marijuana, he has been to rehab 11 times. As a child, I remember going and visiting him in the different locations, thinking it was glamorous in a way. The facilities and homes always seemed gorgeous compared to the dive apartments we lived in. When he is sober, my dad is an amazing man and my best friend. It makes it so much harder when he relapses and disappears for months. He has been sober for two years, since my son was born, and has recently relapsed.
My mother is...complicated, as I am sure most mothers are. I recently came to grips that the ideal of who my mother was is fabricated, made up to comfort a child without a father. I think if I would of realized she was as messed up as my dad, I never would of made it out with my sanity. Looking back, I realize it isn't okay for a loving mother to drag her child out of bed at 2 in the morning to do drive by's at the local dealers, looking for daddy. Nor is it okay to designate said child to be watch guard, to make sure dad doesn't relapse, to make sure not to leave his side and listen to his phone calls.. I wonder where my guilt came from. My mother worked two jobs to support our family, and has an amazing heart. This makes it hard for me to come to terms that she is addicted to Adderall, pills, and other uppers. I ignored this because she just worked so damn hard. Who wouldn't need the pick-me-up, right?
Go figure, but at 17 I had become the classic cliché. I moved in with a man who was fifteen years my senior, and an abusive alcoholic. 5 years later, I became pregnant, and left him, knowing my unborn baby deserved more. When my son was a few months old, my mom moved in with me to help watch him while I worked insane hours. Two years later, and I have finally had it with the insane Addy binges, the three days awake and two days asleep pattern, the twitches and ticks and hallucinations. She moved out two days ago, and I am left feeling guilt ridden and angry. She has helped me so much the past two years, but I cannot have addictions around my son. She has spent nearly as much time with him as I have, and I know she loves him, and yet she chose to leave than seek help for her addictions. I have such mixed emotions over everything that I want to crawl under a rock for a few weeks.
Apparently, I really needed to get this out, because this turned out a lot longer than intended.. Advice would be wonderful, but honestly it helps just to get it out to someone. Thank you for listening
~Kandi
A little history..
My father is the only outed addict of the family. Addicted to crack and marijuana, he has been to rehab 11 times. As a child, I remember going and visiting him in the different locations, thinking it was glamorous in a way. The facilities and homes always seemed gorgeous compared to the dive apartments we lived in. When he is sober, my dad is an amazing man and my best friend. It makes it so much harder when he relapses and disappears for months. He has been sober for two years, since my son was born, and has recently relapsed.
My mother is...complicated, as I am sure most mothers are. I recently came to grips that the ideal of who my mother was is fabricated, made up to comfort a child without a father. I think if I would of realized she was as messed up as my dad, I never would of made it out with my sanity. Looking back, I realize it isn't okay for a loving mother to drag her child out of bed at 2 in the morning to do drive by's at the local dealers, looking for daddy. Nor is it okay to designate said child to be watch guard, to make sure dad doesn't relapse, to make sure not to leave his side and listen to his phone calls.. I wonder where my guilt came from. My mother worked two jobs to support our family, and has an amazing heart. This makes it hard for me to come to terms that she is addicted to Adderall, pills, and other uppers. I ignored this because she just worked so damn hard. Who wouldn't need the pick-me-up, right?
Go figure, but at 17 I had become the classic cliché. I moved in with a man who was fifteen years my senior, and an abusive alcoholic. 5 years later, I became pregnant, and left him, knowing my unborn baby deserved more. When my son was a few months old, my mom moved in with me to help watch him while I worked insane hours. Two years later, and I have finally had it with the insane Addy binges, the three days awake and two days asleep pattern, the twitches and ticks and hallucinations. She moved out two days ago, and I am left feeling guilt ridden and angry. She has helped me so much the past two years, but I cannot have addictions around my son. She has spent nearly as much time with him as I have, and I know she loves him, and yet she chose to leave than seek help for her addictions. I have such mixed emotions over everything that I want to crawl under a rock for a few weeks.
Apparently, I really needed to get this out, because this turned out a lot longer than intended.. Advice would be wonderful, but honestly it helps just to get it out to someone. Thank you for listening
~Kandi
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi Kandi. Welcome to the site. It takes a lot of courage to step forward and reach out. Kudos to you for doing so. I'm really sorry for what has brought you here. This is a great spot to be. Take a look at the stickies at the top of the home page. It sounds like you are establishing some boundaries with your mom. Many of us have had to do just that with our own loved ones. Others will be along soon to welcome you. I'm sorry I don't have much advice in regards to parents. My qualifier is my son. Have you ever attended any al-anon meetings or nar-anon. The fact to face support is great too. Again, just wanted to say welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 24
Hello Liz! Thanks for the reply. This is my first time ever reaching out like this, so I am both nervous and hopeful. It will be nice being able to speak freely about these things, seeing that most of my friends have no idea about my background. I've looked into Al-anon before, but thought it was only for children of alcoholics, so I never went to them. I didn't realize there was a Nar-anon until recently. I am hoping to attend one soon, but honestly with being a single mom and working a ton of hours a week, I am just not sure when I can find the time. :/ I am reading through the stickies, and it is amazing to hear how much some things hit the nail on the head. Feeling like I am not alone for once.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I can assure you that you aren't alone. I started coming to this site in January after attending al-anon for a couple of months. I would actually prefer attending nar-anon but there isn't one in my area (yet!) I do find al-anon fits my needs...just have to switch alcoholic for addict....still a very comforting spot to be. I drug myself in there....admitted I was completely powerless over my son's addiction and started focusing all of my misdirected energy towards helping myself. It has made a night and day difference. I'm sleeping through the night again and find I can be completely mentally present in my daily activities. It's a great feeling. I can still slip sometimes but have received so much terrific advice here and at meetings that I can reign myself in quickly now. So glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome Kandi....you've found a wonderfully supportive forum with people with lots of collective wisdom and experience with addiction.....although it sounds as though you have quite a bit of experience yourself!
Nar-Anon is my preferred support group (I'm lucky I have four to choose from and two have child care!!) but I've also spent time with a private therapist. And lots of time here on SR! It all helps to unravel the confusion and chaos surrounding addiction.
Stick around. Read. Learn. Vent. And share your own experience. There are some folks on here who have kept me upright when I thought I couldn't stand anymore.....we are certainly not alone.
Welcome.
gentle hugs
ke
Nar-Anon is my preferred support group (I'm lucky I have four to choose from and two have child care!!) but I've also spent time with a private therapist. And lots of time here on SR! It all helps to unravel the confusion and chaos surrounding addiction.
Stick around. Read. Learn. Vent. And share your own experience. There are some folks on here who have kept me upright when I thought I couldn't stand anymore.....we are certainly not alone.
Welcome.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7
Hi,
I too am new to this site. I will share with you that the first few times I just read other posts then one day felt like sharing. You, I and others are not alone. I have found new strength here. I still struggle in my attempts to detach myself from my son's addiction to drugs. What I have been learning is "take care of yourself". Not always easy... Like others have said here. keep reading and sharing. God bless you and your little one
I too am new to this site. I will share with you that the first few times I just read other posts then one day felt like sharing. You, I and others are not alone. I have found new strength here. I still struggle in my attempts to detach myself from my son's addiction to drugs. What I have been learning is "take care of yourself". Not always easy... Like others have said here. keep reading and sharing. God bless you and your little one
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
In addition to Nar/Al-Anon, I highly recommend looking into ACoA (Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics) groups or counseling with a therapist that is well-versed in ACoA issues and treatment. Both of my parents are also addicts/alcoholics and working through my ACoA baggage has been and continues to be a tremendously helpful and positive experience for me.
I use Nar-Anon strategies in handling my ongoing relationship with my family while working through ACoA-sourced character development issues that are at the root of my desire to control and compartmentalize, among many other very unhealthy responses.
It's sort of a holistic way of handling the various issues that come along with living with addiction long term, instead of picking them off piecemeal, I guess. I hope that makes sense. I cannot stress enough how important it is to make sure a therapist is very experienced with Nar/Al-Anon and ACoA, though, as I wasted a significant amount of time and money before realizing how important that was.
Welcome to the board, you'll find a ton of support here, you're not alone in this!
I use Nar-Anon strategies in handling my ongoing relationship with my family while working through ACoA-sourced character development issues that are at the root of my desire to control and compartmentalize, among many other very unhealthy responses.
It's sort of a holistic way of handling the various issues that come along with living with addiction long term, instead of picking them off piecemeal, I guess. I hope that makes sense. I cannot stress enough how important it is to make sure a therapist is very experienced with Nar/Al-Anon and ACoA, though, as I wasted a significant amount of time and money before realizing how important that was.
Welcome to the board, you'll find a ton of support here, you're not alone in this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 24
Thank you all so much for the warm welcome and advice! I am looking into Nar-Anon, but the closest one to me is a half hour away, which is really difficult for me being a single mom who works massive hours. :/ I am really going to try though. This is my first time reaching out like this, and it brought up a lot of old issues I thought I had already dealt with. I still have my parents voices in my head telling me that I don't have it that bad, and it makes me really hesitant to air my issues like this, because I still feel like I'm not justified and that some of you had it way worse than I did. *sigh* It does feel good to talk about it though!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome kandi, i am so happy u have found us. first off i want you to know the 3c's.
you did not Cause it, you can not Control it , & you can not Cure it. live your life, u are not responsible for your mom or any of the addicts in your family. you have nothing to feel guility about. i use to think i was a bad mom or what did i do for my son to be an addict. i did nothing wrong,he did. read around & learn all the wonderful things you can learn to do for yourself instead of living for the addict. be fair to yourself. keep coming back.
you did not Cause it, you can not Control it , & you can not Cure it. live your life, u are not responsible for your mom or any of the addicts in your family. you have nothing to feel guility about. i use to think i was a bad mom or what did i do for my son to be an addict. i did nothing wrong,he did. read around & learn all the wonderful things you can learn to do for yourself instead of living for the addict. be fair to yourself. keep coming back.
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