Brother-in-law addicted to Rx meds
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3
Brother-in-law addicted to Rx meds
My brother-in-law (BIL) is a recovering alcoholic who has had AIDS for over 20 years (amazing, right). Since then he has developed an addiction to his pain and antianxiety medications. In November he had his second stroke. Our family was very supportive after his stroke, trying to clean his house, make meals nightly, etc. He has a life partner who, while my BIL was in rehab, relapsed and started drinking and abusing drugs, etc. Family members have seemed to convince the partner to start attending NA/AA meetings.
My BIL goes to physical therapy twice a week but is lacking motivation of any kind.
On a recent visit, my BIL has begun smoking again and his house is filthy. His partner does not wash him. How much help is too much help. Is it wrong for me to not want to declutter their house when the partner does not work, does not pay my MIL rent, etc. It appears that he does nothing but watch TV. The laundry is piled to the top of the washing machine!
I feel my BIL would have the best care in a facility (nursing home) where they can monitor his drugs and properly care for him.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling, but I have taken the stand that I will not visit. I can't continue to subject myself to their lies and manipulation. Then after I types that, I feel like a terrible person. Help!
My BIL goes to physical therapy twice a week but is lacking motivation of any kind.
On a recent visit, my BIL has begun smoking again and his house is filthy. His partner does not wash him. How much help is too much help. Is it wrong for me to not want to declutter their house when the partner does not work, does not pay my MIL rent, etc. It appears that he does nothing but watch TV. The laundry is piled to the top of the washing machine!
I feel my BIL would have the best care in a facility (nursing home) where they can monitor his drugs and properly care for him.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling, but I have taken the stand that I will not visit. I can't continue to subject myself to their lies and manipulation. Then after I types that, I feel like a terrible person. Help!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am so sorry your brother is going through this and understand how it bothers you.
As long as he is capable of making his own decisions, good or bad, there's not much you can do to help him except to let him know you care and are there for him if he needs you.
My prayers go out for him, for you and for all who love him.
Hugs
As long as he is capable of making his own decisions, good or bad, there's not much you can do to help him except to let him know you care and are there for him if he needs you.
My prayers go out for him, for you and for all who love him.
Hugs
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by PASisInLaw 
I feel my BIL would have the best care in a facility (nursing home) where they can monitor his drugs and properly care for him.
that's probably true
but
most don't wish to go there until there is no other option
we are dealing with this same issue in our family
with three older family members
none of them want to be in the nursing home
but
most don't wish to go there until there is no other option
we are dealing with this same issue in our family
with three older family members
none of them want to be in the nursing home
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,745
I am familiar with similar type problems.
If witnessing things does not upset you too much, then cleaning up etc may do more good than harm. It can be a pretty fine line.
I agree with Bob re the nursing homes;really a last resort IMO.
If witnessing things does not upset you too much, then cleaning up etc may do more good than harm. It can be a pretty fine line.
I agree with Bob re the nursing homes;really a last resort IMO.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you for hearing me out and letting me vent.
I certainly agree that the nursing home is the last resort. I cared for my mother and father for two years while they were both in hospice. They passed within 11 months of each other.
I feel like a terrible person if I don't want to help clean up his house since his partner does not work. It's like trying to juggle spinning plates.
The partner has had since January to purge two of the rooms of their house. They are in danger of getting kicked out by their property management group and lose housing assistance if they don't get this taken of. I feel if he sees how much work goes into cleaning a place when it's a total mess, he make keep up with it. I work fulltime and my husband works 10 hours a day and it seems fruitless to continue to care for the house when his partner watches TV and plays video games all day.
You would think my BIL would get bathed and feed better when his partner is not doing these other things. I think his partner overmedicates him with his Xanax and oxy.
My husband works 10 hours a day and it seems fruitless to continue to care for the house when his partner watches TV and plays video games all day.
I certainly agree that the nursing home is the last resort. I cared for my mother and father for two years while they were both in hospice. They passed within 11 months of each other.
I feel like a terrible person if I don't want to help clean up his house since his partner does not work. It's like trying to juggle spinning plates.
The partner has had since January to purge two of the rooms of their house. They are in danger of getting kicked out by their property management group and lose housing assistance if they don't get this taken of. I feel if he sees how much work goes into cleaning a place when it's a total mess, he make keep up with it. I work fulltime and my husband works 10 hours a day and it seems fruitless to continue to care for the house when his partner watches TV and plays video games all day.
You would think my BIL would get bathed and feed better when his partner is not doing these other things. I think his partner overmedicates him with his Xanax and oxy.
My husband works 10 hours a day and it seems fruitless to continue to care for the house when his partner watches TV and plays video games all day.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
it seems fruitless to continue to care for the house when his partner watches TV and plays video games all day.
If these are two adults, and they are living the way they want to (even if you couldn't live that way), is it best to live and let live?
If they haven't asked for help, is it best to leave them alone until they do?
You sound like a person with a big heart. Keep us posted on how things are going.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you all. My BIL does complain about the living conditions and wants his mother to continue supporting them living there. They couldn't live there without her financial support. Because his partner has chosen to "let things go" I have decided to not help in that area. When we took turns (with my other BIL) taking meals to their house and they told us not to come (because they did not want us to ask about his smoking and drug misuse), we stopped helping in that area. I keep looking up 
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