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My boyfriend and his addiction.

Old 07-07-2013, 12:52 PM
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EST
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Question My boyfriend and his addiction.

When I first met the boyfriend I now live with, he admitted to me he had been in prison and had once been addicted to crack and heroin.
Of course this worried me, I was and still am only 18 and had never personally gone near drugs before. However I fell in love with him and (perhaps stupidly) moved in with him 8 months ago. Until now I have never thought about what would happen if he relapsed because he has always been so adamant that this would NEVER happen.
The past month he has been acting strange, sneaking around and hiding things from me. I thought there was something up but never thought it would be this. Two days ago he woke up ill and shaking and I was on at him to tell me what was up. He finally admitted that for the past month he has been smoking heroin from the local dealer and is now - once more - addicted.
I can't believe it and don't have a clue what to do. He has been spending our money on this ridiculous addiction... money that we don't have. And he says he is relieved to have told me but I'm not. I love this person with all of my heart but it is eating away at me... how could he do this and what's going to happen now???? Anyone in a similar situation I'd love to chat.
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:13 PM
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I was in a similar situation to yours 6 years ago... Met a charming guy.. Fresh out of rehab.. He was upfront about it, said he was clean and had no desire to use though I found it odd that he never went to any kind of 12 step meetings.. Even someone as naive as myself at the time knew that recovery meant meetings... Well fast forward 6 months and I married this so called recovering drug addict.. 5 months later I found a huge bag of pills ( he was probably dealing too, who knows) and then I went on this mission to "change" him and love him so much that he would have no choice but to get clean.. And his is where I entered into complete and utter hell for the next 5 years! I won't go into my gory details unless you want to hear them or you can just look at my profile and read my past posts !!

Your 18 and you have your whole life ahead of you.. Many years of goals and dreams and promises of love happiness and joy but I promise your not going to find it with this guy... Please do yourself a favor and RUN, RUN far far away from this situation cause its only going to get a whole lot worse.. Trust me... I know you love him and I know it hurts but please save yourself from a lot of heartache and lies and cheating and walk always from this... And please keep posting here to this board... We've been where you are at and you will find lots of support, strength and hope here...

I ended up divorcing my addict 6 months ago.. He's still using and I'm now thriving :-)
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Old 07-08-2013, 05:05 AM
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Ann
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EST, take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of helpful information that will show you what lies ahead if you choose to stay with an active addict.

The short version of what happens more often than not..

He will steal from you and spend all your money. He will probably cheat on you too and maybe bring you STD's from any number of sources.

He will lie...about everything...where he is, what he is doing, where his drugs are, the amount he is using...and if you are like most of us, you will "know" he is lying and will dedicate your life to playing Codie detective to find "proof" that it is so, so that you can confront him and shame him into stopping...and he will say he will and then won't...because active addicts lie about everything.

You will try harder to stop him and he will try harder to hide it from you and when you threaten to leave, he will tell you that he cannot do it without you, that only you can motivate him to stop...and he won't anyway even if you stay.

I sound cynical, but this is the hard reality of where your life is heading.

And, if you are like an unfortunate few here, YOU will get arrested for knowing that he is dealing and for having drugs where you live. You will be charged as an accomplice and perhaps spend time in jail. You may lose your home and lose your children if you have any. It's not fair but it too IS reality.

Sweetie, if you were my daughter I would tell you to run for the hills, now. If you feel you cannot afford to leave, call a women's shelter and they will help you.

You have the choice to stay or go. You cannot make him get clean and stay clean. If love could save our addicts not one of us would be here.

Whatever you choose, please take very good care of yourself. We care about you, you are not alone. If this response seems harsh it is, because remaining in a relationship with an active addict IS a harsh life and one you do not deserve. You deserve so much better than all this, really you do.

Hugs
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:08 AM
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Thank you so much for your responses so far. I have admitted to him I am using this site and the kind of messages you are taking your time to send to me and he is worried. And so he should be.... you are both totally right.
For example.... It is his birthday today and he promised me he wouldn't put me through this today but it got to 11am and he was throwing up saying he needed to get some.... so now he has gone to score while I'm sat staring at the presents I have bought him. Not fair.
Thanks again guys.
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Old 07-08-2013, 07:34 AM
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I am so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in.

33 days ago, My girlfriend of two years told me she had been snorting 100-200mg of Oxycodone daily, and had checked herself into a detox facility. During her period of active use she had been stealing from me to supplement her habit. She would lie to me about where she was, who she was with, when she was working, why she was tired all the time... etc. You get the picture.

That is about the only thing you can count on from an addict. They are exceedingly efficient liars.

I threw her out of our home. While this may seem coarse, it was probably the best thing I could have done for the both of us.

An active addict isn't capable of loving anything or anyone, except their drug. His promises not to use are absolutely meaningless if he is not actively working some kind of recovery program.

If you have somewhere you can go, you need to get out of that situation now. Its going to get worse. By tolerating that kind of behavior, in his mind you are giving him the green light to continue that behavior.

Ann summed up how this will play out. You cannot make him stop. He has to want to stop on his own.
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:13 AM
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Welcome to SR......I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

When I married an addict 30 years ago, my mother cried. She knew that I had just made a huge mistake. I figured it out with six months but I stayed married to him for five unpleasant (miserable) years. We're there some good times.....sure. But the majority of those five years were spent arguing or afraid or worrying about our finances. It's a lousy way to live. My mother told me she could do nothing but watch the tragedy unfold.......and pick up the pieces when things blew apart. And that's what happened.....things blew apart......

I can't read your future but I will tell you that if you are involved with an active addict, you're in for one hellava bumpy ride. Life is a LOT easier when you make good decisions for you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:38 AM
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Bryan if you don't mind me asking... what happened after you threw her out? Did you ever get back together and did you ever hear if she had fully recovered?
Thank you for replying. Hearing other people's stories really honestly helps. I am so scared.
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by EST View Post
Bryan if you don't mind me asking... what happened after you threw her out? Did you ever get back together and did you ever hear if she had fully recovered?
Thank you for replying. Hearing other people's stories really honestly helps. I am so scared.
We are still talking to each other, but, for now, we are not a couple. This is not a discussion I am willing to have with her until I have some confidence that she will continue taking her recovery seriously. Additionally, I will not cohabitate with her again for at least a year.

My Ex is doing as well as she can right now. She just got her 30 day chip a couple days ago. She was really excited about it. She has been attending 2+ AA/NA meetings every single day. She has completely separated herself from anyone and everyone that she used to use or purchase drugs. Some days have been easier than others. On her last very difficult day she attended meetings for the entire day, one after another.

So far so good I guess.

I have stopped trying to view the goal as a full recovery. Addicts have a disease that will be with them forever. Its not a battle they win, but rather a battle they learn how to fight. Recovery is a process that must be worked, and it's most certainly not something that is done in 30 days.

A real difference between our situations, is my Ex took the first step by checking into a detox facility. She wants to get better, and it is reflected in her actions. I don't think your boyfriend is there yet. Until he is, you had better get out of his way, or he will drag you down with him.

I don't pressure her. I don't nag. I don't ask what she is doing. Its her journey. If she wants to get better, she has to do it for herself, not for me. Maybe down the road, we will find each other together again, maybe not. For me, I am not looking that far down the road. Like her, I am just taking it one day at a time, and focusing on making myself better.
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Old 07-08-2013, 02:43 PM
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hi there...
I joined SR a year and a half ago and started writing while my ex was packing his belongings to move out. we had just celebrated his birthday two days earlier, but he couldn't give up the crackpipe and so I had to finally give up on all the hard work, hope, dedication and dreams that I had spent on him...

I hid the expensive presents (that I had bought for his bday) while he moved out (he was either too high or too "hungover" to notice) and returned them to the store for cash.

it's now been a year and a half. he still goes in and out of "recovery" (not really recovery...) and in and out of peoples lives. it has been a long journey for me to heal my heart...and that is MY recovery. MY story.
I have been learning to heal and appreciate all the beautiful things about my life
heartbreak heals
crack and heroin don't...
crack and heroin take a lifelong commitment to have any hope of staying "in remission"

the addiction DOES NOT go away

my advice to anyone is to suffer the heartbreak and heal now rather than face a long life of anxiety and grief and anger and despair...and broken promises on birthdays and every other holiday and important days

YUK
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
hi there...
I joined SR a year and a half ago and started writing while my ex was packing his belongings to move out. we had just celebrated his birthday two days earlier, but he couldn't give up the crackpipe and so I had to finally give up on all the hard work, hope, dedication and dreams that I had spent on him...

I hid the expensive presents (that I had bought for his bday) while he moved out (he was either too high or too "hungover" to notice) and returned them to the store for cash.

it's now been a year and a half. he still goes in and out of "recovery" (not really recovery...) and in and out of peoples lives. it has been a long journey for me to heal my heart...and that is MY recovery. MY story.
I have been learning to heal and appreciate all the beautiful things about my life
heartbreak heals
crack and heroin don't...
crack and heroin take a lifelong commitment to have any hope of staying "in remission"

the addiction DOES NOT go away

my advice to anyone is to suffer the heartbreak and heal now rather than face a long life of anxiety and grief and anger and despair...and broken promises on birthdays and every other holiday and important days

YUK
Like you said the addiction never goes away.I left my addict and nothing changes I know for me I can't compete with the addicts love for the drug They lie right to your face and tell you what's your problem, I always wanted a meaningful relationship it goes back to meaningless relationship each and everytime and I look like a ******* idiot,Just like when my child walks into traffic and I spank them and they look at me like I'm crazy and think why would you spank me if you love me,not even seeing the car coming,My response is you almost got ran over I saved your life,The addict is always in traffic let them go or you get hit.
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Old 07-16-2013, 07:19 AM
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Hello, my boyfriend is addicted to crack. I am having a really hard time right now; we have been together for over 2 years now and since I have met him I have had a car repossessed, and been evicted from my apartment, which he is now squatting in because he has no where to go, and I refuse to let him stay with my parents and I... We have a beautiful daughter together who is 14 months old...and I have a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He has lied to me every day, stolen money from me, DVD players, diapers, Nintendo game systems, an ipod, 2 cell phones...oh and a Victoria's Secret backpack that I got for my 16 year old for Christmas. He has taken my car, and stayed out all night with it, a couple times making me late for work. When I met him he had been in prison for 17 years on and off for robbery, but me being the kind hearted person that I am, I gave him a chance. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. I would have never though when I pray met him that it would have turned out this way. Please consider my story when you're thinking about continuing your relationship. I know that you love him and I still love my addict, but I need my life back. He has no plans of changing, he is a user. There comes a point when you will stop feeling sorry for them, and learn that you can't change them. If he wants help he will get it. Good luck to you and God Bless you
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Old 07-16-2013, 07:23 AM
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I can now leave my purse laying around without the fear of my cash or debit cards getting stolen, I can breathe.
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Old 07-16-2013, 07:38 AM
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Oh and he has been snorting coke even as of last night.
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Old 07-16-2013, 07:43 AM
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Thank you so much to aef and to all other members who have taken the time to post to me.
I have been surprisingly strong towards the situation (not like me) and a lot of that is down to the help of this site. He has an appointment to begin receiving Subotex -- I don't know much about this but apparently it's the best kind of pill to get your body away from the need of heroin. The appointment is this week and unless he turns up to it and shows me his full support in getting off this disgusting drug then the consequences will be serious and he knows that. Again thank you all for your time. I will post soon.
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