irisgardens

Have an ex crystal meth addict daughter who had two twin girls and got sober.

We supported her in finishing her college education by giving them room and board for 6 years and the girls will turn 8 next week.

Last year, we left the shared apartment (our security deposit) to move to my hubby's country of origin...he told me that the apartment was our backup if things didn't work out.

Daughter was asked by hubby to take care of some minor things (for mom)--I didn't ask, and she started being verbally abusive in her communications to me...and telling me to get off my a** and work and take care of things, etc...it was bad and at a minimum extremely disrespectful.

Hubby said he told her to stop but she didn't...and when I needed to return...refused to receive me and hubby found alternate location. Nobody wanted to know how I felt and have relentless just said that I need to move on.

We have always attended the girls birthday party...every year...and an older daughter offered to take me (I was never invited and wouldn't have known if she didn't call)...this daughter has continued to blame me, be verbally abusive and to tell me that everything is all my fault.

Hubby told me to go to the party and ignore her and spend good time with the girls. I know from previous parties where I helped, was social and helpful with all the adult invites, and our family cooked, helped and prepared, etc. that that is not going to happen...and the girls will have a wonderful time and not really notice.

I am really raw with all the abusive treatment and the siblings and hubby are all rationalizing (let me say that I was the family leader in getting her help (against her will) and rehab and that often told that everything was my problem...although this is 7+ years ago...the negativity has been relentless since then...and also the divisiveness as she is closely protected and loved by Dad and older siblings.

I don't have the desire for more negativity...I love and miss my grandgirls...but she has not made an effort or called since my return...the family has always 'talked' that she holds her children hostage when angry with a family member and I have been the direct recipient for many years.

What is the healthiest action? I could go if it would be the best thing...but I dread it...because when I left after last visit in October, the girls were happy and gave me singing concerts...we lived together for 6 years and I love them dearly and raised them when the daughter wasn't available with going out or school or whatever. However, at the airport...they were not relaxed and she has been really negative...so...want to be a good grandmother...but it seems kind of futile.

I have lots of stuff on my plate...and she has been negative and unsupportive...(postings elsewhere).

I know this is a small thing, but have always worked so hard to promote family unity...but this would be a hard stretch given her attitude, lack of contact (too busy all the time), blaming despite all that was given to help her through...and just the negative, blaming attitude for me now that she is getting her life together.

Kindeyes

I am sorry that you are dealing with all of the chaos created by addiction.

Please forgive me if I am asking this question and you have already answered it. Do you attend any meetings? (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon). For me, it was only when I worked the program that I wished my dear son would work.....that I found joy in my life again.

I see so much of myself in your post.....I held so much resentment toward others in my family as they pulled away from me as I desparately tried to help my addicted son. I lost my grandson as his mother didn't want to risk that he (grandson) might come in contact with his father (my son) through me. She did the best that she knew how at that time. Do I agree with her decision? Not really. Do I resent her for her decision? No. Do I understand her decision? Yes. Do I hope that she will someday find it in her heart to allow me to see my grandson again? Absolutely. But she is the mother....she has the authority over her child......and I have no choice but to accept and support her decision.....whether it is wrong or right. I know she loves that little boy and she's a good mother to him.

I could sit in a place of resentment.....but I don't. I sit in a place of understanding, acceptance, and gratitude. It was losing my grandson that finally gave me the courage to recognize that I didn't want to lose all of the healthy people in my life in trade for a very unhealthy relationship with my son. It took a lot of courage to let go......

Nothing is forever. I hope that someday I'll be able to see my sweet grandson again. I was also a primary caregiver for him for six years. I pray that God watches over him and delivers my love to him. I can't think of a better messenger.

For me, at this point in time in my own recovery (codependent), I would not go where I wasn't specifically invited. You will do what your mother's heart will tell you.......and whatever happens, I hope that you find serenity and joy.

gentlest of hugs
ke

irisgardens

Thanks, Kindeyes...that is the decision I made...and I am doing much better than 2 weeks ago. Let my husband know...as he was pushing me to go anyway...and I let my oldest daughter know...and just said that I am working on my own self and that I do not want to create any drama or experience any.

Your words are very wise...and I am letting go...it is hard and it is a process...but I realize that the past is gone...and no matter how much I have done (in good intentions for her or anybody else) I have a life...and I don't want to try to control or fix anyone elses.

On the daughter who is still lost in the streets, my HP had a detour for me yesterday and I was quite busy taking care of my own problems...a car breaking down, no money in the bank, etc. I solved it with a tiny bit of help from my older daughter and will be doing what I need to do to get even more independent this week by opening up my own private bank account and getting a road assistance card in my own name.

Thanks so much...I am really enjoying having more time and thinking and doing and being time for myself.

I will take things one step at a time, but I agree about the not being invited thing...and have wanted to do this for a long time...but was allowing myself to be manipulated.

I will be sending the girls a card...and that will be good.

xoxoxoxoxo

irisgardens

yes...i do do meetings and will be doing more and doing this site as well as online naranon and alanon...and over the years have done more plus therapy. i always just think i am a slow student...but it has been hard to go through this with three different girls...and i can see that i am a slow learner when it comes to enabling...even though i tried everything not to do so. i am back to meetings after a four year hiatus and so probably sound really stupid...but this is a first of the family pulling apart...and the blame game so loudly...and the really bad aggressiveness...so I am working to make the adjustment as healthily as possible. I don't know why now...but I do know that I don't have the strength or the youth or energy that I had when my oldest started 16 years ago or my middle 12...and it has been one crisis after another. This time...since I have literally hit bottom...emotionally, financially, mentally and spiritually (over the past 5 months)...just trying to make sure that I am doing what I can to best take care of me....which is a new ingredient in the mix.

Kindeyes

It took hitting a very ugly bottom for me.......total breakdown. Sometimes we have to clear the rubble of the past in order to establish a new, stronger foundation. I'm glad you are focusing on taking care of you. I found that when I let go, began taking care of me, and got out of God's way.....that new ingredient changed the dynamic.

My family is healing. I'm not getting in the middle of everyone else's relationships with each other. And I'm watching people get along much better without me trying to orchestrate the relationships.

We all have to learn at our own pace with our own experiences.......I found a new, improved me.....but it sure took me a long time to get there.

You and your family, particularly your lost daughter, will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke