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ROCK bottom - Filing For Legal Separation and Feeling DAMN Good About It

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ROCK bottom - Filing For Legal Separation and Feeling DAMN Good About It

Old 07-07-2013, 09:48 AM
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ROCK bottom - Filing For Legal Separation and Feeling DAMN Good About It

I want to thank EVERYONE who has contributed to my posts on this forum, both by written response and in spirit. I am SO grateful to have found SR and would not have been able to get the ever flowing roller coaster of emotions out to help me get through some very difficult times.

I am working overtime in the office and will continue to do so until I have the money to retain a divorce attorney. I am going for a consultation on 07/19 to see what my legal rights are and to make sure I can get a grip on my assets. All of the vehicles are in my name and my husband hasn't had a drivers license in about 14 years (and is NOT EVEN CLOSE to getting it back), so I don't see how he could qualify to have any of those vehicles. At this point, that's all I have since he's basically smoked any chance of us ever having anything.

AnYways, that light switch went off. The one that changes something deep within you. The one that switches and DOESN'T SWITCH BACK.

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Old 07-07-2013, 11:35 AM
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Yogagurl
I know that switch well. I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:16 PM
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I remember the day I hit rock bottom.. It was the day that the pain of staying became greater then the pain of leaving.. So I made him leave, he didn't go without a fight but that's why I got a good lawyer...

You've got this and when you come out on the other side you will be in awe of how strong you are..
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:31 AM
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Hugs and many positive thoughts and vibes out to you all!
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:38 AM
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@ jerect, you hit the nail on the head! That's exactly what happened: the pain of staying is going to outweigh the pain of leaving. My husband comes home high, leaves to get high, comes home high, leaves to get high. He doesn't go anywhere with me or participate in any activities with me. I have to basically beg him to spend time with me. When he's not high, he's thinking of getting high. He's emotionally abusive, always in a bad mood and ready to bite my head off. He neglects the house, in every possible way. The trash will overflow, laundry will overflow, dishes will overflow. He takes no responsibility what so ever in the upkeep of the pets. And I'm finally to the point where I have acknowledged that there is literally NO reward in my efforts and I'm running on a wheel, getting no where. Nothing will change until I change. It finally freaking clicked!
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:46 PM
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It may not feel it right now but it could be a win win situation. By walking away you not only save yourself but also free him to hit his bottom. When I kicked my addicted son out in Feb I not only did our life improve but my son learnt that living by himself on social assistance and minimum wage job was no fun. He is now broke and talking rehab.
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:43 PM
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Yogagurl!! You did it! One of your posts not long ago sounded so hopeless and sad...I was worried for you. But look at you now! Awesome. Once you get through the divorce stuff, even once you just live alone again, you are going to feel so LIGHT and unburdened and peaceful. I wish you all the very best.

Keep it up, keep coming here, even if it's just to read a bit...SR & NarAnon fill me back up when my tank gets low. Take care.
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Old 07-12-2013, 06:31 AM
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Glad u made up your mind!
Everything will just get better. We are all healing here and walking our path, getting back to track.
I still remember your threat 'if u are using the the word bf while referring to your addict'. It helped me a lot to clear my mind. I bookmarked it and kept reminding myself to stay stay from mine.

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Old 07-12-2013, 08:58 AM
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Glad u made up your mind!
Everything will just get better. We are all healing here and walking our path, getting back to track.
I still remember your threat 'if u are using the the word bf while referring to your addict'. It helped me a lot to clear my mind. I bookmarked it and kept reminding myself to stay stay from mine.

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Old 07-12-2013, 01:37 PM
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Thank you all for commenting on my posts and reading and just being there. I have been so sad, so tormented by hope only to have it followed by with disappointment. I'm a good person who has been grossly taken advantage of by a man who has no concept of responsibility or no consideration of other peoples feelings. Maybe he's a great guy deep within, but I'm finally convinced that if his actions aren't currently illustrating a good man with a sense of duty and integrity to his family and his wife, there is no sense in sticking around to see this person surface. I deserve so much more from my life. I have worked so hard for what I own. I put myself through college and worked 2-3 jobs my whole life just to get to where I'm at right now. Had it not been for the sake of being with this man, I would be so much further along the road in my career than I am right now. His antics in the middle of the night, early in the morning, my constant worry, and his constant fury, have affected my performance at work. Additionally, I have been supporting a man who makes 3 times as much money as I do and my personal bills are more expensive than his. When you sit down and say these things out loud, you eventually think to yourself, "What is it that is SO good that is keeping me HERE? What promises has he actually followed through with? When's the last time he woke me up with a smile and a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning? When's the last time he asked to get away for the weekend? When's the last time he was [/B] home [/B] and he looked me in the face?"

God Almighty, this has been a long and hard road. I have made the decision, based on on the lack of hope that I have for my husband following through with ANYTHING that he says anymore. I have a support system, I just have to utilize it. I think that part of me was still straddling the fence for a long time and that's one of the reasons that I thought that I was trapped. But my best friend from middle school in a divorce lawyer and I finally reached out to her. I didn't want to impose on anyone, because I never want to ask anyone to do me any favors. She responded immediately and gave me the direction I needed to get this thing on the ball. If I'm afraid of my husband and what he may do to me following the separation, we have discussed all of the options that I have. THAT gives me hope. It's such a miserable feeling to think that you are trapped, especially a free spirit like myself. I have always been so full of joy and love and life and this addiction/codependency thing has left this feeling in the pit of me, like a solid weight holding me down.

To reach out to a divorce attorney, if nothing else, has been so liberating. And to know that I don't HAVE to take care of him - I first got anxiety when I thought that his family would be there to pick up the pieces, it made me angry to think that he wouldn't just have to suffer all alone. Then it occurred to me: I'm picking up where the last girl left off, and the one before that. It doesn't matter if I'm there or not, he'll always find someone to take care of him.

That epiphany made it even easier for me to accept that this has NOTHING to do with me and to walk away.
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Old 07-12-2013, 01:47 PM
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One of your posts not long ago sounded so hopeless and sad
One more thing, to comment on this particular post: I WAS SO DEPRESSED that day. I could not stop crying. And finally, this opportunity to work overtime came along. I would rush home to make sure that dinner was ready and to see what my husband was doing a only a couple of weeks ago and now I'm taking advantage of staying late in the evenings. And coming in on Saturdays. I think the decision wavered with the loss of control that I would have being in my husbands life. That I wouldn't be able to scan his calls and know what he was doing anymore, even if what he was doing was ultimately going to disappoint me. This need for more help is a more recent thing, only for the past couple of weeks. Once I had this shred of financial grace, that's all I needed to get the ball running. I truly believe that it wasn't until I firmly made up my mind that leaving is what I wanted to do that these doors began to open for me.
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Yogagurl View Post
....."What is it that is SO good that is keeping me HERE? What promises has he actually followed through with? When's the last time he woke me up with a smile and a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning? When's the last time he asked to get away for the weekend? When's the last time he was [/B] home [/B] and he looked me in the face?".....
@Yogagurl - it was good reading your posts in this thread. I am going through the same thing right now with my addict wife and it's been the most difficult and heart wrenching time of my life. It was about three weeks ago when I suddenly woke up and had the same exact thought as you did above... "what is SO good about this marriage that I am doing everything I can to save it?" Well I can tell you I couldn't think of one single darn thing.

Although we are doing a mutually agreed upon separation instead of divorce at this time, it's been so liberating. I think I smiled today for the first time in about 4 months.

One day at a time...
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Old 07-12-2013, 02:43 PM
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Most times, when a marriage ends, it's like closing the door on an already empty room.

Wonderful new beginnings await you, embrace the new start and know that you have made it this far, that's the hard part, from here on in you can follow the light of better days ahead.

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Old 07-12-2013, 07:36 PM
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Ann, you are so right about the room being empty. I know that there was a love present in our lives at one time, but at this point I'm convinced the love my husband has had for me has been one of need, not of purity. Only with the dissolution of the ego can true love take place, a spiritual love and bond. Drug addiction is pure ego and the need to use is what creates the bond of the user to whomever is supplying the tools the user needs to make it through life with his/her addiction. These are my opinions, based on my spiritual beliefs and lifestyle. This is also based on what I have experienced myself, since I too am a recovering alcoholic. It wasn't until I was sober and capable of feeling emotions that were not polluted with substance that I was able to genuinely be selfless, which is tandem to loving someone.


@subordinary, I'm glad that my posts were helpful to you and struck a chord. I'm very sorry to hear about the relationship with your wife and that she is abusing drugs. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to watch someone that you love sacrifice their lives and their happiness for something that is so insignificant. It's really crazy to think that a substance a pill a powder a drink can be so powerful that it disrupts the soul and takes the physical form of the body with it. I sincerely hope that the outcome of your situation is positive and that you and your wife come out of your situation with a deeper love and a deeper understanding of life. A separation is absolutely necessary for someone who is involved with an addict and does not use. It is physically impossible to keep your sanity and live with an addict. I am especially glad to hear that you smiled today for the first time in four months. I know that feeling and I hope that the days ahead keep you smiling. I hope that you continue to find joy and peace.
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Old 07-12-2013, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Yogagurl View Post
One more thing, to comment on this particular post: I WAS SO DEPRESSED that day. I could not stop crying. And finally, this opportunity to work overtime came along. I would rush home to make sure that dinner was ready and to see what my husband was doing a only a couple of weeks ago and now I'm taking advantage of staying late in the evenings. And coming in on Saturdays. I think the decision wavered with the loss of control that I would have being in my husbands life. That I wouldn't be able to scan his calls and know what he was doing anymore, even if what he was doing was ultimately going to disappoint me. This need for more help is a more recent thing, only for the past couple of weeks. Once I had this shred of financial grace, that's all I needed to get the ball running. I truly believe that it wasn't until I firmly made up my mind that leaving is what I wanted to do that these doors began to open for me.
Sounds to me like God is listening.
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