Adzia

Hi everyone,

This is only my third post in SR, and one about a huge step in the journey I have been on with my boyfriend.
We had a break up because he was beginning to feel pressure to be committed and did not feel ready for a relationship. It was during this break up that he had relapsed after a year of sobriety. He was already sober when we had met, and an amazing, young, bright, individual with a huge heart. He is the first person to ever make me feel so loved and so extremely happy. We had our rough spots because it was at times difficult to find a balance between having time for a relationship and time to focus on himself to stay sober and happy, but I always supported him 150 %. When he came back to me, I was unaware he had relapsed. He seemed like a new person, committed, loving me, saying he could never leave me again because he realized what he had let go just because of his fears. Things were great, a total honeymoon phase.
I had caught him high and thats when he broke down crying and apologizing saying he relapsed, how he hates himself because everything in his life is going so well, he relapsed because he went out with friends to the bar and they used in front of him, so he jumped at the opportunity.
Ever since then, our relationship has been a roller coaster for the last 2 months. He refers to it as Dr. jekyl and mr. hyde. He's right. He never uses around me, and when we are together we are happy and he seems so normal. At times he is moody or distant. I had figured he was using one time after he came out to me because he was in withdrawals, trying to quit. I am guessing he lasted about a week, though he told me three. There were signs he may have been using, but no solid evidence to accuse him, and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Two days ago he told me that he is an addict and a liar and has been using behind my back, that sorry does not cut it, and he plans on going for treatment. he didnt want to go back to rehab before because he wanted to finish school. He is so full of anger at himself for spending years doing drugs, when he so badly wants a fresh start. We spent the night crying on the phone to one another and it was so hard.
Yesterday he was suppose to go to ADAAC with his mother for a meeting and then see when he can go for treatment, etc. We spoke in the morning and he said he would keep me updated. It took him 9 hours to get back to me, and when he did, all he said is that he is safe, tired and going through withdrawals and going to bed. Today, I have heard nothing so far. I feel so frustrated and neglected. It's been 6 days since I've seen him and he is so hard to get a hold of. I know he wants treatment, but I have no idea what is happening.
He also asked me to tell his best friend everything that has been going on. I now know why, he took money from his best friend, in the excuse of me needing it for a trip we all planned on this summer, which is not true!
I know I have been manipulated and used and lied to. My heart feels so broken, I am so in love with him. He asked if I would wait for him and I said I don't know. He told me I have done enough and I need to step back and focus on myself and he will need to take responsibility for his own actions.
I told him and my family I will not make any major decisions at the moment. I will not stand in the way of his recovery, and I will not make it my priority to be with him when he gets back, even though I know in the back of my mind I will be hoping. I know he may be different when he is done treatment, and so I should wait to see him when he is done and see where we both stand and feel.
I want to be with him, but I don't know if I will trust him again. I am scared that he will be so great because he is clean and sober when he gets out, and then history might repeat itself. I suppose I should spend this time healing myself as well. But I don't know where to start.
Any recommendations from people in similar situations? Do I write him a letter and give it to him if he is absolutely for sure getting treatment? Do I walk away? Has anyone learned to trust again and made it through?

Adzia

Also, I want to add that one time I asked him if the 12 steps are really necessary or simply a guideline. He said he doesn't believe so, and he only completed 6. If i write a letter to him should I suggest to him that he completes all 12? In his counselling, will he be encouraged to end his relationship with me since it's not like we are married? All replies and thoughts appreciated.

eggdogg1234

Its a tough spot that many of us have been in. The fact of the matter is all investments of love you make into him will not be returned even if he starts his recovery and keeps it. Sometimes its hard to separate the addict and the person, he has been saying all the right things but all the things he has said are also attempts to push your buttons in order to manipulate you into doing what he wants. For example:

This is true. This is a healthy response. He could very well mean this, but as many of us have seen first hand, what he is actually doing is trying to make you feel a combination of proud of him and sad for him. If you are proud of him you will want to stay with him, if you are sad for him you will fear leaving him and then you are locked in. Its highly developed manipulation tactics and it is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

I would not talk to his friend, at least I would not go out of my way to talk to his friend as its not your responsibility. Do your best to take your focus off of him and place it on you. You are much more important than him when it comes to your life. You have a great opportunity to learn from this experience and move on to a much healthier relationship with someone who you can experience actual love with.

Drop this guy now and you will be much happier down the road. Stay with him and you will be fighting an uphill battle for a long time. I am not suggesting he does not love you or that you do not love him, but there is a very good chance that he does not know what love is. However if you asked each member on here what advice they would give you, my guess is almost all of us would say "move on now and be happy you avoided a lot of frustration, pain and wasted love."

I am not trying to sound cold, but you are standing at the edge of a very deep and very dark pool asking the people that made the mistaking of jumping in if the water is nice. The water is not nice, it is brutally cold, relentless and unforgiving. Once you jump in there are only two options (in my opinion) you either crawl back out or you drowned. Regardless of what you do, we understand where you are at and we love you.

pravchaw

I really think you need to separate yourself and let him work on his recovery.
As for the 12 steps, that is his business. I have been taught at this site that our addiction in the addict. We need to focus on our recovery.