Survivor Guilt
 

Friday, July 5, 2013

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Survivor Guilt

We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.

Then it hits. Guilt.

Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we've left behind - those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.

We may think about the husband we've divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell on a child, grown or adult, still in pain. We may get a phone call from a non-recovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.

How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.

And yes, it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people's recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.

We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time, but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.

We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.

Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.

I still have a seemingly endless reservoir of guilt that likes to show up in force when I experience happiness and success on my own accord. It can be very defeating. Thanks for the post.

People who know about my addicted son, missing now for going on 9 years, wonder how I can be happy with my life and live in joy and peace like I do. They wonder why I do not "look for him", and when I say "...and when I find him, then what?" they don't get it.

I love my son dearly, but I learned years ago that I cannot save him, so each morning I say a prayer and turn his care over to God, then I live my life well and embrace the joy and beauty of each day.

No guilt for me. I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. I tried my best for far too long and I finally let go because to hang on would have killed me.

I can love my son and feel no guilt that I live well today in my recovery. I can only pray that one day he finds his own.

Thanks for the reminder to be grateful for all this recovery had brought me, LMN.

Hugs

Ann, your ESH is especially on target for me as my daughter dropped contact 3 months ago and is an active heroin addict.

Thank you.