Mother in Law wants to bame ME
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 34
Mother in Law wants to bame ME
I recently left my addict husband and my mother in law just won't let go of the idea that I should have "put my foot down" years ago. She says I was the only one who could get him to change and that he has lost years of his life because I didn't do something sooner.
This enrages me, because I have been supporting him and his kids for years- trying to maintain a stable home in spite of his behavior. I realize now that this is called enabling and I am working on myself in this regard... but isn't his mother in law an enabler too for turning a blind eye all those years and not stepping in as well? She gave him money and vehicles and clothes and paid for his kids needs...
Is it fair to say that any one of us "should have" done something sooner? At least I had the courage to leave when I did.
I left a mess behind, especially since my mother in law owns our house and my husband left town after I left him. Now she has this run-down house to deal with. But why is it all my fault? It isn't!!!
This enrages me, because I have been supporting him and his kids for years- trying to maintain a stable home in spite of his behavior. I realize now that this is called enabling and I am working on myself in this regard... but isn't his mother in law an enabler too for turning a blind eye all those years and not stepping in as well? She gave him money and vehicles and clothes and paid for his kids needs...
Is it fair to say that any one of us "should have" done something sooner? At least I had the courage to leave when I did.
I left a mess behind, especially since my mother in law owns our house and my husband left town after I left him. Now she has this run-down house to deal with. But why is it all my fault? It isn't!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
My sister is my qualifier, but as in your case, my mother believes that if I hadn't "abandoned" the family, if I had kept my front row seat to the chaos, then my sister wouldn't have... wouldn't have... heck, I don't even exactly know what she thinks I could have done.
Just like I can't control my sister's behavior, I also can't control my mom's feelings about the situation. Those are hers. All I can do is continue my recovery, and while I hope that they will both choose recovery, my peace isn't tied to their decisions anymore. Yours doesn't have to be, either.
Your mother in law is hurting and it's easier right now for her to blame you than it is to accept that her son has a serious disease. That's okay. That's on her. You just keep working on you, and I promise that the longer you do, the less you worry about what other people think of your decisions. Hang in there.
Just like I can't control my sister's behavior, I also can't control my mom's feelings about the situation. Those are hers. All I can do is continue my recovery, and while I hope that they will both choose recovery, my peace isn't tied to their decisions anymore. Yours doesn't have to be, either.
Your mother in law is hurting and it's easier right now for her to blame you than it is to accept that her son has a serious disease. That's okay. That's on her. You just keep working on you, and I promise that the longer you do, the less you worry about what other people think of your decisions. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Just because someone says something....doesn't mean that it's true.
The dance of addiction has many participants. And everyone on the dance floor is pointing at everyone else......blaming them......rather than looking at themselves and how they may be contributing to the problem by staying on the dance floor.
As the mother of an addict (in recovery), there was a very long time that I was on that dance floor........ dancing my heart out.....wanting to blame anyone and everyone for my son's addiction. It was a symptom of my own "dis-ease". I own that. When we know better, we do better. Thank goodness (for me and everyone around me!!!) I found a better way.
I agree with interrupted. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. That goes for your MIL as much as it does for your husband. We just simply can't control other people. I also do not hand my emotional, psychological, or spiritual wellbeing over to anyone else. I own that too.
I hope you stick around. Read. Learn. Participate. And take what you need, leave the rest. And heal.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
The dance of addiction has many participants. And everyone on the dance floor is pointing at everyone else......blaming them......rather than looking at themselves and how they may be contributing to the problem by staying on the dance floor.
As the mother of an addict (in recovery), there was a very long time that I was on that dance floor........ dancing my heart out.....wanting to blame anyone and everyone for my son's addiction. It was a symptom of my own "dis-ease". I own that. When we know better, we do better. Thank goodness (for me and everyone around me!!!) I found a better way.
I agree with interrupted. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. That goes for your MIL as much as it does for your husband. We just simply can't control other people. I also do not hand my emotional, psychological, or spiritual wellbeing over to anyone else. I own that too.
I hope you stick around. Read. Learn. Participate. And take what you need, leave the rest. And heal.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by chickaree777 
Is it fair to say that any one of us "should have" done something sooner? At least I had the courage to leave when I did.
I can empathize with the mother who's losing her child to addiction. It must be a horrible thing and she's most likely projecting on you since you're able to "leave" easier than she is from the toxic relationship.
There's nothing you or anything else but the addict can do to save him. I agree with everyone else saying this.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
When I served divorce papers to my ex when she was in rehab I received a few pointed fingers. One in particular that always stuck with me was one her best friends who was also an addict and she basically told me that my ex would not be able to recover unless I stood by her because an addict needs someone to rely on when they recover...I am sure most of you are laughing at this as its the exact opposite of what a recovering addict needs and exactly what an addict needs.
As Kindeyes said, there comes a time when you have to stop dancing and when you do everyone who is still dancing gets upset and blames the person who left the dance floor. Good luck and keep placing the focus on you and not other people. You do not have to deny your mother in law her right to feel and you don't have to except her judgement either.
As Kindeyes said, there comes a time when you have to stop dancing and when you do everyone who is still dancing gets upset and blames the person who left the dance floor. Good luck and keep placing the focus on you and not other people. You do not have to deny your mother in law her right to feel and you don't have to except her judgement either.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Ugh! Try to ignore her. She is probably upset, and taking it out on you.
When I filed for divorce my sister in law judged me for it because it was against her religion. She thought I was playing games because I told her I filed, but I wanted to stay married. Meanwhile, this husband of mine was living with another woman and left me (a stay at home mom)with no money and refused to talk to me. I had to get divorced. I was furious and hurt with his sister. We were so close too. We use to talk daily, and I would watch her kids all the time. We haven't spoken for 2 years. It's sad. Also, after we got divorced his mother, who I was pretty close with too, totally dismissed me. She wanted to see my son, but proved she wanted nothing to do with me. Ultimately, both of these woman could not process their brother/son was an addict. They were in denial. They were both in pain and didn't know how to handle it. It took me awhile to accept it for what it is. I was very angry and hurt. I felt betrayed not only by my xah, but by them too. Needless to say, neither them are apart of my life. I need supportive and understanding.
Also, I had a hard time with old friends too. These were the mutual friends that were probably more friends with my x. They all couldn't believe that I got supervised visits and enforced it. I felt judged by them too. I felt like I had to defend my actions. I cut these people out of my life too. Again, I need support. I lost my husband. I also didn't want to hear anything about him. None of them knew the truth. They only knew his lies, but the truth always comes out. I learned that the hard way!!!!
Ignore this woman. You have enough to deal with. Trust yourself. Let her think what she wants, you know the truth! Easier said than done. But head in that direction. You will get their in time. Dealing with an addict is so much more than just dealing with the addict! It really is a ripple effect. I basically have an all new life.
When I filed for divorce my sister in law judged me for it because it was against her religion. She thought I was playing games because I told her I filed, but I wanted to stay married. Meanwhile, this husband of mine was living with another woman and left me (a stay at home mom)with no money and refused to talk to me. I had to get divorced. I was furious and hurt with his sister. We were so close too. We use to talk daily, and I would watch her kids all the time. We haven't spoken for 2 years. It's sad. Also, after we got divorced his mother, who I was pretty close with too, totally dismissed me. She wanted to see my son, but proved she wanted nothing to do with me. Ultimately, both of these woman could not process their brother/son was an addict. They were in denial. They were both in pain and didn't know how to handle it. It took me awhile to accept it for what it is. I was very angry and hurt. I felt betrayed not only by my xah, but by them too. Needless to say, neither them are apart of my life. I need supportive and understanding.
Also, I had a hard time with old friends too. These were the mutual friends that were probably more friends with my x. They all couldn't believe that I got supervised visits and enforced it. I felt judged by them too. I felt like I had to defend my actions. I cut these people out of my life too. Again, I need support. I lost my husband. I also didn't want to hear anything about him. None of them knew the truth. They only knew his lies, but the truth always comes out. I learned that the hard way!!!!
Ignore this woman. You have enough to deal with. Trust yourself. Let her think what she wants, you know the truth! Easier said than done. But head in that direction. You will get their in time. Dealing with an addict is so much more than just dealing with the addict! It really is a ripple effect. I basically have an all new life.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am the mother of an addict, lost for years now in his addiction, and I used to not really "blame" girlfriends, but I wished they would just do what "I" wanted them to do. I thought I was controlling the universe back then and I thought that if everyone would just listen to the voice of reason (that would be me), everything would have a happy ending.
It doesn't work that way. I control nobody else but me, and that is as it should be. My son owns his addiction and what anyone else does is not to blame. We didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. Only he can find help when he is ready.
His mother is hurting and trying to find the answer to "why?". There is no answer to "why?". That's a hard fact to face for a mama.
She can say what she wants, think what she wants. Arguing or striking back is futile and only hurts you both. Maybe find some compassion for this woman who is as sick as I was, as many of the mamas here were, and pray she finds some recovery and healing for herself too.
You, my dear, are just fine. Today I would not wish a relationship on anyone with my addicted son. It's a short trip to hell and back and not for the feint of heart. I admire you for having the courage to move forward in your own life.
Hugs
It doesn't work that way. I control nobody else but me, and that is as it should be. My son owns his addiction and what anyone else does is not to blame. We didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. Only he can find help when he is ready.
His mother is hurting and trying to find the answer to "why?". There is no answer to "why?". That's a hard fact to face for a mama.
She can say what she wants, think what she wants. Arguing or striking back is futile and only hurts you both. Maybe find some compassion for this woman who is as sick as I was, as many of the mamas here were, and pray she finds some recovery and healing for herself too.
You, my dear, are just fine. Today I would not wish a relationship on anyone with my addicted son. It's a short trip to hell and back and not for the feint of heart. I admire you for having the courage to move forward in your own life.
Hugs
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
In simple words: Baloney.
She sounds like she is projecting her anger for her son on you.
Maybe she's upset he's lost not only his family life, but also his cash cow.
(the cash cow being you, since you WERE the glue holding it all together)
I can't speak for all mothers, but let me say it gives me a feeling of comfort, and helps relieve MY feelings of responsibility, when my son's have GF's in their lives.
You can't change her, so let her think what she wants, and step forward.
After all, it's all about YOU, not her.
She sounds like she is projecting her anger for her son on you.
Maybe she's upset he's lost not only his family life, but also his cash cow.
(the cash cow being you, since you WERE the glue holding it all together)
I can't speak for all mothers, but let me say it gives me a feeling of comfort, and helps relieve MY feelings of responsibility, when my son's have GF's in their lives.
You can't change her, so let her think what she wants, and step forward.
After all, it's all about YOU, not her.
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