letting go of a substance abuser

Old 07-04-2013, 07:05 AM
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letting go of a substance abuser

I am writing this from a hotel room in Oslo I am an American citizen. He dumped me by disappearing on a binge for 4 days and not coming back to where we were staying together at his home in Norway. His brother filed a police report but he still refused to speak to me after they found him. No reason was given to me he just disappeared. We were set to be married this year. I am devastated. I was up for 3 nights sleepless and fearing he was dead.

I already had my fears and it has been common for him to not speak for a few days. It has been long distance a lot so hard to tell he was on binges. I am no longer in the relationship I guess but as stated we never broke up. He just disappeared. I have read about codependency and I really feel like it is my fault somehow. I feel horrible.
Should I seek Al Anon even though I am now recovering from this crazy situation but with no partner? I have so many unanswered questions.

I met a man just over a year ago that I fell in love with completely. He lives in Norway and I was visiting. We fell madly in love. The fist time I met him he was drunk. I should have avoided getting to know him but I didn't. He is a super smart, very good looking, charming, and sometimes kind person. I have no experience dealing with alcohol or drug abuse. I at first didn't really notice he was abusing alcohol. Then I later found out also drugs, Meth and hash and sleeping pills. I told myself his usage of substances was unacceptable then later as I grew more attached , what was unacceptable became acceptable, as I wanted to be with him so much. I loved him.

I visited him in Norway many times. The first time was rocky as he was drinking heavily. He was verbally abusive. He told me how sorry he was and promised to not be like this. He stopped drinking as much and become very pleasent to be around the next time I visited. I should not have accepted to verbal abuse and ran, but didn't. We planned to get married. I was applying for Norwegian citizenship and was set to move to Norway.

We often spoke on the phone or skype and he was when sober delightful, amazing, brilliant.

It is hard to let go even though I know in a way he did me a favor. I can not imagine my life in this much chaos. I do not drink or do drugs so many of reactions and ways of handling things feel alien even sociopathic. He was before he left verbally abusive again and blaming his drinking on the pressure I put on him.

I cannot imagine leaving someone in a foreign country alone. His refusal to even speak to me the women who he wanted to have children with boggles my mind. Is this the behavior of addicts? The kind man I fell in love with seems to have been a lie.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:24 AM
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Welcome to SR--Glad you are here.

Sorry you are going through this. His addiction is of his own making. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Just be glad that you found out about everything before you married him. As far as any questions you might still have, you may still attend an Al-anon meeting if you want. It might help bring about some closure and peace of mind to you by meeting and talking to others who have dealt with similar situations. You are not alone. Don't blame yourself for his actions. Just consider this to be a learning experience and keep moving forward. We do recover.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:37 AM
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There's one giant step you have already taken. As you said, you do know he made you a favour! And yes you are right! For me it was a long time till I understood that. He swear at you? Dissapeard? Stopped talking to you for no reason? That's would be your future life and you don't want it. I Can relate it to my story as well. sea of empty promisses and cold cut at the end, without any closure. It's terrible and destructive experience. And yes, as you asked, this is pretty typical addict behaviour.

I'm really really sorry that it happened to you as well, billion hugs x
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:43 AM
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Welcome to SR?....unfortunately your story is a common one here. The good news? You are not alone.

Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are both fellowships that are for the friends and family of alcoholics and addicts. They are meetings of support for those who wish to heal from the fallout of caring deeply for someone who is affected by the disease. You have very much been affected......you would be welcomed in those rooms.

Is this the behavior of addicts?
Yes. It is very common behavior for addicts. The disease of addiction is baffling and cunning. People affected by the disease are often (not always but often) charming, funny, intelligent, attractive, and charismatic. All of those characteristics describe my son. When he was active in his disease, he was dark, deceptive, angry, and I suspect, filled with shame. When in recovery (currently) all of those beautiful traits mentioned earlier surface and he is a delight to be around.

Being left alone in a foreign country must be terrifying. But I'm so glad that you now know the full picture and can proceed toward the future with eyes wide open. You've been hurt deeply but there is healing. We live. We learn. We survive.

Glad you found us. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-04-2013, 08:06 AM
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I can relate to your story. Please run.

Leaving someone in a foreign country is hard. But u wanna living this chaotic life in a foreign country? U dont have family and friend support here... Which one is worse?

I also almost moved to a foreign country with him... Luckily we had big fight becoz of his binge drinking and using with all fareware parties.... and thus i didn't move with him. Its easier if we are not in same country with our beloved addict. easier to move on. He still messages me when hes drunk or when he needs someone. its just selfish. I still miss him now... But I'm dealing and healing.

He also blamed on me, said I overreacted and said he's 31, not a kid, so he could do whatever he wanted. When I cried, he yelled 'I'd this your life?!'

True, this chao is not supposed to be in my life. Not in your life either.
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Old 07-04-2013, 08:10 AM
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P.S. my ex also kept saying he wanted to have kid. But how could someone in active addiction be a responsible father? He would just use drugs and drink.. And get sick and hangover. He'd miss out the healthy activities with the kids and ruin the innocent kids life.
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Old 07-04-2013, 09:52 AM
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Thank you so much for you comments so far. I am sincerely glad I reached out today. It is easy to feel isolated in a foreign country in this situation. It helped me more then you know. I know it will get easier but right now my heart is broken. I cried as I read that others have experienced similar situations. Thank you for sharing you wisdom.
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