Closure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 93
Closure
It has been years since I last posted, I have been lurking when I need a kick in the pants. When I did post here I received a lot of help. This thread is for the sole purpose of retelling my story as I think and hope the part that brought me here has come to its conclusion. I am also writing this post because I am incredibly frightened right now.
I fell in love with an addict in my early twenties. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever met and I mean that literally. We started dating and it became evident that she had a drug problem immediately. Within the first few months of dating she lost her apartment and like the valiant codie I am, I rearranged my life and rented a house with her.
Her drug of choice was speed and oxy. Within the first few months of living with her I was quietly astounded by the lengths I would go to cover up her behavior and then cover up the cover up (a good codie just covers up, a great codie covers up the cover up). After a year I had helped her go through treatment and our path seemed to climb. The dance of the addict and co-addict continues when recovery is absent however. We continued to deepen our patterns of reliance and secrecy. We got better jobs, we got married, we bought a house and we lost it all. She began using again and I had become so afraid of everything I didn't know up from down.
I eventually kicked her out of the house and served divorce papers. It was at this time that I came here, in fact coming here prompted the kicking out and divorce. Over the next 3-4 years I put her at the furthest distance I felt comfortable without making a clean cut.
Intellectually - she was not being her true self when using, I thought.
Emotionally - I still loved her regardless of how bad she hurt me, I felt.
Physically - I exerted an immense amount of energy to control when I saw her and talked to her.
I had built a bunker on a battlefield. By expanding the boundaries of the bunker I could go about a relatively normal day-to-day life. The battle continued but it was further away.
I had done so well over the years of regaining my life but part of me was still not functioning like I wanted and I was becoming more depressed. I met another girl fell in love but refused to acknowledge it and the relationship went nowhere, so I stopped "relating" with other people on an emotional level. I refused to acknowledge that I was still living for my ex even though we did not live together, did not sleep together, and only saw each other once in a while.
After a long weekend something inside me informed myself that I was ready to make the final step I had been putting off. I went back to my counselor who I have not seen for a year for a second opinion and a "check up" so to speak. I have completed everything I needed to and wanted to in order to take my next step...I just never took the actual step.
I come here tonight full of emotion, some of the emotions are the same that made me come here years ago. I have decided to move to another city and finally close this chapter of my life. I am not running from anything anymore. I have made my amends, I have the means and ability to move now, I have begun a relationship with a non addict. I am afraid because of the huge changes involved with uprooting, I am sad about the closing of this chapter. I am also very excited I have the opportunity to participate in a relationship that is not shallow and doesn't produce a feeling of dread within me. Its easy for me to love something to death (literally) but I did not think I was going to be able to allow myself to be loved again.
Thanks for everything guys and gals, eggdogg is about to start writing a new chapter in his life. For any who read this and are walking through hell...keep walking.
I fell in love with an addict in my early twenties. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever met and I mean that literally. We started dating and it became evident that she had a drug problem immediately. Within the first few months of dating she lost her apartment and like the valiant codie I am, I rearranged my life and rented a house with her.
Her drug of choice was speed and oxy. Within the first few months of living with her I was quietly astounded by the lengths I would go to cover up her behavior and then cover up the cover up (a good codie just covers up, a great codie covers up the cover up). After a year I had helped her go through treatment and our path seemed to climb. The dance of the addict and co-addict continues when recovery is absent however. We continued to deepen our patterns of reliance and secrecy. We got better jobs, we got married, we bought a house and we lost it all. She began using again and I had become so afraid of everything I didn't know up from down.
I eventually kicked her out of the house and served divorce papers. It was at this time that I came here, in fact coming here prompted the kicking out and divorce. Over the next 3-4 years I put her at the furthest distance I felt comfortable without making a clean cut.
Intellectually - she was not being her true self when using, I thought.
Emotionally - I still loved her regardless of how bad she hurt me, I felt.
Physically - I exerted an immense amount of energy to control when I saw her and talked to her.
I had built a bunker on a battlefield. By expanding the boundaries of the bunker I could go about a relatively normal day-to-day life. The battle continued but it was further away.
I had done so well over the years of regaining my life but part of me was still not functioning like I wanted and I was becoming more depressed. I met another girl fell in love but refused to acknowledge it and the relationship went nowhere, so I stopped "relating" with other people on an emotional level. I refused to acknowledge that I was still living for my ex even though we did not live together, did not sleep together, and only saw each other once in a while.
After a long weekend something inside me informed myself that I was ready to make the final step I had been putting off. I went back to my counselor who I have not seen for a year for a second opinion and a "check up" so to speak. I have completed everything I needed to and wanted to in order to take my next step...I just never took the actual step.
I come here tonight full of emotion, some of the emotions are the same that made me come here years ago. I have decided to move to another city and finally close this chapter of my life. I am not running from anything anymore. I have made my amends, I have the means and ability to move now, I have begun a relationship with a non addict. I am afraid because of the huge changes involved with uprooting, I am sad about the closing of this chapter. I am also very excited I have the opportunity to participate in a relationship that is not shallow and doesn't produce a feeling of dread within me. Its easy for me to love something to death (literally) but I did not think I was going to be able to allow myself to be loved again.
Thanks for everything guys and gals, eggdogg is about to start writing a new chapter in his life. For any who read this and are walking through hell...keep walking.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am glad you finally found closure and are ready for new beginnings.
May the days ahead bring you joy and peace and love and lots and lots of laughter. These gifts have been waiting for you and now are all yours to embrace.
Hugs
May the days ahead bring you joy and peace and love and lots and lots of laughter. These gifts have been waiting for you and now are all yours to embrace.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When I first met my dear husband after divorcing my XAH, I was still holding on to a lot of my own bad behaviors. Insecurity. Anxiety. Lack of trust. It was a slow process to learn healthier behaviors with a healthy partner. I'm so glad he was patient with me. We've been married now for 28 years.....good years.
I wish you the best for a bright future with a healthy partner.
gentle hugs
ke
I wish you the best for a bright future with a healthy partner.
gentle hugs
ke
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