SABee

For the first time in mu life I am absolutely totally lost.
I am a pretty successful woman, educated that travelled the world.
Separated from a non abusive partner - no hectic stories ..just normal
I am nor an alcoholic nor a drug addict.
I fell for a man that rationally does not tick any of my boxes ..
We started being friends.
He told me he was an addict ..in recovery
He lost his job , as I have a pretty large house I offered him to temporarely stay with me till gets back on his feet.
I found one job - I found him later on a better one that offers not only a decent salary but as well vocational education.
we were living for about 10 months toghether step by step he moved to my room and we started ..a certain form of relationship
I love the guy to bits as never did before
He tickles something in me ..guess my maternal instinct ( he is younger than me) or a sensation of déjà vu ..
Its like I know him
Anyways to cut a long story short ..while we started living a common life he was using
Some of my friends came to visit us over xmas ..from Europe.
It did not go so well ..I noticed his mood swings ...
He allowed me to catch him smoking heroine ...
He asked me for help
He tried getting clean at home but eventually ended up in a rehab
He is not 4 months clean, doing well at his job

He just told me last week that he cannot right now be involved in a romantical relationship
that he loves me - that since his mom passed away ( whenwas 16) he never loved anyone and none love him unconditionally ..but that he did not know how to love me
that his sponsor told him better stay out of any relationship for a year
that he cannot give me hopes ..

so my first reaction was : u have weekend to find another place to stay and I do not want to see not hear u ever again.
He had tears in eyes saying that am his life his pillar his best friend the person that counts the most on this earth ..that I saved his life that he cannot live without me ..
We somehow agreed after that to keep a status quo - live togheter - sleep in same bed ( no sex of course) and re-evaluate things on a regular basis.
I am now going away to my Mom back to Europe for 3 weeks ..
I love him to bits ..
I know about the rule of 12 months non dating ..but does it apply really to all ..
Am confused ..tempted to kick him out but part that he has nowhere to go ..I cannot let him go
I will be away for 3 weeks ..and will miss him since I board on plane ..

Help ...


xx

Ann

At times like this it is wise you are putting some space between you, even for a few weeks. You can clear your head and think about whether this is a healthy relationship or just two needy people who are in an unhealthy relationship.

Sometimes, in a relationship, it is best to take the good times and leave the bad and move on. Not all relationships last forever, they can end peacefully and not in anger if you are mature about parting.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Yes....perhaps some time to get your thoughts together will be helpful.

We're very big on self care around here. Not in a selfish way but in a healthy way.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

SABee

I have been reading posts, I have been talking to close friends, I know what I am dealing with unfortunately ..it is a disease ..like any other one ..that u cannot really cure ..just try to manage .
I am amongst the blessed ones to have the financial ability to be totally independant ( in fact I am the bread winner) to have possibility to go away - have a break ..
But am just scared that he will not be able in my absence to handle daily life
routine We are living in extreme luxury compare to many people
We have staff working at home ( I am posted as a diplomat and have some benefits)
But my loved one is just a tamagotchi ...he barely can handle the new job the studies his meetings..and during my absence he will have to go to study school and work at same time and survive
I was thinking to cancel my leave and stay around .. but have decided I am not his mother ..I am something in between the mom, the sister, the best friend ..and the girlfriend.
As most women I do dissecate every single word of what men say ..and of course I focus more on the ones that are hurting..and driving myself crazy
So instead of remembering that he loves me , that I am the one that saved his life , that there is absolutely no one else, that in the ideal world I do tick all the boxes ..that he cannot live without me being around ( and not for financial reasons), that just right now in his 4thmonth of sobriety he feels lost and cannot give me hopes ( of a happy ever after and kids ) and that his sponsor advised him that we take a "romantic" break

I can understand that after many years of using H ..his libido is not totally ok, that it must be terrible for a man to feel a bit diminished ..
I understand all that ...
I am trying to deal with that without too many psycho sally moments ..trying not to push him away and give him space to find himself ..
Am scared of waisting my time ..scared that after all my efforts another blondie will pop round and enjoy the final product .. but guess its a bet we all take when entering in any kind of relationship

I would never ever thought would ever get into such a story ...
Leaving him would break my heart and leave me sick and dysfunctional ( have pretty hectic job) for months ( am not 20 anymore ..), am in a foreign country , chance of meeting any other person are scarce ..and my tick tock clock is nearly at the end of its cycle ...
and dearly love my Tamagotchi ...

so basically ..I am doomed and have to bite it ..
kisses to all from sunny South Africa

Kindeyes

Well.....time will reveal more. It always does.

We often feel that they can't cope without us. But they can. When we reinforce that message to them, we are telling them that we do not believe that they are capable. They need to know that they ARE capable of taking care of their lives. He's doing the work, he's working his program of recovery, and it takes time. Progress not perfection.

Have you considered getting some face to face support for yourself? I have used a variety of things to help me.....a therapist and Nar-Anon have helped me tremendously.

I hope you are able to take your trip and enjoy yourself. It may actually help him more than you know.

gentle hugs
ke