story74

Why do we want to know what our addicts are feeling? How many google searches can I really do on this? I think sometimes we want them to be in pain, so we feel better. Honestly, I have found I feel better no matter what he feels. And no matter what I read, I will never understand how a drug can be so powerful.

I was paying my state health insurance for my child today, and noticed my xah's work was listed. His amount of pay for the month was $438...lol! 438$ for a month! PLEASE! LOL! (btw, he is 2500 behind in state mandated child support) How disgusting is that? and his company that he works for is where his girlfriend works. UGH! The cheating on me has always bothered me more than the drugs. And, this woman is very vocal. If I were cheating with a married man, I would have respect enough to keep my mouth shut (although, I would NEVER sleep with a married man, or a man that doesn't see/pay for his child). This woman has emailed me responding to a personal email to my husband at the time (very beginning) and has done many other things. She also has multiple mugshots on mugshots.com...plus a 3 page police record. Stellar! She really bothers me. I am getting over it slowly, but I have more anger towards her and compassion/empathy towards my x. It makes no sense. I honestly feel like she is controlling my x... (drugs/money). Time. With time I am getting over "HER". It was such a betrayal.

First, I have no idea where he lives, where he works, and if he is still living with the woman he left me for (apparently per his work location he is still with her). And, who knows if this information is up-to-date and/or real. WHO KNOWS!? AND, really, who cares. But, it bothered me. He is suppose to be paying health insurance. He isn't. I do resent at times that I am the sole provider emotionally and financially for my son. But, I can do it. Would rather it this way than having an addict in my life.

I have to admit this little tidbit of information annoyed me. Not that I want an addict in my life, but I think how could you? My very first post in this site was, is cocaine that powerful. Why yes, it is.

I feel I need to take a break from this site. Last night I read something about a woman and custody. It made me so angry. Angrier than I have felt in months. These addicts make all these choices that affect so many people in so many ways. Children don't need to be around this, and the court shouldn't have that much power. How many people try to screw the system vs. how many people are trying to save children and break the cycle. It infuriates me. Maybe somehow I can use this fury to help woman who are in this crisis. I was. And if it hadn't been for my parents financial help, I would have been screwed. Big time. And my child? who knows. My family has been destroyed. DESTROYED!

This is year 2 for me. I see myself going over my feelings in my head at night as carthartic. I feel I am going over things in my head for the last time. Things I haven't thought about, but hurt me. It is my, "yes, this is what happened, now let it go" and it is gone. It feels good. I am really getting to a good place. But through all of this I will never understand HOW he could leave his family and DESTROY his family in so many ways. Or, HOW he could just abandon his son. HOW? Is cocaine really that strong? YES. I am living proof that after 16 years of being married to my "soul mate" and "best friend" YES, drugs REALLY are that powerful. Is he sad? Does he still love me? Did he ever love me? Was it me and not the drugs? Does he love his girlfriend? Is he ashamed? Does he remember us? Does he realize what he has done? Does he realize how messed up he is? Does his girlfriend realize how wrong he is for not seeing/paying /cheating on his family and son? How can anyone be with someone that has hurt another persons so badly? Isn't it weird he doesn't talk to his family? Does he still talk to his friends? Where is he? Why didn't he tell me where he lives? HOW DOES HE LIVE WITH HIMSELF? WHY?
None of these questions can be answered, because he is on drugs. And, until he decides to be sober and live recovery, he will be on drugs.

Drugs kill the soul.

I do pray for all including myself and most importantly my son's future.

SO, I am venting and understanding. But I have never felt more self confidence in myself and happier. I am healing. I miss him, and I will always love him. But, it is over. WE deserve better. WE deserve healthy.

sojourner

Your story of an addict's ability to dodge responsibility is pretty common. In my case, the ex-husband/father of children lied about his income and was only mandated to pay $67 a month child support (which was retroactive and so wiped out thousands of dollars in past-due child support). When I say $67, I must say that this was total for 3 children (not $67 for each child). He never paid any of that voluntarily. Those 3 children are in their late 20s, and there is still a bench warrant for him on that. So I guess in the end he was "caught." But everybody suffers from that kind of thing.

Anyway, it is the common stuff of addiction. All we can do is move forward making good decisions on behalf of our children and ourselves and leave "justice" to our HP or just to the justice that is inherent in life (or whatever philosophy helps you).

Remember Dolly Madison? (the wife of some president). Anyway, the laws back then were different. She had an alcoholic son who all his life incurred debt up the yin-yang. And people would loan him money because the laws said that his mother was responsible for his debts - even when he was adult. At least we have that to be grateful for in this day and age.

Hang in there. Healing is slow but sure.

Kindeyes

Healing takes time. I was so angry and resentful of my XAH for years.....YEARS! There's a saying......resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die. That is so true. My resentment ate me up from the inside out.

My son is 32 now. His father didn't pay child support yet demanded to see his son during his growing up years (we divorced when my son was 1-1/2). He screamed it was his "right" to see his son......I screamed back "there ARE NO RIGHTS without responsibility". It was like talking to a brick wall. It made me so angry. I eventually let go of the resentment.....it took a long time......but it was liberating. He still owes $15,000 in back child support. My son will never see it. My XAH is a drug addict. His thinking is haywire. He's been doing drugs for 35 years +.

Take care of you. Continue to heal.

gentle hugs
ke

Wing

Kindeye,

U described resentment sooo right!! I feel the same and try not resent my exab.

Ohhappyday

None of these questions can be answered, because he is on drugs. And, until he decides to be sober and live recovery, he will be on drugs.

Ain't it the truth! Only we remember the beautiful person inside....it does steal their soul. You sound like you are strong and in a good place.
Thank-you

focusonme

Thank you all for posting on this thread. It is like a meeting, I got what I needed.

eggdogg1234

I often wish I could have mustered up anger when dealing with my ex. It seems like it would have been much easier to let anger push me through the separation. Everyone around me was angry but I was not. I am not sure if it was a result of low self esteem or a related self image issue, but I just could not feel anger towards her.

As far as the questions, there could be multiple answers for every one of them depending on the time of day and state of mind when they are asked. In the end the answers to all of those questions should have little to no impact on your life moving forward...only on how you view your past. Letting go of these questions are a sign of healing and proper placement of your locus of control. I had to be constantly checked at my alanon group until I gave up on what my ex was doing and thinking and started to focus on what I was thinking and doing. It is shocking how hard, huge and simple it is to just let go and move on.