Moment of weakness?
 

This appears to be a moment of weakness. I was doing fine for the last few days as I was very busy at work.

We have had no contact with our 21 yo son for about 4 days now. We know he is in active addiction (marijuana) and got paid last week. Feeling a little worried. Does it make sense to make contact? Will it make things worse for us? Please share your experience.

Good morning Pravcha....I understand those feelings of wanting a quick relief to our anxiety but ultimately I would let him reach out to you. 4 days for a 21 year old probably feels like nothing to them but to parents, who tend to internalize a lot of fear, it can seem forever. Ask yourself what the intention is behind wanting to reach out. When I do this I find it is typically my own insecurity relating to the situation. Remember nothing changes if nothing changes...he likely knows you will reach out when you reach your threshold so why should he be concerned with doing any work. It is a difficult balance, and one too many of us parents have to weigh. I would recommend going and doing a fun activity for the day, something the rest of you should enjoy....keep your mind busy and engaged with other positive things....

It is often said that the addict is our DOC. When I started to realize that making contact with my son (when he was in active addiction) was about me getting my "fix", I was able to focus my attention on riding the wave through that "craving" so to speak.

It eventually got to the point that I wouldn't contact him at all and the contact was exclusively from him to me.....usually in the form of a crisis. I then started working on dealing better with the "crisis" calls. I got pretty good at just saying "I'm sorry to hear that." And leaving it at that.

We become very predictable in our behavior.......just as predictable as the addict. It wasn't until I changed and became unpredictable that things changed in the big picture. My son could no longer predict how I would react (or not react).

Time always reveals more. That was a real tough concept to me. It's hard to just wait things out but I found that it was best to leave things in the hands of someone/something much more capable than I am (HP).

I hope you'll do something fun and wonderful for you today.

gentle hugs
ke

:tyou
You are right ...its our own insecurity. We are addicted to our addict and need to break the addiction. Weekends are bad because I have time of my hands to over-think. Deep breathe ....think non-interference ....let go.

I will ask my wife out for dinner and a movie.

I struggle more on the weekends too. I'm certain it's because I don't have work distractions and even when I'm doing chores around the house I'm in my own head. Lately I've been listening to my iPod when I'm working in the yard...keeps my mind occupied a bit more. I'm sure your wife will be thrilled to go to dinner and a movie! Something fun to look forward to all day! Good for you!

Sounds like fun. Hope the two of you have a great night! :)

Another day has come and gone. No word from the prodigal son. Just as well. I remain at peace.

I thought of you today, hoping you had a good evening out and that by now you'd have heard from him...I know exactly where you are. My situation is the same...she calls now only when she needs something and even though I know this pattern, I still expect her to just call and let me know how she is doing, good or bad! I am glad you are at peace. It really is a spiritual practice, as I am learning every day now. Take care.

Hang in there, Pravchaw. You and your family are in my thoughts today. I'm really hoping your son "gets it" soon.

My son showed by yesterday on his way back from work. Did not want to talk. I could not keep my mouth shut and suggested rehab and that did not go over very well. Is there ever a good time to talk to him? I was hoping he'd go back to college in September, but its clear there is no chance of that.

Boom! Easier said than done but still Boom! right on the money. This was incredibly painful for me and shattered one of my grand illusions;

"just want to make sure you are ok" I would say as I tied off waiting to inject a heavy dose of drama.

I believe it's his right whether or not he attends college. There is nothing wrong with him being a "laborer" and here in the U.S. some of those guys make good money. Of course, it could be dangerous if he is high while working. It sounds as if he is not interested at all right now with stopping smoking pot. Besides the worsening of the family relationship does he have other negative consequences? Any legal or mental/physical problems with smoking weed?

Pravchaw, he'll be ready to talk when you have to bail him out of jail, but probably not before. I know it's hard not to be anxious and worry, but regrettably there is little you can do for him, so please enjoy your time, it's all you can do. :egypt:

Another mom here. The more you practice the no contact, the easier it gets. I had spent all of my time worrying about my daughter, that I didn't know how to live without that. It took practice to find my new normal - focusing on someone other than my daughter. It didn't mean I didn't care, it just meant there were other things that needed my attention (husband, other kids, and ME) lol I know my daughter knows deep down how much I love her; that's just not on her radar right now. Just wait for the phone call from your son, see the caller ID, and be ready to use your tools you have learned. I promise it does get easier.

I agree with the concept of what you are saying.

But I do just have to comment: you don't have to bail him out at all if he goes to jail. Personally, I'd consider leaving him there to let him experience the consequences for his actions. Not saying that he will end up in jail, though.

My mom has always told me that if I do anything that warrants me going to jail, she'll just be leaving me in there!

My 19 yr old daughter went through her first rebellion last year (no addictions) and told me she wanted nothing to do with me. I was heartbroken and shocked but said "ok, I will respect your wishes." At first, I cried a lot then it became easier. Personally, I am now glad I didn't have to be witness to her silly choices like being engaged at 18, etc.

Everyone told me she would come back and she has. She and I needed to detach some and I think in some ways this was her way to claim her independence. Also, she has anger issues towards her birth mother to work out and I was the safe one.

She had scholarships to college, yet chose not to go. That was driving me crazy. But I guess she wasn't ready, it will never be too late and I was forced to accept that. The best part is I have. It's her life and I am relieved I am not trying to micromanage it any more. Heck, I have enough trouble with my own.

The slogan "Let go and let God" was my saving grace.

Thanks for your replies and comments. They help. Justfor1, I don't mind his working as a laborer (its a min wage job with inconsistent hours, also as you said dangerous if he is high). Also I can see he is depressed and did not look too good (unshaven, uncombed etc.) Pretty sure he is eating badly. Just existing day to day. I feel terrible for him but it is his choice. He may have some mental issues like social phobias etc. but hard to say with the pot.
NM & DJ, I did get him out of trouble once with the police. Not doing it again. HH & LMN, thanks for sharing your experience. I am practicing detachment but do slip from time to time. I do find I spend a lot of time in SR. Is this healthy?

Is it healthy? Hard to answer that one.

Is it taking away from other areas in your life? Is it hurting healthy relationships?

Sometimes, I read here often then need a break. At times, all the "sickness" can really get to me and I need something healthy and enjoyable to do. IMO, laughter is still the best medicine.

Hi Pravchaw,

I don't think it is a problem to spend time on SR--educational, sustaining, enlightening. And you will know when you need to cut back! :)

I am glad your son came around, though I am sorry it didn't go so well. It is really hard to let go of what we had hoped for our children versus what they choose for themselves, especially when drugs are involved. Just keep working on loving detachment. And maybe try to let go of the college thing---I am having to do that right now, so perhaps you & I will just keep in touch about that with each other and try our darnedest to not interrogate our kids about it! Take care.

I guess that the beauty of a forum like SR and its accessible anywhere, anytime. Like everything else we can certainly over do it. Of course many people are so much worse off than us - particularly with small children involved - and I really feel for them. GardenMama I think you said it right - I got the same advise from another parent here at SR. I will work on it. And yes, lets keep in touch.