OneNightAWeek

Lie one: called to say he couldnt get out of going for drinks with the guys.

Lie two: promises he will only have one drink , btu repeats this when I ask if he is going to use cocaine.

Lie three: tells me he will be home in less than an hour and its all fine.


We are supposed to be going to the charity Great Gatsby thing tonight. Have the tickets, and I am almost ready. Not like I can wear this outfit anywhere else.
I know he will be home and whatever he did out there he will still be acting fine.

I either let him do this, and isnt that enabling? if I let him go to the charity thing with me. But I wont go alone to this. Or I pack a bag and go to my one friends house. I am furious right now. But I dont know if I have the strength to stay at my friends all weekend. He wins again doesnt he?

AnvilheadII

first, I am sorry. not surprised, but very sorry for YOU.

if YOU want to go to the Gatsby thing, then GO, without him.
if you don't want to be there when he finally gets home? then leave.

he's gonna do what he is gonna do. you can SEE that now.
so YOU do what YOU need to do. not to punish him, but to make this about you. your needs. but what you do not do is make this a waiting game. or a test. cuz he already bombed the test.....

and no, this isn't about who WINS...it's not competition. it's YOUR life and you get to decide how much longer this malarkey affects it.

Wing

Dear...I had experienced all the lies u listed.Again and again. My exabf also used cocaine. I don't understand why he had to promise when he couldn't keep it. Counselor told me that once they are drunk and high, they don't have the sense about time and promise. I got so sad and hurt.

Please try to stay calm as avoid the fight with him. Try to stay away with he's high.

Hugs.

OneNightAWeek

he called back only a few minutes after I posted and said he was on his way home. I told him he promised he wasnt going to do all that this weekend. He said again he only had one drink and told them he had plans with his wife tonight. Swears he did nothing wrong. Maybe he is telling the truth I dont even know. Said if I didnt trust him then there was nothing he could do about it. Said I could strip search him to make sure he didnt bring in any drugs and I could take his car keys and search the car at my convenience. Maybe Im wrong. I can tell if he is using, or have been able to so far at least. I guess I will wait and see.

wicked

I hope he is for your sake, but I would not be surprised if it is just one of a number of calls. My ex called again, and again, and again. I quit answering after awhile.
His own children made jokes about it.
"Oh! he just called and he is on his way here!"
"yeah, right"

I am with Anvilhead. Do what you want for you.

Search his person and car? What are you? A vice cop?
No, you are his wife and that is certainly not in your realm of things to do.

Oh my, I wish you could go to the charity event and make a smash hit without him,
wearing your special outfit.
I bet you look great.

Anvil is right about another thing, no one wins this.
This is no game or competition, this is a marriage and drugs.
It sucks the life out of you.

This sounds sadly and eerily familiar too. I was the "bad" one because I did not trust
someone who had already lied to me about drugs.
I am sorry ONAW.

sincerely here with you,
Beth

story74

Yikes.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I remember my xah coming home from work after I had been home with our new born all day. The baby was always colicky and was crying. I was rocking the baby trying to get him to calm down. My xah came in and gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me that he was going to go get a drink with his friends. He had had a hard day. I was shocked. I was so mad, I didn't say anything. This is just one small example of ,y xah finding an excuse to leave for a drink, drugs...ect. Sometimes her wouldn't come home until morning. I thought this was acceptable. He turned it back on me. I felt if I expected him to be home I wasn't allowing him to be himself. He needed time to be with friends. Hind site...WTF? No, when you get married and have a child with someone, it is not ok to go out whenever you want and do whatever you want. No. I was too nice.

Here is the thing. He knew about this major event? He knew how important it was to you? He should of come immediately home and surprised you with flowers and champagne. He should of helped you zip your dress and told you how beautiful you looked. He should of supported you. Did he? No, he HAD to go out for a drink, and then turned it back on you like YOU were the bad guy. WHATEVER! Whether he made it home or not to take you to this event doesn't matter, because his actions set the tone.

YOU deserve to be treated with respect.

wicked

I never understood that either, and I am a friggin alcoholic!

What does that mean "I cannot get out of going out for a drink with the boys."

Your pair isn't big enough to say,
"Hey boys, my wife is expecting me to take her to a charity event WE have been
looking forward to, NO WAY am I going to disappoint her."

And the one about "I had to have one drink at this special work event."
Really? Would you get fired if you did not drink?
Would they make you put on a tutu and dance around the room in toe shoes?

I must admit some prejudice here. The lies alcoholics tell are just annoying and stupid,
and like I said, I am one.
The dog ate my homework.
My watch must have stopped.
I ran out of gas.
I got robbed. (a favorite of my ex the crack smoker)
I had a flat tire and got robbed by the guy who said he would help me.
(yep, I was told that one twice.)
then with the cellphone. always at the ready for the dealer,
but, when I called about child support.
suddenly, no power, could never find the cord.
one time he was telling me this crap in my driveway and the phone rang in his shorts pocket.
:rotfxko

HE could not help himself, he had to answer.



Beth

wicked

I hope you were wrong too, and he came home in time for the Gatsby event.

I am sorry I went off topic in your thread.
Ranting about alcoholics.
After reading story74's post, it reminded me what became acceptable to me.

I hope you never have to experience that onenightaweek.

Beth

mstrust

"Said if I didnt trust him then there was nothing he could do about it."

so, so, SO classic. i can't tell you how many times i have heard this or a version of this.

i hope your night went ok. i hope you are taking care of you.

Needingadvice1

Haha wicked he got robbed - twice! Classic! My husband wasn't so inventive. He's phone was always flat or always on silent. Uhmm your cell vibrates & it's in your pocket???

I hope you had a great night at your event with or without him!! It sux when things don't work out how you'd planned

wicked

OneNightAWeek,

Are you doing okay today?
Despite my off topic post, I do care very much about how you are doing.
I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.

Beth

OneNightAWeek

Thank you all for caring about me. I didnt notice you went off of the topic Wicked. You were great.

He came home on time last night, and he seemed ok. I dont think he did use any drugs because I can usually tell from his mood and look in his eyes the minute I see him.

He said that he told the men at work that he couldnt go out last night because we had plans, and he said he told them he was going to cut back (on the drugs) because they were wiping out his weekends. He told me he was going to stop but didnt want to sound wimpy to these guys. I dont care what he tells them as long as he stops. Then he said a couple suggested they leave work early and get a drink and he would still be on time. They work on salary and there was no problem with that with work. He said he called me to tell me because he didnt want to keep it from me. He didnt want me to call work and find him not there, or call him phone and he'd be at the bar and I could tell. He thinks he did a good thing calling me. I guess he did. I dont know anymore

We didnt argue, and since he seemed fine we went ahead to the party and dinner. He seemed ok the whole night. Will see how he does the rest of the weekend. Next week we are going out of town and will be around family so I hope this will also give him time away from the drugs, but I think he needs to see a doctor and talk about all this.

For today we are doing good so far. I will update towards the end of the weekend. I hope everyone here has a good weekend.

wicked

You sound strong. I am really glad you went to the party! It sounded like fun,
a Gatsby party. I imagine 20's clothes, and music and dancing. Hope it was fun.

I think you are right about him talking to a doctor.

Men, and not wanting to sound like a wimp.

Sigh, my ex had an immaturity about appearing wimpy.
"You will not tell me what to do!"
He was in the Army, so the machismo factor was magnified.


Beth

OneNightAWeek

I wanted to share an update about the weekend. I tried to post yesterday and was almost done when he barely looked at me and I slammed the lid shut. I wish I hadn’t done that. I could use some thoughts on the way he is acting. I said in my earlier post, we went to the party and dinner on Friday night and he was fine. Saturday we had to go to a graduation party and he was fine. I don’t think he used any drugs because I can usually tell it. We came home and it was still daylight. He said he was very tired. He looked tired so we just watched movies. There was one point before this where he said he needed to go to the store to get something he might work on at the house for a while. I said ok. He went outside and walked around the driveway like he was thinking and didn’t ever get in the car. He finally came back in and said he didn’t feel like going. I again said ok and we turned to relaxing the rest the night. I don’t know if he was thinking about going to try to get some drugs because he was feeling like he was having withdrawals but I don’t think he knows anyone except the person he works with to get him drugs. Or if he was only feeling bad and didn’t want to start a project at home. He didn’t sleep good and had no interest in sex. Unusual if you have read my prior posts. Sunday he was exhausted all day and barely left the couch. He said he had a bad headache and felt tired. He wasn’t angry or anything like this, but sort of yelled at me when I suggested that maybe this was happening because his body was used to him using cocaine on the weekends and it was a sign that he was in withdrawal. He got angry about this, then said maybe, he hadn’t been through it before he didn’t know. He went to work to day as usual. I pray he does not go looking for drugs today. I have been nervous about it all day, but nothing I can do I know. I finally broke down and called the doctor I found who specializes in addiction. He talked to me for free, and I explained and he told me some things that made sense. And I set up an appointment but couldn’t get in until after the holiday so next week. The goal is to get my husband to go also. I have not even told him about this doctor yet. He may be angry I don’t know. IM GOING ANYWAY. I want to thank all of you who have been reading my posts and replying. Its helped me to post here, as only my one friend knows whats going on, I don’t know if I would have told her about my husband if I hadn’t been encouraged here, so thanks.

incitingsilence

Suggestion, when you go to the doctor, you are there for you, no matter if he goes as well. And you are not there to make him make sense, but to make sense of yourself.

You probably should allow him to get his own doctor, or get your own. I am not one for couples anything until each side had a chance to work on themselves first.

Also it is good to remember he is a big boy, he can work this out. Whatever it was for him yesterday he did what he wanted, even if that was nothing and didn’t use. Leave it at that because there is no way to understand what is going on in his head. And how could there be, it isn’t yours.

But you for damn sure should be concerned about what is going on in your own. Worry about you, how you were nervous all day … how you know there is nothing you can do … and yet you still had to do something.

Take care.

wicked

I am so happy you are sharing your fears here and with your friend.
A burden shared is a burden lessened, or something like that.
Hope you keep coming back, and you keep informing yourself and taking care of you.

Beth

OneNightAWeek

I like this quote and yes it feels that way, and she has been great so far about it all. Im glad I told her.

OneNightAWeek

Hi there Everybody,
I am still confused about some things and trying to find answers. I posted the other day and said I finally after a couple weeks of hesitation called a psychologist that handles addiction. He seemed knowledgeable and was nice over the phone. He emailed me some things to read and I did that. I asked him on the phone if there was anything I should be doing specifically at this point, and from online reading I asked him if it would be helpful for me to go to a meeting that is held or family from the NA group. He said some family members find them helpful, and I could try it if I wanted. We don’t have any close to us, but there are some from AA. They are all at times its hard for me to go though. Anyway, I have been reading some online about al anon and I don’t know if I agree with some of the common things they believe. One thing I see mentioned here a lot is I didn’t cause it, I cant control it, I cant cure it. On a high level I understand this. This is my husbands problem and I know I didn’t have anything to do with him beginning to use, but I do feel a little guilty that I accepted it in the very beginning not realizing how dangerous it was, and I posted about this earlier so I wont repeat it now. But I still know he always has a right to choose for himself even around his drug using friend. I know that I cant cure him, he has to do this too. I don’t get the part about I cant control it, what that means exactly. I also have read someone here that al anon says to mind your own business, or something like this. I don’t understand this either. On both of these I think it is confusing. We are married and share a home and have lots of commitments and connections, so if he is using drugs and threatening the stability of our home and marriage then it is my business. Also the last couple of weeks since he has been using, I have changed the way I talk to him and we have had some good discussions and he has changed his pattern of using and reduced, and at least temporarily stopped. This means that our conversations and my feelings and concern did reach him and he reacted. HE reacted voluntarily of course. It was him controlling his use, not me. But if I had said this was none of my business and ignored it then there would have been no talk and he would have probably not made any changes. See? Conflict of thoughts for me with al anon. I would like to understand if I am missing something. Im sorry if I sound stupid to some of you but I thought maybe you could help me understand better. Maybe things haven’t progressed for us where I feel like life is unmanageable. That is one of the things with al anon too isn’t it, maybe Im not there yet. One of the reasons I was asking is because I looked for some meetings near where we will be going, and I thought maybe I would have an easier time slipping away for an hour or so, and plus might feel better going in an area away from where we live to try it out.

My husband is still feeling fatigued worse than normal when he was binging over the weekends. It doesn’t make sense to me. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach saying maybe he has been using a lot more and doing it while at work and I couldn’t tell by the time he came home. If he is now trying to stop all of it then it would make sense as to things Ive read online about when a person stops.
And I still have not told him about the appointment I set up next week. Like I said I will go with or without him, but I hope he goes with an open mind. Any suggestions on how to go about this subject the best way with him to not make him angry or defensive?

cynical one

I would approach it in a way where you could put yourself in his shoes.

Lets say he made an appointment with a gynecologist to talk about your issues behind your back. How would you like him to go about inviting you to go along?

eggdogg1234

The feeling in the pit of your stomach is an indication that you are trying to control something or someone that is beyond your control. You are overstepping your natural place. To admit that you are powerless over other people, places and things is very empowering...go figure. The only thing you can control is yourself. If you are a spiritual person; another way to say the same thing is that when you try to control ANYTHING that is not yourself you are assuming you are God, you are not God and therefore you are not only messing with God but you are cutting him/her off from yourself. When you step in front of God or your higher power you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach. If you are not a spiritual person then the feeling in the pit of your stomach is a "check engine" light not a "check someone else's engine" light. At least that was the conclusion I came to when working the first step.

I could be the most miserable sob crying in the corner over things that were beyond my jurisdiction. After spending a year in alanon, as soon as I started feeling that deep pit of stomach feeling I would do one of two things; get an ice cream cone or take a hot shower and sing. For some reason those two things snapped me right back onto my side of street and the feeling would almost instantly disappear. As my sponsor used to tell me, "if you can't smile while eating an ice cream cone, you are a lost cause."

The bottom line for me; that feeling we all know so well is nature's way of telling you that you are getting in the way. Nature holds no grudges and thus when you get out of the way the feel goes away.